Back on the wagon after 4 week relapse, just popped an antibuse - Part 5

By oldscratch · Feb 16, 2015 · ·
  1. Hey folks I'm back. To summarize the last 2 months. I decided to drink on New Years eve. No big deal, stayed home and had a few beers. Of course that turned into me thinking it was ok to drink again in moderation. I have drank every weekend since. Sometimes just a friday, sometimes a friday and a saturday, sometimes a fri sat and sunday.

    I have been swinging between thinking all this is fine and normal, and having massive bouts of guilt. I am having a massive bout of guilt right now. I had a couple friday night and drove to the store to get a cigar. I'm sure I was over the limit, but felt I was safe. This morning on my way to work I discovered I had a headlight out. That could have led to my life getting completely messed up.

    So I am confused and not knowing what to do. This has been a trend for me. I go sober. I think I can drink again and do it with a degree of success. But then something bad happens. And I quit again. Then months down the road I will convince myself that quitting is a knee jerk reaction and I can try again.

    Bottom line is I hate being a recovering alcoholic, and a lifes worth of abstinence scares the shit out of me. But I hated being a drunk too. It seems like there has to be some middle ground.

    My position right now is I am going to commit to 8 weeks totally dry and reevaluate after that. I am seeing a therapist, hopefully some of what we are working on will take root by then.


  1. Kitts
    Hey Scratch, welcome back.

    I kind of think you do know what to do. And if you're not sure, maybe you could read back over this journal as I have just done and it may help. You know, a lifetime of abstinence is a seemingly impossible goal. The idea of it would fill me with horror. Eight weeks is also a pretty scary prospect.

    How about you try to think about just not drinking right now. And maybe not for the whole day. You can commit to not drinking for just now, right? In the meantime, look up some more avenues of support. If 12-step is not your thing, check out Smart Recovery. It's free, it's from home, it's gaining popularity as an alternative method of recovery with a good success rate.

    Well done for coming back, and for being so honest with yourself. That takes guts. We'll be here for you, Oldscratch. Good luck to you. :thumbsup:
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