January 10, 2017
I’ve had thoughts that I might be out of control with Kratom, and I knew I couldn’t take it forever. I managed to put those thoughts out of my mind with another dose every time, until yesterday. I can’t tell you what happened, but all day, no matter what I took, I was achingly depressed, and crying for reasons I didn’t know.
That evening I was lying on my bed, too depressed to move, (those of you who’ve experienced depression or depressive episodes know what I mean). I knew I used to have times like this before Kratom-and knew how to deal with them-but now I’d successfully avoided intense feelings like this for so long I didn’t have a clue. It was then it clicked for me that Kratom was doing me more harm than good at this point. I was terrified to get off-I am terrified to get off. But I have to.
Today I told my psychiatrist what was going on. He wasn’t happy I’d been taking it all this time and hadn’t told him, but he agreed to see me in two weeks rather than four, and told me I could do this. He said to not struggle against the chaos as it unfolds, but let it happen. And that all I had to do in any given moment was/is breathe.
I reminded him I have asthma, so I kinda suck at breathing, and he said that wasn’t the point, (which I knew).
Today I’m taking an inventory of how much Kratom I generally take a day, then I’m going to start going down tomorrow. I’m scared out of my mind, but trying to breathe without having an asthma attack. Wish me luck please and any advice is appreciated.