Journals

  1. DOPE FREE- DAY 2

    Going on 2 days. I can say with certainty that I’m not craving heroin at all, even the slightest. But my feelings of shame and disgust with myself for making the decision to go back to something which ruins my life, harms my relationships, does nothing but cause pain and build resentment... those feelings are more present than ever before. Off the dope, and using buprenorphine to help keep my mind at ease. The constipation is definitely not helping, however... hoping Miralax works some...
  2. I went to therapy

    I went into the therapist yesterday. I left feeling really good about it. She is compassionate and experienced. I just woke up and don’t feel as good about it and I really want to use. I was told that is going to be normal in the beginning while going through this. She told me I have PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, and told me I am full of holes. Like swiss cheese lol. It all makes sense and I am grateful for it. I was 100% honest with her. Held nothing back and let her know that I was ready to...
  3. DOPE-FREE: DAY ONE

    Day one... Almost complete. I'm trying to remind myself that it's not about the time. It's not about getting through each day. It's about living each day, moment by moment... Mindfulness is key, and I guess you could say that withdrawal is a beautiful time to practice. Time to stay in the moment, even if the moment involves some pain and suffering. Perhaps this is what I need to experience, to keep me from going back to what causes all of that pain and suffering to begin with: heroin. The...
  4. Paint My Black Wings White

    "Absence and death are the same, only in death there is no suffering." - Theordore Roosevelt Lately, I've been less than average. Honestly, I've just felt like shit; lack of sleep, neglecting nutrition and just life really. My grandmother passed away last week and when I got the call she wouldn't make it, I was by her side within the hour. She wasn't conscious but supported via an arterial stent, allowing the opportunity for us to say our goodbyes. I don't know if she heard us, the nurses...
  5. 2 weeks clean

    Good evening, So this is my first journal entry. Not sure what I am looking for, but will dive in for hopes of helping someone else in my situation. Cocaine has controlled my life for over three years. At first it was very enticing, and provided me relief from any stress, anxiety, or depressive moods I was in. I strictly used in a social setting, but as such with this drug, and as time crept on, I began using frequently. I would go through periods of using everyday to periods of using a...
  6. Getting honest and facing demons.

    If I am going to do this I am going to do it right. Really commit to it. With that being said I am going to try and post here as often as it feels right to do so. I listened to my phone messages last night and had one from the psychologists office telling me they had an earlier time and day for me to come in. This freaked me out. Why? I am not sure. Or I wasn’t until I thought about it a bit. If I go in earlier I will have to face my demons earlier and what if she is a crappy therapist? What...
  7. 7 days off phenibut and feel almost back to normal.

    So I had major problems coming of this shit! I had so many problems. Crazy anxiety, shivers given from Satan himself, insomnia, nausea and vomiting etc. I done a couple of CT from high doses of benzo and these withdraws are very a like. But this was way longer.. no seizures but freezing 24/7 instead. I have written about this many times and I know it might sound like a shitty thing It was the worst symptom over the whole period. I wasted two whole summers under thick blankets, feet made of...
  8. Parental Advisory Explicit Content

    1-13-19 shitfuckpiss, howzitgoin everybody! Firstest and mostest my apologies to my friends here for leavin em hangin, especially to the ones I promised crap like "i'll always be here for ya" right before I did my duck dive, or did you even notice my chair's been empty awhile? But yeah I always end up findin a way to fuck up the good things that come my way. Anyway, I left; I didnt say shit, just drifted off. I guess this site is a microcosm of my real life, I've left a trail out here too....
  9. Opioids and Alcohol a 4 year struggle.

    The first time I had an opiate I was 17 years old and had meningitis. They prescribed me 60 Vicodin 7.5’s. I needed it for sure it was to date the worst pain I have ever been in. But as I came down to the last 3 pills I realized something important. I loved these things. I love the emotional pain they took away as well as the physical. Lucky for me it was not overwhelming and I did not chase the high. I was just sad after the last one wore off. Now I know about PAWS and how hard it can be on...
  10. Back after a joyful hiatus

    Hey guys, its been a while since I last posted. Been down in tasmania australia seeing the sights, meeting new people and doing apple thinning on one of the largest farms in the Huon Valley area. Its been great. Did some travelling in the first month, went down to the south of tasmania as well as over to the west coast. Done some bushwalks, been to a dozen different beaches, met some amazing locals, tourists and backpackers. No hookups unfortunately, but hit it and quit it isn't my style...
  11. The beginning.

    Well I’ll take a stab at finally doing this, after only pretty much lurking on the forums for years. I can’t say my present day addictions are purely or even directly the result of conditions during my childhood, but there’s always this nagging feeling that it’s at least partially true, even when I’m at my most honest, down to the level stage with myself...I know I’m not just trying to manipulate my own mind into believing lies in order to get what it wants. There is no way I ever...
  12. One year off of meth! It sorta flew bye.

    Sitting here, scrolling through the recent activity page, it dawned on me that today is January 10. Last January 10 I was coming down from my intended last hoo-ra with meth. I was staying with the person who supplied me then. He was actually quite supportive of it, as I was on several waiting lists for dual diagnostic treatments and IRTS programs. The leading treatment was a place that after the first 30 days, I would have been able to transfer to a less restrictive building for women with...
  13. The beginning.

    Well I’ll take a stab at finally doing this, after only pretty much lurking on the forums for years. I can’t say my present day addictions are purely or even directly the result of conditions during my childhood, but there’s always this nagging feeling that it’s at least partially true, even when I’m at my most honest, down to the level stage with myself...I know I’m not just trying to manipulate my own mind into believing lies in order to get what it wants. There is no way I ever...
  14. 72 Days Methadone Free!

    I wanted to post an update on my journal to look back on and to possibly help others. After 5 years on methadone I can finally say I am 72 days without methadone! I couldn’t be more proud of myself. I took kratom for a little over 3 weeks to ease withdrawal symptoms and then weaned off of that. It feels great to be clean of all substances, but it has been overwhelming at times. I FEEL things now. I feel emotions that I haven’t felt in years. The cloudy brain is gone for the most part and...
  15. A final ketamine experience

    Today will be my last ketamine treatment. At least for now. I know that the doctor will let me come back if it need it in the future; hopefully I won’t. It has been so helpful. I was hospitalized for 21 days in July. The doctor I had there was convinced that no pill could help me. She insisted I try deep brain stimulation — where an implant is placed in the brain, just behind the nose, and and electrical stimulus is run through the brain from a little pacemaker implanted in the chest — or...
  16. Want to know what scares the shit out of me?

    The fact that I can't function without a substance. Granted, this year I went from IV fentanyl to suboxone to tianeptine-I still need something to feel human. When I don't have it, even once the physical withdrawls are over, my brain never quite fixes itself. Prozac worked for a while, but there's a max daily dose they can't go past. Depakote makes me balloon up like a fucking whale, not doing that again. So, I stick to my fast acting antidepressant I get in the mail. I get so nervous...
  17. Some food for thought concerning take-home doses vs. daily Methadone dispensing

    After I went to my methadone doctor every day for over nine months I have had a talk with her about how I want to have my future methadone regimen. It is either staying on daily visits or a single visit per week where I am dispensed that day's dose and get a script for the rest of 6 days. On one hand I was always going there with a good inner feeling because I was occupied for some hours in the morning and because they know how to provide a positive atmosphere, even though one only came...
  18. A Puffy Methy New Year

    Well as the New Year rolled over in the land Down Under, I kicked it off with none other than my little sweet friend and it's energy source. I had work and even though I finished early so didn't give two hoots about making celebration plans, I'm confident I wouldn't have planned anything anyway. Going out hardly excites me anymore and I've been lacking motivation for anything atypical from my usual routine anyway, thanks meth.. So I methed the night away and decided that the only resolution...
  19. A little insight

    I have been struggling with addiction my whole life. Most recently meth for years straight. Injecting at least a gram a day... Needless to say my health, friends, finances, self worth all went downhill.. the first year wasn't to bad. I enjoyed doing meth. It gave me a sense of confidence I never had before, made my anexity go away, my depression was better and I could go and do and handle everyday activities.. ...I was going through a breakup of 10 years so emotionally I was a wreak.... Meth...
  20. Putting the Nicotine to Sleep

    First day without nicotine, haved had a terrible headache for the latter half of today. Naproxen and Acetaminophen kicked in so it hurts less, although it flares up if I stand up and move much. I remember watching Supersize Me when I was a kid, been remembering that line about the "three day hump" for quiting smoking. Been applying for jobs in harm reduction and peer support. We'll see where that goes throughout January. Car started having issues last night so it's in the shop now. Still...
  21. Sixty days!

    i have 60 days clean! Well 62 today actually, the 60 day mark passed by unnoticed. I guess that’s a good thing in a way? I have been very busy with work and with visiting family. I think the buprenorphine is working well. I am steady at my dose of 8.6 mg (equivalent to 12 mg of suboxone). I see my nurse practitioner in a couple of days. I have no cravings or desire to use drugs, and no symptoms of withdrawal. I think I am going to stay on the buprenorphine for a while now, since in the...
  22. So Tired

    My God. I went to a party last night, stayed out til around midnight which is a lot for me. Also I stayed a my parents house, which could have something to do with the carnival in my head. Yesterday I took half a tramadol and a quarter of a klonopin with a little kratom and phenibut and I felt fine. Not amazing, but able to interact with people and have a decent energy level throughout the evening. But man when I got home I laid in bed thinking about the work I had to do in the...
  23. Stop Lying To Yourself

    Stop lying to yourself, you fucken idiot. You told yourself you wouldn't use the days between Xmas and New Year to get a good rest from the shit. But you can't help yourself and while you could've taken the opportunity to sleep as much as you needed, undisturbed, you went and smashed a couple grams of meth instead... Now you've pushed it all too far again and your physical body has had enough. Stop lying to yourself, you're not capable to do this. You're not getting off this shit anytime...
  24. Its a new day its a new dawn

    and a star is born. Am in good mood. Weed consumption is reduced to after sunset. Slowly things are resolving. Decided not to smoke weed during the come on. Weed HUGELY amplified ALL psychedelics for me and can send me straight back into the trip or further sometimes. Be careful with this combination.
  25. Motivation

    Ive been struggling a lot with motivation and interests. Its not just that im unmotivated, its that I just dont care. I know I need to give it more effort and something will come of it but in the meantime Im bored as hell. Ive been taking small doses of benzos this week. It doesnt help much with the motivation issue. it seems like its not that big of a deal but Im already having trouble quitting when I tell myself to not take anything. I know I should focus on doing productive things...
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