Journals

  1. The devil tried to get me

    let’s discuss a new occurrence in my life approximately 7 weeks ago. well your friend here has decided to go find some meth and boy does she get more than she bargained for. I’m given a nice piece. I wasn’t ready to do anything right then, esp with a new person. Well the friend I went to meet goes and fixes himself a shot. Well he had about 5 new points, so when he’s like here I fixed this for you, I’m like cool! He wasn’t even out of eyesight. So I step to the bathroom cause I don’t...
  2. Back to the past

    So let’s talk about the time my identity was not stolen but sold. I shared a living space with the terrible person. Clothes and TVs, paperwork and birth certificates. All the addresses, bank information, personal information, anything at all needed to steal someone’s identity. I had just grabbed clothes and left, I was young and surely wasn’t thinking the unthinkable was about to happen. So the terrible person is all the sudden very nice, I’m skeptical but whatever I’ll take this good...
  3. Kicking the habit that kicks back

    So here I am. Messed up and trying to see the end of these messed up days and nights. I’m tired of it but stuck with it ready to stop and then craving gets the best of me. A whopping 30 seconds is not worth the effort anymore not that it ever really was just definitely ain’t now. The harm the risk it’s all ridiculous. Couldn’t have told me this a few hours ago, well could have but I was on a mission and nothing seems like a ridiculous idea until it’s done and the score is made
  4. A lot has happened but nothing has changed

    A lot has happened since my last entry. Most significantly, my father-in-law died. He had been sick for several years. During his last trip to the hospital about two weeks ago, he decided to stop fighting. He was sent home to die, to spend his last days with family. My husband and I stayed with him, along with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. It was for the best, but one of the most heartbreaking experiences of my life. I also quit seeing my addiction therapist and didn't return to the...
  5. Pissed off

    Well I just got done throwing the biggest temper tantrum that I've ever thrown since I was a baby! God damn neighbor next door keeps bugging me want me to buy more meth and she knows that I'm trying to quit. Stupid bitch, she was supposed to move out a month ago and she still hasn't! She knows I'm weak. thank God I'm broke as hell so for once I got to scream and throw shit and be the biggest ass bitch on the planet like she always is! because I get to hear her shit always screaming at her...
  6. Things I Can't Do With Meth

    (out of fear my heart will explode or something): 1. Dance. That's probably the one thing most important to me. I asked myself which I'd rather have in my life. I'd rather dance. 2. Exercise. Basically dancing except more boring. 3. Stop worrying about my heart. 4. Stop worrying whether people can tell I'm on something. 5. Watch horror movies. Maybe I'm just an adrenaline junkie. No...definitely dopamine. 6. Cannabis. I'll try to add to this list.
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  7. Keep digging that hole....

    I've decided I overwhelmingly prefer Adderall, even though it tends to make me irritable and impatient. I get talkative, which is a welcome change from my usual quietness, but left alone I'll clean whatever's within reach and enjoy doing so. I'm also much less likely to eat out of boredom, if I even remember to eat. It tastes much better, too, in addition to not burning like a motherfucker when snorted. However, Adderall is not what I have access to. And so far, I haven't found a way to...
  8. Helpful Diversion Strategy and Post Meth Paranoias

    I'm documenting this as my brain is so frazzled and scattered these days, recalling things is often a challenge and when I need something previously helpful the most, I can never remember exactly what it was or how I did it... I found myself struggling with the urges to use last night. I think the family circumstances drove the heightened emotional stress response as well as just feeling plain useless and unproductive as I have struggled with fatigue and a sore body this week. In my...
  9. Tricky Situation With Ex

    So, my ex lost his grandmother on the fourth. He didn't call my mom to tell her until the 16th, so I now have this heatbreaking image of her laying there for days with no one knowing because everyone in that family has substance abuse issues. When I originally let him move in in 2014, my grandfather had just died-in fact, I had to put him on hospice on my birthday-and I was emotionally broken. A small part of me wants to be supportive. No one in his family is the warm and fuzzy type and the...
  10. Damnit man

    Thank you my neighbor. You caught me when I was weak. I ended up doing a super shot. She felt bad for me and gave me a few shards. I then ended up scraping out old bags for later. It felt so good, but now I'm feeling guilty. I'll be up all night tonight. :oops:
  11. How I got into this mess

    It all began as a curiosity. My friend/ neighbor was talking about meth and how it felt to use meth. So the curiosity got the best of me and I let her shoot me up. And that's all she wrote, after that I was craving that high again. So now many many months later with no money in my account, no meth around the house, I am really really wanting a shot and there ain't nothing I can do about it till payday. I want to quit, I'm trying to quit but oh my gosh that's so hard, it's all I think about...
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  12. The Cycle of Life

    My poor nan suffering dementia has been given 48 hours to live. She had a mild heart attack a couple of weeks ago and hasn't bounced back. Despite the circumstances, I am just glad that she has not suffered a great deal since her health took a turn a few months ago and she moved in to be cared for. She's been incoherent since her heart attack but before that, she would get so flustered because she was half with it and half not and thought we had it in for her some days and playing tricks....
  13. In Meth I Regret

    I played a while, but that year would be, It happened to give great wings for me. I danced around and fluttered those wings, While in my ear the demon would sing. 'Up we go how good does this feel', Then quietly ushers 'your soul to steal'. 'Oh silly girl I never said that, You're hearing things already you cat'. Without a thought I continued to play, No fear for what would be tossed away. All year I buzzed like a feverish clown, Making an idiot of myself all over the town. Surely they...
  14. Yeah, I just did that.

    I felt like shit, so I snorted a bump. At 8 p.m. When I have to work the next day. And...I felt better. It's funny, I'll probably be able to sleep okay tonight, at least for a few hours, leading me to believe what I'm snorting isn't as pure as it seems. Oh, but it's definitely got enough meth in it to show up on a drug test. That I know. The first time I smoked what was allegedly meth, I felt like I'd taken a handful of pseudoephedrine. I don't know much about cooking, but I know I live...
  15. DOPE-FREE: Day 35

    35 days free of heroin use. I’m just feeling so incredibly depressed, and blah. I just want to give in. At least I wouldn’t have to feel anything. I’m so stressed. So overwhelmed. I’ve been using drugs from the time I was 17, on and off through stints in treatment, and now I’m just taking that away? Maybe it’s tapering off suboxone. But I haven’t been on it that long. I’m almost to nothing, should be in a couple of weeks. Is it really affecting me this much? Will I ever be happy without...
  16. The Demon Says

    Take my hand come walk with me, For a ride so good and soon you'll see. In seconds we'll be flying, high for hours, Coming back down though often proves sour. I promise it's ok cause back up we can go, That feeling like shit we can fix you know. See all your pains I can take them away, You won't even realise its gone another day. So fast time flies when you joyride with meth, Days pass by and soon you near death. Never alone though I promise you this, I'll stay right beside you for one...
  17. Getting closer...

    Wow, I started realizing I needed to quit almost a year ago. And I still haven’t. I feel like a complete loser. But some things have changed. I now have marijuana to help with the withdrawals. I found using the non medical marijuana doesn’t make me paranoid and I don’t get so stoned I just sit there and drool. That’s a plus. I have as much clonazapam as I want. I also have 21 oxycodone 5mg. One of my real questions is whether or not the oxycodone will help? I know Poppy Seed Tea...
  18. I was a party girl, threw caution to the wind

    So I’m 18 and I have 1 year old. Me and her daddy met partying and never stopped until we split up. (Not the guy who drugged me). I went sober for about a year, worked real hard at a nice legal job and took care of my baby. Well it didn’t take long for him to end up in jail and me to be unemployed and partying. Unsupportive family, or a lack of a support system is a recipe for disaster. ESP those with prior drug problems. Of course I was accepted with welcome arms back into the meth...
  19. I was a party girl, threw caution to the wind

    So I’m 18 and I have 1 year old. Me and her daddy met partying and never stopped until we split up. (Not the guy who drugged me). I went sober for about a year, worked real hard at a nice legal job and took care of my baby. Well it didn’t take long for him to end up in jail and me to be unemployed and partying. Unsupportive family, or a lack of a support system is a recipe for disaster. ESP those with prior drug problems. Of course I was accepted with welcome arms back into the meth...
  20. I was a party girl, threw caution to the wind

    So I’m 18 and I have 1 year old. Me and her daddy met partying and never stopped until we split up. (Not the guy who drugged me). I went sober for about a year, worked real hard at a nice legal job and took care of my baby. Well it didn’t take long for him to end up in jail and me to be unemployed and partying. Unsupportive family, or a lack of a support system is a recipe for disaster. ESP those with prior drug problems. Of course I was accepted with welcome arms back into the meth...
  21. Ghost From the Past

    I know you can hear me I'm calling your name, It's your younger self, so hurt by the shame. I'm here cause you're hurting more than just you, But me and your unbeknownst family too. You might have gone and hidden away, Tired from battling demons all day. In silence you suffer no-one else knows, Except those reading your cyber flows. Your calls he heard them that Big Bad Wolf, He warned and pleaded; don't let it engulf. Those words they stung and hit to the core, That a stranger so kind and...
  22. My meth iv struggle and how I’m coping

    So I guess I started over? I’m not sure now. I got to post a certain amount of characters to post. So abused and trying to get me dependent on meth. There will be more stories. I’m kinda tired right now and I need to think and listen to the rain. Crazy life but it’s all slowed down now. Probably even a little boring. I don’t mind being alone. I like it
  23. My meth iv struggle and how I’m coping

    So I guess I started over? I’m not sure now. I got to post a certain amount of characters to post. So abused and trying to get me dependent on meth. There will be more stories. I’m kinda tired right now and I need to think and listen to the rain. Crazy life but it’s all slowed down now. Probably even a
  24. My meth iv struggle and how I’m coping

    So I guess I started over? I’m not sure now. I got to post a certain amount of characters to post. So abused and trying to get me dependent on meth. There will be more stories. I’m kinda tired right now and I need to think and listen to the rain. Crazy life but it’s all slowed down now. Probably even a lil slower
  25. I didn’t ask for this and it got bigger than me

    some back story, iv wasn’t my choice. Someone who held no regard to my life or my being alive, decided I needed to join him. I wasn’t interested in the least, I got way bent on the bowl. This was 12/13 years ago now so meth was something. So he has points, we always had dope, and I don’t know anything about it. I don’t want to do it. He says hold still or it’ll hurt. I don’t know the size of the hit I don’t know anything about this but my mind was blown in that instant The rush kept on for...
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