Journals

  1. I need people to talk to

    here I am again! I relapse about every month or two it seems! Why can’t I stop this? I’m so sick of it!!!! I want my old life back. But the lack of energy and not sleeping keeps getting me!!! I have a two year old to take care of. I need advice and a friend!
  2. Getting more fucked up every day

    Recurrent memories of my manic episode in April, my boss who sent me home and fired me because of some mis-communication, a neighbor complaining if I can ask my cat not to shit in his garden wtf... I am sweating and shaking because of the chronic stress. A while ago I deliberately used mdmd at home to revoque one of those memories to try to look at it without the rage that usually comes up. It seemed to have worked although there is much more work. I quit all medications since january...
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  3. Things that would be worse than how I feel right now:

    In the spirit of being an optimist, here are ten things way worse than waiting a few hours for a dose cuz I'm stuck with family, celebrating a holiday I don't believe in: 1-a garden hose colonoscopy 2-being crushed by a falling piano 3-the world running out of black eyeliner 4- finding out the guy you like has a tiny dick 5-running out of gas in freezing weather 6-getting fat 7-getting disfigured in an awful accident 8-cancer would suck 9-if there was no more fast food 10-if...
  4. Good bye 2018

    So, what did this year bring to me? 12 pounds I can't lose since quitting. 11 hours waiting for suboxone from a friend before I gave up and went to a suboxone clinic. 10 giant needles I shouldn't have ordered online and couldn't use during my "vacations" from being clean. 9 visits to shrinks to try to drop a borderline personality diagnosis. 8 meds to treat said diagnosis. 7 times the dog missed the grass and pissed on me; I was so happy to be outside and not in jail I didn't care. 6...
  5. Is it Just Me?

    I went to the doctors this week and got a prescription for ativan. I really dont miss the experience of having to see an overpaid drug dealer. Recently Ive been trying more and more to put myself out there and get busy with life and have found it difficult. I just really dont care about most of the things in my life. And I think, Is it me? I turn on TV and look for books to read and I keep coming up short. There was a time when I had people in my life filling me with interesting...
  6. Defining Recovery

    During an interview recently, I was asked what recovery means to me. My answer: "Moving towards one's self defined long term goals in light of one's self defined values". Applied to myself then, what are my values? I've been doing values work for over two years now. Helpfulness, actually helping others Religion, in particular religious experience, although understanding religion broadly as well Peace, in my internal experience, in my relations and in my environment Connection, to friends,...
  7. Reasons to Quit. Excuses to Use

    Reasons to quit meth: Don't get that intense high/euphoria anymore Deteriorating health and nutritional deficiencies Starting to consume my day to day life The longer I continue to use, the harder quitting will be... and I have to quit one day Wasting too much money for emptiness. Plus not working full time so really cannot afford to continue and I've already thrown away $4000 of my savings, if I don't cut the shit out I'll have nothing to fall back on. Isolating myself from life outside....
  8. Taming the Devil Inside

    Under the influence, I find it ridiculously easy to slip into living and going about my day to day activities in a semi-conscious state. As though I'm here but not here. I'm listening but I'm not listening. Thinking but not thinking. I can't work out how I get into this state, I've found that if I take a short time-out and close my eyes and focus on a brief breath meditation, it really helps me rebalance and I feel present physically and mentally once again. I've noticed that when I'm in...
  9. Can stay off of ketamine, developed a cannabis habit though :(

    Since that terrible episode in april im smoking more and more cannabis. I started smoking to come down from the mania and to help with sleep, which worked well in the beginning. But now I hardly get stoned anymore but I keep on smoking more and more... already went to doctor, he forwarded me to addiction treatment center. Ketamine I hardly use anymore. I still have very vivid dreams on it, even in sub-anaestetic dosages but I have seen what I needed to see I guess.
  10. Life truly is awesome

    Well it's been 7 months yesterday on the 17th Dec that I've been clean. Woo hoo. Life is awesome. I love my job, I love my friends, I love my parrot, I love my life. Who would have thought? My life has turned completely around and all for the better. I'm finally dealing with events in my life clean. Whereas usually I would use. Last month on the 18th November was the very first anniversary of one of my son's deaths in 13 years that I dealt with clean!!! Now this is something I could never...
  11. Meth or Mental Illness - Who's to Blame?

    After publishing my last and also maiden journal entry, I shut down my laptop, packed a couple of cones for the usual nightcap and quickly drifted off into slumber. I woke the next day late, very late but that didn't particularly matter as work wasn't until later in the evening and I had no priorities or commitments requiring my presence. Nothing significant anyway, sure I had small, mundane things to get done but as a procrastinating meth user would, I pushed them aside to deal with...
  12. Sitting Alone at Home

    It's been a bit Decided not to keep taking classes. I have one last exam, then going to try and become a peer support specialist. I have an interview tomorrow for training and certification. Have a lot of time now and keep thinking about smoking weed, contemplating picking up some kratom. Essentially I feel a goal of reducing desire, fun, and less boredom. I had a thought the other night that if you've seen the face of God, it is on a certian level hard to be totally fulfilled with mundane...
  13. Quitting marijuana days 38-42

    Things are started to get better, it’s still not easy but I am seeing improvements and so are my friends/family. I had a big test yesterday as I went to start my car in the morning and the battery had totally gone, it wouldn’t start, I had lots of plans but had to wait for 2 hours for a recovery truck to turn up, then it would jump start but the battery was totally finished (lasted ten years) I had to go to a garage and spend quite a bit getting a new battery, the good thing is I kept my...
  14. When the Realisations Hits

    As I sit here typing this entry, it is 1:30am and I'm starting to feel slight frustration and disappointment in myself.. By now I would have liked to have completed or be almost finished my nightly routine before getting into bed - stretches, breath work, mental scan of a rough plan for next day's activities and commitments and journalling or some sort of personal development work to wrap it up. Yet I find myself once more scrambling around to just do one activity, my priority - stretch and...
  15. 9 months clean after high dose, cold turkey subutex/suboxone. My final monthly update!

    I'm 285 days clean and I'd say I'm pretty much back to normal. As I mentioned before, I'm having to learn what normal is after years of dependency but I'd say im there. Time to rate myself at 100% Thank you all for your support, your friendship and how you seemed to truly care for a stranger you've never met. It's time to start scaling these entries back to every few months and I will likely just be posting to check on the friends I've made here. If you havent read my story, you can do so...
  16. Today was average

    Every day it seems now that I am highly depressed, mentally broken, not wanting to go on, trying to understand why I continue to hurt my family. I look in my children's eyes and I beg myself to let that be enough for me to stop, to forget this evil disasterious life that I have created. My kids do not deserve this, my husband does not deserve this, my mom doesn't deserve to see her child in such a mess. But then I reason with myself, yet again, that if I can just be a good person, that it...
  17. And I thought, “what makes me not want to use?”

    Well in short, battles with the insurance company and a delayed shipment of the actual medication made me go without zubsolv (buprenorphine) today. So all day I’ve been feeling off. It’s not like heroin withdrawals, in which you think you might actually be dying (that’s my experience at least), buprenorphine withdrawal is more protracted and tortuous. That’s after a several days. Today, like I said, just a little off. But it caused me to pause and question my motives. What makes me not want...
  18. Quitting marijuana days 32-37

    Well it’s been a tough few days with one good day in the mix since I last posted in my journal. While I’m writing this I’m having a crappy day where I feel terrible so I guess that might influence this entry a bit. My emotions feel all over the place, anxiety/depression/paranoia seem to dominate most of my days. I just feel so spaced out a lot of the time like I am in a trance, I can tell my brain has took a huge battering from those 9 years of heavily smoking pot, my mind just feels...
  19. A trip to the ketamine clinic

    so drug treatment has been going really well. Other aspects of life, not so great. They actually caught me crying at work last week. And I’m not a guy who cries all the time or anything. Can’t even remember the last time I cried, it’s been months or years, but it’s just that I need a job and I really want to do well at this job and they treat me like an animal. Worse than an animal, what am I saying — people love their animals! So since then it’s been all suicidal, all the time, one track...
  20. This is going really well (but I don’t want to count my chickens)

    The higher dose of buprenorphine is a big success. It took a few days, maybe a full week, but I have no opioid cravings or really any cravings at all. This was the right choice, and to think I was prepared to talk my NP (nurse practitioner) into going back to the smaller dose. The request for prior authorization was received by the clinic and submitted to my insurance company; the clinic called to say I should hear something by Friday. I just hope it goes through. If it doesn’t though I’m...
  21. Take 5 story

    This is my story in Take 5 magazine that came out today. I hope to inspire others to turn their life around for the better. It is possible to get clean and stay clean if one wants to. No going backwards for me as it would only be self defeating. Its onwards and upwards for me. To make sure I have no issues at my new job I took this magazine into my workplace this morning and showed my employer and told him some of my history so now they know and are fine with it. They are only worried about...
  22. Quitting Marijuana days 25-31

    Have to be honest and say most of these days I’ve felt like my brain is so lethargic, feel like a lost sad feeling, I’ve had some moments (like few hours) where I have felt more positive, more energy and better but overall it has been tough. I feel I over think every little thing, I’m quite anxious and paranoid, plus my sleep is still not good but I would say it’s improved slightly, I get 5-6 hours sleep. I seen the doctors today and bloody hell the doctor I seen was difficult, he really did...
  23. Trips to see care providers

    Visited the psychiatrist yesterday and the risperidone is out. He hates the stuff and is always looking for a way to get me off of it. Our excuse was that it was just ineffective. In place of the risperidone, more quetiapine. I’m already on 400 mg BID scheduled; the addition is 200 mg QID PRN, with Haldol 5 mg if I can’t bring myself to take another quetiapine due to sedation. I was hoping he would prescribe me modifinil for Monday mornings when I get only 4 hours of sleep, it was...
  24. 1 year sober

    hey everyone! I used to support others very often through out my recovery. I was somewhere 300-400 mg of oxy. Life gets better being free from the chains, I promise. To everyone who is going through withdrawals, it gets better everyday slowly. What I would’ve done differently, was have a better support system. My ex girlfriend helped me through the whole deal. Ruined my business and let my physical health go. Pushed her away and caused problems, because of my paws. And now we split up...
  25. It’s nighttime and I feel cravings!

    Nighttime is when most of my drug use happened. I would get off work at midnight and drive to the city to score. So when it’s night I automatically think of using. The buprenorphine helps a lot with the cravings — what is it about getting high that appeals to me? I was even thinking I’d take some marijuana, and I really don’t like marijuana. I think it must be, well, one of the things it must be, that I want to escape how I am feeling now. How am I feeling? Let me say I am feeling...
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