Journals

  1. bumps along the road

    I have been successful at getting off the Kratom. The tianeptine sulfate taper is a different matter. I have really been struggling with depression and it gets much worse with even a small drop in dose, so I have had to stay at 270mgs to feel relatively normal, ie mildly depressed. I have a plan on doing more TMS and have even considered doing a round of ECT though that would be a last resort. I'm still looking into a reliable steady supply of psilocybin mushrooms so I can continue to use...
  2. Last Chance with Buprenorphine

    I finally went back to the buprenorphine doctor today. The therapist and doctor weren’t very friendly towards me and I suppose I’m lucky they even refilled my prescription. The therapist told me I didn’t seem committed and that an inpatient program might be a better option for me. After a lot of lecturing about the dangers of heroin and how buprenorphine doesn’t work if I don’t take it, he recommended to the prescribing doctor that I go on 16 milligrams a day. I was prescribed a one week...
  3. Winning 5,000$ a week for life, (but broke by Thursday)

    I was day dreaming today about that 5,000$ a week for life and how it'd be great. Then I started wondering if I won it while I was using. Sure I told myself, " you'd never blow through that money that fast"! In four days? Really!!! I can't begin to explain the lack of responsibility I built up during my meth addiction. I just simply stopped caring about everything family, God, friends,job,home and everything else in my life. I was only worried about staying high. It's like...
  4. Not sure I’m doing this correctly

    When I started this journal entry it was late Friday night, technically Saturday morning. Now it’s exactly 24 hours later. I was in the pull out bed at my mother-in-law’s cottage. The frenzy of family had subsided. I felt like a mental patient. Like my whole day was a blur of just going along with everything in a state of passive obedience. I felt like a robot with a whacked appetite for nothing but berries and pie. I found no pleasure in my wine or Prosecco. Although I’m getting used to...
  5. Grace under fire? Me?

    Yesterday my sister texted me with a rather sudden and drastic financial proposal. She found and wants to buy her dream house. We've jointly owned two duplexes--paid in full--since 2005, thanks to a wealthy ancestor and a series of lucky gambits by our mom. It's been a wild and bumpy ride with some truly bizarre tenants and wacky mishaps. She wants to give me the more valuable house while I give her sole ownership of the duplex in which she's currently living (and hating her neighbors.)...
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  6. Heroin was not my first best lover and worst enemy

    Heroin was not my first best lover and worst enemy. In 2011 I got a prescription for Xanax 0.5 mg twice as day as needed. In a manner of months I was up to 2 mg three times a day, which is the usual max dose. And I needed it every day. The more I took, the less it worked, and the more I needed. By 2012 I was up to 12+ mg a day (not prescribed). I was basically on Xanax every waking hour, usually in a black out. Soon I was getting into frequent car accidents. When I didn't have Xanax my...
  7. My first real day on buprenorphine

    Today was my first day on buprenorphine intentionally, as in I took it because I want to quit my opiate addiction, not because I ran out of heroin. I’m away from home, with family on the North Fork of Long Island where everything is quaint and beautiful and overpriced. $10 for a pint of blueberries! They’re fresh from the farm. I bought a $10 pint of blackberries to keep the blueberries company. We went to the rock beach on Long Island sound. The kids swam in the cold water with their brave...
  8. Go The Blues!!!

    I went to the state of origin tonight. I don't like footy. In fact I've very much disliked it for years, ha! But one of my clients who I walk his dog for invited me last week and I thought why not. So we went tonight and I was treated with a treat, our state won. I had a great time, despite going to watch a game of sport I don't particularly like watching. :p I think the scariest thing I've realised is how much shutting myself of this year hasn't helped me. There have been phases where it...
  9. Some old digital art

    So I have been needle free for about a month. It sucks. I hate it. But I love it and I'm so proud of myself at the same time. Recovery is a weird road and I don't know if I like the journey or if I should turn around and run back to the comfort zone.
  10. I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul-(William Ernest Henley)

    I have been learning more about the biology of addiction and how addictive drugs work in the brain, how they change brain chemistry and hijack choice and freedom and I refuse to let any substance imprison me anymore. Even if on a scale of severity, it seems relatively minor perhaps to people with worse addictions. I mean anything that I feel I have to have to feel normal, to comply with a craving that makes no rational sense, has to go. I can say no an stop doing things that no longer...
  11. My Anger is Really Startin' to Piss Me Off

    Howzitgoin, everybody? I chose the 1st of the month so I can chart days at a glance. So unless I fuck up in the next few hours I got 9 days off the hielo. I'm done with the detox phase and I've wasted no time jumpin right into the "abrasive & offputting SOB" phase, which I'm enthusiastic about. I've decapitated a few morons already. When I'm comin down from meth is a bad time to be jerkin me around, or askin me idiotic questions, or interruptin me when I'm busy. And STUPID never fails to...
  12. Some good days

    I don't know the purpose of the entry, I just wanted to talk some more again. I feel pretty damn good today. It kicked off with a bush walk along a pipeline track around a nearby tidal river with my old yoga instructor. When I recently reactivated my Facebook soley to start up and market a page for my new business, we reconnected. I haven't attended yoga class in over a year and I learnt that she's moved on from that studio anyway but she is one of the most grounded, open-minded and...
  13. If it makes you happy....

    I can't believe I've been using meth regularly since March. So has my partner. Good thing he was considered disabled before, because he definitely hasn't been in any shape to keep a job recently. I knew he was disabled when I started dating him. I knew about his severe mental and several physical health issues. I knew how bad things were when I asked him to move across the country with me. Or did I? That's a tricky thing about depression: it makes you feel like things can't get any worse....
  14. Lets Try Again

    Just woke up I'm sober and im missing her more than ever but at least I'm not high and with each passing min it seems to get more and more discouraged. I wish I had her support like I once did. oh what i would give and if she truly gone this is a waste of effort. i need her guidence and words of encouragement i cant do this alone. please dont give up on me .
  15. Pressure, temptation, and vacation attempt round 2

    A friend who knows about my heroin use told me, “It’s time to stop and I’m pretty committed to that.” How lovely it would be if another person’s commitment could bring my addiction to an end. I know his intentions are good and he just cares about me and wants to do something. He’s plotting some sort of intervention, I think, after learning about the vacation plans that blew up in my face last week - a botched transition to buprenorphine. I took the maintenance meds too early and went into...
  16. Where to Even Begin

    Ive cut back substantially and I went almost a day and a half without using but last night I ended up pushing away the last person that provides support for me and the only person I think I have ever really loved. There is nothing left that I care about(which of course is my own doing) and my self hatred is at an all time high. I'm so disappointed in myself for so many reasons and on top of that my paranoia turns me against everyone and on my own i can not win against it. it becomes full...
  17. I Will Remember You. Will You Remember Me?

    "I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by....." So, on May 10th of 2019, I started smoking weed again. My life crumbled on that day, at 3:30PM. This was the day I killed my best friend, and for more on that, check out my post "I killed my best friend today". But suffice it to say, this was the day I said "fuck it. I just don't care." I'm 57 years old and I will smoke weed on a fairly regular basis, so fucking what? I work and own all of my own shit, I have...
  18. Time fly! Doing well

    It's been a while since I wrote anything here so I thought I might give you all an update. I'm doing pretty well. It's almost two months since I had any psychotic symptom, which is pretty amazing considering at the beginning of the year it was a daily struggle. I have just started a job I love. It's at a pharmacy, where I always wanted to work. My boss and coworkers are great people, and I'm honored to work with them. Many people say, "wouldn't working at a pharmacy be tempting, since you...
  19. My "anti-drugs," or, Oh God, I'm an after-school special.

    I imagine the term "after-school special" may or may not make sense to millennials, as I'm an old one and I don't remember many. For most of my childhood, however, I was only allowed to watch PBS. Which was probably a good idea, overall, though I recall Dr. Who scaring the crap out of me (my dad was a fan.) The point is that after-school specials were cheesy as fuck, especially the drug-related ones. But I find myself thinking in clichés like "meth is ruining my life," and "I never should...
  20. Play tape through

    Hey DF. It seems like boredom can be a huge factor when it comes to relapse. It's a killer as the day draws closing. Currently staying at my sister's house. I've started looking for a halfway house and a job very recently, just for more accountability and well of coarse money and something to do with my time. Yesterday I was on social media and I was contacted by a girl who I used to use with. We talked about the past and what not. She invited me to her house this upcoming...
  21. A vacation ruined by precipitated withdrawal

    I’m sitting in a cold doctor’s office at the urgent care. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t need a note to get my airfare refunded - roughly $1,000, according to my husband who insisted I come to this place. I don’t know why but I can’t bring myself to be honest about what’s going on with me. I can’t tell my husband because I’m afraid he’ll be devastated and I don’t want to tell the doctor because I don’t want this on my current medical record. Maybe I would tell my regular general...
  22. I need to talk

    I feel like I'm living a great big dirty secret. And I'm sensing that it's not going to really change until I come clean with my reality about what I've been secretly battling against for the last 18 months. Virtually alone. And it's breaking my heart because I honestly can't fathom ever doing that. It would just destroy my mum, dad and sister. I don't know what to do. I'm getting better but at times I just feel like I'm not even halfway yet. I guess that's because I'm still not.
  23. Wish I could beat the BEAST

    Another 6 days without alcohol but one bad day at work and I'm right back there. Bought wine on the way home.. on the last glass and wish I had more. Why is that? It's not changed anything, it hasn't made the work shit go away.. but I really just want it all to go away. Not just work crap but ALL of it. I reckon I'm lucky I never got into anything else to be fair.. probably be dead already.. FFS what a loser. I am precisely the person I hate.
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  24. Yesterday started off good..ended badly

    Yesterday (Thursday) morning started out amazing! Day 9 cold turkey off 2mgs Suboxone I woke up feeling great! I was a little weak in the knees but other than that, physically and emotionally I was feeling pretty damn good! I showered, and walked to the bank, stopped at the store and picked up a twisted tea to have later in the day. Smiling and feeling grateful all the way! While checking out at the store I saw an elderly woman in a wheelchair ahead of me. She had three very large bags of...
  25. I'm baaaak

    Well, I had made it longer this time. One month clean. But after visiting the the Fam, an seeing how bad mom is getting, I couldn't deal with it and got a fix. So now pretty soon I'll try again. All was good after the first week. Talked to an dear old friend. Planted some flowers. Cleaned up the house. Was feeling rather proud of myself. Now that I know I can do it, maybe next time will be longer. I just can't let the stuff I can't control trigger me. But for now I'll finish what I have...
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