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Alcohol Addiction Journals

Post your recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

  1. Needing guidance

    And strength and courage. My body is telling me to quit but I'm only drinking more? I baffle myself. I don't want to die, but it's like I secretly have a death wish. I'm not sure what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. I'm just not sure if I can do this on my own.
  2. Three months in

    I'm three months into recovery at this point of my life after I joined an abstinence based outpatient rehab program. I've slipped up twice in that time on meth because of beginning to unpack trauma at the same time. Who would have thought that having to go back over trauma when my main method of coping with said trauma is drug use wouls go sideways? I've been using drugs to avoid trauma since I was in my teens, and I've been dependant on alcohol and benzos since 17, morphine and codeine...
  3. Happy Holidays Drugs-Forum!

    I love snowmen, they are my favorite part of winter and the holidays. They don't represent presents, or religion, or anything other then the pure joy and happiness of the season. An innocence and warmth that can come from even the coldest places. Even though this year has got to be the suckiest of sucks as far as holiday seasons, it could be much worse. With that in mind, I'm going to keep this as positive as possible and focus on the good things and why they are good... 1. I am still...
  4. Flushed my oxies

    By the way, by day 9 I think (hard to keep track of time) I went home from my mothers. Gathered all my oxy's and flushed them down the toilet. I filmed the whole ritual since my ex would never had believed me otherwise. 1 hour later I had a doctors appointment and I told them to erase my perscriptions since I've already kicked oxy. Felt terrible but great at the same time. I still crave opioids and opiates every day thought. Its a concious decision not to use. Lots of love to you all!!
  5. 12 day clean

    Going to at least one meeting a day. Some days ive got sick cravings. It can be seeing a dealer, an active friend, a smell, a bad day, a bad comment, whatever. But i resist the urge and it goes away in an hour or so. Im greatful for what I have today. My ex girlfriend thinks i look great, normal pupils and healhy face colour. So im feeling good now. Lots of love to you 8all.
  6. Dopamine

    Just wondering. Aren't all addiction linked to a lower dopamine levels in individual's. From food addiction to alcoholism, cannabis, amphetamines, cocaine and opiates. There seems to be a ladder as if when you dont get enough dopamine (and other signal substances) you just up the drug or use more of it. If this was the case then all addicts are born with an insufficiency in their signal substances?
  7. Dopamine

    Just wondering. Aren't all addiction linked to a lower dopamin level in individual's. From food addiction to alcoholism, cannabis, amphetamines, cocaine and opiates. There seems to be a latter as if when you dont get enough dopamin (and other signal substances) you just up the drug or use more of it. If this was the case the all addicts are born wit an insufficiency in their signal substances?
  8. Clean time.

    So enough with the lies. Been clean for 9 days and its all been good. After 1 slipup. Feeling ok most of the time but today i got some sick cravings and by some miracle o didnt act on my thoughts. Been to NA meetings 5 days in a row. Feels as i need them. Still weak as hell. Wonder when my testo bounces up again. Feels a little better but not like before. Lots of love!
  9. Topic #1 Being BPD...

    Being BPD... I like topics, I can write mountains of words if I had a new topic to write about each day. Otherwise my thoughts come out as random bits of nonsense, or so sporadic as my moods shift minute to minute or day to day. Oh the joys of being BPD. My first topic... Borderline Personality Disorder.... I could probably lists all the criteria to meet this diagnosis, but it would be far more time efficient for those who actually take the time to read my ramblings, to utilize the power...
  10. Insomnia... And a little lost right now..

    A month ago CPS came and took my kids after they said they weren't doing an investigation, that they were only going to get me the help I needed. I welcomed it gladly... Now... I've been sober, and I mean really really sober, not even pain meds or alcohol sober, I'm over the first part of withdrawals and completely into phase insomnia... Ironic much... That I hate not being able to sleep. I took drugs in extremely high doses so I could stay awake for very long periods, but all I want to...
  11. MINOR setback with 3'20mg oxys.

    hi guys. My ex told me not to talk to anyone in my family for at leat a couple of weeks since they are addicts themselfs and will drag me to hell. so my mo called end asked if i was comi g"home" today and i responded that it is impossible since i am in recovery. I cant take hard wors, critisism, meanness etc. And the she said but hose pills you eat? I said that the only pills i eat are multivitamins and levaxin, hung up the phone and blocked her!!! Started looking for benzos crazy agitated...
  12. All about the miracle called Ibogaine and my Suboxone detox experience

    My Ibogaine detox experience. How I got off Suboxone pain and withdrawal free.
  13. Another death this year

    Just like this week would not have been crazy enough for me... Just had news that another one of my friends has passed away. 4th this year. I was angry to him, because last time he, because of his addiction, did very loathsome stuff to me. But, as people say here- no one talks bad about dead man. The strangest thing- I had a dream about him few days ago. Like the ones I have after funerals. I just said to myself, that this can not be true, it is just because I have talked about him...
  14. The mess of my life

    My life just sucks now and I really want to have an ability to go travel in time and have my somehow normal life back again. I am going through divorce because of my husbands alcohol problems and tendency to become violent while drunk. The last episode was just the last drop in my patience and I moved out for a while. I just have no love left anymore.I wish I had, so it would not be so painful and I could find the strenght in me to turn everything into right direction, but the only thing I...
  15. Sleep Is For The Weak Part 4

    I was satisfied with my work, but under the surface I was seething mad. Along with the trash and cardboard, I found a whole pile of dirty rigs, mostly without caps, stashed under a newspaper next to someone's vacant site. That meant they were gone but not for long. I wasn't sure whose bed it was, people move around and come and go. To be sure it was one of the regulars, someone I knew. Maybe not well enough to know where they slept last night, but still. That narrowed it down to about 15...
  16. Sleep Is For The Weak Part 3

    It was slow going getting back home to the I-5 bridge, what with the still significant limping I was doing. The foot rot was fierce, but my gait was not unusual. It happens from spending too many hours and days on your feet, even with proper foot care and hygiene. They get sore and you shuffle along as if stumbling gingerly barefoot over gravel. This is known as the dreaded Crack Hoof. I'd had it before, but this rot was different, more painful, and a little scary. Not emergency-room-scary,...
  17. Sleep Is For The Weak Part 2

    Not yet prepared to lace up my boots again, I lounged in my socks and rummaged through my backpack, with Tumbles and D.H. rummaging through theirs, to see what kind of loot we had acquired over the past couple nights and forgotten about. When you're digging through dumpsters and flailing through parked cars, it becomes an occupational hazard that you don't always know what you have. We dug out stereos and CD's, bike chains and change jars, nearly empty cans of spray paint, clothes and spare...
  18. Sleep Is For The Weak

    "Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia." -E.L. Doctorow Back in the early days of my speed habit, shortly after I had started injecting and still had no earthly knowledge of self-regulation or self-preservation, I was sleeping under the I-5 bridge on the nights I slept, and wandered the streets the rest of the time. During the day I would frequent the several drop-in centers for homeless youth and young adults. There I could depend on a snack or a meal, socialization with...
  19. 58 Days Without Booze

    Hello all, Just a quick update. I haven't done any entries in my journal for quite some time now, but the past couple days have found me in a bit of a writing frenzy. Some free writing has turned into a long memory of days gone by, back when I lived like a troll under a bridge and hadn't ever done heroin before. I don't have time this minute to transcribe it here, but I will by tonight, at least what I have so far. I'm actually one page away from starting into my second notebook! I'm very...
  20. A bit before I have to leave

    Must post to the internet to reveal some of myself. I have been reading other people's entries and found them interesting. I joined over a year ago so I think it's time to contribute, and it might help to have somewhere where I feel I can be honest. I have been addicted/dependant on alcohol, codeine and modafinil and have been on many different antidepressants. Also tried some other Nootropics. Have a history of eating disorders and have been diagnosed with major depression. Have managed...
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