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Recovery Journal Entries

Drug Addiction Support

  1. Medication Stable

    Things seem to have balanced out, have sort of cleared my desk at work (not my inbox mind you) and I feel ok, I'm sleeping at night and having really nice dreams which is a bonus no doubt helped by my bedtime cocktail of Trazadone, Diphenhydramine and zopiclone, doesn't make me fall asleep but when I do I sleep lovely. Olanzapine officially reduced to 2.5mg and Iv been fine the past couple of days so next Tuesday when I go to the Drs he will cut it out altogether. Then it'll be the...
  2. Day 1 - a lot has happened, hopefully this is it

    It's been a while since I've updated this journal. I relapsed back in May & have been at it all summer and most of September. Time has come to try and get clean again. I hope this will be the last time I go through this. I think this is my fourth or fifth attempt at getting clean. Tonight is the night I took my last pill. The next little while will be hard but I know what to expect, however I'm still terrified. My brain is all over the place right now so I will write a more concise entry in...
  3. Better today, up and down

    I felt better today, work went well and I was able to concentrate on stuff. I seem to be having ups and downs with this withdrawal, the pain in the arse is the mental stuff I feel, Iv definitely noticed the reduction. Having headaches a lot too, had a bad one this afternoon this is a side effect of my body getting used to the level of Olanzapine I think.
  4. Which one will make me happy??

    I decided to go ahead and show how much medication I take in a week. No shame in my game. Here we have 1000 MGs of depakote, to stabilize my bipolar mood swings, the big ones. Then we have 2 MGs of ativan to take the edge off my anxiety disorder and make it possible for me to breathe, the smaller ones in the middle. Last I take 1 MG of risperdal at bedtime, to also help with bipolar, anxiety, panic, and obsessive compulsive disorder. When i look at that i think, is this really all...
  5. Thank you

    Finally today about lunch time after sleeping all morning and not wanting to get up, I just felt like getting up and felt great, the best I've felt in 2 weeks. Woo hoo... Either the pills have kicked in after 8 days or the Bipolar high has, either way I don't care at the moment I'm just so glad to feel good again. No more pjs all day, no more sleeping all day, back to the land of the living. I've had some dark days recently but I came through them with the help of my psychologist and drug...
  6. 2 weeks clean! (Hopefully forever)

    So today I'm 2 weeks clean, (roughly) and I've been taking zubsolv every day to sleep/ not be sick. I know that heroin is out of my system but the zubsolv is now in my system and I guess I'm dependent on that now too. But the thing is, the zubsolv doesn't cost us anything. And the heroin was taking away rent money, car insurance money, all these things that I've been paying late for months. But today, I paid my electric bill right on time, no late fees. It doesn't seem like a huge...
  7. Feeling Rough

    I'm not having a great couple of days, it must be the drop in meds but I just don't feel myself, kinda lost and almost spaced out, can't seem to get with it to do much more than sit with my phone. Work today was tough going, I have a backlog of work that's adding pressure into the equation and it's not helping, all this time withdrawing from codeine then onto reducing the other pills has meant me falling behind. I don't feel anxious because I feel numb with pregablin, the dose of 200mg...
  8. 1,7 gram

    Second day on 1,7 phenibut. It´s doable but not much more.. freezing my ass of.. feeling sick.. I´m going to see on a apartment I can move in to this week.. 10 minutes walk from the city. Food is very important to feel better! I get warmer and have less WD symptoms.. Hope you guys are ok.
  9. Quitting black alone sucks

    I am.trying to quit I'm on my last gra. That I want to buy I dunno what.to do I have some subutex like 8 4mg and 2.subtext strips and some.canal I mean can I even quit on that.....wtf am I supposed to do!! I'm so alone I just want my.life back I'm a 33 yr old good looking wHite male lol I should have a nice gf friends and my.family I have no one cause i have trapped my self into my home im a prisoner.to this and this is my life..... it's a circle.of the same.people and I don't socially...
  10. first cut this morning.

    Here we go again. Cut 100 mg to 1,7 gram. I still feel like overrun by a truck and think I will feel like this for a week or so.. giant bags under my eyes and never feel rested. But I know this by now. Because I cant feel no joy, and wont for a while, I decided to learn a new music application that I wanted for some time. Lots of math and stuff so I really need to use my brain. One thing I have to decide is what ever or not to have my planned exhibition with 14 other artists in the end of...
  11. Struggle write bs wrong

    I can't feel more guilty leaving te man that gave me all, love, care, my kids my homie home, vacations. Spoiled me... but I'm still in meth and he wants me clean I understand that bur he doesn't smunseestand my pains, my battles.. I decide to leave... he is awesome dad and will always make sure our girls are safe .. I will overcome my issues and come back. Hopefully no one will be taking my place .. I think leaving is a big step, I will be on my car for a well.. but I will for once thing...
  12. Feeling really sad

    It just feels like everything is falling apart around me. Another year older & still don't have my shit together & wonder if I ever will. I'm a mess! I feel like I fail at everything. I've failed at being a wife a daughter a mom a sister. I was best friends with my brother now we don't even speak to each other. I miss it. I'm just having a really shitty day!
  13. Too much time on your hands is not always a good thing.

    So I get some alone time, the wife is away for the night and the kids are at nans for the night This is prime mind wandering time. Do I go and see some friends, who I know will be smoking weed. Not that I will go out my way to get some. Nor do I really want it. But I know if it was there I wouldn't say no. I do not see weed as the issue, but I think staying clear of any drug at the moment is a positive step. I do also have access to opiates, which I am ashamed to say, but have yet to do...
  14. Relapse!

    Hi again.. I made a stupid decision after a couple of weeks.. I was alone for five days in my friends house deeeep out in nowhere.. to take two grams, but of course resulted in a 2-3 weeks binge using 10-? grams a day. A week ago I noticed that I had like 8 grams left and hit the breaks and ordered 100 grams. I did Three days off only sleeping, totally exhausted after being up for days on pheni. Waking up in bad WD. Tried to go CT but started vomiting badly, shaking freezing and was in...
  15. Feeling Shitty

    Well it's taken a couple of days now and I definitely feel different, not anxious or stressed out just kinda lost and hazy. I'm not at work so it doesn't matter so much but iv been in a daze all day. I feel like I'm cold all the time although it's probably the weather a bit too autumn is comming. I feel a little depressed if I'm honest which I'm putting down to the change in meds, I should pick up when I get used to this level.
  16. Psychosis... Wish it were enough to quit.

    I want to quit... Really, I do. I have been wanting to for months. I even did, twice for a month each time. The first time by choice. I had hope in front of me. The second time, lack of availability. It's been steady for a few months now. I've been in and out of different stages of psychosis. Mainly delusional thoughts and paranoia. That's been going on for a while, at least a month I think. Why don't I quit... I'm afraid. Having a few mental health problems that affect my mood and...
  17. Quick catch up.

    So it's been nearly 1 month since my last drug use, and it's been really hard. Over the last few days I have found my mind drifting towards using and I really have to fight myself to not. I have had dreams that I have used, and they felt so real. My feeling and emotions in the dreams really got to me. I am feeling better in myself generally. I am getting on with my family and friends, I'm not isolating myself. Still feel I am missing out on something when I'm not taking drugs, what that...
  18. Higher Powers And All That 12 Step Bullshit

    Or, How An Atheist discovered a Power Greater Than Himself. OK, so first let me say this: don't worry, this isn't going to be some born-again-anything rant or anything of the sort. I've been struggling with incredibly large amounts of alcohol on a daily basis since getting off dope and on methadone, roughly three and a half years ago. Before that my drinking was rather normal, if not a little too regular at times. I was first "introduced" to the Anonymous program at age 15 while in a lock...
  19. 34 Days clean, I'm free

    Apart from achy bones and stiffness which feels just like Iv run a marathon I'm free of this horrid drug. No more do I count 4 hours at a time till the next dose or nod my way through the afternoon whilst the world whirls by. No more constant diarrhoea from the withdrawals or days where I wake up in the night hanging out for painkillers. Psychologically I feel more like myself again (whoever that is) and some kind of normality has returned. I always was a raving insomniac but the added...
  20. No ill effects

    Well the reduction in olanzapine has not had any ill effects at all, im probably more chirpy than I was before. Stopping the propranolol hasn't had any adverse effects either and im still functioning on all 4 cylinders. What I have been feeling though is achy bones and stiffness, this is no doubt to do with the codeine withdrawal, im some 34 days clean now and loving not being a slave to the painkillers, no amount of achy bones will make me want to start that again.
  21. Journey through Loperamide withdrawal

    Things so far have been going as expected. Yesterday we dropped the dose from around 150 to 120 and will do 120 again today. Because there is no where around here to get the amount of lope that we need to do this I had to order some and I hope it will be here today or tomorrow but if not Im not sure what the plan is. His mood is as to be expected. He wakes up in the morning feeling rough and usually makes it until the afternoon before he gets his daily dose and then you can tell he feels...
  22. Day 6 At The New Job.

    I'm fitting in here pretty well it's like the island of misfit toys & its just like home to me. I'm only on my 6th day & I feel like a part of the family. I get lots of love, hugs & kisses. This gentleman comes up to see his wife & have dinner with her every night & she hasn't a clue where she is who she is or who he is. They have their dinner & he plays the harmonica for her afterwards. It's like a switch all of a sudden she loses that dementia induced look of fear in her eyes. She knows...
  23. Past, Future, Life... A cruel reality.

    I wrote this on a whim about mid July I think, just typing away... It hasn't changed much even though, it started out just rambling while I was in not so good a place in my head. Sorry it's pretty long winded, I'm going to attempt to make it more readable. Thanks in advance for taking the time.~ S*IM My life is scary... It's hard and grueling. I was given this life, I didn't ask for it, I didn't chose it, It was thrown at me like some sick cosmic joke from the universe. It's not a life I...
  24. I don't know anymore.

    I used to feel like at some point I would stop using, and that would be it. But I keep relapsing. I know people will suggest detox, professional help, etc., but those just aren't options for me. No one knows about this problem I have, so I get no emotional support. I also need to work and support my family; I can't just stop doing that and go away to rehab or something and let them fend for themselves - so perhaps this is just the way it will continue until I no longer need to support my...
  25. Suboxone days 2-5

    Today is my 6th day on suboxone and my 7th day being off of poppy seed tea. My daily dose is 8mg and I'm going to taper down to 6mg tomorrow although I don't have a ton of 2mg pills left, only 8mg. I wonder if I can quickly taper down to 4mg and just cut my 8mg pills im half so they don't go to waste since I paid cash for them? I didn't want to take the risk of having "opiate addict" as a preexisting condition and have my insurance rates sky rocket. Here is a brief synopsis of the last...
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