Journals

  1. Omg! I think I finally get it....

    I'm sorry for all the confusion(welcome to my world without benzos). Again I am approaching my 3rd day since taking any benzos. I also took my last 1mg piece of suboxone at around 7 am this morning. I did not have a choice with the suboxone as my source dried up. I have been holding steady at 2 mg a day for around four months. I am already feeling the withdrawals from them along with the withdrawals from benzodiazepines. I know I shouldn't be kicking both at once, but things don't always...
  2. Trying so hard to finally be free of this shit called addiction!!!

    Sorry am a bit confused. I wrote what I thought was a journal entry but apparently not lol. I am extremely scattered as I am now approaching day 3 without benzodiazepines. Am I suppose to write everything over again?I feel like such a dumb ass lol. Well I guess I will post this and see if the post I wrote earlier will be there. Thank you ahead of time for your patience.
  3. Employment and self-medication

    About a week ago, I applied for a job that seems almost too awesome to be true. I had applied before, months ago, but submitted my stuff too late. This time I jumped on that fucker as soon as I saw it among the sea of emails from Indeed, Monster, etc. I sent the same resume and cover letter; figured if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Today I got an email offering me a phone interview. Now, based on the job posting, this seems like a more chill place to work than I've ever imagined. To the...
  4. Tapering tianeptine sulfate

    I have been off Kratom for about 1 week. I think I did have some restlessness and insomnia but have not noticed any significant mood symptoms so far. I did, however, notice significant mood symptoms when I went down on the tianeptine too quickly. I asked some people knowledgeable about withdrawal symptoms with that substance and apparently dropping to quickly can cause significant depression. Therefore I am dropping slowly now and may stabilize on a small dose that is easy to come off. I am...
  5. stims have cooked me again

    the stims are poison. I've known that for a long time. I must like to forget it because I always do. it must be something fun to remember so that's why my brain keeps making me forget it. it wants me to have fun. my brain wants me to have fun. that's so thoughtful. I can't believe I ever doubted the motivations of my brain. I can't believe it's a new day today. to many cents in these words. it's not really a new day though, is it? it's the same day as yesterday. it hasn't ended so it's...
  6. Fallen...

    I ripped down the curtains and smashed all the glasses. That wasn’t enough, so I called a friend. Who knew a friend. An hour later, we’re rollin up on McDonald’s and I’m scoring a buck of soft. Seemed real promising in power form. Can trick you, sometimes. Got back, threw some on the fire and a fair amount came back. Didn’t even burn my chore, I was so eager. Took a puff and ... nothing. No high. Happens sometimes. Too much lavamisole, too little cocaine. Goddamn it. I fell off the wagon...
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  7. Down today...

    He wants to wait. Apparently, I am still sullied from the coke bender 2 weeks ago, and the black tar I smoked with a friend last week. I am sullied, unclean, too toxic to support life. I thought what mattered was staying clean upon conception. I’m 39 years old. The clock ticks faster every day. I should bury this wish, put it in a shoe box and shelve it with all my other losses. Who am I kidding anyway, I have MS and probably don’t have 18 good years. It’s selfish of me to want that baby....
  8. I'm still here...

    Well this is supposed to be day 12.. but I've had 2 occasions where I drank. So now it's day 3 again. I'm so disgusted with myself. But I'm trying not to dwell on that negative feeling. Were there any triggers? The first time was a crappy day at work. (I work in an understaffed pharmacy) and my son's 23rd birthday same day. But no excuse really. I actually told my son I wouldn't drink it all (bottle of wine) but did. Then I half filled it with water and put it back in the fridge so he...
  9. I want to talk about things.

    First entry. I will try my best to not go overboard and compose my autobiography start to finish in one sitting. I have been seeing therapists off and on for the last 15 years. I started seeing someone during my freshman year of high school when I suddenly realized how awkward I felt socially. Simultaneously I lost almost any sense of self confidence and self worth went out the window also. Not that strange for a chubby 14 year old girl with 2 alcoholic parents. My father is not from here....
  10. Our War - if we do not unite, they will let us suffer

    Every single day, 130 people die from opiate addiction. Trump's solution is to blame the addicts and further weaponize the police. The death rate is, surprisingly, not going down. The current plan is, from what I hear from my doctor friends, to wait out this 'third wave' and the upcoming 'fourth wave' of addicts. The thinking goes, doctors and pharma created the problem by marketing and selling heroine in a pill. But it happened in the way all of capitalism happens - by product. Each wave...
  11. On Suboxone

    For those who are not on life-threatening amounts of heroine or fentanyl, perhaps consider my experience. I will put the conclusion forward: if you are in a place where they are giving you suboxone, and you have never had a near-death experience, FIGHT! FIGHT YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT BECAUSE THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE! Suffer now or suffer forever... Suboxone took whatever was left of my life and annihilated it. It took no prisoners. My psyche cracked, my strength disappeared. I no longer was...
  12. What’s next?

    I am in love with this man. He is fabulous. A fucking rockstar scientist. I want him to tattoo his dna into my body... He doesn’t use. I won’t use. I’ll be ripe, fecund. I want to mate with him like an animal, and live happily ever after. I’m smitten.
  13. Small victories

    Woke up after a thorough night's sleep and didn't feel the usual not-quite-cravings. Saturday mornings for the past few months have involved a sort of Christmas morning-like excitement, a feeling in certain parts of my brain best described as "YAY! TINA TIME!!" But not today. (Probably because I used some only a few days ago, not just last weekend.) But whatever the reason, I decided to quickly eat breakfast and take a full 200 mg modafinil as a deterrent, which was my plan for this weekend:...
  14. Pets so help

    I've had pets most of my life. I currently have a 1 and a half pound jersey wooly bunny named Princess Fuzzy Butt. When I have bad days, flashbacks, irretractable pain, she's sometimes the only thing that keeps me going. People who don't get it may think someone as damaged and emotionally fragile shouldn't be responsible for a pet, but she's so sweet and loving and helpless, I can't help but take the best possible care of her. Animals are just like family members to me and, when they die, I...
  15. Back on track...

    Well. Last week was a roller coaster. Met up w a ne’er do well for what was supposed to be a harmless night of ketamine. Rule one of sobriety: 1. Cut out the riff raff I didn’t heed my own warning. Hopped a train only to find the promised ketamine was not available. Oh, but cocaine was! And, what was the harm, without a pipe, said I. 2. Stay away from your DOC My buddy there, being a dope addict, had a plethora of shiny new rigs from the needle truck. Great. I’ll just bang a few...
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  16. 1 step forward, 2 steps back

    Alas, sobriety is not an easy assignment for me. The kratom I used to quit suboxone has become a daily habit at dosages that make me uneasy, especially since I am not sure how kratom converts to opiates in terms of strength. I know I am on enough to feel crappy every morning, which cannot be good. On the other hand, I am much more motivated and interviewing for jobs again. The stuff is legal... and even at my high dosage, tapering is possible. I could just go down 5g every week and...
  17. I've lost touch with myself

    I've lost touch with myself. I'm not the person I used to be. I'm currently still off meth, but I just don't know who I am anymore. Addiction has turned my world upside down. It has changed my life more than I could possibly have imagined anything to ever be able to. Why must I continue to think so much about the one thing that is burning my heart and my mind. I just wish I were on the other side. I just wish I could go back in time and change it all around. I just wish..
  18. So how's that whole "moderation" thing going?

    In 2 words, not well. I stupidly snorted a bump or 3 last night because I felt like shit and I knew Tina would make me feel better. Then I took my nightly imipramine. Then I proceeded to lie awake for several hours, trying to slow my heart rate and decrease its subjective contractility via slow, deep breathing. It did not work. I got maybe 2 hours of sleep, awoke an hour before my alarm feeling more awake than I usually do after 9 hours of sleep, and said to myself, well, I'll need to stay...
  19. 24 hours no Kratom

    Yesterday I dropped the last 1/2 gram of Kratom. I had also tried decreasing the tianeptine sulfate to 250mg for a few days, but that resulted in a pretty severe drop in mood and motivation. I was pretty shocked about how much of a profound effect this decrease had on my mood. I had all of these bad anxiety thoughts that were hard to manage. I sought out guidance from some folks who were also taking tianeptine sulfate who had been tapering off and they said to taper off very slowly and...
  20. 4th week tapering Kratom

    I've tapered down to 1/2 gram, had one set back when I took a gram after I had to put my cat down. I was devastated, my poor sweet cat had to be put to sleep so she would not suffer. It was the hardest decision I've ever made. Now I'm at 1/2 gram Kratom in the evening and have only been taking 250mg tianeptine sulfate and I have felt very depressed the last few days. I'm considering doing a Ketamine infusion tomorrow, but those are so short lived. I will get approval for more TMS, but...
  21. SITREP: FUBAR

    EdHowzitgoin, everybody! Military acronyms- SITREP: Situation Report FUBAR: Fucked Up Beyond All Repair PSYOPS: Psychological Operations I don't need Moses to lead me in aimless circles thru the wasteland, following my own footprints in the sand. I can be my own Judas goat. I can be yours too. It ain't a problem. It's no imposition. I got got it all figured out, how to have my cake and eat it too, don't need a GPS recalculating my road to chemical SALVATION (lies) 2.2 kilometres straight...
  22. Accomplishments

    I paid my phone bill, applied for a job I really really want, was on time to my psychiatrist appointment, bought some art supplies but not before remembering I had a gift certificate for the place I bought them, didn't eat too much ice cream, and took out the garbage. However, my psychiatrist does not recall suggesting Vyvanse and "only uses that for ADHD." So much for cheap amphetamines. Modafinil is a lovely drug. I should probably be grateful anyone's willing to prescribe me controlled...
  23. Damn Dangit!

    Been a while since I last checked in on my journal. My commitment to sobriety is still the rollercoaster it was a couple months ago. I was going really well, I hit 3 weeks clean and then was triggered and used again. I kept using regularly, most days, again for 3 weeks but I hate what its doing to me, I hate how it's destroyed my level of health I used to have and yet again, I hit that realisation once more last weekend. It was time to pull my head in once more and I'm currently one week...
  24. I'm okay, you're okay....

    And if this weekend is not the weekend on which I abstain from a vice or three, that's okay. To be honest, I think I have too much dopamine in my brain to beat myself up. Which is...good? I think this experience has also made me more sympathetic towards people who use drugs. Any drug: meth, crack, heroin, cathinones, compressed air, we're all human beings who deserve respect, no matter what we use or how often or why or how we pay for it. I just remembered I brought home some oxycodone,...
  25. Day 4 of the Journal

    Well I made it through day 3.. today should be okay because I have work tomorrow and have to be on the ball. I've rocked up at work with some horrendous hangovers and managed to hide it.. made a pact with myself that I wouldn't do that anymore. I've broken this pact of course too many times to count. But not today! Since I started this millionth attempt at abstinence I've not had too many withdrawal symptoms luckily, apart from the mother of all headaches. It's like a 4 day hangover so I'm...
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