Alcohol Addiction Journals

Post your recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

  1. Day 4 of the Journal

    Well I made it through day 3.. today should be okay because I have work tomorrow and have to be on the ball. I've rocked up at work with some horrendous hangovers and managed to hide it.. made a pact with myself that I wouldn't do that anymore. I've broken this pact of course too many times to count. But not today! Since I started this millionth attempt at abstinence I've not had too many withdrawal symptoms luckily, apart from the mother of all headaches. It's like a 4 day hangover so I'm...
  2. Day 3 of abstinence

    I'm on day 3 of no alcohol. I started this attempt (one of many) because I reached the point where my drinking is now affecting my health. A little history for anyone who might read this. Like many I starting drinking as a teenager and soon discovered I have no off button. Mainly just social drinking, at parties, gigs, festivals etc.. but I would binge.. to the point of passing out, vomitting, ending up in stupid situations, having arguments with those I loved, hurting those I loved.. hating...
  3. second week tapering Kratom

    Yesterday I reduced my Kratom dose even more to 1.5grams and I will continue this dose for the whole week, then drop to 1 gram and see how I do. Though this is good, my Tianeptine dose has increased a little bit to 300mgs daily which I do not want to exceed. However, I also don't want my depression to come back full force, especially because I have had such a terrible week at work. I also hurt my back a few weeks ago that I'm finally going it to have checked out as it is not getting much...
  4. Gotta go back to court

    I just got word from my probation officer that my stupid alcohol monitor showed that I “tampered” with it from 7p to 2a on April 30th. I have to go back to court because of it. But I didn’t. Matter of fact I had a friend over that night and we cooked then watched tv until she fell asleep and ended sleeping in my spare room all night. The most upsetting part of this is i have to rehire my attorney. I won’t go into court without an attorney and I really dont have the money for it. This...
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  5. The Road back to health and balance

    I have a history of an eating disorder and meth addiction in my early to mid-20s. This was probably brought on my rough childhood, bad parental role models, and bad choices. I was very fortunate to come out of that relatively healthy and successful with my career. I had a bunch of mental health problems that finally stabilized but left me with very severe depression, but I was nevertheless able to complete my education and fulfill my goal of working in the ER in one of the highest paying...
  6. Slow....

    Yeah, I haven't even BEGUN writing this. As you see, thats how my mind works... I lose interest and motivation quick. And so much has happened since I posted... wow.... SMH, got a new charge, lost my job, totaled my car.... lmao oh and met another ice skater who mind fucked me gooood. And she is still mind fucking me... because I am allowing this to happen to me. WTF, why am I so self-destructive?!
  7. An update

    I have not had any alcohol since February 27th, and have no desire to do so. I have been going to all my therapy appointments and it has helped, I am taking my SSRI's as prescribed. Those are some of the positive things I have done and am doing to fight this shit. I had a procedure done, they gave me pain meds. This time I gave them to my wife to dole them out as prescribed. I found where they were hidden on day 4 and took a bunch. I got high and it felt great. Then I went back to my...
  8. University is not quite what I thought it was going to be... And is sort of exactly what I expected.

    Hey all, I know its been a while. I hope you have all been well! As per my last journal post, I am currently at university studying a bachelor of science, with a plan to focus on marine science in particular (not many marine biology degrees around these parts). Overall, I've been very disappointed. Classes have to be the lousiest part of uni. I don't mind assignments and tests and most of the material (stats is always a tedious course, and basic chem hasn't been much better), but being a 26...
  9. Some realizations

    I went back and read a lot of my old entries and replies to others on these boards and I realized that I only come here when I am down, depressed, withdrawing, etc. I also did not realize exactly how long I have been coming to this site. It's been a long time. During all this time I actually have had some great times in my life. I had periods of 1 year clean, 7 months, and 4 months and a few shorter ones over the last 8 years. But the positive times have far too often been out weighed by...
  10. Still going to therapy

    I have been going once a week to a good therapist, not the best I have had but good. I am starting to think I may need an in patient program. The last 8 weeks have been interesting and good really. I used my pain meds properly and drank alcohol 1 time. That changed this last time, which was last week. I got my script. Didn't save enough for a taper and the circle of depression and addiction continues. I am so down on myself and have been for the last few days. I know most of it is...
  11. The Detox

    Over the past 3-4 days I’ve been using Subutex to prevent WD from a six year multiple opiate habit with mostly daily alcohol use that has me on the edge of losing everything. I’ve been documenting in the Buprenophine forum and now have moved here So far I’ve used 16-24 mg/day of Sub ona short taper that will be done in two days. I also have some Xanax and Gabapentin as well. The caveat is that I’ve used a bit of H over the past few days and drank some alcohol, but those have been...
  12. Wild ride,what's to be expected

    Hey DF peoples. It's been a long time for me since I have wrote in this journal. In one word to describe my life since I started using again has been "unmanageable". I quit my job., Lost my place, been turned down for my share of rehabs ( one cost 31,000$$$ a month WTH.... Been bakeracted twice , almost killed by the cops one of those times. I started smoking meth again on my 90th day/night clean off meth (not totally sober). On October 27 it started with two hits of acid that...
  13. I went to therapy

    I went into the therapist yesterday. I left feeling really good about it. She is compassionate and experienced. I just woke up and don’t feel as good about it and I really want to use. I was told that is going to be normal in the beginning while going through this. She told me I have PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, and told me I am full of holes. Like swiss cheese lol. It all makes sense and I am grateful for it. I was 100% honest with her. Held nothing back and let her know that I was ready to...
  14. Getting honest and facing demons.

    If I am going to do this I am going to do it right. Really commit to it. With that being said I am going to try and post here as often as it feels right to do so. I listened to my phone messages last night and had one from the psychologists office telling me they had an earlier time and day for me to come in. This freaked me out. Why? I am not sure. Or I wasn’t until I thought about it a bit. If I go in earlier I will have to face my demons earlier and what if she is a crappy therapist? What...
  15. Opioids and Alcohol a 4 year struggle.

    The first time I had an opiate I was 17 years old and had meningitis. They prescribed me 60 Vicodin 7.5’s. I needed it for sure it was to date the worst pain I have ever been in. But as I came down to the last 3 pills I realized something important. I loved these things. I love the emotional pain they took away as well as the physical. Lucky for me it was not overwhelming and I did not chase the high. I was just sad after the last one wore off. Now I know about PAWS and how hard it can be on...
  16. Back after a joyful hiatus

    Hey guys, its been a while since I last posted. Been down in tasmania australia seeing the sights, meeting new people and doing apple thinning on one of the largest farms in the Huon Valley area. Its been great. Did some travelling in the first month, went down to the south of tasmania as well as over to the west coast. Done some bushwalks, been to a dozen different beaches, met some amazing locals, tourists and backpackers. No hookups unfortunately, but hit it and quit it isn't my style...
  17. A Love/Hate Story...

    HATEPILLS1 by Deenihle posted Aug 27, 2016 at 6:04 PM ★ ‘If all the world’s a stage, where is the audience?’ For the past 6+ years I’ve been playing a role every day. On screen I’m an intelligent, hard-working good girl with a charismatic personality charm. The thing is, though-I have a really hard time balancing my work & home life. You see, a miserable, cowardly, lonely, pathological liar clocks out for me at the end of each day on the set. At the studio I act for the audience’s...
  18. I Don’t know Why It Took So Long For Me to See It.

    I am in complete awe and amazement at the power and stealth addiction possesses. Been dealing with addiction for 32 years now and she still tricked me. I relapsed on booze and meth and when the dark part of the journey came I did what I do every time - I vowed to not give up. I tried to come up with some different ways to stay away from meth. I went where I always go - the amphetamine forum and I searched for posts about recovery from meth. I decided that it was time for me to know...
  19. Grateful for People That Build and Hold Space for My Messy Brain

    Today I am sober and clean. And I’m grateful. I am still working to keep it fucking simple. I’m trying to not need all the answers at once. I’m getting better at trusting what is offered. And in that, I still find questions that have no answers, no black and white, but I want to write it out and I want to know if y’all have opinions to share. :) Here’s the stuff in my headspace lately. “I don’t have a drug problem, I have a me problem.” I read that sentence in an article last week and it...
  20. So very tired.

    I haven't been able to sleep much lately, no matter what I do to tire myself out. Every time I close my eyes, every bad thought I've ever had and every bad thing I've ever done comes back to haunt me. God I miss that fucking bottle. That bottle that put all my demons to sleep, no matter how vicious and bloodthirsty, could pass that impenetrable wall of liquored delusion. That sense of false wellbeing was as close as I've ever been to genuine happiness. I miss my friend, who passed away from...
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