You start out as a tree trunk that use to be full of limbs and leaves, different branches to sit in, many paths to take to the very top, where you would look down on everything and feel accomplished that you made it so far up! One of your limbs suddenly starts growing a fungus and it hurts so bad that you ignore it. My DOC distracts me from the fungus grow in up me, spreading, getting worse and worse. My DOC leaves it bare. Lets the fungus continue to grow, tells you its gone now, you arent thinking about it are you? So you keep using, letting the fungus kill off your leaves, suck the life from you. One by one it drains the carbon dioxide from your limbs. But you dont notice the destruction. Youre distracted; happy, motivated, not a care in the world! After all, it was just one limb with a little fungus on it, just one branch. Its probably gone now. I dont need to use this distraction anymore. You helped when I needed it. My DOC has always been there for me when I needed to shut off my mind and relax. Thank you, Tina. And as she tells you she's always here for you, you notice a stench.
"Oh God, what is that?"
Start looking around, trying to find that dead, rotten, foul and black- smelling torture. You look down and notice that the fungus has spread. You look out, your branches are crumbling. You look up and theres nothing left, jagged, rotten stumps are all thats left of your once lush, healthy, strong limbs. No more meaty, bright green, beautiful leaves to rustle during a sunny, beautiful day. Its all over you, its taken you over!
"How did this happen", you ask yourself???
I only needed a moment of distraction, I only needed to escape and ignore that one branch for a couple days! Theres nothing left! Youre rotten now. An eye-sore on the landscape. No child wants to explore your hidden paths anymore. You offer no shade from a picnic and offer no solace to a troubled old man. You are about as diagonal as the telephone pole standing 100ft from you. Youre no longer contributing to the human race. You are now evidence of irresponsibility. You now mark the trees around you, and the land you once flourished upon, as hazardous. Something is wrong and is being ignored. Now youre nothing. Youre black, rotted, alone and an outcast on your land, and the only thing that will take away the realization, the failed responsibility, the feeling of failure, is Tina. Always there, offering her beautiful, dishonest, betraying, blackened soul. Im nothing now, i want to disappear. I want to erase this blackness thats done nothing but spread to all of my good, healthy, bright and lively parts! I want to feel alive again! Worth it! Proud again! I want to remember that, and go back! Theres Tina, holding out her 'genie- like' foggy, floating, nothingness, offering nothing but platinum plated emptiness! Offering you every bit of salvation that you so badly want. But Tina is deceitful, and we are trusting because all we want is to go back and deal with the disease when it was manageable. We know we cant go back, we cant change what has happened, but we trust Tina, this time for longer. She isnt helping as much as she did before when we only needed a short term distraction. Now she scares you into staying. Makes you believe that no one wants you, and they all want to hurt you, they will if you let them stay. She tells you that shes the only one who knows you, was with you from the beginning. We know shes lying! But we ignore our common sense, our subconscious, our gut! The thing that always saves our lives, keeps our branches alive! Now your judgement no longer exists. Only Tina. She is the only thing that matters now. Youve been rotted to a stump. Fire ants now claim your once spreading, evasive, thirsty roots, as the bones to their intricate homes. Youre nothing now. You have nothing, youve done nothing, youve been nothing. But youll always have Tina. <
My DOC loves me and she'll never let me go, or be alone, and she will never let me feel pain or suffer. I know she's telling the truth. Love doesn't lie and Tina loves me. I love her too, so it has to be true, right? Right?
I don't love her. I loved the idea of a quick fix, an easy answer, a bandaid. I think that I love ME more. I love the idea of my future having spontaneity, I love the choice that is there, and that my life is MY CHOICE. The best thing about a life without Tina, is that I can create any future I want. The unknown is exciting and so endearing. There are only a few paths with Tina, (she decorates them with everything you've ever dreamed of achieving), and I don't fucking like the choices! Spend my life controlling her so that no one knows??? Spend my life doing her where I don't hide or care that everyone knows??? Borrow her from time to time and risk hearing her silver tongue?
I choose me. I choose love. I choose truth. And I choose LIFE.
If you needed to hear this, I hope that you heard it in the perspective that it was written from. Peace is possible and I will find it. Without dope.