Journals

  1. Just Gone 5 Weeks

    Well, it's just gone 5 weeks since I made the decision to stop using meth. In that time I've ended up using again twice and went through the most hellish two weeks of my life; going through withdrawals and physically recovering from the drain of using nonstop for almost 12 months. I've also been emotionally and mentally unstable with unpredictable up's and down's which has proven exhausting. I can't believe how quickly this time has gone and that I'm here now and able to reflect back on...
  2. My Choices Today

    What I chose to do today to enable better tomorrow: The cash on hand I received for my housesitting this weekend I put in a savings envelope. I used to do this when I worked my casual cash in hand job in 2017. I was at uni full time and working anywhere between 10 - 20 hours a week. I saved over $2000 and kept the money in my bedroom the entire time. I never touched it once. The other times I recently got paid for this job I have wasted on drugs; the first on meth and the second for weed. I...
  3. Started again

    Like the title says. But I am not gonna beat myself up as I quit smoking cigarettes after forty years cold turkey and I think meth had something to do with it. I am not saying it’s a great route to go but it definitely helped. I didn’t have any withdrawals from cigarettes and for some odd reason I have been able to stay away even when previous triggers hit. So for that I am proud of myself. No more cigarettes after forty years of one plus pack a day. I will be stopping the glass pipe...
  4. My recent insight and subsequent concern into effects of my use and my willingness and strength to do better.

    22 years old, I often find that when I use meth, I actually get very open and reflective causing me a deep sadness about what I am doing to myself. It's almost a funny paradox like I use then I spend time in my head even in the initial high analysing myself and looking at myself in ways that would appear smart, however my actions remain the same and the end of the day and that needle full of glug is unfortunately driving me insane. I am starting to not make sense especially when on it and I...
  5. Dope-free day 5

    Ah, I forgot how wonderful it is to find relief... thank you, Suboxone ♥️ So yesterday, I had to go to a suboxone clinic on the south side of the city, far as hell from my apartment, because the psychiatrist at my treatment center didn’t like the idea of me using medical cannabis with buprenorphine. I GUESS I understand... but cannabis helps me cope with side effects from the medicine I take for my seizures, lamictal. Both my appointment and visit with the doctor yesterday were NOT covered...
  6. Feeling So Lost

    It's that feeling again, its sinking deeper into my chest. Feeling heavier with increasing depth. I've been so unwell. Sick again, flu virus out of nowhere. When it first came on at the start of the week, I felt really flat. I didn't make much of the morning as i flopped back into bed a couple hours after i woke up. I was dead to the world from about 1 that afternoon until 11 next morning. And I've felt miserable since. I've got a bit of energy back but a nice chest infection to keep me...
  7. Still going to therapy

    I have been going once a week to a good therapist, not the best I have had but good. I am starting to think I may need an in patient program. The last 8 weeks have been interesting and good really. I used my pain meds properly and drank alcohol 1 time. That changed this last time, which was last week. I got my script. Didn't save enough for a taper and the circle of depression and addiction continues. I am so down on myself and have been for the last few days. I know most of it is...
  8. DOPE FREE: DAY 4, take 2

    Alright. I’ve got 3 days. Still no suboxone. Hoping to get some help from a different clinic this morning. Everything will be ok. I can do this. Gotta stay strong. Time to go to the south side of the city to get some help. Hope someone will help me. This country’s health care system is fucked. Opioid and heroin epidemic... how about we make treatment AVAILABLE TO EVERYONE WHO NEEDS IT? I have HEALTH INSURANCE AND CANT FIND A FUCKING SUB DOCTOR? The psychiatrist at my treatment center...
  9. My People Skills May Need a lil Work

    3-13-19 Howzitgoin, everybody! Bout 3 weeks ago I hadda $250 to have a new windshield installed in my '79 F-350 after my naber smashed it by heavin a decorative landscaping block thru it. He's a drinker but he can't hold his alcohol. Cops aint gonna do shit.8 I got ready for work late this morning cuz we'd hadda lil rain bout dawn, so it wasn't until 930-10am that I saw he'd done it again last night. Cops came out again and gimme another piece of paper. I was writing the above paragraph...
  10. If I Had My Chance Again

    If I had my chance again meth, I would never have inhaled that first breath. But you captivated my senses while stealing my soul, And every time I walk I still hear your seductive call. How can it be with all the filth that you are, Could make people kill just to get a little more? But still your corrosive and toxic nature, Greedily consumes one victim after another. When will you be satisfied you horrible demon? The rich, the young, the wise and the poor man , Doesn't matter who no life...
  11. DOPE-FREE: Day 2, Take 2

    So now I'm on day 2. And things are getting hard. I figured that because I only used for 3 days, I wouldn't get sick. Boy, was I wrong. It's not excruciating, and I've experienced much worse... but it's bad enough that I don't want to leave the house. Restlessness, depression, nausea (I can't even get a cup of coffee down), just feeling hopeless... To top it all off, things aren't going well in my relationship. My boyfriend is struggling to trust me, and to trust that I want to stay clean....
  12. DOPE-FREE: DAY 1, Take 2

    Back to another day 1. Broke down and told my boyfriend about my relapse; he mentioned how proud he was of me... how was I supposed to hold it together? I fell apart, and told him the truth, right then and there. Back to treatment (outpatient). Relapse sucks. The shame is terrible. But fuck, it feels so good to have it off my back, and to let others know.... just the freedom that comes with no longer hiding something. Especially knowing that what I’m hiding will only hurt those I love. But...
  13. Still on Struggle Street

    Still finding each day a challenge. I’m still so exhausted. Roughly 8 days now since I last used and I think my body is really struggling to readapt this time. It’s an effort to think about getting out of bed. I found myself dealing with pretty bad hayfever over the weekend too, and I’ve noticed that since it first hit on Friday afternoon, my energy has not been the same. It’s bowled me for 6, to say the least. Maybe my body’s copped enough blows now and already having chronic fatigue its...
  14. Same Shit, Different Day

    Hey guys. So, I guess you could say I “fucked up”... meaning I picked up some dope and started using again. But hey, I don’t mind, doesn’t bother me. In fact I LOVE it. But my boyfriend wouldn’t. He would be ashamed. He would be incredibly disappointed, upset. He would lose faith in me. He would leave me. I lied to him about where I was going and what I was doing. Maybe I’m meant to be single and alone, after all. Maybe that would be better than feeding him lies. Is this ok? Should we just...
  15. Write Up

    3-10-19 Howzitgoin? I blew thru 8 trees in just 2 days, movin fast, pushin hard, and I sustained lotta lil superfluous injuries, none of which meant shit, but the accumulation of which had me down for the count this morning. I overslept, woke up disoriented and groggy and stiff and sore, so I called my client to inform him that I'm takin the day off to regroup a lil bit. Fuck it. Last night I lost my internet and restored it this morning. I found myself wonderin if I'd be missed if i...
  16. Forgive Me Because I'm Craving For It

    Still feeling pretty average today, recovery wise. One of my nephews was around earlier today and we had a lot of fun playing dominoes with my mum and then we did some crafts together upstairs on my decking. I seem to have invested a lot of my focus and energy on revamping the setup going on up there this week. I re-potted a little pink Dianthus I bought from the local fruit shop yesterday into a bigger and nicer, permanent home. I already had a couple of potted Cordylines, an Aloe Vera...
  17. (still) Anti Social

    This is going to be heavy on the self pity. Im going to be all over the board this afternoon, but hopefully it will help to write. Its one of those days when I really dont feel like doing anything. I went for a run, meditated a little, yet I remain ambivalent about everything. Pointless. Things just seem pointless. I hung out with friends last night. All they do is joke about trivial things while they drink and smoke and dont take care of themselves, and Im the idiot because I still...
  18. Blind Hog

    3-8-19 Howzitgoin, everybody! Today was my first day back to work in about 12 days. It's surprising how quickly I fall outta shape when I take time off work. I got banged up a lot today, smashed a couple fingers, took a shot to the head that rang my bell pretty good. But all in all it wasn't a bad day and it didn't totally suck. And that's cool cuz today I achieve one month's abstinence from the hielo. I guess even a blind hog finds an acorn sometimes. I had mentioned to somebody on here...
  19. Long Week

    It's been a shit week.... When I first got off the meth recently that first week or so, every night I felt troubled by a gut feeling that I was close to my last chances and it helped drive me on. I've not had any more since I fucked up last weekend but this whole week I’ve just felt so horrible. A lot of the time I seem to feel empty and lost optimism. It feels like how a comedown used to when I only used occasionally. Only it's a whole lot worse and lasting a whole lot longer... Plus...
  20. Thursday 7th March

    I am like a bad record. Same again, round and round, on and on. Wednesday was coke free, it was lovely. Thursday I picked up and felt anxious and stressed all evening from it. Missed the gig I wanted to go to with my friends, to stay home by myself for a few hours to binge. It is now 3:45am (Friday morning). For the first time though, I felt bored and done with coke by the end of the night. I can't be arsed with it. It is destroying me. Deleted all dealer numbers. 2pm - 2am: 1.5g I can...
  21. The Detox

    Over the past 3-4 days I’ve been using Subutex to prevent WD from a six year multiple opiate habit with mostly daily alcohol use that has me on the edge of losing everything. I’ve been documenting in the Buprenophine forum and now have moved here So far I’ve used 16-24 mg/day of Sub ona short taper that will be done in two days. I also have some Xanax and Gabapentin as well. The caveat is that I’ve used a bit of H over the past few days and drank some alcohol, but those have been...
  22. Write Off

    3-6-19 Howzitgoin everybody? I hope all y'all are havin a decent day that don't totally suck. My DOC has changed. I've actually remarked on the subject a few times lately. This DOC has an impact on pretty much all aspects of my humble existence and, in common with all of my chemical love affairs, it began years ago during my rebellious youth. It's a sporadic on/off, hot/cold, up/down kinda thing, sometimes servin as my DOC and other times rankin lower than the hielo, jalle, alcohol,...
  23. Tuesday 5th March

    Monday was drug free. But I gave into myself this afternoon. It seems I can get through a day or two without picking up, but then I feel suffocated in cravings, and give in. Did lots of work, but turned up late to dinner at our flat. I was so nervous and paranoid when I eventually arrived. Could hardly eat or make conversation. I used to be so organised and proactive. My addiction causes me to be a let down to my friends. Nose is noticeably loud today. Friday after work I will go to NA....
  24. 1 Year clean and free from Buprenorphine/Opiates

    1 year ago today, I decided I was sick of my day to day life dependent on having pills. I took my last dose and prepared for a ride through hell. I had read so many horror stories of people trying to quit so I was absolutely scared to death but subutex for 5-6 years and opiates for a few years before that had saturated my body. Something had to give! I jumped from an average daily dose of 24-28mg and these horror stories I read were from people jumping off at less than 2mg a day. I was just...
  25. 04/03/19

    First entry..! Got to face the facts. 2g Saturday 2nd March 1g Sunday 3rd March My nose whistles, and is super blocked up. Quite hard to breathe. It is 2:30am (not actually that late compared to usual binges). 1g 7pm - 12. Must bite the bullet, and try an na meeting this week.
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