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Recovery Journal Entries

Drug Addiction Support

  1. Sleep Is For The Weak Part 3

    It was slow going getting back home to the I-5 bridge, what with the still significant limping I was doing. The foot rot was fierce, but my gait was not unusual. It happens from spending too many hours and days on your feet, even with proper foot care and hygiene. They get sore and you shuffle along as if stumbling gingerly barefoot over gravel. This is known as the dreaded Crack Hoof. I'd had it before, but this rot was different, more painful, and a little scary. Not emergency-room-scary,...
  2. Sleep Is For The Weak Part 2

    Not yet prepared to lace up my boots again, I lounged in my socks and rummaged through my backpack, with Tumbles and D.H. rummaging through theirs, to see what kind of loot we had acquired over the past couple nights and forgotten about. When you're digging through dumpsters and flailing through parked cars, it becomes an occupational hazard that you don't always know what you have. We dug out stereos and CD's, bike chains and change jars, nearly empty cans of spray paint, clothes and spare...
  3. Sleep Is For The Weak

    "Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia." -E.L. Doctorow Back in the early days of my speed habit, shortly after I had started injecting and still had no earthly knowledge of self-regulation or self-preservation, I was sleeping under the I-5 bridge on the nights I slept, and wandered the streets the rest of the time. During the day I would frequent the several drop-in centers for homeless youth and young adults. There I could depend on a snack or a meal, socialization with...
  4. Day 22 - my last journal entry

    For anyone still following my journey, I wanted to let you know that I'm still clean. Three weeks off Oxycodone and over a week and a half off subs. A lot has happened in the last little while, things I don't want to discuss on here. I just wanted to let everyone know I won't be coming on DF anymore, it's just necessary for me to stay away from here. I really appreciate everyone's support in thr past year, and wish everyone so much luck fighting your demons, one day at a time. Please don't...
  5. Self Love

    Starting over ain't easy. But that's me again. The song that never ends. I did reach a turning point, however, in the way I talk to myself. During those dark times of anxiety, paranoia, guilt, I am the worst to myself. But today while I was experiencing this, I changed my thoughts to more affirming ones. You will be okay. You are a kind and loving person. This will get better. It helped. And here's a strange thought that may or may not make sense to anyone else...my last purchase,...
  6. Day 0, again...

    Why can I not get past day 1??? I'm usually a pretty tough person. I don't understand this. I think I am decided. Then I get to day 1 and everything changes. Nothing seems to work. It's so frustrating. I'm not even sick yet and I go back. What the hell is wrong with me. I pretty much chose H over my spouse today. I love her so much, how could I have done that? I ended up working for the bad guys to get money. I'm turning into a fucking monster. Please can anybody help me understand what is...
  7. I was wrong....

    It started on day 6 or 7 of not using hydrocodone. I couldn't take the pain. How do people manage chronic pain narcotic free. Someone please tell me your secret. Its mornings and nights. I cant get out of bed in the morning because I hurt so bad. I cant relax my body at night to sleep. I can't concentrate, i cant sit, i cant stand, it all hurts. I need to stop forever this time. I'm concerned about my liver. 3900 or 4000mg a day isnt good at all. Tonight i did my first ever cwe and i could...
  8. 58 Days Without Booze

    Hello all, Just a quick update. I haven't done any entries in my journal for quite some time now, but the past couple days have found me in a bit of a writing frenzy. Some free writing has turned into a long memory of days gone by, back when I lived like a troll under a bridge and hadn't ever done heroin before. I don't have time this minute to transcribe it here, but I will by tonight, at least what I have so far. I'm actually one page away from starting into my second notebook! I'm very...
  9. Miserable day 2

    Mmmmm... So... I'm not really sure what to write... I've been addicted to codeine for 2 and a half years. My tolerance is crazy high! I'll take up to 70, 30mg tablets a day. Which as you can guess is kinda unsustainable! My script isn't due for 12 days and I am going to do my utmost best not to refill it. I've been through withdrawal a few times so I know what to expect. At least as opiates go I'm messing with the low end stuff and I understand that codeine has a fairly short half life so...
  10. Day One: Hasn't Happened Yet

    Last week I spent more on the stuff than I ever could have imagined. I learned of a very beloved member of one of my circles dying of a drug overdose, and for whatever reason, gave me an excuse to binge? No logic behind that at all. I did take a break over the weekend from the stuff and from social media, but as soon as I got home Sunday night, I was back at it. I tell myself that I'll stop once I use up this stash. Then I get more. I'm curious what you, the reader, could tell me of your...
  11. Scared and unsure of what to do next

    I'm terrified as I type this. Running out of money very quickly and I'm still hooked. Got an overly generous amount yesterday and, instead of thanking my good luck I did it all. One of the guys I get things from got either Xanax, meth, or both in. Not sure cuz there's only so much you can say via text and yes, I really do know these are two very different substances. They'd go a lot further than the H I have a love/hate relationship with. I did meth once and felt fucking amazing. Like the...
  12. HEROIN DETOX STARTING WEEK NUMBER 3

    9/25/2017 Through 10/1/2017 I smoked my usual one gram a day. Not getting high just to be "normal." Starting on 10/2/2017 through 10/8/2017 I reduced down to one half gram a day with no discomfort at all. Starting Monday 10/9/2017 I went to down smoking a $20 for the day and had some very mild discomfort that a 2mg Xanax helped me get to sleep, which it I can feel it taking effect and time to go to sleep. I will post my daily progress and I hope all my postings will help you get that...
  13. Its my last last time. just had a relapse after getting clean. please,supprt a person out mann,,,,

    Hello, Hey all, if you are here for info about quitting or something like that, or learning about dependency, and how shitty it is compared to life without these nasty drugs. I am not saying all drugs are terrible, but these ones truly are. I still want them though. Just got 48 hours,then used, been doing that a few times recently, WD's are not so bad physically, so m good. I am in medical university and have 2 more years - I must get clean for my Self, my mother, my sister, my family, my...
  14. Starting to feel like shit again Day 1.1

    I have to get thru this. I'm starting to feel cold and depressed. I dont wanna use today. Well I do, but I wont. Cant even write enough charachters to be able to post .God I feel ba, my stomach is a mess watery eyes and its just starting. What a fool I was.
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  15. Starting to feel like shit - Day 1

    I'm cold, I have chills. Cigarettes lost their tastes. My eyes are blurry. It's hard. I have cravings. My brain and body want to trick me into using. I don't want to. I love my spouse. I have no motivation to write I was going to take progress pictures but I wont.
  16. The night before - Day 0

    I am feeling anxious. Today I have taken my last hit at around 1400hrs. I had a short talk with my spouse who basically is breaking down. The drug has not given me any euphoric sensation except for maybe the first 5 minutes after using this morning. I am scared of failing. I am scared of having to deal with the consequences of my actions. I am afraid of not being able to go through with this journal. I have eaten today 2 full meals and taken multivitamins. I have showered yesterday and have...
  17. My Subutex Battles

    Today, I beileve that I am breaking one month on subutex. My first week was horrific. I've never experienced withdrawals like I did the first 5 days. It seemed to never end. I don't know why it took that long for me to semi-stable out. I was mainly only taking loperamide and PST. Anywho, I feel as if the subutex is just not cutting it. I am at 16mgs and I take 8mgs in the morning and 8 around early evening. This is how I've always taken subutex but needed a quarter of what I'm taking now....
  18. Anxiety attack

    Well, physical opiate withdrawls themselves weren't so awful, BUT the BF has all his supplements by the vitamin E, so I grabbed the wrong one and had a dose and a half of some yohimbe-blood pressure raising crap that just sent me into hell. Shaking, sweating, heart beating out of my chest, irrational thoughts........that was ten a.m. and I'm just now feeling better. So the amount I did today doesn't count. Everyone is allowed to have an off day, right? It reminds me of taking a...
  19. Recovering from a 810 year opiate addiction

    I will be 27 in a week and have been completely sober 33 days. After i have been an opiate addict ten years. Typical story started with a year of prescribed hydrocodone than to oxycodone and finally a year ago i did what i never thought i would. I went 4 months snorting "H" everyday than realizing i fucked up i went and got put on suboxone. After aprox. 5 months of that shit i got tired of all my money going to me and my doctor instead of my two beautiful boys so i told my doc diagnose me...
  20. Ugh, family

    My mother has always been a source of irritation for me. We moved to the United States in 1991, when I was six. Priorities all out of order, poor, and made growing up insanely difficult. Today, she had me come out to fix her display on the her screen was upside down. I googled it-like she could, if she didn't refuse to learn how-and found it to be a three second solution, fixed it, and hoped I'd be on my way. Turns out, she's also unable to connect to the internet, though all my devices...
  21. Light at the end of the tunnel

    I'm yawning and sneezing less, the breathlessness is subsiding and I'm feeling a bit better, could this be the end in sight... the other day when I couldn't stop yawning I think the withdrawal was peaking, since then things seem to be on the up. Hurrah !
  22. Day four, also reporting on day three

    So. Yesterday stuck to a twenty as well. Got a forty yesterday and had the guy split it in half, cuz each one if those sacks is better than a plain twenty. I guess I may have done even less than a twenty, cuz I was sharing out of it and managed to lose a sack that had two or three lines hidden in it. The bf hid it so well that he couldn't find it himself. According to my calculations-God, I was hoping whenever I could say that, it wouldn't be about drugs-I get the last of it at eight pm, so...
  23. Endless wreckage

    As I sit here, I'm trying to take in everything that has happened to me this amonth. I'm trying to process and determine, if the absolute chaos has been caused by me. Just in the past 3 weeks, I've seperated from my wife, living week to week, gone into precipitated withdrawals from starting subutex and now my wife decides to cancel my health insurance, my cell phone and my car insurance. I am so mad that I can't even comprehend this anger I'm feeling. I want to get high so badly. It almost...
  24. a few things happened

    A couple of things have happened. One I won't speak of, because it struck a nerve for a very odd reason. The other is that I got robbed. I didn't like getting robbed, and the threats that came with scared the shit outta me. I don't belong in that world. I don't, yet I've put myself in a position to have things of the sort happen to me. This drug has really made me stupid. Now I feel like a teenager who lodt a fight and wants to get back at the person. How about I just get myself out of...
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