Journals

Support Fellow Members in Recovery

  1. If you scratch my back now I swear I...A personal struggle with addiction - Part 11

    Second day 20mg methadone. Back to fuckin´square one. Horrible. But now I have decided: I´m gonna get rid of my demons. I can´t fail again. I know it´s easy to say this after only two days and with the methadone molecules jumping all over your synapsys. The hard part will come in a couple of days. Or maybe tomorrow. I just don´t want tothink about it. Hey listen to this ! The radio is playng an old song that seems written about someone I know. It says: "...have you heard about the lonsome...
  2. If you scratch my back now I swear I...A personal struggle with addiction - Part 10

    Oh I forgot , I´m sorry to hear about the green tea , but why do you drink that crap? Why not swiching to J&B ´n ice? Or whatever you drink in the land of the free? Jack Daniels orFour Roses, may do so long. "There is a fair behaviour in thee - And tho that nature with beauteous walls - does oft close in pollution - Yet of thee I belive thou hast a mind - Wich suits with this Thy fair & outward character.." ( Shakespeare "XII night")
  3. If you scratch my back now I swear I...A personal struggle with addiction - Part 9

    MrFinger you know what you ´re talking about. If somebody exist who feels that he works better under the effect of opiates, well , I can only pity him.He will never stop. Heknows what his end will be. When I look back at what I produced with the help of the needle I can see how untrue, artificial, unfelt it all sounds. It´s not so much that it´s badly made, as much as I can see in it the cheap tricks of the trade,the recycled feelings, the impressive, shining sovrastructure lacking any...
  4. If you scratch my back now I swear I...A personal struggle with addiction - Part 8

    Thanks guys. You are right. It´s not really for others that I MUST give up , it´s because I don´t want my daughter to grow up to find out that her daddy is an addict. I dont want my wife to loose the respect that incredibly , she still has for me. So I guess ,basically , I do it for myself after all. Jeez , I´m even more selfish than I thought. When my saintly wife notices that I look wasted , I always tell her that I took some benzodiazepines (Valium usually) to sleep or because I was...
  5. If you scratch my back now I swear I...A personal struggle with addiction - Part 7

    It´s terrible. I really am a spineless scumbag. I´m so ashamed . I´m even ashamed to tell this to you guys who have been so umbelivebely nice to me. Yes. I collapsed. Twin Towers style. Hit by something much more powerful than a 747. What´s left is a pile of ruins and a big gaping , smoking hole where once there was my heart. Something frighteningly powerful took control of me and drove me to those dreaded haunts I swore to forgo just moments before. I jumped into my car tryng not to think...
  6. If you scratch my back now I swear I...A personal struggle with addiction - Part 6

    10th day. 7,5 mg methadone. Misery. Nervousness. And specially boredom. That´s it. I´m outta here. Today my wife drove to her parents. She took my baby with her; unknowningly depriving me of my main source of strenght. I keep finding a lot of seemingly excellent excuses for my pityful weakness. I´m home alone with the cleaning woman. A most annoyng little tamil whose name is Cita, like Tarzan´s monkey. And she looks the part too. She barges into my office and starts dusting the shelfs of my...
  7. If you scratch my back now I swear I...A personal struggle with addiction - Part 5

    Oh yes, yes it´s really helping an umbeliveble lot. Really it is surprising. I´m sure whithout you folks I´d never have managed to keep my mind busy all this time. The book I´m reading is very intresting( F. Argaud "On the origin of peoples") but I can´t stick to it for more than half a page. Strange because books helped me a lot in other detoxings. My guitar and my sax sound strange; and weird to the touch. And really I don´t know anybody I can talk to. Not about this anyway. My sweet...
  8. If you scratch my back now I swear I...A personal struggle with addiction - Part 4

    MrFinger my honest and heartfelt congratulations. 4 months off the stuff really is an achievement. And thanks a lot for the advice; but, you see this is not the first time I kiked the habit. Hell in more then 25 years of on and off relation with sister H I really can´t remember how many times i kiked the bitch. I did it with methadone , I did it whithout, I did it with pills, with morphine , with long trips oversea. I did it cold turkey , raw turkey ,sick turkey I fucked the turkey. The only...
  9. If you scratch my back now I swear I...A personal struggle with addiction - Part 3

    WOW cool down guys. As the black torpedo in Pulp Fiction says "let´s be like Fonzie. And how´s Fonzie?" You dont have to apologize man. Any experience with getting rid of any addiction has my greatest respect. Somehow I think is not so much the substance you are addicted to that makes it harder or easier as he toughness of your neurons , and mine right now seem have the consistency of rotten jello. Probably somewhere there is somebody going through hell to brake his liquerice...
  10. If you scratch my back now I swear I...A personal struggle with addiction - Part 2

    Thanx Apradavra I apreciate it well I´m still here. 9th day. I never spent so much time on line before and I start to have the feeling that the monitor would like to spit in my face. I have´nt been out in a week and I´m sure that look in my dog´s eyes means he is pityng me. He scratches the door to be let out and before going about his doggie business, he looks back at me as to say :" Ain´t ya comin´man? c´m on get a grip on you" and off he goes. The fucker. I´m down to 10mg, but today is...
  11. If you scratch my back now I swear I...A personal struggle with addiction - Part 1

    [This thread was started before the self-incrimination rule. Please don't bad rep posters for self-incrimination. I have decided to leave this thread intact for historical interest too. There are some posts not indicative of what we expect from people here. Despite that this is a fantastic thread! - Dickon] It´s my 8th day off the stuff . Nothing to be very proud of though since I´ve been helping myself with liberal dosis of methadone. I´ve started with 80 mg. and now I´m down to 12,5 and...
  12. Saying goodbye to methaphetamine - Part 1

    I have just decided the new path I am going to take with meth......QUITTING! Here are the oh so great sketchy qualities I will miss in one sick way or another: -being able to watch the sun fall and rise every day! (but only ever through a crack in the pulled down blind in out of) -feeling the need to keep my little guy lathered in lube 24hrs a day since thats about how often I had to be playing with him. -Having every knob, keyboard, phone, etc. also lubed cause im interupted...
  13. i have to quit cocaine - Part 7

    Hello everyone.. thought i would let yall know how i am, since i only pop in here on my good days.. well i am finally on some meds, i am on risperdal and tonight is the 3rd night and i am already feeling better (dr put me on these to start cause it doesnt take weeks to kick in, it has almost imediate results)... so i am on my way back to me.. yae!! OK, and i am still clean, i no longer want or crave anything.. I have had the chance and said no, i am not willing to do anything that will mess...
  14. i have to quit cocaine - Part 6

    Good Afternoon everyone! Alot has been going on, i have been going to therapy twice a week for the last 2 or so weeks because the problems that i was having in nov and dec are still here and i am still having very very good days and then very very bad dark hopeless days. but finally through all of this i have made some head way.. at the moment i have been diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder with rapid cycling. With the rapid cycling i go from very low and not talkative at all and not...
  15. i have to quit cocaine - Part 5

    Hello everyone.. i am still clean,i am now just battling the demons in my head.. i am having a hard time thinking and just feeling like me on a daily basis. i havent wrote in, because nothing that i used to love, care about or enjoy really matters anymore.. i feel like i am lost and i cant be found.. but today is a little better, *see i am on the computer at least today*.. i think that everyday is going to be a struggle till i get better and i have to be willing to struggle. i felt as if i...
  16. i have to quit cocaine - Part 4

    Hello everyone.. i am so glad to be "back".. two weeks ago my Dr. put me on Zoloft, and that being an SSRI..it has rare adverse side effects of depersonalization, memory loss, blurry vision and for me it was a total loss of myself.. tues everything went crazy for me i was having trouble remembering my kids, or my mom, or how i used to be.. i couldnt even change my voice mail, cause i couldnt remember how i normally sounded.. well by wed i went completly off my rocker, i was hallucinating and...
  17. i have to quit cocaine - Part 3

    Thanks again, i havent done anything since mon, i feel alot better today, it was one of the first days in a long while that i got up and did the things i needed to do.. tonight i am taking the kids and spending the night with my mom, just so i wont be at home bored and be tempted to go to a bar, i think i need to stay out of the bar scene for awhile.. i still think about it, the other night my ex and i got in a fight, and more than anything did i want to call my "friend" and get something...
  18. i have to quit cocaine - Part 2

    Thanks for all the positive replys... today is the first day that i havent been on anything, my head seems clearer. hopefully i really am over it, and i can get past this. i told my "friend" not to call me and ask if i wanted some more, or not to offer it to me at all, and that i am staying away from places that i know i can get it.. so today is the first day for the new me.. thanks again, but damn i miss the taste, the numbness and the feeling.. i hear that it is only bad for like 3 days.....
  19. i have to quit cocaine - Part 1

    i am new here, but i have been lurking for a while... i have a little left of my last 8 ball and when it is done i am not buying anymore and i am not going anywhere where i can get it.. i have just a hard time giving this shit up, when i stop for a few days i can do nothing but sleep and i feel like hell and really depressed.. i have no choice i hate that this has control of me like this and i have to quit for my own good.. thanks for letting me vent, i feel better just letting someone know...
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