Today. Still clean, painfully so. Some realizations: I have been heavily buzzed on either valium, xanax, opiates, or alcohol (or Suboxone most recently)almost every single day for the past four years. My method was to rotate my substances so I wouldn't get physical addicted to any specific thing. The fentnyl and poppy tea and recently, Suboxone, are exceptions. So here I am today, yet again with that sucking feeling right in the middle of my head, like dying of thirst and going over and again to an empty well. My friend encouraged me to throw away my pills and pods. So I did. But there was a nice chilled half bottle of 100 proof vodka in my freezer.
My fucking hands were shaking so bad that I could barely text her. I chucked the bottle in the garbage while cleaning the kitchen. I went and looked at it there in the garbage a couple times. It is still there, I won't touch it but its weird just how THERE it is despite being in the trash.
Despite having zero energy and feeling like shit I had the most productive day in a good while. Clean house, clean me, bills paid. Easter set up and ready to go for the kids tomorrow. Big dinner with older successful tomarrow at a fancy restaurant and I am really dreading it. But I'll go. Kids should be around family, especially when their dad has been a ghost the past week.
I looked at myself in the mirror after taking a shower. It was the first time I took a good long look at myself like that in a few months. Last summer when it was mainly vodka I was well into my body building program and would occasionally see myself in the mirror and be like, "oh nice hahah", so happy to normally be the guy with the best body at the beach or pool. Despite a failed marriage and wife who bounced a few states away, I was hot and as superficial as it sounds, it was something. Last few months though I would catch a glimpse and be like, "ugh" and just not think about it.
I gotta get that back minus the vodka.
I still don't know what this is. I asked my friend why I am I doing this to myself and she said we do it for a better life. Later I thought about it and realized I am doing this because I refuse to be anythings bitch, even a substance. Its why the vodka went in the garbage. A big chink in my armor, gotta go.
Now I just gotta stay clean, obey my higher self, get my body right and my mind will follow.
bahaha ya right.