Journals

  1. You are perfect. I am not.

    I have been with my husband for 10 years, tomorrow is our 6th wedding anniversary. After being reaquainted with meth at my friends hens night in 2014, I began actively seeking the drug out. I found out a couple of my colleagues were users too, and we would chip in so we could get bigger amounts. It was pretty fun for about the first 12 months. My husband had no idea. No one at work besides the two others users had any clue. My friends didn't know. I had the whole double life thing happening....
  2. So, I'm starting a business..

    Yep, it's official. My application for ABN was approved two days ago. I'm officially a sole trading business owner. My little dog walking and house sitting hobby has slowly gathered some interest. While I've been out of work, I decided to put some effort and time in to get registered, insured and official so I can further develop it as it grows and then return to part time work in a couple of months. I've already secured a couple of decent bookings too, for housesitting this month and...
  3. A brief rundown of how I got to where I am today

    I feel like in order to understand why I am on this quest for freedom from drug addiction, i need to provide a bit of back story, my drug history. As I mentioned in my previous entry, I first tried meth at 17, while pregnant with my second child. Yes...you read that right...17, pregnant for the second time and smoking meth. Its been 15 years since that night. If I could go back and chat to 17 year old me, I would tell her - You're going to lose your baby at 22 weeks gestation, and forever...
  4. No time to procrastinate

    In about a half hour I’m going on buprenorphine again. My flight leaves at 1 pm today and I decided against the recklessness of trying to sneak 2 grams of heroin past security, or mailing a package to a friend without him knowing what’s inside. I guess I could have gone cold turkey but I have the prescription and I’m not ready to face five days of withdrawal. But perhaps this marks the end of my addiction. Maybe when I return from vacation I can go back to the doctor and get on a tapering...
  5. I do spiral

    I know detox fuckin with my mind, but now the day draws to a close and night settles in, stars poppin out, quiet, killer heat is over, depression comin over me, dull, no real desire to use, no desire at all for anything, or anybody, inertia, music in the background brings memories, certain songs just cut to the very bone ya know, turn the shit off, silence fitting for this state of mind, this low place I go Pre-dawn darkness black coffee cigarettes solitude best part of my day, dread...
  6. Today the judge said "congratulations is there anything else we can do for you"?

    Today I woke up in the morning with a familiar feeling, FEAR, but I actually had a reason today for that. I had to attend court for a marchmen act violation. About 5 months ago my family filed a marchmen act on me because I was going through long episodes of meth pyhscosis. I mean was literally living in the spirit realm with extreme fear. I also and to this day believe my trailer was being taken over by rats and some kind of wild cats who looked like they were a mix of possums and...
  7. I have no more sanctuary...triggers abound...:(

    I am very agitated and cravings are high! My best friend whom I been estranged from for over a year showed up today. I was so happy to see her..Over the year she had hit rock bottom. DHS fully emerged in her life now. Her addictions and mental health spiraled out of control. She is dhs ordered suboxone treatment with two drops a week. She still sneaks in the occasional dope. But mostly she has become a meth addict. She learned she could use that on weekends and be good for testing :(. She's...
  8. I was going to quit, but then I got high

    I was 17 and pregnant with my 2nd child when my friend's cousin handed me a glass pipe. The rest of this episode was memorable, for many of the euphoric reasons associated with first-time meth use. And so began my love-hate relationship with Meth.
  9. Like a bear in hybernation I slept...

    Wow...trying to wake up and remember the last 24 or so hours. After my hypertension crisis was over I became so exhausted as I always do ( one time sleeping over 24 hours straight) I just kinda passed out. Woke up not to long ago. Confused, still tired, and realizing that I hadn't used the rest room at all yesterday since first falling asleep. I did wake once that I can remember to find my boyfriend home from work(apparently he took day off to watch over me). I remember checking in on here...
  10. Back again/clean slate

    Hey DF community,. It's been five months clean today. I decided to open a new journal to my new journey today. Quitting meth for me has been the best decision I have made in years. Probably the only good one in years! . Iwas also using pretty much everything and anything I can get to shoot up or smoke. (But I'm not going to elaborate on what kind of other drugs I struggled with as well in this entry). Some of you guys might know me as 23scarecrows as old other name on DF....
  11. New plans and goals...

    I had a medical emergency for those of you who didn't know. I went into hypertension crisis my blood pressure was 270\125 and my skin was all purple lacy blotches. I have been trying to detox from suboxone and benzodiazepines at the same time just cold turkey. Well yesterday taught me a valuable lesson. I'm trying to get totally clean for the first time since late middle school years. And YES I still want to and will. The lesson I learned was I can't kill myself doing it..no matter how...
  12. 3 days in... ‘18

    I feel akin to a black hole Everything that touches me, shatters Drawn into my orbit, I obliterate everything around me. I am destruction incarnate, even quarks, obliterate. I am a typhoon, a tsunami, a tornado. I rip sinew from flesh and it evaporates like magic. I am the reckoning, the final solution. My boric acid fingers touch, only to dissolve. Like quicklime, bones dissolve in the wake of me. I destroy everything.
  13. For Caroline, wherever you are

    Caroline (2009) ‎I have a crush on this girl... she's like nothing, like no one else. She's a hooker, low down, broken but so hopeful. Her eyes tell constantly that she aspires to the whole world... she's older than me but it doesn't count... Sometimes she comes through, but mostly her eyes bleed her need. I want to fix the constant strain in her, the stress to be someone substantial to someone, all the time. I'm gonna fuck it up. Count with me... 3,2,1 I always do. Sabotage? Its more...
  14. I had a set back that could not be avoided...

    I have had mostly uncontrolled hypertension for 27 years. For this I take. Zestril 20mg 2x daily. Norvasc 2.5mgs 1x daily. Lasix 40mg 1x daily. Toprol XL 100mgs 2x daily. And for support med coming off the suboxone clonidine 0.1mgs 4 times daily. I also have my nitroglycerin if things start to go south as I have angina. Just a while ago my blood pressure skyrocketed to very dangerous levels. And before I took myself off in medcu..I knowing so much about this disease called my benzo friend...
  15. Lately my sobreity has been tested. But I remain forever faithful for this could be my last chance...

    Funny (not) how our emotions scream around in our heads as we try to get clean. Then we are tested time and time again in our commitment to recovery! People no matter how isolated I try to be..well they find me:( My boyfriend's doing dope and drinking. My drunk ass neighbor sees me in my kitchen trying to whip up some substance for me and the family. She comes barging in to MY sanctuary. You need some benzos..come have a drink with us..oh you look fine..you bitch look at that flat stomach...
  16. Good Drug/Bad Drug

    Interview went well, I think. Apparently compounding is taught in very few pharmacy schools, at least, to very few classes graduating this millennium. So when I mentioned making cocoa butter suppositories in my 2nd year, the interviewer was impressed that I even knew they used to be made with cocoa butter. God, I hope she's not reading this and putting 2 and 2 together. Cocoa butter is an obnoxious and tricky substance to work with. If it goes above a certain temperature not far above...
  17. Knocked myself out for almost 9 hours this am whoop whoop.......

    I woke up reaching for phone to check the time thinking I had slept the usual 1 to 3 hours, and was blown out of the water to see it had been almost 9 hours! I did take a double dose of Nyquil,and my muscle relaxers as the restless legs were driving me insane! I wanted to use honestly. But I chose not to. Not today. Not this hour. Not this minute.... So as shitty as I feel physically I'm feeling pretty stoked for getting that much rest as that's when our brains start to heal. Right? I'm...
  18. Not trying to start a record here!!!

    I need to keep myself out of my head so it helps me tremendously to come here, read, and post! Plus I start to panic when I can't remember how long I've been off suboxone and benzodiazepines. I have to take one hour at a time. That being said.. it's been 85 hours since last suboxone and 25 hours since last benzodiazepines! Omg I'm doing it! And breathe.... My pain levels are off the charts.. Withdrawals are about the same as I last posted except when I try to put phone down..my anxiety...
  19. Trying to be kinder to self today!

    So I am no longer kicking my self in the ass over doing that Xanax yesterday.. I am not perfect. Shit happens..we pick ourselves up and keep trudging along. I was concerned it may set me back but I don't believe it did. I am feeling pretty darn panicky but I think that's the suboxone withdrawals. I want to believe I am starting to peak as I feel so much worse today. But there's somethings that are just not really happening that I expecting so maybe I'm not quite there yet. Or could it be...
  20. 7 days no alcohol.

    Well I can honestly say I'm feeling proud of myself but I'm feeling like death warmed up. Don't know if it's related but I am full of mucus (sorry) and my head feels like it will explode. Sore throat etc etc. Probably a virus I picked up at work but it's a humdinger so I wonder if my body is also clearing out some crap. Dunno. I was hoping for a better reward for abstaining lol. I honestly don't feel any better for not drinking apart from the little "yay" I get when I wake up and know I...
  21. I had a set back..and kicking myself in the butt!

    I did some thing stupid! By boyfriend brought home a Xanax and put it right in my hand. I looking at that blue football shape pill for about 10 mins before I popped it in my mouth. Am so disappoint in myself and high to boot(I don't like Xanax). Everything is in slow motion and is making me feel worse! I tell myself at least it's fast acting and leaves your body a lot faster than klonipins. I wonder how much this is going to set me back? I begged him although he probably meant well,...
  22. Feel pretty dumbed down...grrrr!!!!

    I am feeling a bit of rage as I am unable to communicate with others as I normally would! Is this really what I'm going to be left with after years and years of substance abuse??? Someone say it isn't so... It is very scarey then turns to anger when I can't get out what I am feeling in my heart! I feel locked up..isolated..alone..and scared shitless. I read people's comments or threads and I go to respond with all this energy than two words in I can't remember what I wanted to say..how to...
  23. This here is some crazy sh_ _!!!!

    The withdrawals keep getting stronger as I lay here in disgusting pool of my own sweat! I can no longer tell if the withdrawals are from the benzodiazepines or from the suboxone. And really... does it even matter at this point? Nooo! This is my first rodeo coming off subs. Was holding steady on 2mgs a day when source dried up. Monday at 7am I took 1mg and jumped. To be honest I have 1and half 8mg tabs left just in case I things spin too out of control. They are calling my name but I'm not...
  24. Back in the saddle...

    So I fell off the far edge of the world yesterday. But I’m back and newly improved. Talked to my man, and all is well. It was my own willful ego that caused the tumult in the first place. This poor guy. I am a lot to handle. When hurt, I lash out and hurt 10 times worse. I need to tamp that down and be more reasonable. I was cruel and awful to him. He is a good man and didn’t deserve that. I’m lucky he stuck around, so I can fix it. I love him with my entire being. I don’t want to lose him....
  25. Another one bites the dust...

    The number of true friends I have is less than what I can count on one hand. The hardest part is that one lives in Melbourne now and has for a number of years. We rode and competed our horses together since we were about 12 but I might see her once a year now, if that. It's almost 2 years since I saw her last. The other close girlfriend I have I truly am really blessed to have her. She doesn't know about my addiction although I've always openly admitted my party days and fair share of drug...
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