It's barely been one full day since I last smoked and already my mind and body want me to accelerate the process of recovery. Not (just) recovery from the drug. But recovery in building fragments of myself that I let go. Nevermind that I'm still coming down, lightheaded, and exhausted. Just get it done! Whatever it takes! While I know the road will not be easy, I can't help to think that I'm literally living inside a house with triggering feelings. Not feelings of wanting a hit. But feelings of disappointment, shame, and absolute stupidity for doing what I did. Worse of all? I work from home. It would be much easier if I had a job where I was around other people and if could just move out. But I can't! I have to suffer the torment.
Even though I feel like a pathetic failure and my self-loathing is fierce, something inside me rises above. For each time I bring myself down with these feelings, something below me lifts me up signaling that failure is not an option. This tug-of-war is emotionally straining. And its barely day one. But in the end, I will side with the part in me that rises above the negative feelings. My will is one thing that cannot be simply smoked away. This is it! Its time to march forward with unbridled intensity! Whatever It Takes!
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