Journals

  1. Arms of cocaine

    "Some ladies love diamonds Fast cars and freedom Trips to the island Castles in Spain Las Vegas card sharks Blues men that blow french harps But no strings to her heart Just the arms of cocaine. Yeah she likes to run With us high riding cowboys She says she feels a whole lot More at home on the range She can handle her feelings In most all situations She just can not handle The arms of cocaine Hey I'm just a rhymer Writing down new phrases Looking for ladies Who know I'm subject to change...
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  2. Pastor of Disaster (fell on black days)

    2-14-19 Howzitgoin? I'm kinda surprised to be back here so soon. What does that tell you about this, my third ascent? It tells you that I didn't exactly plan on gettin clean. I'm makin the best of a bad situation, just as I was the two previous times I got off meth. It was the expedient choice, takin advantage of an involuntary runnin start, a lot like the kinda runnin start we get when we're in jail. We can't do dope, so we start loggin days clean. Regardless of the circumstances,...
  3. Forgiveness

    A little over thirty odd years ago, something bad happened to me. I'm really having a hard time forgiving the person who did it and was hoping for some advice and support from others who have been in my shoes. My family immigrated to the U.S. In 1991, a few months after my sixth birthday. Initially, we alllived together in a townhouse. After my grandparents moved out, it left me and my mother at the hands of my controlling, schizophrenic, and verbally abusive uncle. Right around August...
  4. Cannabis detox

    So I have been smoking since all happened spring 2018. I started to smoke at night, a couple of puffs From a joint, weed only, no poison in my body please. It worked very well: instant relaxation. I havent been able to relax for over 20 years despite all kinds of medication, meditation and all other kinds of therapies and activities. But it became more and more. When I woke up at night to go to the toilet, I took the opportunity to lite a joint. Since I thought it wasn’t very economical to...
  5. the last rose

    on top of the world envy flowing from all my friends alone I am falling my memories begin screaming for help a sinners soul on trial I pray they see tears they see a smile longing for the day you drop that final rose like the one this proud daddy gave you as you counted our babies toes One two three let it go sweet Valerie drop it down that cold dark hole I see angels coming coming to lead me home Garrick Humphrey 2014
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  6. What i lost, written one year ago

    Life is a long winding road with peaks, valleys, and exits. Some exits you may have planned to take and some maybe by mistake. Some of these will lead to the best things in life so you hold em close head back to the on ramp and get on with life. While others lead us to a place we have never seen and yet it was always so close. Usually there is a void needing filled that lead most here and they will search this place for whatever it is they are missing. Not knowing it isnt there and all they...
  7. Ice Goddess

    She wanders through your heart like a ghost from the past. You hold on to her hand but she slips away.. Floating like a goddess on a sea of ice, such beauty to behold though she is lost. Falling through the clouds... the high seeks out the low. She tries to scream but no one hears her fall... Destiny awaits from the choices that she makes. Fleeting love, just accept that she is gone. Somebody wrote that for me. About me. About a year ago now, someone who I connected with in an online...
  8. Subutex withdrawal day 12

    After reading many different entries on getting off suboxone/subutex, I figured It was time to share my story. I’m not looking for praise or a pat on the back, but rather to give you some insight on my journey, thus far. If my story can help you in anyway I’ll consider it a success. But let me start from the beginning just to give you some perspective. I’ve worked in healthcare most of my adult life and have seen first hand what pain pills and herioin addiction can do to a person and their...
  9. Relapse on heroin

    How did it happen? I guess it’s the stress. Work and school. It’s really not that bad when you lay it all out in front of you. Not too much to handle really. But I think my increase in symptoms, ie psychosis, makes normal stressors feel impossible. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. This is my best guess. The cravings started out of the blue yesterday, and they came with firey power. All I could think was cravings. They were destroying me, tearing me apart, and so the only way I...
  10. Adios to a Benevolent Purgatory

    2-5-19Howzitgoin? I'm writin this entry on the job during my breaks. I'm thinkin this should be the final entry in this, my 2nd journal. I do believe the toad who walks on two legs has overstayed his welcome and, judgin by the DF guidelines in regards to journal scribblin, the toad no longer meets the criteria to participate in this area of the site. I don't wanna be breakin anymore rules, or bendin them, or paintin graffitti on them or drivin my truck back and forth over them or settin...
  11. Suboxone taper day 14

    Been 2 weeks at slowly tapering from 2 mgs suboxone. I'm at 1 mg a day now....the past few days I take .75 mgs about 7am and the other .25 about 2pm. I've felt good except for a couple days not a lot of energy and calfs aching but overall good so far. I need to start half a mg and .25 later in the day but I'm all in my head about feeling bad. That's where most my hesitance comes from...the anticipation of feeling bad. I dont have anything to help the anxiety so I've looked into kratom or...
  12. What I Learnt From A Week Without Meth

    Our first break up didn't last all that long. Like a sobbing, emotional teenager, after declaring it was over and that I was done, I go running back to the "bad boy", superior, dickhead boyfriend, several years older of course and with a smug look on his face as if to say, "Told ya so, I knew you'd be back'. Well yes, I am, right now. But I made it a week without him and while I could sit with this fruition and think 'jesus how pathetic for a 25yr old with her whole life ahead of her, only...
  13. When I do drugs

    when I do drugs I am: - calm and peaceful - at one with the universe - appreciative of my family and friends - connected with other humans - free of anxiety about the future or past - warm and cozy - home These are the things I’ve been thinking about today. When drug use was working for me, it was really working for me. Until it wasn’t anymore. Then all of a sudden i went from cozy and warm to painful and cold. Instead of being at one with all beings I was isolated from everything. It’s a...
  14. Point Man

    1-29-19 Howzitgoin everybody! I'm grateful to be here. It's been a crazy fucked up day and it's good to sit down and connect with my tribe. I've mentioned this before on more than one occasion: I ain't never had a family, no relatives, no blood ties in this world, and I'm a loner who can count my friends on just one hand. And I'm ok with that. I cherish my privacy and my solitude and I seem to get more reclusive with age. I ain't shy or socially awkward. DF is my family. I'm ok with that...
  15. Nicotine: my lover

    I started smoking in about 2015. After a year or so I switched to e-cigarettes, until my company went out of business the middle of last year. I then switched to nicotine pouches, which are kind of like Swedish snus, little things you put up under your lip and the nicotine absorbs buccally. All this time the effects I got from nicotine were a little relaxation and a good deal of stimulation. I would use them first thing in the morning, as or while I was at the gym. And to keep me on my toes...
  16. Wild ride,what's to be expected

    Hey DF peoples. It's been a long time for me since I have wrote in this journal. In one word to describe my life since I started using again has been "unmanageable". I quit my job., Lost my place, been turned down for my share of rehabs ( one cost 31,000$$$ a month WTH.... Been bakeracted twice , almost killed by the cops one of those times. I started smoking meth again on my 90th day/night clean off meth (not totally sober). On October 27 it started with two hits of acid that...
  17. Help healing and venting -the other party

    I don't know who will read this if anyone... Either way feels good to finally get it out there. I guess I should start by saying my point of view is from the girlfriend and my own suffering caused by being with someone with an addiction His addiction was heroin, but I think this can be a place where no matter what the drug the other party weather it be friend, fiance, or parent -whatever the relationship may of been can relate. I know now my situation isn't that unique anyway......
  18. Removing all temptations

    Ok, so you all probably know I'm happy on tianeptine. Some may recall that when I was on subs, I'd take a vacation once or twice a month and do a few lines of fentanyl. My only connections to scoring were a drug dealer who won't deliver, my abusive ex, and an addict who spends more time locked up then out. The addict basically running from the cops with 7 warrants on him. He's gonna do some years. The dealer, I could technically uber to, so I've changed the password on my Uber account and...
  19. The struggle is real

    Well today has been the hardest day since I quit meth 8 months ago. Today I can't stop thinking about it which is doing my head in. I've talked to a few friends and they've all told me stay strong as i know i will hate myself if i give in to my want. I know this to be true myself. Everything has been going well with my job, new circle of friends plus some old good friends all supporting me, I have no trouble going out, etc but I can't seem to find any motivation at home which is messing...
  20. Shoppin' for my Tombstone

    1-23-19 Howzitgoin everybody? You know you've gone a lil too far when you turn on the local news and featured on the segment called "U.S.Marshal's Most Wanted" happens to be someone on your speed dial. Last week I had an unexpected house guest for a couple days. I fear Fat Jack ain't long for this world. One of my dealers, Fat Jack (which distinguishes him from two other dealers also named Jack) has the misfortune to be a slave to his own merchandise. When you wanna go shoppin for your...
  21. Life is no longer mine, it's become one in the grips of Meth

    I don't even know what to write. I feel numb. I feel gutted. I feel broken and I feel empty. My health has been shit for a while now, lots of reasons with meth being one, for causing that. But I learnt yesterday that my muscles are in such a state of chronic fatigue they are just atrophying rapidly now, having no chance or ability to recuperate when they started sending me the first warnings to address the problem. Which was months ago. I don't even know what to say. I hate myself for it?...
  22. Suboxone taper day 3

    I've been on some form of drug since 13 yrs old and daily since 15. I'm 40 now. I've been on everything you can name and the past 14 years has been methadone and suboxone. I started suboxone after leaving methadone October 2017. The past 6 months I've gotten down from 16 mgs to 1.5 mgs last Thursday, 4 days ago. Once hitting 2 mgs I started feeling okay once I got settled at that. I've been at 2 for a few months. 16 to 4 was easy and quick. 4 to 2 was harder and I've tried leaving 2 a couple...
  23. Never far from hospitals

    On the drive to and from a doctor's appointment today I was listening to This American Life, the episode was about the times before things went to hell. The first was politics related to immigration in the 90s. The one that connects more to me is a divorce. When I think of my own time going to hell, it's the psychosis. Yet when I think on the period before that specific hell, the life underneath had been festering for a while. The lead up to the first and second psychotic periods were both...
  24. Feel and look much better

    I was looking at my old mugshots the other day. Jesus Christ, I looked like a corpse of unidentifiable gender. And was 30 to 40 pounds lighter. I guess when you get accustomed to looking like shit from using, it's not as startling as when you're in recovery. I wish the mugshots websites would get taken down, I really hate being haunted by a visual memory of my lowest point in life. All is well now, fyi. I've been slacking on meetings cuz I'm no longer in IOP......I plan on attending four in...
  25. Trouble with stimulants

    I am an opiate/downers type of guy, never thought I’d have trouble with stimulants. I’ll tell you the story. There are some nights that I work til midnight, get home at 1 am, sleep by 2 am, and then have to wake up at 6 am. Some people maybe can operate on 4 hours of sleep, i sure can’t. I was nodding off while driving and while in class. I came to my doctor with the problem and he prescribed modafinil 200 mg for those late-to-early days. It worked great, only my insurance would only...
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