Amphetamines Addiction Journals

Post your Addiction recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

  1. SITREP: FUBAR

    EdHowzitgoin, everybody! Military acronyms- SITREP: Situation Report FUBAR: Fucked Up Beyond All Repair PSYOPS: Psychological Operations I don't need Moses to lead me in aimless circles thru the wasteland, following my own footprints in the sand. I can be my own Judas goat. I can be yours too. It ain't a problem. It's no imposition. I got got it all figured out, how to have my cake and eat it too, don't need a GPS recalculating my road to chemical SALVATION (lies) 2.2 kilometres straight...
  2. Accomplishments

    I paid my phone bill, applied for a job I really really want, was on time to my psychiatrist appointment, bought some art supplies but not before remembering I had a gift certificate for the place I bought them, didn't eat too much ice cream, and took out the garbage. However, my psychiatrist does not recall suggesting Vyvanse and "only uses that for ADHD." So much for cheap amphetamines. Modafinil is a lovely drug. I should probably be grateful anyone's willing to prescribe me controlled...
  3. Damn Dangit!

    Been a while since I last checked in on my journal. My commitment to sobriety is still the rollercoaster it was a couple months ago. I was going really well, I hit 3 weeks clean and then was triggered and used again. I kept using regularly, most days, again for 3 weeks but I hate what its doing to me, I hate how it's destroyed my level of health I used to have and yet again, I hit that realisation once more last weekend. It was time to pull my head in once more and I'm currently one week...
  4. I'm okay, you're okay....

    And if this weekend is not the weekend on which I abstain from a vice or three, that's okay. To be honest, I think I have too much dopamine in my brain to beat myself up. Which is...good? I think this experience has also made me more sympathetic towards people who use drugs. Any drug: meth, crack, heroin, cathinones, compressed air, we're all human beings who deserve respect, no matter what we use or how often or why or how we pay for it. I just remembered I brought home some oxycodone,...
  5. One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

    This uncoordinated, disrhythmic, highly repetitive dance I've been doing is just getting to be tiring, boring, and a bit dizzying. Today, I failed myself in every way possible; not only did I succumb to the siren's call of the dope, but I also accidentally began a strange routine with the ex that is just super odd and probably not helping me at all. And it started because I am a worrier that allows my anxiety to get the best of me, all the time. Yesterday (wow, it feels like so much longer...
  6. Current Goal: Every 2 weeks at most

    Today was slow, so I spent some time on my favorite medical reference site reminding myself how horrible of a drug meth is. It's bad for my heart, can cause all kinds of shit to go wrong, and bad for my brain, and I need those organs. I especially need dopamine receptors, because I'm depressed enough as it is and don't need any drugs making that depression worse. I don't know (and probably never will know) the exact cause, if there's only one, but a combination of neurotransmitter fuckery...
  7. I want to go a week without meth

    To prove to myself I can. And god, did I ever pick a difficult weekend. Within an hour of my getting up, my now ex-boyfriend has threatened to call the police over my "assaulting" him. I "looked threatening." I'm "forcing myself to cry" and he tries as hard as he can to make me happy. Nah, dude, I may have major depressive disorder, but I don't cry for no reason whatsoever. I'm not crying to try to make you look bad. What you're doing really hurts. Maybe it was "just threatening" to soak me...
  8. Chemical Warfare

    Howzitgoin, everybody! For me, not so great. Every battle i fight, win, lose, or draw, leaves me weaker and more impoverished. Friends and allies abandon me like rats jumpin off a sinking ship. When i i was on top they worshipped me like i was a messiah. Thats ok. I travel faster alone. I'll carry my own damn water. I ain't lookin for happiness, wealth, prestige, sex, power. Just survival. Nuthin more. Today a baptism under fire. Done with hielo detox, beginning jalle sickness. I'm workin...
  9. Time for change (and other updates)

    Well hello again, it’s been a while since I did an update on life. School is out and the kiddo is on summer break, which makes my hours at work hard. Speaking of work, I am forced to seek other employment now. Things at my job are quite stressful and there is way too much drama, sadly, caused by the owner and manager. I’ve worked over 91 hours this last pay period, and almost 200 the last month only to be told I need to start watching my hours. This is quite frustrating because the reason I...
  10. Am I able to function normally?

    I ask myself if I'm able to function normally quite often. Sometimes (too often) I find myself unsure of what I'm doing or where I'm going. It's a very different world being clean to being on meth. Sometimes my head is just a jumble of thoughts going every which way and I end up confused as to which thoughts I should give priority to if that even makes sense.... Funnily enough on meth I did get things done and I had no trouble finding the path I had to take to get what I wanted, but clean I...
  11. Yet Another "Day One"

    Well, I am sick again. Not exactly by my own choice, but not because of anyone else, I am coming off of everything now: heroin, meth, cannabis, cigarettes, ALL of it. I am a poor budget-er and ran out of money for my drugs 4 days before I am paid again. So, here we go. Last night I met up with my former/future roommate and he smoked me out and bought me a gin & tonic that I really was not able to drink because my stomach was so queasy. Smoking helped a ton though, it is so nice to be back...
  12. It Gets Better

    Well, everyone is probably gonna be super fucking relieved to hear this, but I have cut off any and all potential forms of communication with the ex. I don't want him to catch me doing well and show up to kick me in the face anymore, so I won't let it happen. My mother was here all weekend, and I think that definitely added to my anxiety. Since she's gone back to where she lives, I've noticed that I feel less on edge. This term for school has also (finally) ended, and I am slowly running...
  13. It Hurts

    I should be celebrating four weeks clean right now. Instead I am high. I've cried tears of frustration at times I'd caved in before. But this time I'm crying tears of sadness. I don't know what else to say right now but I just need to be transparent. Honestly fuck this shit, why do I do it when I can feel the withdrawals about to blow the rest of my week once more. This is just not worth it anymore. I hope tomorrow when I read this that I believe it. I got to get back up from this.
  14. All Aboard...

    It's kinda messed up to think about how long I have been wishing that I wasn't so passionate or that I didn't feel things so deeply, or that I didn't care as much as I do. I have found a notebook that confirms that I was wishing for this as early as age 11, so that predates basically all of my bad habits, except my eating disorder. I guess I have a big problem with wanting things I don't have, and probably with being properly grateful for what I do have. I've always wished I was less...
  15. Like water to a flame

    Since I moved into this place about a year ago, I've heard hummingbirds around but only saw one once, at my neighbor's fuschia. (I immediately went out and bought myself a bigger fuschia.) Today I happened to spot one at the very top of the tree next door. I ran in to get my binoculars, and saw enough of him to determine he's a dude, but that was it as far as an ID. Probably an Anna's, as they're big and common. (Apologies to anyone named Anna; I didn't name them.) The same kind I had at my...
  16. I'll stop tomorrow....

    Honestly, I feel like a bit of a fraud writing this journal, because I don't have anywhere near as problematic a problem as some (probably most) of the drug users writing these. I don't have a steady job, but what I do have pays enough that I don't really have to worry for now. Unless something goes wrong, I'll have a 2-year lease starting in July. My family can support me a little, and they're willing to. But things between me and my partner have deteriorated to the point at which I find...
  17. The journey continues

    Hello to everyone who takes the time to read my entries. I've made it past the 12 months clean and still going strong. The longer I'm clean the more sure I am of staying clean. I've still got people I haven't seen since I quit meth looking at me and almost not recognising me, telling me I look younger and really healthy, yay. Next week I'm doing 3 days AOD Peer Worker Training, the journey continues to help others overcome drug addiction. I've wasted too many years but not anymore. Onwards...
  18. Not Exactly Unexpected

    Well, whether it was just a matter of time or not, I fucked everything up again. What I thought I was doing was working my ass off to be able to take care of myself and stay busy and off dope but I guess I was just lying to myself. Even the cop who was there when they woke me up was laughing at me, called me a liar when I told him I worked 12 hour days and attended school at the college across the street. I justified the speed to myself when I had to start working graveyard shift, but was...
  19. Cooking. No, not cooking that....

    Well, this is strange. I smoked some weed and now I feel like I understand the meth more. Yeah, I'm not sure what that means, either. But I found myself thinking "chibi, just eat in moderation," and kind of understanding the concept better than I have before. I have a pizza and one of those huge brownies and I've only eaten...fuck, I forgot I'm sharing this with 2 other people, not 1. You know what? How much I ate isn't important, what matters is that I also chopped up some veggies that were...
  20. Ascending

    Howzitgoin everybody! Working out on a ranch north of town, a blessed relief to be outta the city. I've written entries from out here in past journals, it's a sanctuary where I can breathe, feel tension dissipate and unravel like a dream as you wake up, like smoke. My blood pressure drops. My 'tude improves, my perspective is restored (more or less), as is my resolve and my confidence. I slept maybe two hours last night but I'm feeling rested, a lil dehydrated right now tho, mercury climbin,...
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