Alcohol Addiction Journals

Post your recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

  1. Some realizations

    I went back and read a lot of my old entries and replies to others on these boards and I realized that I only come here when I am down, depressed, withdrawing, etc. I also did not realize exactly how long I have been coming to this site. It's been a long time. During all this time I actually have had some great times in my life. I had periods of 1 year clean, 7 months, and 4 months and a few shorter ones over the last 8 years. But the positive times have far too often been out weighed by...
  2. Still going to therapy

    I have been going once a week to a good therapist, not the best I have had but good. I am starting to think I may need an in patient program. The last 8 weeks have been interesting and good really. I used my pain meds properly and drank alcohol 1 time. That changed this last time, which was last week. I got my script. Didn't save enough for a taper and the circle of depression and addiction continues. I am so down on myself and have been for the last few days. I know most of it is...
  3. The Detox

    Over the past 3-4 days I’ve been using Subutex to prevent WD from a six year multiple opiate habit with mostly daily alcohol use that has me on the edge of losing everything. I’ve been documenting in the Buprenophine forum and now have moved here So far I’ve used 16-24 mg/day of Sub ona short taper that will be done in two days. I also have some Xanax and Gabapentin as well. The caveat is that I’ve used a bit of H over the past few days and drank some alcohol, but those have been...
  4. Wild ride,what's to be expected

    Hey DF peoples. It's been a long time for me since I have wrote in this journal. In one word to describe my life since I started using again has been "unmanageable". I quit my job., Lost my place, been turned down for my share of rehabs ( one cost 31,000$$$ a month WTH.... Been bakeracted twice , almost killed by the cops one of those times. I started smoking meth again on my 90th day/night clean off meth (not totally sober). On October 27 it started with two hits of acid that...
  5. I went to therapy

    I went into the therapist yesterday. I left feeling really good about it. She is compassionate and experienced. I just woke up and don’t feel as good about it and I really want to use. I was told that is going to be normal in the beginning while going through this. She told me I have PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, and told me I am full of holes. Like swiss cheese lol. It all makes sense and I am grateful for it. I was 100% honest with her. Held nothing back and let her know that I was ready to...
  6. Getting honest and facing demons.

    If I am going to do this I am going to do it right. Really commit to it. With that being said I am going to try and post here as often as it feels right to do so. I listened to my phone messages last night and had one from the psychologists office telling me they had an earlier time and day for me to come in. This freaked me out. Why? I am not sure. Or I wasn’t until I thought about it a bit. If I go in earlier I will have to face my demons earlier and what if she is a crappy therapist? What...
  7. Opioids and Alcohol a 4 year struggle.

    The first time I had an opiate I was 17 years old and had meningitis. They prescribed me 60 Vicodin 7.5’s. I needed it for sure it was to date the worst pain I have ever been in. But as I came down to the last 3 pills I realized something important. I loved these things. I love the emotional pain they took away as well as the physical. Lucky for me it was not overwhelming and I did not chase the high. I was just sad after the last one wore off. Now I know about PAWS and how hard it can be on...
  8. Back after a joyful hiatus

    Hey guys, its been a while since I last posted. Been down in tasmania australia seeing the sights, meeting new people and doing apple thinning on one of the largest farms in the Huon Valley area. Its been great. Did some travelling in the first month, went down to the south of tasmania as well as over to the west coast. Done some bushwalks, been to a dozen different beaches, met some amazing locals, tourists and backpackers. No hookups unfortunately, but hit it and quit it isn't my style...
  9. A Love/Hate Story...

    HATEPILLS1 by Deenihle posted Aug 27, 2016 at 6:04 PM ★ ‘If all the world’s a stage, where is the audience?’ For the past 6+ years I’ve been playing a role every day. On screen I’m an intelligent, hard-working good girl with a charismatic personality charm. The thing is, though-I have a really hard time balancing my work & home life. You see, a miserable, cowardly, lonely, pathological liar clocks out for me at the end of each day on the set. At the studio I act for the audience’s...
  10. I Don’t know Why It Took So Long For Me to See It.

    I am in complete awe and amazement at the power and stealth addiction possesses. Been dealing with addiction for 32 years now and she still tricked me. I relapsed on booze and meth and when the dark part of the journey came I did what I do every time - I vowed to not give up. I tried to come up with some different ways to stay away from meth. I went where I always go - the amphetamine forum and I searched for posts about recovery from meth. I decided that it was time for me to know...
  11. Grateful for People That Build and Hold Space for My Messy Brain

    Today I am sober and clean. And I’m grateful. I am still working to keep it fucking simple. I’m trying to not need all the answers at once. I’m getting better at trusting what is offered. And in that, I still find questions that have no answers, no black and white, but I want to write it out and I want to know if y’all have opinions to share. :) Here’s the stuff in my headspace lately. “I don’t have a drug problem, I have a me problem.” I read that sentence in an article last week and it...
  12. So very tired.

    I haven't been able to sleep much lately, no matter what I do to tire myself out. Every time I close my eyes, every bad thought I've ever had and every bad thing I've ever done comes back to haunt me. God I miss that fucking bottle. That bottle that put all my demons to sleep, no matter how vicious and bloodthirsty, could pass that impenetrable wall of liquored delusion. That sense of false wellbeing was as close as I've ever been to genuine happiness. I miss my friend, who passed away from...
  13. A Certain Piece of Advice That Has Always Bothered Me

    Overheard a woman tell her friend, “You know that If you don’t truly love yourself, you can never truly love another.” I hate that go-to advice statement. I hate the fact I once believed it as true even more. I’ve said it. You’ve probably said it. It is accepted as fact. Variations on this statement are everywhere. Self-care must be a priority. More and more I am hearing within the recovery community at large that you have to learn to love yourself or it will be infinitely harder to...
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  14. We Only Lose If We Give Up. I Can Choose To Fight or I Can Choose to Die, Those Are The Only Options.

    Hello My Loves. I don’t have WiFi right now so I have not been able to get on here. I’m ok but I’m exhausted. Not from a drinking or drugging, yesterday is my new sober date. I’m know im not getting it right, and I’m absolutely exhausted from always getting it wrong. Here is an update on my steps I have taken to get help and the various bad decisions and some glimmers of hope. I’m still here. I still have a chance to be one of the 6%. I drank. I used. I called someone. I didn’t...
  15. employment opportunities

    As I sit here after a long day of work, I have my mind on someone. I have known this person for about two months. I know the old and healthy saying goes, "be in recovery for a year or more before you start dating". Which I agree with to an extent. But, yes there is a but,. She's my boss. So I don't know. We laugh and joke a lot. I know she is single and has one kid. I just think asking her out would be "not professional", and I know that dating at the workplace...
  16. Just keep swimming

    I hope all of you are doing well, just a small update this time. Its been 30 days since I finally returned from the realm of drunkenness into the realm of the living. There's been many ups and downs, as evidenced by my journal posts and periods of inactivity. I'm still adjusting to this new frontier known as 'life' by the majority of people, and its certainly a new perspective that is more than a little difficult to embrace fully. The depression comes and goes, as does the anxiety, but I...
  17. So I can check Losing My Job off my list

    Work-related drink approved thing but hadn’t eaten, took a few cold meds. Bad interaction and I blacked out right at the start. Honestly no idea wtf I’m going to do. Don’t even know how to face tomorrow. Don’t know what to tell my kids. Don’t know where to start.
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  18. hellooo everyone

    how is everyone doing tonight??? if anyone ever needs to or wants to talk feel free to talk to me!!!!! i am here to try and help and support eveyone, i have been struggling with addiction for a while now and i wish i had someone to talk when i was really struggling. hope everyone is having a safe night <3
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  19. I Got This Far. I’m Not Going To Stop.

    Early Monday morning I decided that how life was going was no longer acceptable. I stopped pretending that my mental health and my addictions were manageable. It was time to cash in that ticket I had tucked away in my back pocket. It was time to take the fight outside. My willpower, my promises, my declarations, my bullshit wasn’t working. But, there had been a sweet voice on the other end of the crisis line that had told me weeks ago that there was a way out. That there was help at the...
  20. An update, its been a while

    Hey guys and girls, its been a while since I last posted, figured I should let you guys know I'm doing alright. Its been a rough couple of weeks, cravings are still there but the worst problem is still the random fluctuations between anger and depression. Had a few days there when the depression almost got to me, sleeping as much as possible, had some pretty dark thoughts about suicide (feeling useless, thinking everyone would be better off without me, pretty standard shit tbh). Succumbed...
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