Well, day after tomorrow I will be flying through the air to my hometown, the Devil's Playground, the site of my sad history with dope, and hopefully a bit of redemption. I have plans, I have friends, I have resources, and little time to spare on this trip. This is all ready made for the purpose of keeping myself off dope while I am back home. I can't wait to prove to myself that it can be done, but there is this nagging, this longing I wish could be taken away, this idea that I am missing a great opportunity to get high. I wish that particular voice inside my head would kindly shut the fuck up. But it doesn't...
I am a chef, but my recent ordeal in hospital has left me short of breath and stamina, so I am considering going back to school for another passion I've had since childhood: writing. I am considering a degree in journalism, either political or food oriented writing. I don't know why I'm telling you all this, except to reinforce the idea that if you're not moving forward you're moving backward. I must trudge forward, although an ominous unkindness and misery blocks my view of the future, keeping me in the quagmire of my own filthy past. I want to write words that I feel, and these are two topics I feel very strongly about and have knowledge of. It seems like a good place to start. My family and friends, as few as they are, are all supportive of the idea. I love to cook, but I don't know if I am able to handle a busy rush on the line anymore, and I won't know until I try at the end of this month when I get back from my trip...
This is more reason to keep my nose, and my veins, clean while I am gone. I will need to prepare for my next shot at being the chef I've always wanted and tried to be. So no fucking up. If it doesn't work out, at least now I have a contingency plan waiting in the wings...
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