Accidental pain addict and how it change everything i knew in life - Part 1

By kyum · Feb 14, 2015 ·
  1. I have been lurking over many many threads on this site over the years and it did some good and unfortunately it did alot of harm and i want to share my story of pain patient to a 1000 mg habit of oxycodone daily. yes i said 1000mg a day not 100. i should also add i dont drink alcohol or do any other drugs, except for small little ball of hashish i was given as a gift a few years ago that i smoke about once every few months. its so old now its like a rock lol. this is why i call myself the accidental addict as i had no idea what oxy was or what i was getting into. this is my story and i will detail what i feel is the best way to get off of it and the safest. withdrawel at 1000mg a day almost killed me. so the second time i learned and changed things and ill explain at the end.

    I want to share how i got to such high daily levels and also why i was even on them and how i came to finally learn to respect and fear them so much that i got my life back again.

    I was at one time a professional motocross racer and came off a massive triple jump landing on my bum and crushing my back. it had good days and bad days so i learnedto livewith it. it was when i started lifting to heavy in deadlifts, that it became everyday pain. and i became a couch potato because i could not stannd up for more then 5 minutes without a leaning on things to reduce pressure on the disk nerve. i went to see many back doctor surgeons they all assured me it would heal shortly, which it never did. they also said if it dont heal they dont want to operate its just to risky.

    finally went back to my gp who had just graduated and taken over from my old gp. i told him the back doctors say surgery is the only way but its very risky and they prefer i manage my pain and not risk. so i asked him what hecould give me. this was my first time ever hearing about a pain killliing drug called oxycodone. he gave me 6 a day and brushed me away.

    i left his office had it filled and used the water in my car and wow just one took all my back pain away. i went home took my bicycle out and did housework and popped one more a few hours later and felt great again.

    i was convinced this was a miracle. i told the gp the succes i had with only 2 pills so he said great and game me 2 months worth, and he lowered my dosage from 6 to 4 a day since i told him 2 was all i needed. i did not mind my pain wasgone why would i need so many like 6.

    I had also just recently met an amazing new girl from thailand that treated me like a god everyday and i loved her sweet heart so much should cook me whatever i wanted and kneeled at my feet in case i wanted something else and she would come to shower my body everyday i climbed in telling me to just relax she will clean my body and for me to just enjoy her touch all the while her face never stops smiling, if i knew now how oxy would blacken her heart and mine in a few short years i would have saved her pure golden heart from the blackness that eventually washed over us.

    after a couple weeks i noticed that 2 pills did not work annymore so i used all 4. then that stopped working so he put me to 6 a day and for a few weeks i was again ok. but now at these high dosages i noticed something strange about me. and my beautiful girlfriend from thailand who was so smart said the words perfectly to me that i was unable to see or notice. she said to me one day while washing me in the shower that im different and that my soul is missing. i laughed it off and said she did not know what she was talking about and joked to her to wash my balls to bring my soul back. she did it but no longer was the smile around on her face she knew i was no what i used to be, but i was unaware and blind to it.

    another turn in my life happens now when those 6 a day dont help anymore and i need more. this was my first experience with withdrawel i was not expecting this and knew nothing of it or ever heard of it. i had now started needing 8 or 9 a day to reach proper pain relif levels and before i knew it i was out of pills early for thefirst time in my life by 2 weeks. its was onlly about 160 mgs a day so withdrwawel was not tobad really but was a lesson to try to avoid it. for 4 days i thrashed aroound the bed and craved the pain relif the pills gave me. i did not go anywhere for 2 weeeks as my back hurt so much and made me very angry and moody to not have my pain relif pills. i bought heat backs took baths all day and over counter medicine for 2 weeks to just get my pain by. i never bothered to ask my doctor early for some because he made it clear he dont dothat, and i respected that and never asked him. hes a good man.

    this part of my life is where i say i opened the door and asked the devil to live with me and my wonderful girlfriend from thailand. just the 4 of us. me, her, the devil, and my pills. by this time she found out why my soul was missing she grew to hate my pills beliving we could find a cure to my back problem. and god bless her heart she took out her own personal savings and sent me to expensive back clinics and private doctors who charged us 900 per hour and she even bought me illegial steroids to inject iin the hopes it would grow back my back. in the end all of them said i was to old for the good stuff and to risky for the good surgerys so nothing changed but god bless her little heart for wanting my soul to return. she always refered to me early on in dating as (peter pan) since i could go from a man to an excited boy in a heart beat and just be so spontaneous and wisk us away to the beach or a road trip. well after oxy came into my life i bought a 60 inch tv and that became my life as i seemed to care about anything buy taking my pain away but the pills would make me lazy and uninterrsted in life for some reason. and then its happened......... no longer would i ever build a tolerance to these pills again i thought because of him. him is a random fellow i ran into who was involved in selling drugs illegially. he told me he could get me as much oxy as i wanted anytime. wow i thought im set. and here is where i really lost my soul as my wonderful girlfriend calls it.

    he was a direct link to street gang who had a near retireement doctor writing huge scrips for them and taking a cut so he could retire a millionaire so this doctor with 1 year left to retirememnt did not fear getting caught. whhat they gonna do take his license away lol? hes done in a year he dont care he just wanted his yacht and his second home in some warm island place every year so getting oxy for practically pharamacy prices became as easy as a text. anythiing i wanted. instant release. slow release. the big boys slow release plus instant release. it would be delieverd to my door from some tattoed up big dude who must have looked out of place every 2 months in our upscale neighborhood. i should mention in my youth i made alot of money and my girlfriends husband died at 27 leaving her 20 million dollars, a fleet of sports cars ans german suvs, and a law firm in california still operating today for celebritites in her name to this day worth millions. i willl say how funny it is to see a multi millionaire woman from thailand stealing kethup packs and recycling bags from safeway to save a nickel lol. i think if she was a billionaire she still would have jus been cheap, its born into her and i admire that in her. we only attended the movies on cheap nights and always snuck our drinks in because she would yell at the cashier for paying 5 dollars for one drink hahahah. omg i loved her i wish oxy never ruined us and her. and im at that part of my life now in this story.

    we were both very honest and very in love, so i even though i did not tell her she came home one day to find me completely fucked up on the couche slipping in and out of awakness. she asked me how that possible and ran to get my pills and she is smart and counted everyone of thosefuckers. but even though i took my 6 of the day from them i also took about 6 or 7 slow release 40s about 30 minutes earlier to time them with my instant releasr to all kick in. she freaked out and i was so fucked up i just raised my arm and said i bouht some pills off a guy and he brough them here. i think i had grabbed around 600 of them of the dude.

    our house is almost 7000 square feet and has many entrances and has multiple levels so she had the locks changed in our bassement and took all my pills and locked them in the basement. i just laughed and grabbed my phone and texted up 1200 oxy pills to my door right now i said and illl give you a tip if you get her immediately. so while shes in the basement garage hiding about 600 pills and she is crying, im fucked up on the couch laughing waiting for the knock on the door in the upstairs garage. sure enough a big tattoed up big guy shows up and i tell him dont knock and dont get out my girlfriend will freak so i walk out to meet him in the upstairs garage and hand him a tip and he hooks me up as fast as my girlfriend tried to help me. that poor wonderful woman was just protecting me and loving me but i lost my soul somewhere and oxy was the boss of me and my body. i tell him to go now and to order me up 1200 more for 6 weeks from now of only strongest shit he can get i tell him no more 20s i dont want that anymore. to him it was easy as ordering from a legit business and sure enough in 6 weeks i had giant bottles of oxy in my closet.

    at first it was amazing, a huge handful and i not only pain free but i was high as fuck every fucking hour of every waking day. i always had enough to up the dosage to keep getting high and i was loving life while my girlfriend had become depressed and relized she lost me. she has stopped showering me and sitting at my side kneeled down while i ate, and we barely talked but i didnt care i was in a magical world.

    then the magic all stopped and i pissed. i had unlimited pills so how many i put into my hand did not matter but at about 1000mg they just stopped workiing. there seeems to be a point where the body says we cant handle or absorb that much opium. so i tried 1300 mg anything to make these fuckers work. nope nothing and i noticed my tonque was hurting, i had put on alot of weight and lazy was beyond an understatment for me.

    my girlfrind was so afraid and depressed she was crying to any family member who would hear how she does not know who i am. i am not the man she met.and she was right i was no where near that man. she asked if i more delivered to the house and because i loved her i could not lie and went and got my stash and i cried and said here just take them all i hate thesethings. and at the time i really did. and finally i seen it. her wonderful smile came out and she hugged me so tight and she asked if i would be willing to quit them. i told her yes but i need your help. she assured me she would and we started our journey of detox and here is the part of the story that i call pain, suffering and death and lots of fear. we had no idea what we were getting outselves into with me being on 1000mg a day and sometimes in an attempt to just catch the slightest feeling 1300 a day.

    i will label the rest withdrawel and detox journel in case people want to skip how i got to this piont and just want to learn from my experiences.

    everyone in my family knew i would just nod off while they talked to me at times, so when it came to this the entire family helped. i had come on here and prepared and read for what was to come so we thought. i learnned later my dosaged were way higher and on them for years with no break would bring more pain then i ever knew a person could witness in life. i gave my girlfriend every single pill i had and she locked them in the basement away from me. i always told her the truth which i find out later is a bit of an odd thing because most addicts lie but i loved her golden heart so much that the mere thought of blackening her heart of my lies was never an optiion. i will say this though if she did not ask i did not tell, but if she asked i always told the truth completely. it never mattered nyways if she took my pills a simple text to the gang members who had their doctor on the payroll meant a thousand oxy at cost at my door in no time.i just didnt tell her i would get more but when she asked i always handed them to her.she had a huge collection lol. i remember one day she forgot to lock the basment and i ran down and stole a few hundred back but she had thousands by then that a few hundred never noticced becasue to replace the level in the bottle so it matched her memeor i would fill the bottem of it with some crap tylenol or aspririn. she never suspected a thing but if she would have asked i would have told her.

    Day1 of first detox and withdrawel and i decided to cold turkey this shit i was cocky and confident it be just like that first times years earlier when i came off of about 140 mg a day. hahahahahah what an idiot i was. coming off over 1000mg a day compared to under 200mg a day is no comparison. regarless i believed it would be so i laid in bed while my girldfriend would come in every 20 minutes asking me what she could do. and here is an example of what a beautfil woman she was in my life. a few hours into i started freezing so she runs into the living room and within a couplee hours knits me a hat, but to make it funny and help me lighten up because i was really getting scared by this point she knits me a giant cock sock haha.she comes in says put this on your head and this one on your cock hahaha. it worked and we laughed and she said ill be ok. i passed out and woke up about 4 hours later and again i got cockey thinking wow this aint shit. little did i know that 2 hours sleep was the last sleep i would experience i almost 2 weeks.

    day 2 detox. i wake up after those 4 hours and my girlfriend is gone and im hurting everywhere. symptoms include running nose, exreme tiredness and weakness. barely able to stand up and walk to bathroom. i sit down and i hear a noise i have not heard in years since i always have a steady constipatiion that was never really a problem and was nice to never have the shits. well today my ass exploded air and green stuff at such high volume i was partly disgusted while being impressed. i assumed it would stop because i had anti shit pills. hahaha my body just ignored those. while on the can i text my girlfriend and she tells me i kicked and punched her all night while rollliing around screaming please please please stop. for the rest of the detox she stayed in her basement coming up when i would start screaming. at this point i was in full out detox and i kept sneeezin over and shittting over and oveer. i started looking for pills and i licked the old bottles just to make this not so instense. i could not get out of bed. my girlfriend ran out and bought me 2 canes as i became to weak to make it to the bathroom.

    day3. she assured i was through the worst. little did she or me know that day 3 and 4 were going to be the worstt yet. i started to go insane slowly because i could not sleep. i would lie down and i would cry. i found something that workds to calm the kicking and screaming for a bit. i started having 15 baths a day. i could not stand so a shower was out of question. somehow i nodded off for 5 minutes and i woke up screaming and i ran into the closet and curled up into a ball and started screaming please no more no moree please no more. our dog came running to my aid and it was so sweet she knew i was sick wanted help. as i laid shiveing, crying and screaming she howled with me and then ran away to find help. she returned with chew toys, balls, and whatever she could find that brings her comfort when she is home alone. i had them all lined up at my feet and a quick warmed heart moment oveer took me and grabbed that little girl and we both just cried and howled till my girldfirnd came running up from the basement asking me whats going on. i told her i cant get up and i dont know how i got here and my legs and espeically hands are shaking and numb. at this point my heart is racing and no matter how much i breathe it seems im not getting any air. my shirt is soaked in tears and they flow down my face as i scream over and over please no more please leave me alone. i was referring to the devil i believed he was in the house and was goiing to kill me. she brought me my 2 canes and she is has a body of a godddes from thailand and weighs 98 pounds . and my canes and her could not getme up i was to weak and wasted. it was then i started pukiing. i rolled on my back to the bathroom while she got a bucket and bag for me. i puked and shit and cried in the bathtubb all night whilee going insanee from no sleep. i was confined to a bed. i hated myself.

    day 4.... by day 4 i had given up. all the fight had left me. i tried to sneak into the basment with by sliding down the stairs while she was out walking the dog i wanted a couple pills to help me sleep or to just make this toruture less severee. but she was smart that door was locked up tight.i crawleed on my knees back up stairs thinking to myself she loves me she will helpright she will give me just one. she comes in the door and i start a conversation of why having one oxy would be really smart. she ignors my entire conversation saying its almost over your almost there. you dont need that oxy its the devil. i hated her at that momment but i also wanted off oxy myself because i knew it was ruining my life so i agreed with her and we hugged and we cried together that soon the devil will no longer live in our house and we will be happy again. i contine a sleepless night of shitting, puking, crying, screaming out loud, kicking twitching, having 20 hot baths every 10 minutes going in then out in then out. my girlfriend would put all my towels and my clothes in the dryer after time i get out and they were cooked so nice and warm i loved that she did that for me. that small pleausre i took from the warmed up cloothes stopped me repeating please stop out loud for a couple minutes which had become my 24 hour speech. which was no longer a quiet plead but an angry assertion that i was going to remove the deveil from this house. get out get out i say you will not beat me as i collapse to the bed crying.

    day 5 its still really bad and i fell alseep for about 5 minutes and i awoke with nightmare of my body floating over top of me about 4 inches just looking so curiously at a man who died in his sleep. this was the worst thing of this entire ordeal it had been 4 days of no sleep and catching 5 minutes meant so much it felt like hours. my girlfriend would time it because i would oonly fall asleep in the hot bath tub and she was always waiting with my dryer freshe warm towels and clothes. how much i get that time. 3 minutes she says. yet again the nighmares keep comming and the dog has now parked her ass beside the tub next to me wanting to do so much for me it was so touching. i would wake up screaming im dead im dying im gonna die im not gonna make it.... and as the dog would run out to alert my girlfriend she would come running up from the basement or the landry room. the dog had an amazing howl and knew how to announce a family member needed serious help. and if any of you have dogs, please love them with all your heart because they barely show it but when it comes down to it they cant do much physcially but if you love them right their heart is yours and they will sleep by your and guard you with love like you never seen. she never left my side and i was never short of chew toys at anytime. i always had first pick even before her. and that always brought a tear to my eye. i told my girlfriend please dont leave no more, please stay with me. i held her so tight i about crushed her little body and i would checck her eyes and she never slept only waiting because i told her if i fall alseep again please wake me before i have these horrible nightmares of me dying again. her and the dog never let me have another again. because as i held her i was trembling like i had addvanced parkinsons diesease. the kicking was replaced with tremors and shakes. so when they stoped she told me she felt my grip loosen up and i started to snore and almost instantly i started shaking my head no go away go away go away. she did really well i never want to live my nightmare death again andd rather stay awake.

    day 6.... omg i can walk on my own with my 2 canes. im so excited i go on the patio and something very odd happens.i experience some sort of disgusting taste in my mouth likee tin can with spoiled tuna fish and pine sol mixed in it. omg its so gross and i come in and my girlfriend hugs me and i tell her she stinks . she is offended and goes shower and changes. and everything just stinks really really bad. she triies cooking me food. yuck i say wtf you do to this. again she makes it. yuck. then she tries 3 separate recipes. now im mad im conviced she is trying some new health food cooking spray and demand i have good old fashioned butter in my food. she uses butter as i stand on my canes and watch herr. i eat it and yuck. wtf is going on food is disgusting. its then i realize somehow the opiates have fuckeed with my smelling and taste. this goes on for 2 days and quite seriously was one of the worst things of the entire detox besides the death nightmares and shakes.

    day 7.... nice i stopped puking and shitting. i ask if we can walk to the end of our driveway. she grabs my canes and i cant make it i come home and lay on the couch disgusted with myselfand wondering if ill ever feel bettteer. the smell and taste is worst then ever. still no sleep in 6 days. i go insane while my dog and girlfriend sleep on the bed they have brought up to lay next to our big bed so they can be there in case i have a nightmare. theylook so peachful but sleep is impossible im still trembling.

    day8 .. so sick being in the house. the taste and smell is still shitty and disgusting but its better. i actually spent the night on this site right here reading about if it would ever go away and i so happy to read it does go away. i feel good and make my first walk to the end of the driveway with my canes and dog and girlfriend. we cheer that im improving and im almost through this.

    day 9 i decide im going house insane and need get out. insomia is still the boss of me and its really affecting my mind bigtime. physically im taking huge leaps forward but mentallly the insomnia is beating me bad.i decidded i need some happiiness or something to just break a smile. just somethig please. i go to my garage my toys are in there. my big rig truck, but thats boring to drive, my 1100 bad motorcycle , no way im to weak to wrestle that thing around and if i crash i cant even walk without canes right now, so i decide to take my sports car out and wow for thefirst time i smiled in 9 days. i came in wokr the girlfriend and told her i need this happiness or i will lose my mind. she is afraid and ask are you sure. i say yes i must, she kisses me and says dont be long and i hope you smile big. she flashes that gorgeouus smile of hers to me and im about as stoked as a 7 year old walking up to disney world for the first time. i jump in rev the corvette motor up and fire up the satelitte raddio and find some old hip hop i could bounce to in the 90s. i cranked the bass up and i felt the motor rumbling the seat and i knew i needed this. i beat the living crap out of my poor sports car that night lol. but i needed that and i recommend to anyone going through this who has not slept in 9 days to please find something that makes you feel like a kid or makes you laught or smile and do it. you need it. its crucial to you keeping your sanity. i come home park it and rent a movie on tv and as usually dont sleep. but things are about to change for the good.

    day 10... since i dont sleep my only excitment is waiting for the dog and the girlfriend to wake up. im happy and proud to show them both i can now walk with no canes. albeit im slow and steady im certainly not normal yet. no more body aches. no more bad smells or tastes and her cooking tastes so wonderful again. i ask her to take a walk with me. we walk past the driveway and to a dead end that start up a mountain. she says dont your not ready. im feeling cocky. lets go im gonna just go 50 feet up to that rose bush. i swear i could hear the rocky theme in my head i had to prove to myself my strong mind till propel my body farther then it can. all i ask is she holds my hand and goes at my pace. she agrees and i start power walking up 10 feet,20,30 ooh fuck what i get myself into this isfucking hard... shut up i tell myself suck it up and do what you ssaidd you would do. 40 feet and im starting to sway side to side and she is getting scared and asking me to please just stop here and go back,, no i scream and just briefly stop and suck air back like i was trapped under water and just hit the surface, im dizzy but i dont tell her this, your 10 fucking feet do it you pussy get up there. i squeeze her hand as hard as i could and i not only charged myself up but i charged and pulled her for the last 10 feet also. i almost collapse and i preteend to hug her but really i needed to to keep me from tipping down that fucking stupid steep hill. she holds me tight hearing me wheezing and breathing and swaying. im so proud because of that and i just start crying i dont reember why but it sure felt good to acompllish something then cry in pleasure that you made it when all odds were against you. and then the most wonderful thing happened to me after this in thiis entire 10 days. i came home and collapsed on the couch telling her i just need to rest i will be fine. and then the next thing i knew i woke up and my girlfried was knitting next to me and she said i had jus slept for many many hours and when i woke it was about time for her bedtime. my brain finally felt refreshed. i felt great i felt normal in eveery way except mentally. i cant explaiin what it was. some call it paws but i dont know i call it more of being high and fucked up for so many years evrery hour of the day and finally not being cloudy and confused and slowed over i would rather call it being clear and talking smart and fast and thinking fast and feeling strong.it was over, it was truly over...... or was it!!!

    kyum added 2 Minutes and 41 Seconds later...

    saved for part 2

    kyum added 0 Minutes and 35 Seconds later...

    reserved part joureny

    kyum added 28 Minutes and 18 Seconds later...

    I was happy again and my girlfriend was happy we had just beat 11 days of cold turkey hell. but there was one problem i still had back problems and i had not felt back pain for years again so it seemed worse then ever. after about a week i asked her for one and the look on her face was of hopelessness and sadness. she said no and argued why and i agreed. but 3 days later i said please just on really bad days i just take one. well evenntually she got tired of my begging and just gave my pills back to me and before you knew it i was hooked agaiin. i felt so stupid i just went through hell and now i know ill have to do it again.

    i got in contact with my dealers and had 12,0000 dollars worth of oxy dropped off. i had bottle after bottle of bottle of the strongest dosages. slowly the girlfriend said she saw my soul disappear and im sad to say she could not take it anymore and losing her is my biggest regret. now i live in this big mansion house all alone after having the perfect girlfriend.

    i was right up to 1000mg to 1300mg in just a few months, but this time my body was not handling it like before instead of constipation i would get the shits and my liver would feel sesitive to the touch. i knew it was making me sick.i decided to get off of it but to do it a differenet way and i believe tapering is the better way then cold turkey but you have to be real honest with yourself and want it or have someone help you with the pills.

    it took a few days longer but it was so much less instense. id I have been lurking over many many threads on this site over the years and it did some good and unfortunately it did alot of harm and i want to share my story of pain patient to a 1000 mg habit of oxycodone daily. yes i said 1000mg a day not 100. i should also add i dont drink alcohol or do any other drugs, except for small little ball of hashish i was given as a gift a few years ago that i smoke about once every few months. its so old now its like a rock lol. this is why i call myself the accidental addict as i had no idea what oxy was or what i was getting into. this is my story and i will detail what i feel is the best way to get off of it and the safest. withdrawel at 1000mg a day almost killed me. so the second time i learned and changed things and ill explain at the end.

    I want to share how i got to such high daily levels and also why i was even on them and how i came to finally learn to respect and fear them so much that i got my life back again.

    I was at one time a professional motocross racer and came off a massive triple jump landing on my bum and crushing my back. it had good days and bad days so i learnedto livewith it. it was when i started lifting to heavy in deadlifts, that it became everyday pain. and i became a couch potato because i could not stannd up for more then 5 minutes without a leaning on things to reduce pressure on the disk nerve. i went to see many back doctor surgeons they all assured me it would heal shortly, which it never did. they also said if it dont heal they dont want to operate its just to risky.

    finally went back to my gp who had just graduated and taken over from my old gp. i told him the back doctors say surgery is the only way but its very risky and they prefer i manage my pain and not risk. so i asked him what hecould give me. this was my first time ever hearing about a pain killliing drug called oxycodone. he gave me 6 a day and brushed me away.

    i left his office had it filled and used the water in my car and wow just one took all my back pain away. i went home took my bicycle out and did housework and popped one more a few hours later and felt great again.

    i was convinced this was a miracle. i told the gp the succes i had with only 2 pills so he said great and game me 2 months worth, and he lowered my dosage from 6 to 4 a day since i told him 2 was all i needed. i did not mind my pain wasgone why would i need so many like 6.

    I had also just recently met an amazing new girl from thailand that treated me like a god everyday and i loved her sweet heart so much should cook me whatever i wanted and kneeled at my feet in case i wanted something else and she would come to shower my body everyday i climbed in telling me to just relax she will clean my body and for me to just enjoy her touch all the while her face never stops smiling, if i knew now how oxy would blacken her heart and mine in a few short years i would have saved her pure golden heart from the blackness that eventually washed over us.

    after a couple weeks i noticed that 2 pills did not work annymore so i used all 4. then that stopped working so he put me to 6 a day and for a few weeks i was again ok. but now at these high dosages i noticed something strange about me. and my beautiful girlfriend from thailand who was so smart said the words perfectly to me that i was unable to see or notice. she said to me one day while washing me in the shower that im different and that my soul is missing. i laughed it off and said she did not know what she was talking about and joked to her to wash my balls to bring my soul back. she did it but no longer was the smile around on her face she knew i was no what i used to be, but i was unaware and blind to it.

    another turn in my life happens now when those 6 a day dont help anymore and i need more. this was my first experience with withdrawel i was not expecting this and knew nothing of it or ever heard of it. i had now started needing 8 or 9 a day to reach proper pain relif levels and before i knew it i was out of pills early for thefirst time in my life by 2 weeks. its was onlly about 160 mgs a day so withdrwawel was not tobad really but was a lesson to try to avoid it. for 4 days i thrashed aroound the bed and craved the pain relif the pills gave me. i did not go anywhere for 2 weeeks as my back hurt so much and made me very angry and moody to not have my pain relif pills. i bought heat backs took baths all day and over counter medicine for 2 weeks to just get my pain by. i never bothered to ask my doctor early for some because he made it clear he dont dothat, and i respected that and never asked him. hes a good man.

    this part of my life is where i say i opened the door and asked the devil to live with me and my wonderful girlfriend from thailand. just the 4 of us. me, her, the devil, and my pills. by this time she found out why my soul was missing she grew to hate my pills beliving we could find a cure to my back problem. and god bless her heart she took out her own personal savings and sent me to expensive back clinics and private doctors who charged us 900 per hour and she even bought me illegial steroids to inject iin the hopes it would grow back my back. in the end all of them said i was to old for the good stuff and to risky for the good surgerys so nothing changed but god bless her little heart for wanting my soul to return. she always refered to me early on in dating as (peter pan) since i could go from a man to an excited boy in a heart beat and just be so spontaneous and wisk us away to the beach or a road trip. well after oxy came into my life i bought a 60 inch tv and that became my life as i seemed to care about anything buy taking my pain away but the pills would make me lazy and uninterrsted in life for some reason. and then its happened......... no longer would i ever build a tolerance to these pills again i thought because of him. him is a random fellow i ran into who was involved in selling drugs illegially. he told me he could get me as much oxy as i wanted anytime. wow i thought im set. and here is where i really lost my soul as my wonderful girlfriend calls it.

    he was a direct link to street gang who had a near retireement doctor writing huge scrips for them and taking a cut so he could retire a millionaire so this doctor with 1 year left to retirememnt did not fear getting caught. whhat they gonna do take his license away lol? hes done in a year he dont care he just wanted his yacht and his second home in some warm island place every year so getting oxy for practically pharamacy prices became as easy as a text. anythiing i wanted. instant release. slow release. the big boys slow release plus instant release. it would be delieverd to my door from some tattoed up big dude who must have looked out of place every 2 months in our upscale neighborhood. i should mention in my youth i made alot of money and my girlfriends husband died at 27 leaving her 20 million dollars, a fleet of sports cars ans german suvs, and a law firm in california still operating today for celebritites in her name to this day worth millions. i willl say how funny it is to see a multi millionaire woman from thailand stealing kethup packs and recycling bags from safeway to save a nickel lol. i think if she was a billionaire she still would have jus been cheap, its born into her and i admire that in her. we only attended the movies on cheap nights and always snuck our drinks in because she would yell at the cashier for paying 5 dollars for one drink hahahah. omg i loved her i wish oxy never ruined us and her. and im at that part of my life now in this story.

    we were both very honest and very in love, so i even though i did not tell her she came home one day to find me completely fucked up on the couche slipping in and out of awakness. she asked me how that possible and ran to get my pills and she is smart and counted everyone of thosefuckers. but even though i took my 6 of the day from them i also took about 6 or 7 slow release 40s about 30 minutes earlier to time them with my instant releasr to all kick in. she freaked out and i was so fucked up i just raised my arm and said i bouht some pills off a guy and he brough them here. i think i had grabbed around 600 of them of the dude.

    our house is almost 7000 square feet and has many entrances and has multiple levels so she had the locks changed in our bassement and took all my pills and locked them in the basement. i just laughed and grabbed my phone and texted up 1200 oxy pills to my door right now i said and illl give you a tip if you get her immediately. so while shes in the basement garage hiding about 600 pills and she is crying, im fucked up on the couch laughing waiting for the knock on the door in the upstairs garage. sure enough a big tattoed up big guy shows up and i tell him dont knock and dont get out my girlfriend will freak so i walk out to meet him in the upstairs garage and hand him a tip and he hooks me up as fast as my girlfriend tried to help me. that poor wonderful woman was just protecting me and loving me but i lost my soul somewhere and oxy was the boss of me and my body. i tell him to go now and to order me up 1200 more for 6 weeks from now of only strongest shit he can get i tell him no more 20s i dont want that anymore. to him it was easy as ordering from a legit business and sure enough in 6 weeks i had giant bottles of oxy in my closet.

    at first it was amazing, a huge handful and i not only pain free but i was high as fuck every fucking hour of every waking day. i always had enough to up the dosage to keep getting high and i was loving life while my girlfriend had become depressed and relized she lost me. she has stopped showering me and sitting at my side kneeled down while i ate, and we barely talked but i didnt care i was in a magical world.

    then the magic all stopped and i pissed. i had unlimited pills so how many i put into my hand did not matter but at about 1000mg they just stopped workiing. there seeems to be a point where the body says we cant handle or absorb that much opium. so i tried 1300 mg anything to make these fuckers work. nope nothing and i noticed my tonque was hurting, i had put on alot of weight and lazy was beyond an understatment for me.

    my girlfrind was so afraid and depressed she was crying to any family member who would hear how she does not know who i am. i am not the man she met.and she was right i was no where near that man. she asked if i more delivered to the house and because i loved her i could not lie and went and got my stash and i cried and said here just take them all i hate thesethings. and at the time i really did. and finally i seen it. her wonderful smile came out and she hugged me so tight and she asked if i would be willing to quit them. i told her yes but i need your help. she assured me she would and we started our journey of detox and here is the part of the story that i call pain, suffering and death and lots of fear. we had no idea what we were getting outselves into with me being on 1000mg a day and sometimes in an attempt to just catch the slightest feeling 1300 a day.

    i will label the rest withdrawel and detox journel in case people want to skip how i got to this piont and just want to learn from my experiences.

    everyone in my family knew i would just nod off while they talked to me at times, so when it came to this the entire family helped. i had come on here and prepared and read for what was to come so we thought. i learnned later my dosaged were way higher and on them for years with no break would bring more pain then i ever knew a person could witness in life. i gave my girlfriend every single pill i had and she locked them in the basement away from me. i always told her the truth which i find out later is a bit of an odd thing because most addicts lie but i loved her golden heart so much that the mere thought of blackening her heart of my lies was never an optiion. i will say this though if she did not ask i did not tell, but if she asked i always told the truth completely. it never mattered nyways if she took my pills a simple text to the gang members who had their doctor on the payroll meant a thousand oxy at cost at my door in no time.i just didnt tell her i would get more but when she asked i always handed them to her.she had a huge collection lol. i remember one day she forgot to lock the basment and i ran down and stole a few hundred back but she had thousands by then that a few hundred never noticced becasue to replace the level in the bottle so it matched her memeor i would fill the bottem of it with some crap tylenol or aspririn. she never suspected a thing but if she would have asked i would have told her.

    Day1 of first detox and withdrawel and i decided to cold turkey this shit i was cocky and confident it be just like that first times years earlier when i came off of about 140 mg a day. hahahahahah what an idiot i was. coming off over 1000mg a day compared to under 200mg a day is no comparison. regarless i believed it would be so i laid in bed while my girldfriend would come in every 20 minutes asking me what she could do. and here is an example of what a beautfil woman she was in my life. a few hours into i started freezing so she runs into the living room and within a couplee hours knits me a hat, but to make it funny and help me lighten up because i was really getting scared by this point she knits me a giant cock sock haha.she comes in says put this on your head and this one on your cock hahaha. it worked and we laughed and she said ill be ok. i passed out and woke up about 4 hours later and again i got cockey thinking wow this aint shit. little did i know that 2 hours sleep was the last sleep i would experience i almost 2 weeks.

    day 2 detox. i wake up after those 4 hours and my girlfriend is gone and im hurting everywhere. symptoms include running nose, exreme tiredness and weakness. barely able to stand up and walk to bathroom. i sit down and i hear a noise i have not heard in years since i always have a steady constipatiion that was never really a problem and was nice to never have the shits. well today my ass exploded air and green stuff at such high volume i was partly disgusted while being impressed. i assumed it would stop because i had anti shit pills. hahaha my body just ignored those. while on the can i text my girlfriend and she tells me i kicked and punched her all night while rollliing around screaming please please please stop. for the rest of the detox she stayed in her basement coming up when i would start screaming. at this point i was in full out detox and i kept sneeezin over and shittting over and oveer. i started looking for pills and i licked the old bottles just to make this not so instense. i could not get out of bed. my girlfriend ran out and bought me 2 canes as i became to weak to make it to the bathroom.

    day3. she assured i was through the worst. little did she or me know that day 3 and 4 were going to be the worstt yet. i started to go insane slowly because i could not sleep. i would lie down and i would cry. i found something that workds to calm the kicking and screaming for a bit. i started having 15 baths a day. i could not stand so a shower was out of question. somehow i nodded off for 5 minutes and i woke up screaming and i ran into the closet and curled up into a ball and started screaming please no more no moree please no more. our dog came running to my aid and it was so sweet she knew i was sick wanted help. as i laid shiveing, crying and screaming she howled with me and then ran away to find help. she returned with chew toys, balls, and whatever she could find that brings her comfort when she is home alone. i had them all lined up at my feet and a quick warmed heart moment oveer took me and grabbed that little girl and we both just cried and howled till my girldfirnd came running up from the basement asking me whats going on. i told her i cant get up and i dont know how i got here and my legs and espeically hands are shaking and numb. at this point my heart is racing and no matter how much i breathe it seems im not getting any air. my shirt is soaked in tears and they flow down my face as i scream over and over please no more please leave me alone. i was referring to the devil i believed he was in the house and was goiing to kill me. she brought me my 2 canes and she is has a body of a godddes from thailand and weighs 98 pounds . and my canes and her could not getme up i was to weak and wasted. it was then i started pukiing. i rolled on my back to the bathroom while she got a bucket and bag for me. i puked and shit and cried in the bathtubb all night whilee going insanee from no sleep. i was confined to a bed. i hated myself.

    day 4.... by day 4 i had given up. all the fight had left me. i tried to sneak into the basment with by sliding down the stairs while she was out walking the dog i wanted a couple pills to help me sleep or to just make this toruture less severee. but she was smart that door was locked up tight.i crawleed on my knees back up stairs thinking to myself she loves me she will helpright she will give me just one. she comes in the door and i start a conversation of why having one oxy would be really smart. she ignors my entire conversation saying its almost over your almost there. you dont need that oxy its the devil. i hated her at that momment but i also wanted off oxy myself because i knew it was ruining my life so i agreed with her and we hugged and we cried together that soon the devil will no longer live in our house and we will be happy again. i contine a sleepless night of shitting, puking, crying, screaming out loud, kicking twitching, having 20 hot baths every 10 minutes going in then out in then out. my girlfriend would put all my towels and my clothes in the dryer after time i get out and they were cooked so nice and warm i loved that she did that for me. that small pleausre i took from the warmed up cloothes stopped me repeating please stop out loud for a couple minutes which had become my 24 hour speech. which was no longer a quiet plead but an angry assertion that i was going to remove the deveil from this house. get out get out i say you will not beat me as i collapse to the bed crying.

    day 5 its still really bad and i fell alseep for about 5 minutes and i awoke with nightmare of my body floating over top of me about 4 inches just looking so curiously at a man who died in his sleep. this was the worst thing of this entire ordeal it had been 4 days of no sleep and catching 5 minutes meant so much it felt like hours. my girlfriend would time it because i would oonly fall asleep in the hot bath tub and she was always waiting with my dryer freshe warm towels and clothes. how much i get that time. 3 minutes she says. yet again the nighmares keep comming and the dog has now parked her ass beside the tub next to me wanting to do so much for me it was so touching. i would wake up screaming im dead im dying im gonna die im not gonna make it.... and as the dog would run out to alert my girlfriend she would come running up from the basement or the landry room. the dog had an amazing howl and knew how to announce a family member needed serious help. and if any of you have dogs, please love them with all your heart because they barely show it but when it comes down to it they cant do much physcially but if you love them right their heart is yours and they will sleep by your and guard you with love like you never seen. she never left my side and i was never short of chew toys at anytime. i always had first pick even before her. and that always brought a tear to my eye. i told my girlfriend please dont leave no more, please stay with me. i held her so tight i about crushed her little body and i would checck her eyes and she never slept only waiting because i told her if i fall alseep again please wake me before i have these horrible nightmares of me dying again. her and the dog never let me have another again. because as i held her i was trembling like i had addvanced parkinsons diesease. the kicking was replaced with tremors and shakes. so when they stoped she told me she felt my grip loosen up and i started to snore and almost instantly i started shaking my head no go away go away go away. she did really well i never want to live my nightmare death again andd rather stay awake.

    day 6.... omg i can walk on my own with my 2 canes. im so excited i go on the patio and something very odd happens.i experience some sort of disgusting taste in my mouth likee tin can with spoiled tuna fish and pine sol mixed in it. omg its so gross and i come in and my girlfriend hugs me and i tell her she stinks . she is offended and goes shower and changes. and everything just stinks really really bad. she triies cooking me food. yuck i say wtf you do to this. again she makes it. yuck. then she tries 3 separate recipes. now im mad im conviced she is trying some new health food cooking spray and demand i have good old fashioned butter in my food. she uses butter as i stand on my canes and watch herr. i eat it and yuck. wtf is going on food is disgusting. its then i realize somehow the opiates have fuckeed with my smelling and taste. this goes on for 2 days and quite seriously was one of the worst things of the entire detox besides the death nightmares and shakes.

    day 7.... nice i stopped puking and shitting. i ask if we can walk to the end of our driveway. she grabs my canes and i cant make it i come home and lay on the couch disgusted with myselfand wondering if ill ever feel bettteer. the smell and taste is worst then ever. still no sleep in 6 days. i go insane while my dog and girlfriend sleep on the bed they have brought up to lay next to our big bed so they can be there in case i have a nightmare. theylook so peachful but sleep is impossible im still trembling.

    day8 .. so sick being in the house. the taste and smell is still shitty and disgusting but its better. i actually spent the night on this site right here reading about if it would ever go away and i so happy to read it does go away. i feel good and make my first walk to the end of the driveway with my canes and dog and girlfriend. we cheer that im improving and im almost through this.

    day 9 i decide im going house insane and need get out. insomia is still the boss of me and its really affecting my mind bigtime. physically im taking huge leaps forward but mentallly the insomnia is beating me bad.i decidded i need some happiiness or something to just break a smile. just somethig please. i go to my garage my toys are in there. my big rig truck, but thats boring to drive, my 1100 bad motorcycle , no way im to weak to wrestle that thing around and if i crash i cant even walk without canes right now, so i decide to take my sports car out and wow for thefirst time i smiled in 9 days. i came in wokr the girlfriend and told her i need this happiness or i will lose my mind. she is afraid and ask are you sure. i say yes i must, she kisses me and says dont be long and i hope you smile big. she flashes that gorgeouus smile of hers to me and im about as stoked as a 7 year old walking up to disney world for the first time. i jump in rev the corvette motor up and fire up the satelitte raddio and find some old hip hop i could bounce to in the 90s. i cranked the bass up and i felt the motor rumbling the seat and i knew i needed this. i beat the living crap out of my poor sports car that night lol. but i needed that and i recommend to anyone going through this who has not slept in 9 days to please find something that makes you feel like a kid or makes you laught or smile and do it. you need it. its crucial to you keeping your sanity. i come home park it and rent a movie on tv and as usually dont sleep. but things are about to change for the good.

    day 10...nstead of 11 days it took around 15. depends how you want it. you want it intense and horrible and near death if your on really high dosages like me or do you want to stretch it out but attually be ablle to get up and walk and eat food. i choose the later and believe its the best way. if your on high dosages cold turkey will make you an insane leg and arm kicker and screamer.

    i want to share that i no longer need dealers and i have to learn how to respect my medicine beacause of my injury i cant be without it.but now when i take it i always talk to my pills and i let them know they are serious mother fuckers and i should not fuck with them and it seems to have controoled my habit with oxy. because at the rate i was going i would have died, and im have to many injurueis to be withoutt something decent. i just wish they could remove the addictive stuff out of this shit

    i have a simple cap of 2 in the morning and 2 at night and if my tolerance has built up then oh welll i nned to sufferr for a day and drop it for a whilee so at least i do have some pain medicinee that works. i am so scared of oxy now.

    kyum added 4 Minutes and 33 Seconds later...

    losing my wonderful girlfriend to this drug was the biggest lesson of all this. she just bear to see my soul eaten up and disappear. for all the real pain patients out theree who have lost becuse of this drug i feel for you.

    kyum added 649 Minutes and 6 Seconds later...

    sorry for the double post inside of the journel but i do not know how to edit my journal im new here. could someone give me a quick explanation please so i can properly delete double sentences.

    kyum added 0 Minutes and 30 Seconds later...

    please help me learn how to edit my post?

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