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Recovery Journal Entries

Drug Addiction Support

  1. Well, cut in half at least.....

    So, today is only twenty instead of forty. Please remember, I don't shoot-so wish I did, this would be a lot cheaper. God that sounds awful. Ok, well at least I'll feel ok for a little bit, twice today. I so miss being able to wake up and not rely on a dealer.
    Tags:
  2. Day One Postponed - Again

    The morning started out okay. I was annoyed that my brain woke me up before my alarm, but also encouraged. However, as the day dragged on, I became tired and depressed. It hadn't occurred to me until later in the evening that I was experiencing the dreaded withdrawals (combined with that time of the month). Today really sucked. I am taking a break from facebook, which only makes me lonelier. Twitter is nothing but news and politics, which just makes me angry and frustrated. I have an amazing...
  3. Day 13 - almost two weeks off Oxycodone

    I’ve had a few people message me this time around to check in & make sure I’m doing okay. I haven’t felt the need to journal in these past two weeks but that may still change. Regardless, just thought I’d stop by and jot a few things down. Tomorrow marks two weeks off Oxy. I’ve done a short two week sub taper (with the help of a dear DF friend), and am currently down to a bit less than .5mg, will be jumping off the subs completely in two days. Hoping the withdrawals won’t be too bad since I...
  4. Maybe detox tomorrow

    So, I'm supposed to start detoxing tomorrow and I'm terrified. I'm at about forty a day, snorted, but the withdrawls seem as bad as when I was doing over a gram a day. The longest I've gone without in the past few months has been 24 hours, excluding about three weeks in June. The physical withdrawl symptoms aren't as bad as the mental for me. On top of the regular amount of anxiety and doom withdrawls bring, I have major depression, OCD, panic disorder, PTSD, and rape trauma syndrome. Anyone...
  5. Stupid Horrible Olanzapine

    Seriously, is this Withdrawal going to come to a conclusion, today I can't stop yawning and sneezing, it's highly annoying! I have been suffering with breathlesness too puffing and panting all the time. Iv felt very depersonalised too if that's the right term for it, skewy, ugh ! Iv had a ton of stress this week too, kids & work what a time Iv chosen to do this, i hope it will get better soon
  6. Trying to stay positive is not always easy.

    I decided to go ahead and try for round 3 of applying for disability insurance yesterday. I even took a minute to ask the lady at the desk if there were other programs i could apply for, and she said yes. So i have 2 routes of applying for insurance here, and another request for disabilty applications to be sent to me. I will be completely open this time about my diagnosis'. I have said in the past i would ask my lawyer i used to work for to help me get approved, but ever since the mishap...
  7. A bit improved I think...

    I really want to get totally clean. My most current physically addicted substances have been suboxone for around 2 weeks daily 3-7mg and a moderately strong daily benzo dose for the past few weeks. I did a quick taper on the subs and then went CT off them, haven't had any in a few days. WDs have been moderate - I've continued taking the benzo and some adderall as comfort meds, because I don't want to come off everything at the same time - I think these have helped somewhat - the first few...
  8. Because Reasons

    Today was supposed to be Day 1. I have a book to help me, and this forum to support me. Except I got tired toward the end of the day, people were killed in Vegas, Tom Petty died. I wanted it, and had just enough to tap out of my bullet and grinder for one line. So tomorrow is my Day 1. Right now I am worried about the long-term effects my intermittent-turned-recent-weekly/daily use has done. I'm hoping this tightness in my chest will go away, and my nose will heal. I'm lucky it's still...
  9. Nowadays...

    I have realized that the more into my addiction I get, the more control I think I have, the less I'm able to think clearly or other than the drug. I am still functional but now my need has doubled and last less and less each time. Still not ready though, I have so much fun when I go out with my friends and just hang and smoke, I need this, makes me feel like I'm not such a looser. Perhaps I'll just monitor myself better to lower my intake, that much I'm willing to do.
  10. A new start

    Tomorrow I will be hopefully stopping my usage of heroin. I have made up a new plan, and want to follow through with it. I will keep you posted. My latest attempts did not work, but I guess I wasn't ready. Not something has changed. I am angry at the drug. It's really taking everything away from me.
  11. Love and other disasters in my life

    Today was emotionally abnormally intense, even my co workers asked what`s wrong with me and thought (For the very first time in two years we have been working together), that I am under influence of something, because I acted the way they have never seen me act (Well, they have never seen me while being full on manic). But I have been clean today until evening when we just decided to shoot up. I just needed it because of this emotional mess in my head.And, by the way, to calm my inner hell I...
  12. The Shitty Prelude to a Good Wake Up Call

    I am not going to lie. I thought, not a week ago, that I was facing a full blown Methamphetamine addiction. And I have been honest with myself, and another individual about this. I could see, and they could see, the potential destruction I could be facing ahead. Meth was starting to become a vicious, growing weed in my weed strewn and strangled life. I never thought, and yes, please ignore the ignorant cliche, that I was nearly incapable of any long term addiction. I had reason, evidence,...
  13. Not going too well

    I just can't seem to do it. I try, but I feel like I'm not giving it my all. Yesterday I've managed to wait until I got pretty sick, only to use twice as much as I usually do. What's going on? I have to do this. I'm spending every dime I have on this damn drug. It's slowly killing me. I really feel like I'll be stopping soon. I do mean feeling. I can feel it. But what is it? Am I going to die? Will I drive into a bus? Will some weird, ultra-rare spider or insect bite me? Will some crackhead...
  14. Stupid stuff going on in my life :@

    FML! Just like I would not have enough problems already!Realising that I still love my ex girlfriend with whom I have had on and off relationships for 10 years now is exactly that thing what I needed!!!And that I am not bi, not even straight curious, but, actually a lesbian.And it all happens when I have a family and a husband who loves me to death and to whom I am not only wife, but the one and only true friend as well. I feel so bad and so sorry... All it took was her to come over, comfort...
  15. Olanzapine Withdrawal Continued....

    Well it's Sunday and I still feel skewy, I keep yawning all the time and concentration wise it's just not happening. I'm sleeping because of my other meds and Pregablin is keeping the anxiety at bay. Back to work tomorrow so I have to be functional, god it's gonna be a busy day ugh ! Not much to say but ugh !
  16. No longer counting hours

    So I'm at day 5ish maybe going on day 6. I've lost track after I made 100 hours. So things are looking up. I had become a total slob while on the pills. My room looked like something out of Hoarders. Today i very energetically cleaned my entire room (3 huge trash bags thrown out), bleached the bathroom from floor to ceiling, swept and mopped the stairs and hallway and did 3 huge loads of laundry. For me with my physical limitation, that was a lot and I'll be in a lot of pain later. I...
  17. Today...just breathe...and come up with a plan

    It's days like this I want to write a book. I'm laying here high as hell. Thinking of everything I do wrong. And searching the internet wondering if you can stop using crack alone. Last night was the first time I thought maybe my kids know. I'm actually getting scared. Keep thinking of all the things I should be doing, want to do, and the reasons I haven't. I think about all the money I spend, I could take my kids out every weekend to do stuff. I just don't know how to stop, everyday I say...
  18. Olanzapine Withdrawal

    Yesterday there was a chink of sunshine as I woke up feeling half human then I got a call to say my 12 year old son was having problems, he spent yesterday in hospital having done something dumb, no need to go into the why and wherefore but I had an awful day full of anxiety over that and for some reason it's really triggered off more withdrawal from this bloody awful drug. Ugh I feel so crappy, my head is busting, I keep yawning and puffing and panting and I am not my usual self at all,...
  19. 84 hours

    Took sinus medication last night that had a sleep aid in it called doxylamine succinate. It works. Ive heard many people say it's the only one that was OTC and didnt cause restless leg. I would try a small fose at first just in case. My temperature hasn't been above 99.5 so thats getting better. I left the house for the first time today but sttill feel under the weather. This is more than likely illness related and not withdrawal. Also still wake up to excruciating stomach pains but they...
  20. Goodbye diazepam!

    After shaking off the terrible oxycodone habit I had, I'm now 4 months off diazepam as well. People always say benzodiazepine withdrawals are the hardest out there and unbearable, but with a taper it's doable. I especially wanted to write this down for those struggling with benzodiazepine addiction and encourage them not to give up on giving up :) My habit was average-ish I guess: 40 mg/day for about 6 years. With the help of professionals I went down from 40 mg/day to zero in 4 weeks. The...
  21. 72 hours

    Got some daytime and night time sinus medication. Worked great. Very little drainage now although i still cannot breathe through my nose. Slight leg pain and pretty bad back pain, but not bad enough to get me down. Made breakfast, lunch and dinner for the family with no issue. I haven't vomited although almost did the other night. I feel pretty normal. Luckily i havent had too much insomnia or rls (knock on wood). Did I mention how i tapered? I made little paper envelopes and cut my daily...
  22. 60 hours

    Feel alive. Lots of sinus drainage and hardly have a voice, hot tea with lemon, hot steamy shower and muscle rub on chest and back and I feel functional. Even my sinus pain is going away. My parents are picking up some day/night sinus medication for me. Taking it easy today. Still plan on exercising later, i know it helps.
  23. 58 hours

    Worst night by far. Slept, but woke every few hours. Horrible sinus pain, horrible stomach pain, and a tickle in my throat that kept making me cough/have trouble swallowing. I ate a small piece of chocolate and that seemed to kinda coat my throat enough that the tickle stopped. Cant stand this head pain. Nothing helps.
  24. Going to bed

    Going to bed is going to tomorrow. It's not something I look forward to. I am however looking forward to looking forward to it. Off I go. Will tomorrow be the same old thing? I hope not. I've tried something new today, and it might help. I really don't have much to write on this one. A journal should be about what's on my mind. Now I'm just filling in.
  25. Not too sure what to do...

    Well, I have to go to court on Friday. I want to quit this wrenched drug, but I'd like to feel sorta normal in court. I'm not too sure how to go abouts this all. Maybe it's once again an excuse I am giving myself to use. I don't know. I would be on day 2, so pretty much the worst day of my withdrawal. Can I still tr to get it passed as a bad cold, or the flu? I am pretty confused. Round and round it goes. Where it'll stop, I already know :(
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