Journals

  1. When I first met Tina..

    This is about the time I first met Tina (crystal meth)... I was not new to amphetamine abuse, since I first sought out meth due to the fact that I was out of my Vyvanse script 2 weeks early, as usual. I felt that meth was "adderall on steroids" & I enjoyed the longer duration of action. My stimulant tolerance rose of course, which rendered my prescription Vyvanse all but useless. I continued to use meth by snorting mostly, and I initially was blinded by the fact that I was dependent on...
  2. tweekless weekend

    So I thought my partner* and I were out of meth, then he found a sizeable stash. Not sure how much he's used of that, but I am determined to get through the weekend without using any. I've noticed I do that thing--sticking my tongue in a specific teeth gap--when I'm craving as well as when I'm spun. I'm trying to make it into a reminder that I need to see a dentist. I don't have dental insurance, haven't for a long time, but I don't doubt my family would pitch in for a filling or 3. My teeth...
  3. new moods and new meds (part 2)

    So much to tell you. About half a week ago, tired of being on three antipsychotics, I stopped my cariprazine cold turkey, without talking with my psychiatrist. It's an unusual move for me -- as he says, I am "hyper adherent." Here was some non-adherence. I met with him today and talked about it, he said we should just see what happens. So far I have had somewhat increased voices, but nothing too horrible. Most of the time they don't make sense any way. Cariprazine has a super long...
  4. NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE

    I just encountered a thread in the meth forum titled "Do you name your shadow people?" and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST if that's not anti-meth propaganda, I don't know what is. I have decided I will hold out as long as possible this weekend and I think the cannabis I smoked is making it a little easier. Dispensed a ton of Epidiolex today, in addition to the endless Humira and Enbrel. Do I like this job? I'm not sure I do, even though it's low-stress it's just so boring. Maybe that's why I put off...
  5. Craving a head change

    The saying if it's too good to be true it probably is...is how I am feeling with the buprenorphine. I have very little pain, I am happy, I have energy, I am sleeping well without the aid of my trazadone or cheeba chew, I exercised this morning and have been wanting to get back to food prepping and eating whole30. Why then, am I craving a head change? I am not craving opiates, but I want something to look forward to at the end of my day. A cocktail or smoking a joint would be nice but the...
  6. Coming back around...

    What has become of me? I’m taking a class to be a crisis hotline counselor volunteer. It is gonna be perfect for me. Keep me busy. Away from parties. I’m getting better. Every day. I want to get better. My life is manageable now, I’m in control. Here’s to being sober!
  7. My new therapist wants to start emdr

    Over the years I have had at least 6 psychologists. Today, I found the perfect fit. Normally, during a session I cry the whole time. I leave in tears and my whole day is wrecked. Today was different. She explained the emdr and I got very excited. She talked about grounding and mindfulness which I already practice. My homework is to create a "happy/safe" place. For weeks I have been going back and forth about rehab and buponephrine. Up until today I wasn't sure I had made the right choice....
  8. I need help getting off this crap. (Clonazepam aka Klonopin) - Part 3

    Well here I am. 3 and a half years later. I finally did it. I’m no longer taking that acursed pill. A comment in my original post now that I look back to it (some others were as helpful as well) was extremely accurate in the grand scheme of things. The comment ended with, “Never stop trying” by senorlou. This is just so spot on and truly a TLDR but I don’t think someone who has not successfully conquered it can understand. I must add my input, as my journey was not so simple. I can say that...
  9. Down to 250mgs Tianeptine sulfate....

    My progress has been slow but steady, decreasing the tianeptine, decreasing the nicotine vaping, decreasing alcohol, decreasing sugar, and increasing physical activity. I no longer crave Kratom and my desire for alcohol is also decreasing. I do have a drink after work and a drink with dinner, but most times it's just 1 or 1 and 1/2. I think the tianeptine being a tricyclic antidepressant as well as a mu receptor agonist may be causing/contributing to some weight gain. I have put on about 8...
  10. Might be starting to understand my DOC a bit better.

    As well as my...current friend-with-benefits/ex-fiance. At first, when a misinterpretation led to him breaking up with me (at festival, you're welcome, neighbors....) after the shock wore off I started to wonder what it would really be like without him. This, I believe, can be summed up in one word: boring. Not only would I be giving up a gorgeous bi twink who loves cunnilingus, thinks my body is perfect and frequently tells me so, I'd be giving up an intellectual equal who can discuss...
  11. Fighting inclinations and desires

    i never asked to be here. My story is long, sad and tragic. I'm the best-case scenario and that's not saying a lot. I never choose this life, it took me in and molded me, manipulated me, and is now trying to take over me again. I can't go out like this. I've got to do something some kind of change.
  12. Back to Temptation Island, a.k.a. home.

    I got home around 0200, thanks to a few delays. Drank about 20 oz of cold brew during the last flight but got some sleep and strangely, I feel rested. I did take lots of naps, both at my sister's house and during festival, but my volunteer work turned out to be much, MUCH, more strenuous than I'd assumed--I did a lot of hauling wood for a spectacular bonfire and got sunburned on most of my upper body despite using 50 spf sunscreen. Got a few blisters on each foot as well, also lots of bug...
  13. Darkness

    driving home from work late last night I realized what a trigger darkness is for me. I think this is because most of my past drug use occurred under the cover of night. In 2015 I would get off my shift at the hospital at 11:15 pm and make the drive to SF, arriving at midnight. The next two or so hours I would score and then get pretty high, arriving back home around 2:30 am. I would wake up and do the same thing the next day. I never learned how to chip so my days would usually be full of...
  14. I’m done...

    Broke up with my boyfriend this week. I really loved him. But; that ship has sailed. I must admit, I slipped up and used the last night we spent together. I knew it was over that night. I knew I had to tell him. He is a good man. I just don’t think I want to have a baby. So; knowing it was over before I let him in on it, I had him drop me off downtown and I raised a couple hours of hell. It’d been a long time. Stuff wasn’t particularly good, a poor facsimile, like eating a hot pocket when...
  15. can't believe its been 3 years

    Brief synopsis of the last 3 years... Mostly successful moderation, at least through 2017. A typical week in 2018 would look something like 4 beers mon-fri, beer binge fri sat sun. I'm big on New Years resolutions, and I felt during 2018 I was starting to slip, so I vowed to work out 5 times a week...with the idea in place that if I managed that I would by default reduce my alcohol intake. Typical week 2019 I would drink all weekend, get up at 4:30 AM and hit the gym before work mon-fri...
  16. Fucked Up at Work

    I've "quit" drinking several times. I would make it a month or two before inevitably caving in and getting back into the habit. I drink to self-medicate my various anxiety issues and I think the reason I can't quit for good is because I never seek "proper" treatment for my mental health. I guess getting drunk is just easier. Well, I've been drinking every day again since about January and it just keeps getting worse. I'm talking a holy shit, fucked up amount of liquor. At minimum a fifth of...
  17. Another Break from Quitting - Plus a Looming Responsibility

    For the millionth time, I didn’t follow through on my plans. I’m not necessarily regretful about it right now, but I’m a little embarrassed that I keep fooling myself. I also feel a little guilty for not following through, due to all the support and encouragement that readers of my previous journals posted. I probably made it a little longer than I would have without the support, if that means anything to anyone. Prior to my last journal entry, I seriously thought I would stick with the...
  18. Day 5 on Buprenorphine - Wondering if it’s right for me

    It’s Monday, a week from my last appointment with the buprenorphine clinic. It should technically be day 7, but I waited a couple days to start. My last dose of heroin was on Wednesday and I started the buprenorphine on Thursday, instead of Tuesday. Everything went smoothly though. I was off the H long enough that it didn’t show up in the drug test. I didn’t have to meet with the counselor who lectured me last time. The doctor was a totally different, friendly person, where before she had...
  19. moving in the right direction...slowly

    I was able to ditch my high-concentration nicotine salt vaporizer. I was using the JUUL device with 2.5% nicotine salt vape liquid, which one pod equates to 1/2 pack cigarettes worth of nicotine. I was going through 2-3 a day, sometimes more and became concerned because I had a little chest pain at work the other day, nothing severe enough to check myself in as a patient, but enough to make me realize that I was using too much nicotine. I don't think it's good for the heart and I want my...
  20. Here goes nothing....

    In a few hours I fly out to my hometown and then drive to the happiest place on Earth, or at least one of them. Originally founded as an artists' colony, still a seasonal home to many, now also a clothing-optional campground and non-denominational pagan retreat with shrines. Potter, of all people, introduced me to it and we've had some wacky adventures there, often involving drugs. But I can be almost assured I will find nothing "harder" than LSD, maybe ketamine. Will I spend most of the...
  21. Day 1: Take 7 - Caterpillar or Butterfly

    I guess this is technically my first day off heroin. I’ve been on a seesaw of emotions all day. One moment I’m glad I got rid of my dope (by that I mean used every last molecule); the next I’m considering ordering more. Mostly though, I’m sticking with my plan to quit. I don’t want to be addicted. That’s my primary motivation. This morning, looking at myself in the mirror getting dressed, I picked up a necklace I bought in Greenport on vacation - a sterling silver butterfly inlaid with...
  22. new moods and new meds

    i'm not doing so well. and i was doing great! how quick things change. work is dragging me down. cravings for drugs. depression with SI. i just want it to be over. had a good MD appointment, followed by a bupe NP appointment, followed by therapy. i'm starting tranylcypromine, which is a MAOI antidepressant, one of the first antidepressants discovered (1950s). it's kind of like an amphetamine, with a cyclopropane instead of an isopropane. it's the kind of med you can't eat with cheese --...
  23. Sadness That Just Won't Go Away

    And I'd give up forever to touch you 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be And I don't want to go home right now And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breathe is your life And sooner or later it's over I just don't wanna miss you tonight And I don't want the world to see me 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's meant to be broken I just want you to know who I am And you can't fight the tears that ain't...
  24. Rogue Rage

    Howzitgoin everybody? My life continues to unravel and I spend half my time burrowed deep down in my writing and half the time runnin in circles puttin out lil grassfires, ignoring 4-alarm infernos I can't do much to extinguish. I can see em well enuf but what can I do with a garden hose? Do a rain dance? Gotta couple weeks meth-free under my belt, it ain't too bad, still with the anger, but far less of that today mainly cuz I avoided people, places, & things as much as humanly possible....
  25. I quit meth...do I really have to quit drinking now too?

    Finally kicked a 2 year meth habit. Before that...had been on either pills, coke, or just a drunk for almost...a decade?! (That can't be right!) Now I just drink...for the most part (I may fall off the wagon every now and then but get back on the next day or so). I don't need to drink every day...I do need to drink every three or four days. Sometimes to access, sometimes not. Recently got in a car wreck while buzzed (didn't get in trouble and am thanking my lucky stars.) Had a rough day...
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