Journals

  1. I was gonna go to class, but then I got high....

    Afroman's one hit wonder did not, thankfully, describe my college career at any point in time, so far. One of my roommates in the dorm was not as mature as I apparently was at the tender age of eighteen. Oh, I did stupid shit. I heard if you snorted Zoloft it was like Ecstasy, so what did my genius ass do? I sneezed. And sneezed. And SNEEZED and started to think that I had somehow permanently fucked my nasal passages into a constant state of sneeze and the sneezing would just continue until...
  2. I didn’t ask for this and it got bigger than me

    some back story, iv wasn’t my choice. Someone who held no regard to my life or my being alive, decided I needed to join him. I wasn’t interested in the least, I got way bent on the bowl. This was 12/13 years ago now so meth was something. So he has points, we always had dope, and I don’t know anything about it. I don’t want to do it. He says hold still or it’ll hurt. I don’t know the size of the hit I don’t know anything about this but my mind was blown in that instant The rush kept on for...
  3. Thoughts and Feelings In Relapse

    Of all the things I could have been, I had to be a should’ve been. Life is nothing I expected it to be, I’m far from what I used to see. Dreams and hopes one day I’d fulfil, Now faded memories as I spiral downhill. I never pictured this, no way not in hell, But truth be told I’m under meth’s spell. I want so much more and I want to be great, But sometimes it seems that this be my fate. I can’t comprehend how I was so naïve, That I lost self-control and gave in like Eve. But this is my...
  4. Why this journal? Truth!

    I am writing this in search of the “truth”. On my journey I have discovered many of the truths I thought were real were actually not-truth. Not deep and complex philosophical truths like “people are good not evil”. I am talking about actual things like “I did x because of y” or even just “x happened”. This pre-dates my drug addiction. To be “accountable” to the “truth”, I’m trying to follow a couple rules as to how I structure this. In writing this, I am trying to overcome my natural...
  5. Cold turkey starts tomorrow

    I've prepared myself for tomorrow by doing or getting the following things: Deleted my dealers numbers along with any texts or other ways of getting weed Gave myself something to do for most of the day sleeping tablets (no sleepless nights helps a lot) Have an exercise plan for tomorrow when I feel restless Told all my friends I'm busy and can't be around them until I've completely kicked the habit Wash lots of clothes (gets sweaty) Banned from having physical cash (card only!) I know...
  6. University is not quite what I thought it was going to be... And is sort of exactly what I expected.

    Hey all, I know its been a while. I hope you have all been well! As per my last journal post, I am currently at university studying a bachelor of science, with a plan to focus on marine science in particular (not many marine biology degrees around these parts). Overall, I've been very disappointed. Classes have to be the lousiest part of uni. I don't mind assignments and tests and most of the material (stats is always a tedious course, and basic chem hasn't been much better), but being a 26...
  7. 2.5 days down

    Actually felt pretty good today. First part of the day was a little ruff cause I didn’t know what to do with myself. So I decided to get up and do stuff. I even went for a one hour hike. The key is definitely to keep your mind and body busy. Boredom is my main opponent. That’s when my mind starts building up anxiety. I actually feel really good right now. Started really listening to music again and wow it sounds so good! I actually feel like my mood is more pleasant and stable as well. I’ve...
  8. 2 years later

    Since 3-13-17 I've been eating kratom only since. Had some urges to order tianeptine or get drugs but not enough to act on them. Started drinking 1-2 beers a day before bed a couple weeks ago and vaped/ate some dabs a couple times in the last 2 years. Going to try to keep updates as needed.
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  9. Old Habits Die Hard

    Well, I guess the title explains it all... I've been using again over the last week and am currently now. Definitely didn't plan on it. But I guess when you don't lay the foundations correctly, default behaviours quickly come back into play... My "best friend" betrayed me. That was the trigger. I bought a small amount in one deal and from there it escalated. The person I got off of asked I wanted to go for a drink later that weekend, I agreed. It was actually fun, he was there with an old...
  10. Stopping buprenorphine

    I bet you thought this journal entry was gonna be about how I'm now stopping buprenorphine. Ha! I gotcha! It's not. I've been thinking about all the times I've stopped bupe in the past. This must be my.... 3rd? or 4th time around with the medication. I was skimming over a journal article that was on the lines of how we need to get more people on FDA-approved medications for opioid use disorder to combat the opioid epidemic that is raging in our country and in our world. This in direct...
  11. Last dose

    Took my last dose of 0.5 mg this morning at about 0930. I purposefully ran out of my script early to force myself to quit. I’ve been on subs for four years and have been wanting to quit for the last 3.5 years, but have been too scared to make the jump. I want to get back to the person I was before doing drugs, which is someone I barely remember. My week is planned out pretty well; I work tomorrow and than have four days off. Feeling pretty good about this.
  12. Why am I doing this, exactly?

    Do I even like meth? I don't feel high, I don't feel a rush, I might feel more awake and I'll probably write a lot in this entry, but otherwise it's not fun for me in the way drugs usually are. Also, I may have fucked myself over regarding the opioid contract I just signed, as this is lasting longer than I expected (thanks, Prozac, for that CYP2D6 inhibition.) My urine sample showed up positive for amphetamines, I told my doctor it was pseudoephedrine, and I don't know if she believes me or...
  13. There will always be ups and downs

    No matter how happy we are in ourselves, we are still going to have down days and days where we feel tempted to use again. We will make excuses to ourselves for why it would be ok to use, just that once, but it's our choice to accept these temptations will always crop up in our lives, for the rest of our lives and it's the choice we make each and every time that will determine the course our life will take. We might tell ourselves, just this once, just a small amount, but it never stops at...
  14. DOPE-FREE: Day 25

    Alright, day, almost a month. Hard to believe; time flies. But I’m still upset with myself. Today, I met with the doctor and told him I wanted to taper off of buprenorphine; I’m doing it! Hopefully going to complete the tapering process in 2 weeks, because I’m at such a low dose, but I’ll stretch it out if necessary. I’ve been having a lot of partial seizures recently, and it’s been taking a toll on me, both mentally and emotionally. I missed cannabis so much. Because of my decision to...
  15. Quick update/moment of clarity

    I visited a friend who had a baby nine weeks ago. We walked around the park near her house with the baby and sat on her porch and talked a bit. When I left I realized how crazy it is that I want to continue taking heroin. I also realized that with the buprenorphine the tides turn such that impulsive acts of insanity to do opiates will be thwarted, but impulsive moments of clarity will compel me to take the pill and prevent relapse later. As frustrating as it can be, I guess that’s why...
  16. Even a Blind Hog Finds an Acorn Sometimes

    Howzitgoin, everybody! I'm takin a quick break at work to offer my congratulations to everybody who's being uplifted in rank. And I wanna thank all y'all for your tolerance, patience, forgiveness, and friendship, and just letting me be a part of it all. I gotta get back to work now. I'm approximately 50 days off meth. I could be doin better in other areas tho. Y'all have a decent day!
  17. Buprenorphine

    My feelings are conflicted. I'm extremely grateful that I'm not in withdrawal, that I was prescribed a pill that wiped out all the horrible symptoms that were starting to emerge, that made me feel pretty good but not high, and that allowed me to wake up without feeling like a train ran over me. I should be ecstatic. Instead, I'm depressed. All I dreamt about last night was heroin and then some strange depressing dreams where I was in awkward and uncomfortable situations. It has only been...
  18. Need opinions

    I got clean in March of last year, after spending two months in jail. I think I went through a pink cloud for a few months. For those unfamiliar with the word, it means-as far as I understand-a happy time when your body feels human again. Around June, I became very tempted to use, so I went on Suboxone. While it helped tremendously, it also required 4 months of 3 IOP meetings, a weekly counseling session, and three meetings a week. I ended up being there til around Thanksgiving, as I had a...
  19. Dope Free: Day 22

    Hard to believe it’s already almost been a month. It’s crazy, I’m not craving heroin at all, some of which I owe to my suboxone prescription... but my mental health is suffering. I’m incredibly busy with classes right now, a full-time student, and struggling to keep my cool. I am very stressed. I feel incredibly irritable, and gravitate towards a mood of hostility towards others... even my boyfriend, who I love dearly. Why am I such a bitch? I just want to know... has anyone else...
  20. Day 6 of sub taper no subs today day 6 no oxy

    I am tired. Sometimes dizzy. Very weak. Sweating and cold chills. Body aches. No subs today. 2mg of valium to relax. No more medicinal smell to my sweat like with the oxy. I took a nap again today which I normally don't do. Still no energy though. Using bathroom everyday now. All my pain is back making the rest of my symptoms really annoying. I wasscared to take anymore subs I thought 6 days was good. I'm hoping tomorrow I will feel mostly betterso I can start getting my life back.
  21. Made the Appointment

    I made an appointment for Wednesday afternoon with a doctor who provides buprenorphine. Hopefully I won't have to be on the stuff for very long and I can put this strange chapter of my life behind me. Thanks to everyone on D-F who encouraged me to not delay in making the call! The urgency annoyed me a little at first, but I actually needed that extra push! Also, my regular addiction therapist (she's a psychologist and can't prescribe medication) canceled our meeting today. I was going to...
  22. Day 5 of suboxone taper Day 11 since start of oxy taper

    I can't sleep. Even with a small piece of valium. I was able to take a nap today. I never nap. I am hungrier than usual. I feel my body working better. I still have no energy. A little achy. Today I took 1mg and like a little more than 1 in afternoon/night. Tomorrow I will try nothing. I yearn for the day this is over. I did use an oil pen to relax my mind a little earlier. Just sharing what I'm going through. I hope everyone is right because this is my first sub taper it's easy. I don't...
  23. Wednesday 27th - Sunday 31st March

    I am struggling to remember exactly what I used and when... the last few days have been a blur Wednesday: 2g 5pm - ? (housemate was out) Thursday: 1g 9pm - 3am (pub then made excuses to go home) Friday: 1g 7pm - 4am (friend's birthday) Sunday: 1.5g 2pm - 2am (home alone) Think that's right.. Since 1st March:22g This is the most I've used ever :(
  24. broken bones

    broke my collerbone. typing with my left hand and scared of what comes next. i dont know how best to deal with this but i hope i canm cope without a negative focus on drugs. also im very active so i dont want to lose any mobility. probably need surgery and a plate. ive bnever broken a bone. uphill battle on the way.
  25. University

    Hi everyone who takes the time to read my entries. Life is great. Nearly 11 months clean now and just turned 50. I've started my STEPS course at Uni on campus and was very overwhelmed at first and had the very real fear that my Meth addiction had messed with my brain and almost had a meltdown, thinking I was too stupid to study but I've just finished my 3rd week and had one quiz, which i got 85% out of 100% which I'm happy with lol. I've submitted my first assessment early and waiting on...
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