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Blog Entries List

Blog Entries from community members

Support Fellow Members in Recovery

  • Oxy Bout. Round 6

    Df Community, Today is the day I truly get tested. The Re-up... Not going to lie pretty damn nervous about that. But I believe that I've put in the hours and days to hold out. My brain is just swimming with ideas. Also I don't know what it is. But my feet hurt! But mainly only the heel. And on the arch sometimes....
  • Since Saturday

    Today is Thursday, marking my 6th day clean. I've had a couple of cravings but I was able to keep my mind off of it by my work. I've been a little tired but I know that will get better with time.
  • Oxy Bout. Round 5

    Community, Wanted to start off by saying thank you to those who's have given any kind of comment, you guys and gals are awesome. Anywho's.... Day 6/7ish Finally maybe coming out of the worst of the storm. (Still in some sort of storm, just not the worst part) still dealing with horrible insomnia. Have to load...
  • A new life is born-Addicted to life: Restarting & Fighting spirit

    So I'm back, and I came with a new insight that I didn't have prior to this. I'm not perfect, nobody walking this earth surface is, that's a tough pill that I had to swallow in my life. Its not just me, I feel like deep down everyone wants to be perfect, not making a mistake, always being on time, always doing...
  • The big lie continues

    Here I am day 3 of the most abysmal attempt to quit the dope. It sounds so good to be clean and free, but I just can't seem to get out of my way. WHAT makes me think I can do this on my own? Oh,ya, my delusional thinking.. At what point did I think I was God, and just stop using? My ego haunts me daily. My...
  • Oxy Bout. Round 4

    DF Community, First off thanks Heart, and Aem. For the support and advice. Maybe when and if I can scrape together some cash I'll be able to get some extract. Anyways... Day 5 It's a very very late night and very early morning. Probably about 3 hours of sleep. If that. And the RLS is still just daunting. But I...
  • New life

    Today marks 2 days and I'm a little tired but I'm holding up! I'm on this path beacause I just don't get any enjoyment out of it anymore, a much needed change is in order. I'm glad I'm alive and well.
  • Oxy bout. Round 3

    Hello again Community, Yes still here. I was up at a wedding 800 miles away. Man that was a trip (without anything!) Day 4/5 so yes I'm still doing okay. The sleep has still been bad. But the RLS is still worse. I've been coping with the sleep due to Ambien. Which I really hate taking. Because I know of the...
  • Overthinking.

    Today I am going to touch the question that has been hounting me for years since I myself became a parent (Not the ideal one, I guess, but I am trying). Years ago on this forum was a thread with a question along these lines (Can not remember correctly): "Would you let your children get known to the drugs, be...
  • Every day struggle.

    So I decided to start a new journal, since my first was about my most recent relapse and I feel I'm past that head space. I last used in late March (opiates, anyway) and I've been doing fine staying away from them even though the cravings are still near constant. Buuuut, me being a moron I have gotten wrapped up...
  1. Went back on medications today.

    Im so stubborn about being bipolar, i just cant help it, bipolar comes with a huge ego when you become extremely manic, its exhausting, it makes my head and neck jerk around, sometimes my eyes go white, i sweat profusely, and sometimes start to leak straight out the vajaja...not fun. my shrink told me today those are called emotional seizures, i cant let that happen to me with so many kids to be responsible for, my 3 are exhausting enough as it is, and, they always come with friends, just...
  2. Halfway through day 4

    I am 12 hours into day 4 and am having debilitating anxiety. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going to lose it. I need help but it feels awful. I can't function because of the anxiety.
  3. Day 36

    Good morning, everyone. It's day 36 and I'm still clean! I just celebrated my 5 week anniversary yesterday. I celebrated by watching Hacksaw Ridge with a friend and drinking a nice, refreshing Coca Cola. I know it wasn't the biggest celebration ever but it wasn't the most celebration worthy event either. I'll have a bigger celebration in a few weeks when I reach two months clean. I dunno what I'm gonna do yet. Maybe I'll go kayaking or something... So as far as being clean goes, I'm doing...
  4. Addicted To Life Day 14: The Persuading Inner Voice

    We all hear it im assuming, if you havent yet, your either lying to yourself, purposely pretending thats not real, calling it your own voice, or your just not really a human being. We all have heard it before. we walk around all day and that voice speaks to us, telling when to do something, not to do something, dont touch the flames it'll burn and it'll be hot. The voice is with us always. It even follows us around every where, thats why we really cant get away with anything even though we...
  5. Back on day 3

    Long story short. On day 4 I got a call for an interview which I could not do in withdrawal so I used and am back on day 3. In about 60 hours in. I'm hurting bad but if I get this job I'll need to pass a drug screen so that's what's going to keep me going this time. Ugh. God help me. How am I going to get through this!
  6. Day 81 - still clean

    Haven't updated my journal in a little while; I'm still clean, about 81 days now. I'm less then a week away from going back home from my trip. Still having tons of cravings, it's the worst it's ever been. Still not understanding why it's been so difficult while I'm away because I really thought this trip will change my prespective on everything; wishful thinking I guess. Not really sure what's going to happen when I get home to be honest. I really hope these cravings lessen... anyways, just...
  7. Day 33

    Good morning. It's day 33 and I'm feeling pretty good. How are you, dear reader? It's about 7:15 and I'm just sitting here listening to Bohemian Rhapsody and drinking coffee. YI plan on going to counseling and the gym later today.. I might attend a SMART Recovery meeting too if I'm not doing anything else. Yesterday was pretty rough. I only slept 4-6 hours the night before and I felt sick and tired and had a headache the entire day. Shitty feelings seem to be a major trigger for me. I...
  8. Addicted To Life Day 13: Triggers Are Everywhere....

    Every where i look now i see a trigger, music, tv shows, kids tv shows, movies, commercials, clubs, bars, there arent many places that i dont see a trigger anymore. I guess its my own fault most of the time because i seem to always put myself in situations that are triggering for me. But sometimes i cant help it, i get curious, and then from my curiousity i explore further, and then before you know it im waist deep in my addiction, whether im doing drugs or not, my addiction is being fed....
  9. Day 32

    Well, today is day 32 and I'm still clean. I've faced some hard times, some emotional upset, a lot of stress, but I've also had a lot of good times. Reaching my fitness goals feels really good. Finishing a good movie or a magazine is rewarding. Drinking a sugary smoothie is an amazing mood lifter. I'm sipping one now and it tastes so good. I read up on philosophy today. Just some light reading on wikipedia about Western philosophy from ancient times to the present. It was a very cursory...
  10. Addicted To Life Day 12: Not Long To Live

    I woke up with a disturbing dream on my mind. It was about the end of the world, the end of civilization as we knew it. could you imagin, as im typing this chapter, or as you're reading this, a huge rapture begins to take people, or even worse, say a meteor collides with our planet killing 85 percent of civilization and hell on earth begins? That was pretty much my dream that i had, and im a very spiritual individual, i believe theres energies and being who can communicate with people here,...
  11. Exercise isn't everything

    Hey guys. It's Jarvy. I just got back from the gym and I'm feeling a lot better. Man, it's amazing what 18 hours of sleep can do for a person. I easily met my 16 minute goal then lifted some weights. I felt so much more confident having completed my goal versus the day before yesterday when I stopped at 8 minutes. One thing I'm learning is it's okay to not do so well sometimes even when it's something you really want to do. Someone on the SMART Recovery chat directed me toward a video on...
  12. Day 31

    Good morning, everybody. It's day 31 and I'm still clean! I'm pretty happy about that. I celebrated yesterday with a cappuccino at Starbucks. After that I promptly fell asleep for 5 hours, woke up, ate some cereal, then fell asleep for another 12 hours. I just got my shots of antipsychotics and I think they're knocking me out. It's okay though. I needed the rest. I've been pushing myself pretty hard for the past few weeks. I'm just glad to be clean. Yeah, I thought about using the other day...
  13. Addicted to life: day 11 Bigger Influence then drugs

    My little sister walks in the house and i instantly know shes high. Of course i say a small comment about how i can tell shes high because as soon as she walked in the house i could smell her, it was that same arouma every weed smoker has after they get done smoking, if you smoked weed before, or ever been around people who've smoked weed before, then you already know what smell im talking about. My mindset was instantly going into telling her to cut that shit out, but she had company with...
  14. 26 days clean

    I have 26 days clean today. I'm not sure why I don't feel more proud. Actually I don't really feel much of anything. If you put meth in front of me right now, would I turn it down and walk away? I doubt it. But I'm not craving it at the moment, either. I still haven't faced my life, my problems, or my feelings. I haven't gone to a single meeting. I've been hiding. I moved. I made it really hard for myself to get a hold of any. But if I was determined enough of course I could find what I...
  15. better than nothing is not true

    yesterday my brain was pounding so bad i resorted to using buspirone, it is all i have. Terrible approach, made my mania crank up to 100. using medications to treat something other than what is bothering you is a terrible idea. stilllllll smoking, and i hate it. maybe todays the day...famous last words.
  16. Addicted too life: Day 10 triggering loved ones

    The fight with addiction is a tough one that we as addicts face in our day to day lives. The most challenging, life threating battle we will ever face. Its not just one day, victory, fights over, its one day, victory, the next day, and whether we win or lose that day is really ultimately up too us, but the same as yesterday, the battle will always continue tomorrow. The fight is easier if you find people in your life who can help support you in this long, tiring journey, but the same can be...
  17. had a 4 gram relapse yesterday.

    I just couldent take it anymore.. I had forget who I am.. so 4 gram made me butted as crazy! so my brain has heal because before It took 12 grams to get like this. today I took 1,5 gram again.. hopefully I did not make to much damage with that relapse.. I called my friends first time in 2-3 months and went to town.. wonderful.. My mother said I looked like owl my pupils was HUGE! so back to horrorland.. Peace.
  18. Day 29: Feelin' like shit.

    Hey guys. It's Day 29 and I feel like shit. I'm tired and depressed and I failed at the gym today. I only made it 8 minutes when I was supposed to go 16. I didn't do any weight lifting today either. I just didn't feel like it. I just got my anti-psychotic injections so that might have something to do with it. I've been eating about half what I normally eat so that might have something to do with it too. I dunno. I just feel down and dejected. I wanna get high right now which I haven't in a...
  19. Addicted to life: a new life is born Day 9 relapses

    Its was so fitting for the situation, as i woke up in the morning, i woke up in the dark, alone, and to the heavy rain outside. I also woke up to day one. So im back facing day one. the day nobody wants to come back and face. But im glad it happened though, because this relapse taught me that, more than just alchohal theres people and lifestyles that i have too cut off in order too be successful in this journey. I wont lie, i got cocky, i remember me saying "yeah i can go out, but im not...
  20. Day 28: Four weeks clean!

    Hey everybody. I'm proud to announce that I'm four weeks clean. That's one lunar month. I'm pretty happy about this. It's been a journey. The withdrawal period lasted about a week and was absolute hell. Then I had another week of PAWS-like symptoms. Then finally, once I started getting active, things started to improve. I'm happy to say that I feel the most normal that I've been since I was a kid. I'm not jonesin' for a fix or tearing my hair out with boredom. I'm keeping myself busy all day...
  21. day 2, failed...

    I didnt succeed on the cigarette battle yesterday. I sure am trying though, its just so stressful right now. I plan to use this pack to wean myself off, hopefully that will be easier, my throat hurts from these menthols, i keep getting advice/ tips from neighbors, roll your own for a fraction of the cost, i just dont feel like messing with that. I will get back on that ecig, if i can do it before, i can do it again. stress is a killer. rock on everyone on their journies :)
  22. Day 27

    I used to think I had lots of energy on pills. I could do chores, hang out with friends, go for a walk, whatver.... But what I'm coming to find out is that being off of pills combined with diet and exercise - not to mention copious amounts of caffeine - I have a ton more energy than I ever did on pills. I can goto the gym, hang out with friends, go shopping, do chores, and watch a movie all in the same day. I'm doing all this on a calorie deficit too so I'm losing weight at the same time. I...
  23. Day SIX off Ice/meth

    Woo freaking HOO! Day SIX..I bounced out of bed this morning so pleased I've made it this far. Once I'm through today tomorrow is Day SEVEN and if I can stay off the crap for 7 days.. my God. I just don't need it. I'm beginning to realise I never DID. I've read so many posts by other people that are trying to quit and relapsing or having such a hard time coping with withdrawal and It makes me feel guilty that I have had no cravings yet to speak of and have breezed through this so far..I...
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  24. Addicted to life Day 8: ferociousness of the beast, and understandings

    addicted to life day: 8 ferociousness of the beast, and understandings As the thunder storm wales outside, the beast Amanda Kelley inside of me continues to get stronger, only this time not because im feeding her with addictions but because im remaining sober, and she knows with everyday i remain sober, thats another day closer to her new life. Its raining outside now, perfect for writing this. a loud thunder strike just shook me, and another thunder crackle just woke me up officialy. i...
  25. Will I stay clean?

    Day 7 I’m pretty sure its been 7 days clean now. I woke up to my alarm screaming at me. I did not want to get up. I have work again. Even though I don’t feel like going, it’s the only thing keeping me sane and out of trouble. I’m ashamed to say that my mind has not changed and I’m still seeking. I have an order out to a trusted source that I could not get a hold of recently, which could have saved me time, frustration and not to mention a lot of money. I feel ashamed to even tell you this....
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