Journals

  1. Day 4 of suboxone taper

    So I am down to 2mg this am and I'm hoping I won't need any this evening. My brain still feels cloudy but I haven't been waking up with chills in disgusting pools of sweat like I did with oxy. I would have to shower several times a day and change my bedding daily which is hard to do with zero motivation. My appetite has been all over the place, my emotions have to, and I'm really low energy not wanting to do much of anything yet. Not only do I not wake up sweating, but no sneezing, chills,...
  2. Recovery Rhymes

    I wrote this last week when I was feeling really crappy, both body and mind. But I couldn't finish it off. So last night I was feeling inspired and I wrote the last two verses, which is much more fitting to how I'm feeling and poised at the moment in regards to my progress. LOST AND TRAPPED Feeling lost in my ways and trapped in my self, Losing my happiness and losing my health. What happened to my soul and darkened my mind, That had me chasing perfection and completely blind. To that...
  3. Detox Derailed: Need a Break from Quitting

    For the time being, I'm going to stop trying to quit and just deal with the pains and pleasures of this addiction. I need to stabilize and get my shit together and it seems I can do that best on drugs, rather than off. In the chaos of the past couple months I forgot to pay a bunch of bills - mortgage, credit card, cable bill, water bill (almost got service shut off!). Nothing too catastrophic happened, but I've never been so irresponsible. Between my husband and I, I'm normally the organized...
  4. Saved and Humbled

    My mother lent me $5000 yesterday. I was able to pay my credit card, my loan repayment and bring my mortgage back up to date for the last four weeks that I've had repayments on hold with my lender. I'm still in shock. Mum said she would help if she could but I never expected it in all honesty. I'm so grateful and I can't put into words how much of a relief it was to have that burden and stress lifted, gone. In light of mum's generosity and love though, I'm feeling so guilty and ashamed....
  5. A little about me and how I got here....

    Okay so I am almost 40 and I've never had a beer. I sold alot of drugs before my kids were born. Kilos of drugs.(Did my time). I only mention this because the amount of drugs, partying, and money I was around at that point of my life without getting addicted is relevant to my whole story. I experimented from 18-21 worst drug being coke but just decided to stop one day and never touched anything until...... Skip to 38 I find out I have all these problems. I was overweight without explanation...
  6. Some random thoughts.

    It’s been a while since I actually wrote a journal, even though I’ve still been around DF daily. I stumbled across something I wrote about a month and a half ago, when things were still shit, I had just jumped off subs, and it felt like my world has fallen apart. “The emptiness is palpable, The sadness is engulfing me, Days & nights seem endless, If only you could go inside my brain to see what I see, I pray the universe hears my insides screaming, The only reason I carry on, is him.” I’m...
  7. The Uphill Journey

    Perhaps happiness is found not in the brief peaks, but in the journey uphill. - Jordan Peterson Set goals and then work toward them. Thats all we can do. I saw a quote from Alan Watts today that said that the meaning of life is simply to be alive. Nice sentiment, but we all know that there are qualities of life. My thought is that the meaning of life is to fight in order to make your own life, and thus the lives of those around you, better rather than worse. Animals seem like they...
  8. Balancing the art of Life

    It’s been a bit since I wrote anything, life has been happening and now I seem to be learning the things I should have learned a long time ago. Balancing it all. Okay it might not be a lot, but it’s the first time I’ve had to learn to balance; parenting, work, self-care, home life, and relationships. I’ve done the whole relationship and work bit, but that was way before I became a mother. I was on disability when I got pregnant with E, and took to stay at home momness with ease. I am no...
  9. All For You Meth

    How is it possible that one drug could take so much away in so little time? I look back on who I was a year ago and who I am now and all that time in between. It's been 6 weeks roughly since I quit smoking meth daily and I've gained all the weight back to what I was 12 months ago, I'm still feeding the same wounds I was 12 months ago only now I've made a handful more to heal too. What poisoned my mind so, that I was driven for perfection, chasing my inner desire, even a lust for the new...
  10. Tuesday 26th March

    4:41am. Exhausted. 1g: 3pm - 10pm. Another g: 10pm - 3am ..sent half back to myself, it will only bite me in the but in two days... Since 1st March: 16g :'( I need to get out of here. But I have a job I really want to keep. And wouldn't be able to take time off. My nose is hard to breath through. Always sniffing. Completely deflated.
  11. Sick of kratom and tired of feeling crappy

    This morning is rough. Last night, I could barely sleep despite taking melatonin, xanax and kratom ... not all at once. I abhor cold sweats. Kratom helped a little. I took some at 2 am and it's 9 am now and I feel terrible already. I really don't feel like downing another disgusting kratom drink. My stomach feels uneasy and I'm afraid the kratom will make it worse. I need to function for work. So I feel like resorting to the drugs that I know will make me feel better. I wonder how much I...
  12. Ketamine is over

    Just a quick update about something I've written about in the past. I sought out the help of ketamine when I was rejected from doing more ECT due to memory loss. It seemed the only thing to try other that Deep Brain Stimulation -- and I don't want brain surgery. I had about 20 treatments (by comparison I've had 32 ECTs), and the help it gave seemed to diminish with time. At first my response was great. It seemed to help with my psychotic symptoms too. Ultimately though, I had a...
  13. Wow, kratom really works!

    Kratom probably kept me from relapsing halfway through my withdrawal last night. I was skeptical that the stuff would really work because it seems so benign, but it did. What a relief! Withdrawal was infinitely more unbearable than the last time I quit, which was about a month ago. There's only so much time one can spend in the bathtub and I was starting to get restless and antsy even in the soothing water. No matter what I did, I could not get comfortable. Hot, cold, sweaty, every square...
  14. Sunday 24th March

    I didn't keep my word and go to an na meeting. All talk and no do. Need to get past this hurdle. Had the flat to myself so did a spring clean, and picked up to make cleaning more "enjoyable". When the bag ran out later in the evening, I withdrew all I had left in my bank account to get another. It is 3:40am now and I still have about a third left. I feel I have to finish it asap so I can sleep. Leaving it for another day isn't possible for me. 1:30pm - 10pm: 1g 11pm - 3/4/5am.... 1g Since...
  15. Time to update! Gosh it's been forever! Awesome!

    Man it's been a while since I wrote in this thing. Things are really good, then again my symptoms and hold to reality is really... not so good... so who knows how stuff actually is. I am coming up on 5 months clean. I started going to NA meetings again. I was going to ones about an hours drive away (for the past 2 years or so), until I realized there are meetings 5 minute drive from here. Dumb! Plus sexually assaulted by one of the fellows at the far away meetings, plus parents won't let...
  16. Self Sabotage

    Ive been analyzing myself heavily these last few weeks. An MDMA trip brought me into an existensial crisis of sorts. I suppose I wanted to feel happy and carefree and instead I found myself asking, "wheres it all going?". It was odd. I was with a girl who was really into the sexual frame of things and I just wasnt feeling it. Eventually I did but it was more in the way of fooling myself that I cared about her, which is not at all what I normally do. Lifes been going well, but It...
  17. The glorious bathtub

    I’m a little behind schedule but still pushing through the agony. My last real dose was at 6 am yesterday (took a tiny bit of residual stuff at 2 pm after transferring the heroin powder to a baggie and locking it in an inconvenient location). My plan was to take a last dose around 11 pm Friday, but I ended up doing several “last” doses until 6 am, rationalizing that it wasn’t tomorrow until daybreak. Now, 32 hours later, the bathtub is my best friend. I filled it with hot water and Epsom...
  18. Friday 22nd March

    Thursday was coke free. Friday I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. Met two friends for drinks, one wanted to pick up, I was 100% in. Shared 2g between us 3. Drank a lot. 1g 6:30pm - 5am It's now 8:35am Saturday. Feel so numb. hollow. lost my purpose and identity. Since 1st March: 12g If I continue using.... - lose my wonderful, incredible, loving boyfriend, who I do not deserve. It would break my heart if he found out - huge debt and overdraft - ruin my career - I will destroy...
  19. Last Day Before Detox

    This is my last day of opiate use. I plan to take my last dose sometime tonight and begin my detox tomorrow, over the weekend. I'm prepared supply-wise. I have loperamide (Imodium), alprazolam (Xanax), lots of vitamins and red Bali kratom. I've quit a couple times since I started on this roller coaster in late December, but this time will be successful. It has to be. I'm on a precipice and if this doesn't stop my normal life as I know it will completely unravel. Although I know I need to...
  20. Sad and Lonely

    Lately, life has proven to be, Sad and especially lonely for me. I'm stuck in a rut, that cycle you know? Escaping gets harder the longer you go.. I don't know anymore what road I should take, I fucked up again and with my health at stake... I'm not angry I did it, no what scares me more, I feel tired and hopeless and empty at the core. I still can't comprehend how life could go, From bright and active to sickly and slow. I have hidden away, in my own secret world, The only place he will...
  21. Wednesday 20th March

    Didn't use on Tuesday, had a lovely chill evening at home. As soon as I'd had breakfast on Wednesday I was thinking about picking up around lunchtime.. Picked up a g at 1:30pm, work was full-on so it gave me more motivation. Finished it by 10pm and bought another.. It is 4:55am now. Work in four hours. Will try and sleep from 6am-8am. shit. Since 1st March: 11g Reasons not to do coke: 1) it is ruining me, I hardly recognise myself 2) it makes me a bad friend, daughter, sister,...
  22. Friday 8th, Saturday 16th and Monday 18th March

    Went away for a week last week, it was so good, wonderful, amazing. I was free from cocaine and didn't feel I needed it. HOWEVER... The Friday before, I swore I'd go to my first NA meeting. Then work ran late, and automatically I picked up before a friend's engagement party. 1g (£60) 6pm - 3am. Returned the following Saturday, picked up straight away. 1g (£100) 11pm - 10am. Missed a get together with friends Sunday morning. Made excuses and hid away at home. Lay awake listening for my...
  23. Some realizations

    I went back and read a lot of my old entries and replies to others on these boards and I realized that I only come here when I am down, depressed, withdrawing, etc. I also did not realize exactly how long I have been coming to this site. It's been a long time. During all this time I actually have had some great times in my life. I had periods of 1 year clean, 7 months, and 4 months and a few shorter ones over the last 8 years. But the positive times have far too often been out weighed by...
  24. Just Gone 5 Weeks

    Well, it's just gone 5 weeks since I made the decision to stop using meth. In that time I've ended up using again twice and went through the most hellish two weeks of my life; going through withdrawals and physically recovering from the drain of using nonstop for almost 12 months. I've also been emotionally and mentally unstable with unpredictable up's and down's which has proven exhausting. I can't believe how quickly this time has gone and that I'm here now and able to reflect back on...
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