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Recovery Journal Entries

Drug Addiction Support

  1. Ride it out

    Thank you. I thought I was going to be fine but ive been up and down like a bloody yo yo this past 3 or more weeks and the doc upped my dose (elaxine 37.5 to elaxine 75) but i dont think theyre doing anything which ive been told they most likely wont help if its Bipolar i have. But im over the mood swings its doing my head in but im determined not to use again so its just a matter of riding it out i guess till my psychologist and my doctor and my drug counsellor can all agree lol. I just...
  2. 44 hours -significant moment

    For the first time since going cold turkey, im alone in the house with pills available. Not going to touch them. Instead I'm going to exercise a bit. My normal routine would be to watch the car leave and then run up and grab a few. I bet they would make me feel better right now. I have a low grade temp, my sinuses are draining constantly. It feels like kathy bates came over with her hammer to my knees and ankles. You know what else will make me feel even better? Not taking a pill.. not even...
  3. This ones for you, toots

    For the past 7 months I have been seeing somebody else. Her name is heroin. At first you did not really understand her, and how she could take up so much room, so you let me do my thing. You always knew me as a guy who controlled my drug use, and you were not very threatened by her. You started to notice something was off when I said I would quit, and didn't. 2 months after that, I took your credit card an withdrew some money without you knowing. Alarm bells really started to ring then....
  4. Ugh Olanzapine Withdrawal

    I knew I'd be a bit skewy for a few days, I just wasn't prepared to feel quite as skewy as this. Don't get me wrong this is nothing compared with the withdrawals I felt from codeine but after feeling great for a bit now it was like a kick in the nuts to wake up feeling like this. I'm not craving the drug or anything like that I just feel off sorts, not quite myself and all distracted, work was a pain today, couldn't concentrate at all I bet if I didn't take pregablin I'd be anxious and if...
  5. 40 hours

    Feels like a sinus infection, throbbing head, painful face, congested yet sinuses are running like crazy. A little tired but i dont feel that bad. A lot of sites said 36-48 hours is the peak of short acting opiates. Ive also heard some say 72 hours. Tonight i will be past 48 and im certain i can make it to 72 tomorrow night. Im also not really craving, but i do have dreams about the pills. -
  6. A bit before I have to leave

    Must post to the internet to reveal some of myself. I have been reading other people's entries and found them interesting. I joined over a year ago so I think it's time to contribute, and it might help to have somewhere where I feel I can be honest. I have been addicted/dependant on alcohol, codeine and modafinil and have been on many different antidepressants. Also tried some other Nootropics. Have a history of eating disorders and have been diagnosed with major depression. Have managed...
  7. Turning into a monster every morning

    Every morning I wake up and I am a monster. I spend 5 minutes thinking about me quitting heroin, then the cravings set in. At that point I am mostly thinking of ways to get money. Who can I borrow from today? What can I pawn today? Is there someway I can scrounge up that $30 I need for a baggy of heroin. The excuses are always so easy to find. One last one because my buzz wasn't that good yesterday. I'm sad because of X reason, so today I am allowed to use. I still have new needles left;...
  8. 22 hours in.

    I have a sore throat, might be from sinus drainage, a low grade fever 99.3 to 100.3 and feel like crap. I dont know what to do. I think im going to take some motrin, flexeril, a warm (not too warm) bath and try to get some sleep. Either all my symptoms are wd or I am sick on top of it (my daughter is getting sick too) if I feel this bad tomorrow I will get checked out just in case i have a chest infection (my asthma is bothering me) last year I had pneumonia on top of wd from pers... always...
  9. In the beginning...

    Not sure what to say, that I'm disappointed at myself for putting me in this position? Perhaps not, just a bit sad that I made some choices that have brought me to this point. I have never touched a drug in my life, I stayed away from anyone who was and yet here I am, with a pipe and a stash of my own. For a while I felt it was different because I could make the choice, I wasn't addicted, I was just choosing to have fun and could stop anytime I wanted. For a while it seemed I was right, I...
  10. Contemplation

    So, I have been a frequent follower of the DF community for many years throughout my addiction to H, cheering at the sidelines as I read success stories, empathizing with the users who, like me, try to quit but don't quite make it, and avidly keeping up to date on the latest detox info in the hope that I will find some magic cure! But have never registered or posted, until now. I've been doing this pretty much on my own and I'm starting to see that I desperately need some support, some...
  11. The Last Olanzapine

    Today is my last day of taking Olanzapine, Iv got one Tablet left to take tonight then when I go see the Dr tomorrow he will officially take me off them. I don't know what to expect really, Iv tapered down from 20mg without much bother, the drop down a couple of weeks ago made me feel shitty but I came round after a few days. Cutting it out completely might have more of a bump, guess I'll keep you updated. So tomorrow my meds will be 400mg Pregabalin 1mg Champix 7.5mg Zopiclone 100mg...
  12. This Is How It Began...

    I’ve had it good, but I have been dragged ass backwards through the mud. Just like everyone else. It was a lot. I was a stupid shit and thought I could fly the neat, christian like nest my Gran had made for us poor, traumatized kids, and survive. All those problems I was already struggling to keep at bay, tore my newly minted adulthood a new one. My life was shit until a couple of months ago. I gave up. You see, it didn't matter that I was 18, freshly evicted, crashing on my younger...
  13. the latest...

    as I've written, opioids have been my DOC - years ago it was oxy, then poppy tea, and I've been off and on the tea for like 4 yrs. It makes me feel calm, sociable, non-anxious, and generally "happy". The only time I've ever successfully stayed off it for an extended period of time was with suboxone - anywhere from 1mg-6mg/day. A month or two ago I tried to get off the sub by using a combo of kratom and a benzo. It hasn't worked so far, and I still feel the need for "something" - I don't feel...
  14. Trying again

    Well today didnt work out very well. I did cut down to half, which I am happy with. Tomorrow will be the true test day. I have never made it past day one. I really hope to make it. I am already starting to feel the signs of sickness. I sure could use a few words of encouragement. I guess the mods thought my picture was too hardcore. I did not choose that picture for my journal. I'm not too happy with that, but hey, it's not my site, they can do what they want. I just hope they don't expect a...
  15. Sober Weekend, feels great!

    I am just writing this journal entry to give myself credit for not sticking anything up my nose or on my tongue all weekend. It makes me sick to even say that, but since dabbling with these drugs, MDMA and LSD, we have taken some every weekend . Last weekend did a number on me, i stayed up all night tweaking on that crap. dont get me wrong i did have a fun time, but the come down really sucked! I have no test kit, but i am certain just by the appearance we received something nowhere near...
  16. If Only Death Wants To Help

    Like (almost) every opiate addict, the thing that keeps us hooked on all the substances (Morphine, Codeine, Oxycodone, Pethidine, Fentanyl, Heroin etc) that stimulate those delicious but cunningly evil Mu-opiate-receptors, isn’t the cliche ‘I want to get high’-feeling that has been portrayed in the media and even by so called addiction professionals many times ad nauseam. ‘I want to get high’ has been become synonymous with ‘I want to get a fix’, although these two phrases in junkie-lingo...
  17. Less talk, more rock.

    Time to actually put my ass in gear. I have been trying to try to quit heroin, and I think I wasn't ready. I will never be ready, so I should just get it done. I want to compare both journal entries and see how this will go. I'm at a point where I need to make a decision, either to get on the smackside or the correctside. I don't have the balls to do the things I would need to do in order to keep on using.
  18. Taper day 1

    I have been on the hydro since march starting at 10mg per day and it has slowly increased until the last month or 2 I have been taking 60mg hydrocodone per day. Yesterday i took 25mg hydrocodone. Today i took 5 mg at 3:30am and 10mg at 11:30am. I dont have many pills left, so I can either do a quick taper or cold turkey. Im a single mom, so I can't be so sick that I can't function. Someone in a forum here suggested that instead of taking 10mg all at once and then waiting 24hr for the next...
  19. Day 42 Much better now

    I feel much better, still feel like an old man at times, achy and tired. My mind is able to focus now despite the current medication, not being popped up on codeine I'm awake and alive. No cravings, no desire to go back and hurrah the diarrhoea has gone too, my appetite is small but I feel hungry now where I never did before I am sleeping at night now, no more weird dreams or sleeping for an hour at a time. I'm still taking the zopiclone and trazodone and the Diphenhydramine but that's...
  20. Hell... I'm in hell...

    I'm so weak I can barely stay up right. I've been sleeping almost round the clock the last 24 hours and I just want to sleep more... This is hell.... Fire and Ice... My whole body is vibrating and I'm dizzy. And everything hurts. All I want to do is cry... And I don't even have the energy for that. I can't stop thinking that just a couple hydrocodone or adderal or just 50mg of meth will take this away. I can't do this. Every time I wake up I feel worse. My anxiety is through the...
  21. Beginning detox after 6 weeks use

    Hi all. I'm sitting here staring at my prescription bottle of perks that was filled 10 days ago and only 3 tablets remain (5 mg). No question that I've become addicted. This rx was supposed to allow me to wean off and my Dr prescribed Cymbalta to help with myofascial pain I have in my legs. The perk use came about when I had shoulder replacement surgery in March after an injury broke the shoulder. I was on perks for a while and then quit. I don't recall that detox being too bad. Then when...
  22. Riding the vast waves of depression.

    It has been a hard few days since my last post. Some ups....mostly downs. I have managed to get my naltrexone, which I am finding that the cravings and urges for opiates have slowly started to slow down and I’m not thinking about them as much. I had my friends funeral which was hard thing to deal with. It was nice in the fact he was so loved, so many people shared memories from all aspects of his short life. But it was hard, I shouldn’t have been doing that. My financial situation is...
  23. This is me! I'm who I'm

    I'm me. I tend to be lazy at home & OCD at work,I smoke, I cuss, I have PTSD, depression chronic pain disorder, anxiety disorder & chronic insomnia. Due to the PTSD i have nightmares and flashbacks often, mostly when I'm alone. I believe mental illness is just as much of an illness & can be just as painful & serious as a physical disease. I'm afraid of the dark, I have to have the fan and the light on to be able sleep. I saw my best friend, my older brother get shot and killed at school when...
  24. I'm me, do you want to know?

    I'm me. I tend to be lazy at home & OCD at work,I smoke, I cuss, I have PTSD, depression chronic pain disorder, anxiety disorder & chronic insomnia. Due to the PTSD i have nightmares and flashbacks often, mostly when I'm alone. I believe mental illness is just as much of an illness & can be just as painful & serious as a physical disease. I'm afraid of the dark, I have to have the fan and the light on to be able sleep. I saw my best friend, my older brother get shot and killed at school when...
  25. Relapses

    I’m going to relapse. I can feel it. I’ve already relapsed for the most part, mentally. And I’ve been using kratom off and on, mostly on. I’ve also ordered some hexedrone and have been contemplating ordering some meth. It’s just a matter of time. I’m so depressed and I don’t want to input the work and money it takes to go to therapy. And I feel like it’s pointless, even though I haven’t given it a solid try. It’s just so emotionally taxing. Bringing up all the fucked up shit that’s been...
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