I have been off alcohol for 2 years 9 months of the last 3 years. Prior to that I was an everyday drinker, about 12-18 drinks a day, for about 10 years. About a month ago I started getting really bored. I told my wife I wanted to have an occasional drink again. Amazingly she agreed. The following night I binged out on everything alcoholic in the house. I didn't want her to know I was getting as fucked up as I was so I was trying to sneak shots while she was in the other room, and sip a beer when she was in sight. Once I was good and toasty I figured it was a good idea to spike some cheap red wine with vodka. I took one sip and hurled right in front of her. Cat was out of the bag at that point. The next day found me at work with the wost hangover I think I have ever had from just drinking. No big deal I thought. I was just getting it out of my system. I have been sober for a long time. I deserved to get a little out of control.
After that I set a few rules for myself. No hard liquor, no drinking on a work night, no drinking and driving. The next 2 weeks I adhered to the rules with a few exceptions. I only slipped during the work week once or twice. I did make a habit out of slamming a couple ciders in my truck driving around the neighborhood. This was to hide part of my intake from my wife. My consumption on Friday and Saturday nights was excessive. The hangovers were awful. I was having mixed emotions as to whether it was worth it to go back to this life. The fact that I was only binging on the weekends convinced me that I was doing ok. Everyone got fucked up on the weekends right?
Then last weekend rolled around. It was the weekend of my kids (I have triplets) birthday. I spent friday night smoking a brisket and drinking heavilly. We had bought beer for the party but I drank most of it that evening. Saturday was the day of the party. I snuck out and slammed a 6 pack of cider before the guests started arriving. Once people started showing up I would sneak off to the garage periodically to slam a beer. By late afternoon I was fucked up. I avoided talking to anyone, especially my wife for fear of being found out. I used being up late cooking as an excuse to go to bed at 8pm. I really just wanted to hide.
I woke the next morning, had 6 or so ciders before lunch. Few beers in the evening. I have anxiety attacks when I am hung over so I felt I needed a few drinks to alleviate that situation.
Monday was rough. Anxiety was horrible and I started feeling really guilty for being fucked up at my kids birthday party. I didn't even spend any time with them, I just hid the whole time because getting drunk was more important to me than making their day special. I barely remember singing happy birthday. I barely remember presents. And that will be their only 5th birthday. I will never get that back. It was clear to me once again that I do have a drinking problem. I can't control my intake once I start. And I was happier when I was sober. I spent the rest of the week feeling really down on myself. To the point where I had to go to the bathroom at work and cry a few times. I was struggling with whether or not I was going to quit again.
Thursday rolled around and I was still feeling really depressed. I actually discovered this board on thursday. I read a few posts and started feeling inspired to jump back on the wagon again. I had some antabuse so I popped one to ensure I wouldn't drink friday night. I felt awesome this morning when I woke up with no hangover. Had a great morning with my kids. I popped another antibuse this morning so I wouldn't be tempted tonight. Feels good to be sober now. I am concerned with what I am going to do on christmas and new years. I haven't told my wife whether I am quitting or not. Keeping it open for now, even though I know the right thing to do is to quit again...anyway feels good to get all this off my chest. I will keep you posted.