Journals

  1. A bit of an introduction

    I’m new to this recovery journal, and I guess I should do a bit of an introduction to get things started. I first used heroin in 2014. I had started with painkillers in 2011, but eventually the oxycodone got too expensive, and I fell in love with heroin immediately after I tried it. Back in 2011 I had tried to recover by going to NA, but I could never get even 30 days clean. In 2016 I got clean from heroin using buprenorphine. I did that for about 8 months, but shortly after I got off the...
  2. Quitting Marijuana days 21-24

    Well after a very positive 20th day the next 4 days haven’t been great but not unbearable. I’ve still been finding it difficult to fall asleep, usually takes me 1-3 hours to fall asleep then sometimes I wake up early and can not get back to sleep. My melatonin 1mg pills have turned up in the post today so hopefully they will help but I know Sir dabathin on these forums said I should not use them everyday? Does anyone know if that’s correct? I bought them as I read they are not addictive or...
  3. Carte Blanche

    Carte Blanche: "The compete freedom to act as one wishes or thinks best." Its a frightening statement for an addict. We get into trouble when we do what we want to do rather than what we should do. Im giving myself a day of carte blanche, we'll see what happens. The last few weeks ive been doing a ketogenic diet, yoga, lifting, bike riding, running, and generally doing what i think I "should" do at all times. Ive been feeling good, especially yesterday, when I made a new resolution to...
  4. Quitting smoking; progress made, fears and anxiety lessened as time moves on.

    Its been a while since I posted my initial entry about quitting smoking, so I figured I would do an update as to how things are going. I purchased an e-ciggarette, and have been using it consistently during those times where the need to smoke is highest, though when I am actually unable to smoke. Like when my son is in the truck. I’ve always been a chain smoker while in a vehicle, this became a habit, after spending so much time in a vehicle throughout my life. From living in my car at...
  5. Quitting marijuana day 19-20 - Good signs!

    Day 19 was a lot like days 17-18, feeling extremely fatigued, depressed, anxious, wasn’t a good day really but I carried on BUT day 20...was an awesome day! I took a zopliclone 3.75mg tablet the night before so sleep like a baby for 10 hours, I actually woke up with a lot of anxiety but had a cup of tea, got up had a wash etc it eased up a bit, went out to meet a girl I’ve been seeing had a nice day with her (still felt a bit odd/anxious/clouded mind) but she was very nice and seemed to...
  6. Day 17-18 Quitting Weed - Extreme Fatigue

    These two days have been pretty tough to be honest but not in craving weed, more with the depression/brain fog/anxiety/fear/paranoia symptoms, they have been going through the roof these two days, I’m still not really getting a proper good nights sleep, more like broken up sleep where it takes me few hours to drop off then I wake up at times through the night and morning. As in the title I am also feeling extreme fatigue, it’s like I feel exhausted all the time, once it gets to the evening...
  7. Day 15-16 - Quitting Marijuana

    Been two pretty bad days to be honest, both days I’ve had bad sleep and my days have been filled with depression, anxiety, paranoia and just don’t feel any joy in anything really. I have to say I can see why people relapse as life just feels really depressing and dull at the moment but I think it is because you’re mind has to repair, the insomnia can drive you crazy though, it’s tough.
  8. Day 13-14 quitting marijuana

    Well it’s been two totally opposite days. Day 13 was absolutely horrible, i had severe anxiety, depression and really bad headaches all through the day. I just felt completely miserable the entire day and wasn’t good company to be around at all. Day 14 was way better, I had a good sleep the night before after taking a Zopiclone pill, I woke up feeling way less anxious and down, I went to see my aunty uncle and cousin, my sister was there also and I had a good evening really enjoyed catching...
  9. Back in the workforce

    Hello to everyone who chooses to read my entries. I hope I help even one person realize it's possible to recover. Well I'm still clean after 6 months, which is longer again. This time though I know I'm not going backwards as I've done things differently. I even after 20 years out of the workforce, got a job. Woo hoo. I got a job doing bar work which I love as I'm a people person. Only after 6 weeks someone came into the pub where I was working, looking for a job, recognized me from my past...
  10. Day 12 - Quitting weed

    Today has been a mixed day, I actually got to sleep within an hour last night but I woke up a lot in the early hours of the morning and found it tough to get back to sleep which was annoying. I felt really crap when I got up, heavy head, brain fog, anxious, fed up and felt that way through most of the day to be honest, I went to the park for some exercise done some running for about an hour or so but I just started to feel too ill to carry on really, then when I went back to my car driving...
  11. When something truly wonderful happens, and truly hurts at the same time.

    Yesterday I received a text with a beautiful picture attached, the message read; “Hello! It's official, we are the happiest people alive. We decided to make it just the 3 of us. We don't like big to-does. I hope you are not disappointed.” And the picture enclosed; For the first time in a while I cried. Not just tears in my eyes, but cried for a minute or two. It became official, my 4 year old son was adopted and was no longer ‘my son’, he’ll always be mine biologically, but he is no longer...
  12. Day 11 - Quitting weed

    Well today has sucked, I wasn’t going to do a journal entry everyday and do a grouped 2 or 3 day one from days 11-13 but today’s been really rubbish with the way I’ve felt, had a bit of a crap sleep last night (again) took me about hour and a half or two hours to get to sleep and then woke up early but could not get back to sleep, head felt heavy and anxious. I then just feel super paranoid, anxious, depressed, lethargic all day, I took one l-tyrosine 500mg tablet which at first gave me a...
  13. Day 10 - Quitting weed

    Today has been ok really, I woke up with slightly heavy head but not as bad, did feel very tired when I woke up though, but something I did notice which is hard to explain was while I was dreaming last night I kind of felt a happy/joyous feeling, maybe something in my brain changing slowly but I could feel it in my sleep I felt happy, it was nice, I still have felt an anxious worried feeling through most the day and night but again not as severe, I didn’t get to do my usual working out today...
  14. Day 9 - Quitting weed

    Well today while not being easy has certainly been better than the last few days. I again woke up with a very heavy head, brain fog and exhaustion which is not nice at all but i pushed myself to go to the gym even though I had no motivation and it helped tremendously. I still do feel paranoia, lost sad feeling, Irritable but it feels less intense and more manageable. I also haven’t felt like giving in as much today which is a positive. 9 days clean does feel quite good I feel proud that I...
  15. A Love/Hate Story...

    HATEPILLS1 by Deenihle posted Aug 27, 2016 at 6:04 PM ★ ‘If all the world’s a stage, where is the audience?’ For the past 6+ years I’ve been playing a role every day. On screen I’m an intelligent, hard-working good girl with a charismatic personality charm. The thing is, though-I have a really hard time balancing my work & home life. You see, a miserable, cowardly, lonely, pathological liar clocks out for me at the end of each day on the set. At the studio I act for the audience’s...
  16. Day 8 - Quitting weed

    Today has been a real test! Woke up with the heavy head again, felt in a kind of fog all day like a dazed feeling, I went to the park to play football for a bit which helped my mood slightly but then when I got back home I had some very powerful urges to smoke weed, my mind was convinced me that life without weed is horrible and almost not even worth living, I was really close to caving in but I managed to fight it off by keep thinking how gutted I would be the next day and reminded myself...
  17. Day 7 - Quitting weed and Nicotine

    Well today has been strange one, I actually had a ok sleep last night and woke up with a heavy head but not feeling angry or anxious. The day was going fine then when I went for a long walk later with my cousin to burn off some energy I got some really strong cravings out of nowhere, it was like the devil in my ear making me think how cosy it would be to just get stoned, started making me think of all the good times and how it would just take all the stress away, I ain’t going to lie I felt...
  18. Another shitty day-I was happier using........

    So, I'm looking into options for opiate replacement therapy that doesn't include three days of IOP a week, too low a dose of suboxone, three meetings a week, and weekly drug tests. I realize that the fact my treatment is covered by a grant and all I have to pay for is daily transportation and $28 a week for Suboxone makes me sound like an ungrateful brat. That said, it's a ton of time invested and too many hoops to jump through for a partial agonist that barely helps. I got clean in March...
  19. Day 6 - quitting marijuana & nicotine

    I’ve had a mixed day, woke up feeling like absolute trash, I felt so angry and rough, I felt furious until about mid afternoon when I went out to do shopping (bought a lot of healthy foods and drinks), I think going out n about helped, I then started getting anxious again so I went to the gym and that seemed to calm me down, I still feel a bit of an edge and bit down but not as bad and 6 days down now. What I’m finding tough is everynight takes me over 2 hours to get to sleep which drives me...
  20. Day 5 quitting marijuana

    Day 5 has been a little better, woke up feeling really rubbish after not getting much sleep, head felt really heavy, also dreamed about using which I didn’t like, in the dream it was like I was desperate for the effect of smoking weed but I wasn’t getting it, woke up feeling anxious quite a few times, as the day went on I felt better though and my anxiety/depression hasn’t been as severe, I’m hoping I’m over the worst of it as day 3&4 were complete hell but I guess I’ll find out.
  21. Wow, I hate everything........

    So, I've been on a Suboxone maintenance program since June. I quit in March. The sub doc started me off at........wait for it......one milligram! Got up to eight mg by October-fighting tooth and nail, btw-she made a boo boo and shorted a script. So, I took two weeks off my program to just calm down and have fun. Recently came back, got a non-stupid doctor, and suboxone issue is under control. That said, I REALLY hate coming in three days a week and jumping through hoops for this shit. It's...
  22. Phenibut horror WD

    Hi guys I been away from the forum because of a years binge. Around two months ago I was up to 15 gram every four hours just to hold back the worst of the WD. At this point I didn't give a fuck about tomorrow and just scooped what ever what was needed to hold me back from horror-land. After a few weeks the daily dose of massive amounts of pheni I realize with panic that it didn't help any more or and I went in to WD-mode. I stopped sleeping and eating dues to constant nausea and vomiting...
  23. Day 4 - quitting marijuana and tobacco

    Day 4 has been even worse than yesterday, I’ve been a nervous anxious wreck all day, sweating like crazy, feeling very depressed, a lot of this must also be nicotine withdrawal, I’m not going to cave in but I hope this get easier, seem to feel exhausted aswell, feel so anxious and sad, can’t wait to get over this.
  24. Day 3 - Quitting Marijuana

    Day 3 now, symptoms have came on a lot stronger today, feeling severe anxiety, shakes and depression, don’t actually have any strong cravings to smoke just feel really depressed/anxious and a kind of unwell feeling, also been getting some stomach pains and diarrhoea which sucks, sweating a lot and just feel extremely tired/exhausted, hoping I feel a bit better tomorrow as today has really been horrible. When do the worst days pass with quitting marijuana? Might be worth mentioning I used...
  25. Day 2 - quitting marijuana

    I am on day 2 now, took me quite a while to get to sleep on the first night but I feel slightly better today, my feet seem to be sweating quite a bit, feel slightly strange but I’m determined to see this through, it’s only midday now, I know later will get tough.
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