Adios to a Benevolent Purgatory

By PastorFuzz · Feb 4, 2019 · ·
  1. 2-5-19Howzitgoin?
    I'm writin this entry on the job during my breaks. I'm thinkin this should be the final entry in this, my 2nd journal.

    I do believe the toad who walks on two legs has overstayed his welcome and, judgin by the DF guidelines in regards to journal scribblin, the toad no longer meets the criteria to participate in this area of the site.

    I don't wanna be breakin anymore rules, or bendin them, or paintin graffitti on them or drivin my truck back and forth over them or settin them on fire, etc. I understand the rules and why they exist. They make sense. And they're necessary.

    Journals are for documentin the course of recovery from addiction. I can't truthfully claim to be in any kinda way, shape, or form of recovery right now, nor have I been in quite some time.

    I have no right to post my crap alongside entries written by good and decent people who are in active recovery.

    I did two months clean off meth and opioids in May/June of last year. I did another two months clean off meth while I was absent from DF. During neither of those periods was I ever truly drug-free, except for bein off the hielo. At the very least, I was smokin weed.

    I don't think relapse, which is an accepted aspect of recovery, quite describes the state of my disease. So I need to go. Hopefully i'll be comin back soon cuz I don't know how much longer I can live like this.

    Don't y'all get too damn happy. I ain't leavin DF. I'm just not gonna post journal entries until I begin takin some positive constructive steps toward higher ground. Nuf sed.
    Gnostic13 likes this.

Comments

  1. jazzyj9
    Maybe you are ready for another break off the hard stuff. Maybe it will stick next time. Maybe try to find out what you really want and go out and get it. You’ll have to come off the meth and heroin to find out.
      PastorFuzz likes this.
  2. JaneDeux
    I have an idea the time to give it up will be right for you soon. Everyone knows there's never a good time for such things, just a right time. Only you will know when that comes around.

    When it does, we will be here. In the meantime, I will miss your journal. I look forward to reading your forum posts crafted with a unique version of tough love softened by gentle kindness. You could change your username a thousand times and we would know it was Pastor Fuzz.

    See you in the forums, Jane
      nachofish, PastorFuzz and jazzyj9 like this.
  3. haloperidol
    Well I for one will miss your brilliant, beautiful, posts. But I understand what you say. This is a place for addiction recovery.

    As you struggle, if indeed you are struggling, with the desire to quit or not, I might suggestion the addiction recovery section of the main forum. I feel like there is maybe more room for all stages of recovery, including the pre-contemplation stage! Just a thought.

    What I’m really saying is that I hope to see more of your posts, perhaps in other areas. Don’t deprive us of your talented storytelling and keen insights.

    Wishing you all the best.
  4. PastorFuzz
    Howzitgoin, everybody!
    Thank all y'all! @JaneGault, @haloperidol, and @jazzyj9!
    Your comments in regards to my writin really uplift me more than I can say. I've been a writer off and on for years. All the writin I've done here on DF has inspired me to start writing for myself again and I've been goin strong for bout 3 months or so. I've been workin on a couple articles for a trade magazine that's published my stuff in the past, and I took an old project down from the shelf and began workin on that just for fun and to get back into the rhythm, improve my grammar and hopefully my skills too.

    So it means so much to me that y'all will miss my journal entries. I really enjoy writin them. It's my new DOC. As an addiction it's a lot more harm reductive than dope and the buzz is better.

    I gotta get off the meth again. Then I can start up a recovery journal again too.

    I'd barely finished readin Jazzj9's comment today when I gotta txt from the last gf I had. She's been txtn me the past couple days hintin that she wants to get back with me. I ain't been respondin. My life is better without her in it. But after two days I felt bad cuz I don't wanna hurt her feelins, so I caved and answered her txt today right after I'd read what jazzyj9 wrote. The very first thing the ex-gf txtd was all bout dope and a new connection yadda yadda etc etc shitfuckpiss ugh! I shuda known better. So I blew her off again. I don't need more dope and dope drama and dope hustle and stupid tiresome dope bullshit that she drags everywhere she goes like a damn snail trail. FYI I broke up with her in the first place cuz she was stealin from me and hustlin me to get dope.

    This life is killin me. It ain't been enjoyable in a long time and it leaves me feelin like shit half the time. I don't get high. All I get is not sick. Oh yeah, I get broke too.

    Life is a lot better clean but I hate that life too once the new car smell wears off. Colorless. Oppressive. Depressin, like the life is just sucked right outta everything in sight. Ugh

    You asked me what I want in life, jazzyj9. I don't know now. Nuthin really. Nuthin comes to mind anyway. It's good to be here with y'all, my tribe, my family. It's good to write again. And I love my German shepherd, Angel. She's gettin older.

    But I had everything I ever wanted, the only thing I ever wanted, more than anything else I've ever wanted in my whole stupid fucked up life. For the one and only time ever I didn't need dope anymore. But I lost her and she ain't never ever comin back. It's why came here to DF in the first place cuz I was goin outta my fuckin mind, wanted to just die. DF is what helped get me thru it. But there's really nuthin and nobody else left. Nuthin like what I had. Nuthin like that. Not no more. Not for me.

    I'm right back to bein just a deadmanwalkin again, just takin what happiness I can find, runnin out the clock, waitin to be over, really only content when I'm asleep. Fuck it I'm gettin old anyway. It don't matter cuz I know I'll be ok now. But I know I gotta get clean, off the hielo at least, so damn corrosive on mind, body, and soul, especially for a burnt out old toad that walks on two legs like me.

    I'm glad I'm here with y'all. My tribe. Many many thanx for always bein in my corner no matter what.

    Y'all have a decent night
  5. trdofbeingtrd
    I am so lost.

    An addicts journal can have entries from people who are sober, that don’t mean all people will.

    Hope you have a great night and morning tomorrow.
      PastorFuzz likes this.
  6. jazzyj9
    Is there any additions specialist in your area you could speak with? Maybe a SMART recovery meeting or group? I really believe that your life and health would improve greatly and you would be able to find what you really need inside of you. You won’t need anything or anyone to complete you. That degree of contentment is possible without drugs.
      PastorFuzz likes this.
  7. Mingo123
    Pastor Fuzz, please make sure to tell us when you finish your book - so I can buy a copy and get your autograph. You are a joy to read!

    Most important thing about quitting is have The Reason to quit. Best wishes for finding yours!
      la fee brune, PastorFuzz and jazzyj9 like this.
  8. PastorFuzz
    Howzitgoin,@jazzyj9, @trdofbeingtrd, @Mingo123!!
    Many thanx for takin time to weigh in on the last entry of my journal. I'll have to shift my emphasis to the forums for now.

    Yeah, jazzyj, I'm in the 6th biggest city in the US (I think San Anto's 6th?), so I'm sure we gotta lotta recovery support options. I know we got rehabs, but I've done 3 different in-patient rehabs. No more rehab for me. It hadn't occurred to me to explore that option. I'd like to check into the smart program. That would be something new.

    I'm an old 12-stepper. AA was all there was back in the day. I've been to a meetin or two, but the drunks made up the vast majority of the group's membership and they were prejudiced against us hippie freak dope fiends. With our marijuana cigarettes and disco music, they thot we were communists or devil worshipers or perverts or yankees.

    Many thanx for all the positive feedback on my journal entries. I'm a lil flabbergasted (been waitin to try that word out), cuz I thru all the years I've been writin, very few people have ever read any of my work, mainly just people in the tree care bizness, cuz I've been published in trade magazines associated with that field of work and it's a pretty boring subject to read about. With one or two exceptions, I write for my own amusement and/or fulfillment. It's an art form. It's an escape. It's mentally stimulatin. But nobody reads any of it. It just gets put in a drawer to collect dust. And now I got y'all and DF to thank for gettin me back into it and for showin me how writin can also be a route to recovery; recovery from addiction and also recovery from life's many unpleasant events, such as losin someone close to you. These are areas I'd never explored until I found DF.

    Yeah, Mingo, I would like to write a paperback novel, and I've made a few valiant attempts in the past. That's a huge undertakin for a toad that walks on two legs. Now I focus on soley on content, technique, grammar, etc.

    There's a problem tho. I've come believe that dope inproves my writing the way I used to think I drove a car better when I was drunk, so now I feel like I gotta get high before I write. Shitfuckpiss. It's always something with us dopers.

    I gotta run. I'm workin. Thank y'all again so very much for being such awesome friends to me. You have no idea how important you are to me.

    Have a decent day
  9. JaneDeux
    Try starting a blog, you're a natural. :)
      PastorFuzz and jazzyj9 like this.
  10. PastorFuzz
    A natural what? :)
      jazzyj9 likes this.
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