Hey folks I'm back. To summarize the last 2 months. I decided to drink on New Years eve. No big deal, stayed home and had a few beers. Of course that turned into me thinking it was ok to drink again in moderation. I have drank every weekend since. Sometimes just a friday, sometimes a friday and a saturday, sometimes a fri sat and sunday.
I have been swinging between thinking all this is fine and normal, and having massive bouts of guilt. I am having a massive bout of guilt right now. I had a couple friday night and drove to the store to get a cigar. I'm sure I was over the limit, but felt I was safe. This morning on my way to work I discovered I had a headlight out. That could have led to my life getting completely messed up.
So I am confused and not knowing what to do. This has been a trend for me. I go sober. I think I can drink again and do it with a degree of success. But then something bad happens. And I quit again. Then months down the road I will convince myself that quitting is a knee jerk reaction and I can try again.
Bottom line is I hate being a recovering alcoholic, and a lifes worth of abstinence scares the shit out of me. But I hated being a drunk too. It seems like there has to be some middle ground.
My position right now is I am going to commit to 8 weeks totally dry and reevaluate after that. I am seeing a therapist, hopefully some of what we are working on will take root by then.