A ghost trying to come back (Suboxone) - Part 6

By gahsostupid · Apr 7, 2015 · ·
  1. Yay another day clean. Dealing with normal every day things that were a breeze when I was high. Like just being ok in the moment and doing what needs done and being content with it. I am a less warm gentle and loving person. Far more focused and easily irritated. I don't like that. I think to some, like me, a buzz is like medication. We lack whatever it is that other people have in their minds to make functioning feel somehow rewarding? It is a crutch and I know it and now I remember being ok with needing that crutch if it meant a better life. BUT, I remember thinking of bad friend...the one who gave me all the suboxone (yay avoided abbreviation there haha).

    I remember how she didn't like to leave her house and despite seeming to have an awesome list of cool things as interests she seemed passionate about none of them and just seemed like a shell of a person. A bloated shadow that would scream like a baby being crushed any time the light shown enough to make her see herself underneath there. Normally when she didn't get her dose. She was a mess without that. Fuck that. Not for me.

    So none of this makes sense and emotionally, in the moment, I still don't know why I am not using. I know I am following a higher purpose that I established when in a stronger state of mind, in my better self as it were. So I'll follow that doggedly like a slave. Slave self chained to something, gotta be. Best to a higher self than anything outside I guess. Maintaining some illusion of independence. A worthy goal I guess even if all for naught in the end.

    gahsostupid added 1 Minutes and 26 Seconds later...

    Dunno how to edit my post but I wanted to ad a thanks to sleepynurse. Support is huge, even if from an anonymous person across the internets. :)

Comments

  1. Kitts
    Hey Gah,

    What an inspiring post. I could do with adopting some of that positive attitude myself. Having enough trust to listen to my own intentions and follow them instead of sabotaging myself at every turn. Well done for making it over a week clean.

    Another supporter for you over here. Sending you good wishes for today.
  2. Cmenot
    Physical workouts can help a lot.. You should start working out again, it releases endorphins and will make you feel great! Start slow, just 5 minutes if you can manage it! You're doing very well!!! After you get through this, you can take a look at WHY you keep self medicating.. are you treating an underlying depression? Maybe a painful past? Its something to think about...
    You do have a very good attitude!!
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