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Blog Entries List

Blog Entries from community members

Support Fellow Members in Recovery

  • Oxy Bout. Round 6

    Df Community, Today is the day I truly get tested. The Re-up... Not going to lie pretty damn nervous about that. But I believe that I've put in the hours and days to hold out. My brain is just swimming with ideas. Also I don't know what it is. But my feet hurt! But mainly only the heel. And on the arch sometimes....
  • Since Saturday

    Today is Thursday, marking my 6th day clean. I've had a couple of cravings but I was able to keep my mind off of it by my work. I've been a little tired but I know that will get better with time.
  • Oxy Bout. Round 5

    Community, Wanted to start off by saying thank you to those who's have given any kind of comment, you guys and gals are awesome. Anywho's.... Day 6/7ish Finally maybe coming out of the worst of the storm. (Still in some sort of storm, just not the worst part) still dealing with horrible insomnia. Have to load...
  • A new life is born-Addicted to life: Restarting & Fighting spirit

    So I'm back, and I came with a new insight that I didn't have prior to this. I'm not perfect, nobody walking this earth surface is, that's a tough pill that I had to swallow in my life. Its not just me, I feel like deep down everyone wants to be perfect, not making a mistake, always being on time, always doing...
  • The big lie continues

    Here I am day 3 of the most abysmal attempt to quit the dope. It sounds so good to be clean and free, but I just can't seem to get out of my way. WHAT makes me think I can do this on my own? Oh,ya, my delusional thinking.. At what point did I think I was God, and just stop using? My ego haunts me daily. My...
  • Oxy Bout. Round 4

    DF Community, First off thanks Heart, and Aem. For the support and advice. Maybe when and if I can scrape together some cash I'll be able to get some extract. Anyways... Day 5 It's a very very late night and very early morning. Probably about 3 hours of sleep. If that. And the RLS is still just daunting. But I...
  • New life

    Today marks 2 days and I'm a little tired but I'm holding up! I'm on this path beacause I just don't get any enjoyment out of it anymore, a much needed change is in order. I'm glad I'm alive and well.
  • Oxy bout. Round 3

    Hello again Community, Yes still here. I was up at a wedding 800 miles away. Man that was a trip (without anything!) Day 4/5 so yes I'm still doing okay. The sleep has still been bad. But the RLS is still worse. I've been coping with the sleep due to Ambien. Which I really hate taking. Because I know of the...
  • Overthinking.

    Today I am going to touch the question that has been hounting me for years since I myself became a parent (Not the ideal one, I guess, but I am trying). Years ago on this forum was a thread with a question along these lines (Can not remember correctly): "Would you let your children get known to the drugs, be...
  • Every day struggle.

    So I decided to start a new journal, since my first was about my most recent relapse and I feel I'm past that head space. I last used in late March (opiates, anyway) and I've been doing fine staying away from them even though the cravings are still near constant. Buuuut, me being a moron I have gotten wrapped up...
  1. Listen to the Doctor Bumble

    So I've done so many detox's I've got it down to a fine art where I don't over does and get arrested for being a nut nut. This is how perfect I've got my dose. day 1 nearly 24hrs in I made it to an NA meeting. getting there on my bike wasn't easy but I made it. I didn't share just sat feeling the detox meds Day two was a nightmare. my gf decided to halfind the dose I have her so she wasn't sick but wife awake and wobbly. she then decided to buy a six pack of pear cider and became a total...
  2. Just an update

    Sorry for the absence. It wasn't intended. Changed network provider and DF was blocked and it's taken ages to get unblocked. Things got crazy here. Our habits got massive again and I was out all day hussling money together and putting myself at serious risk of serious prison time. Well enough was enough, we were both sick of it so I sourced the detox drugs and we're now on day 2. The drugs are not hitting me like they use to as I'd picked up a bit of a benzoate habit. Half a gram mainlined...
  3. One of the hardest things iv done.

    So its been 7 days and i havent posted for a bit, still havent given in but its nearly killijg me i swear, in this time iv gotten the flu, conjunctivitis and a uti (got checked for the clap - negative ) as well as swelling in one of my feet that the doctor said is called reactive arthritis, ontop of that my kidneys have been hurting on and off, the worst part is the anxiety attacks, twice in 2 days iv nearly had my parents take me to the er i was convinced i was about to have a heart attack,...
  4. Addicted To Life Day 17-19 Progression

    Reality hit me today for the first time while i was sober. I was watching a movie and the thought of being able to reproduce life came to my mind. The thought we as species on this earth can come together and create life is incredible, the thought that life is so random that we really dont have much of a say in what gender the baby will be, or how many babies will be produced at once. The qualitys that baby will have, is crazy how that new life is put together. Life is incredible. We have...
  5. Day 12

    Well, again, I can't tell if I'm feeling better than yesterday or not but I think I might be a little bit. It's just so subtle. So I still had night sweats last night. It's so frustrating because shouldn't that be over? Other than that, I'm doing ok. Just tired. I'm at work. Had a nice big breakfast this morning and a V8. Since I started detoxing, I haven't been drinking any caffeine. I used to live on Diet Coke and red bulls but I cut those out totally too because of the anxiety I had for...
  6. Anxieties beating me down.

    yesterday was a pointless court meeting, i didnt even need to be there really, it was more about the state versus my ex, not divorce. Our divorce case is set for june 22nd. Here we sit struggling, getting back to work,me back on medications, and he sits in brand new everything, down to the earrings, even rings on his hand. Tells my son, threw text, he got them new shoes. What the fuck, how about doing someting actually helpful, like make a rent payment, or provide something for his 2 year...
  7. 10 Positives

    Looking at the bright side, here are 10 Positives to giving up motorcycle riding: 10. Expenses, maintenance and insurance. 9. Cleaning, no more washing, polishing. 8. More room in garage. 7. Fewer trips for fuel (no worrying about getting a drop of fuel on the tank paint). 6. Lifetime supply of bungees, bandanas and baby wipes on hand. 5. Clothing, I can leave the house without denim or leather and wear girl shoes! 4. No more weather watching, rain will no longer keep me under an...
  8. Made it through another day

    Well, I've made it through yet another day. I feel like today was hard, but now that I'm thinking about it, I actually got up and made dinner without thinking only about laying back down. I went to work, I took care of my kids without too much trouble. All in all, maybe I'm better. It's almost bedtime for the kids and then I can go to bed. It's so crazy how when you use, 2 weeks literally FLIES by. But when you quit, it feels like months have passed. Yet it's only been 11 days. I think...
  9. I hate this...

    This is skipping around, but it has been almost a week since I used Fentanyl. I'm still so fukking sick. Every morning starts with almost or actually barfing, then think about what if anything I can eat. The nausea is like being pregnant, so it's the all cracker and diet Sprite diet. Yay for carbs. I can't always hold down the Gabapentin - which is too bad because it helps. I feel like my beloved best friend is gone. I would almost kill for an Oxi 80. Everything hurts I have to keep...
  10. Day 11

    So I woke up early today. Truthfully, I didn't want to get up but I had to get ready for work anyways. I got about 8 hours of sleep last night. Woke up once with night sweats but went back to sleep. Still not feeling great but the symptoms I'm having are tolerable. Just hard to get my body moving. I'm lazy, no energy and cold. That's it. I guess I should be thankful, but the no energy is HARD to deal with. All par for the course I suppose. I'm at work now. Have 4 more hours and then I have a...
  11. Day 1 post quitting kratom - lots of cravings

    I wrote a long rambling post yesterday night. I took my last dose of kratom around 9:30PM, now it's noon, so it's been 14 and a half hours since my last dose. I'm honestly feeling pretty good, feeling slightly spaced out, but had a good breakfast this morning. I was sooo close to convincing myself to go to the store and buy a 25g bag of kratom. Thank god, I stopped. I did a 10-minute meditation with Headspace (pretty helpful) and now I'm sitting down with work to do. I know if i go buy...
  12. Hanging up my helmet

    The realization that I need to give up motorcycle riding is clear. My vision is poor, I can no longer lift my bike and my reflexes are waning. Time to give it up. I am very concerned that this will lead me back to the bottle. This will be a major lifestyle change for me, and it is scary. How will I replace the rush? Some of you will understand, others will not. I know my decision is for the best, it just doesn't make it any easier. I can do this.
  13. Court Day...

    Thanks for the support , you guys are great. Im extremely stressed and doing the best i can not to flip out on a daily basis. I will talk to my shrink about the Lyrica, i have a huge problem with pride, i dont know why, something inside makes me feel shameful even using such strong medications, i dont know why, just so damn stubborn, cant believe ive made it this far in life without needing them. Since this incident, i had to apply for state insurance back, so i was extremely lucky with...
  14. Not Toking Pot (day 16)

    Forgive me, I'm 16 days late on starting this journal, so I have A LOT to cover. But today makes 16 days clean from smoking marijuana. Let me put this out there: I do not think smoking pot is bad. I wish I still could smoke pot, however, because of jobs that will be drug testing me shortly in the future, my pothead days are sadly over. Let me go ahead and cover some things that I would have mentioned if I posted an entry for day 1. First off, my first time smoking pot was when I was 13. It...
  15. Last day of using Kratom

    I have read drugs-forum on and off for many years, but this is my first time posting. For many years I used CWE codeine daily in complete secret, and tried to go about my life as normal but generally felt shitty all the time. When I started in a professional program in university, I started partying much harder than before. Drinking nearly every day became the norm. Furthermore, I began using cocaine, and what started as a once a month ordeal mutated into any time I drank any alcohol,...
  16. Goodbye day 10. Hello day 11

    So, I actually ended up doing a lot today. More than I've done since this detox started. Had a doctors appt, picked up kids, did all my new hire paperwork, background check, etc etc. My kids just went to bed and now I just realized how exhausted I am. I am just a few minutes away from a full 10 days since I took those last oxycodones, and luckily, I don't think I had any setbacks since I was administered that 1 tramadol pill at the hospital yesterday afternoon. Felt pretty much the same...
  17. 50

    The plan was to go ahead and drop from 50mcg to 25mcg and be done with Fentanyl before a family vacation. That didn't happen because one of the rods holding my foot together bent and had to be replaced. This was February 2017. It was supposed to be a simple procedure, but I ended-up with MRSA again. MRSA is an antibiotic resistant infection that can enter the blood stream. It often starts on the skin then invades through a cut, sore or surgical incision. (Be careful Meth users. It can enter...
  18. Day 10

    So yesterday evening I had a small medical procedure done. They wanted to give me a dose of hydrocodone before. I didn't want to so they suggested tramadol. I took exactly 1 dose of 50mg tramadol and prayed it wouldn't set me back. It definitely made me feel good after 9 days of nothing. So today I'm still counting myself at dat 10. I don't have physical withdrawals or anything again. Just feel tired still and having motivational issues and just weak. I'm glad I didn't come home with a...
  19. Updates, Med Changes, Organization

    Well, I'm moving out of my current program and into a nearby therapeutic residence. I feel a lot more emotionally regulated and I don't feel like the program addressed all my substance use needs. Thus I'm planning to do a partial program that's specifically for substance use, it's at the same hospital too and from what I've read about their treatment philosophy, I think it'll be a good fit. Had a few relapses since my last entry. Twice on alcohol, once on pills (Baclofen, it was boring),...
  20. 75 to 50

    In December 2016, my family was able to get together for the holidays. One of my daughters is a nurse and decided to sneak into my medicine box to see what I was taking. She was pretty much horrified and gave me a stern lecture on how I was going to overdose if I continued taking that much. I admit it scared me, so I found a new doctor and he immediately cut my oxi's from 10 to 6 a day. I had all the side effects of withdrawal - including barfing, itching and having the water hurt if I ever...
  21. Title about titles.

    Here's where this was before borking: It's all about language. It's all about narrative. And it's all about what that does to your own expectations, and the expectations of others. Bill W. was a bit of a con-artist, even AA will admit, and stole his twelve-step ideas (from the Oxford Group); but holy shit did he create an unstoppable steam-roller, crushing individuals under a new cultural mythos, full of new terms, slogans, acronyms, chants and stories. Especially stories. Everyday tens...
  22. Addicted To Life Day: 16 Energies

    What type of energy are you projecting today? double check, seriously! are you negative, are you positive, are you loving? are you hating? are you absorbing? what is your energy today expelling? If you walk around with a negative attitude, saying to yourself you cant do something for whatever petty excuse you've seemed to make up. What do you think is mostly likely going to happen, do you honestly believe that, if you think you cant do something, your going to get it done? How, how do you...
  23. Day 41

    Hello everyone. It's day 41 and I'm still clean! Tomorrow will be 6 weeks clean or a month and a half. I'm feeling okay today. I accidentally took two of my lithium this morning so I'm feeling a little tired but I made it to the gym for the first time in 3 days. I made it 20 minutes on the elliptical and I'm feeling pretty good about it. I don't get the runner's high anymore but I do feel better for the rest of the day when I work out plus I can hold my head up high knowing I did at least...
  24. Morning of day 9

    Well it's day 9. I haven't made it to day 9 since 2015. Wow. I slept pretty good last night. Woke up a couple times covered in sweat but was able to fall back asleep. Slept for 8 hours. I'm still not feeling GREAT but compared to 2 days ago, it's a HUGE change. I just went to the store and got a delicious breakfast bagel and a fruit smoothie. About to devour it. Even though I got a lot of sleep I still feel very tired. It's 9:30am and since I'm not working maybe I'll just climb back in bed...
  25. Got My Job Back!

    Today is a great day for me, not doing well on this cigarette battle, but i get to go back to cleaning apartments today:D Im so grateful for that. Im starting off slow since my medications make me so damn tired, but every day gets easier. Not much to say, just super excited to get back to making my own income. Since my ex has been gone, Ive cut our bills in half. with this part time job, and the assistance i receive from our state, I will be able to support my family pretty comfaortably....
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