I feel the need to communicate this. Other than that I am not sure why I am writing or what I wish to accomplish other than my fucking brain being normal again.
Suboxone. SUBOXONE! of all things. Long story short: a friend who is in an unstable recovery was pretty liberal with her Suboxone. She would give me ten 8mg strips at a time. So for about three months I was eating two to three of these strips almost every day (16-24mg), with the occasional day or two where I had none. We stopped being friends and I thought "good riddence, worst thing about this is no more suboxone meh, no big deal". Well a few days with NO SUBOXONE not any at all, and the mild withdrawals I expected got worse and worse. Physical stuff I can handle, throwing up, shakes, diarrhea, always cold, blah blah. It is the pain in my mind that is messing me up. Doing almost anything hurts mentally. It requires a lot of focus. I had a hard time filling out the forum registration yesterday. I have been downing diphenhydramene and sleeping a whole lot and that seems to be helping.
Some history: I am someone who would occasionally eat oxycodones and so on but never made a habit out of it. My worst mess ups with drugs were too much acid when I was younger, a fentanyl habit and a poppy seed tea habit. The last two I got wds from when I stopped doing them and learned to use in moderation though I never fooled with fentanyl after that.
Those last two times also I was married, in a strong family environment, and had a good stable job. So Withdrawals were bad in themselves, but all I had to do was go on autopilot and things were ok. Last summer though, my wife left to a different state (12 hours away) and took two of my young kids with her, effectively kidnapping them. Nothing I can do about it without the money to fight for custody. My job is no more because I couldn't afford childcare and I have to find something daylight when the kids are in school. I am running out of money, maybe have enough left for another months worth of food and bills.
So being in wd right now is a no go and the feeling of hopelessness and depression is in hyperoverdrive. Yet here I am. From suboxone.
Anyways I'll start my journal with yesterday, a couple days after going from 16-24mg a day to none.
I'll call that day 1 cause it is when stuff started to get bad.
Woke up from a horrible dream about my ex. What was horrible is that she was being hostile and abusive but it seemed like she was coming back and that made me happy. The night before that I took two 5mg oxycodones and drank and unhealthy amount of poppy seed tea. That night wasn't so bad. So I woke up from that dream with some pretty intense joint pain and the stunning reality that she and my girls are really gone forever. And I otherwise felt like crap. Unable to focus at all. Took a big effort to fill out the forum registration here.
I was on the couch all day (till about 2pm) with my head under the blankets awake and kind of just trying to not realize I exist so much. Woke up and checked my phone and I see I missed a call from a good friend. She is someone is has been in successful stable recovery from heroin addiction, for years. I love and respect her and we were on the way to being a thing some months ago until she ran into some medical problems and I ran into some working way too much problems and we saw each other less and less to the point of only texting a couple times a week. Well things were picking back up with her and she has been asking me to take her out. A lot. I couldn't call her back like this even though I know she would help me. I am left not only feeling deeply ashamed (couldnt even look her in the eye right now) and also wondering if I am actually good for her given the fact I went and stupidly got addicted to fucking suboxone.
I got up and got dressed and went out to buy cigarettes and diphenhydramene. That was a bad trip. Too much sun too many people. Felt their eyes on me and made me reflect how many steps from being homeless and alone am I really. Got home and smoked cigarettes and drank coffee and downed diphenhydramene. I progressively felt mentally better as the day went but physically worse. My body is trying to flush something out through every hole. Sometimes explosively. Evening came and the sun went down and after some unknown hours I crawled back on the couch and hid myself in the darkness and in the warmth of a massive comforter and thick warm soft fur of my mastiff.
Same kind of dreams last night. Woke up thinking ftw. Bad friend is calling me non-stop. Good friend I haven't called though I did text her yesterday. The need to talk about this is overwhelming. I have yet another recovering friend who I know I could call and wouldn't judge me though I haven't really talked to her for a long time and would feel a little weird contacting her out of the blue about this. Got my cigarettes and another bottle of diphenhydramene. Am looking at this more like the flu and trying to focus on the idea that I need to just recover and then bounce back into things. Give myself a break and not try to do everything at the same time only to fail and not do any of it anyways and feel like shit.
Today I am probably going to sign up for unemployment and will pretty definitely look for some kind of support group. Online anyways, I am not ready to be out of the house for extended periods. I still feel like shit, am still flushing everything out, joints hurt, sunlight hurts, ideas hurt, memories hurt thinking of the future hurts, thinking of my friends hurts. I'll write more later. For now I am going to hit more diphenhydramene and lay on the couch and try to not be.