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Amphetamines Addiction Journals

Post your Addiction recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

  1. Rock bottom days, remembered... A shout out to the crackwhore whom I loved...

    Caroline I have a crush on this girl... she's like nothing, like no one else. She's a hooker, low down, broken but so hopeful. Her eyes tell constantly that she aspires to the whole world... she's older than me but it doesn't count... Sometimes she comes through, but mostly her eyes bleed her need. I want to fix the constant strain in her, the stress to be someone substantial to someone, all the time. I'm gonna fuck it up. Count with me... 3,2,1 I always do. Sabotage? Its more important to...
  2. Bun in the Oven?

    So, I hopefully conceived last week. Took my last tour as a professional dominatrix. I’m hanging up my heels. Baby Daddy has offered to pay my personal training. He rocks. I wanna bounce back quick. Annnnyway... I met this guy. I’m super dominant by nature... but this guy makes me wanna be totally sub. He’s completely straight - no drugs. That’s what I need. I want him to paddle me till I cry. We had amazing sex, he held me by my hair in this way; I just melted. Maybe I’ll replace...
  3. Tomorrow Is Where I Get Up Againo

    Stumbling isn't even a complete fall to the ground, it's a miss step, a tree stump you kicked while not looking down. Even so, it's still embarrassing. It still etched out a small piece of your ego and a notch from your pride. It doesn't matter how many times you trip over your own two feet, as long as you always pull yourself back up. Accept that stumble for what it is, a hiccup in the road, slowed you down for a sec but you didn't waste any time lingering or looking around to see if...
  4. 12 day clean

    Going to at least one meeting a day. Some days ive got sick cravings. It can be seeing a dealer, an active friend, a smell, a bad day, a bad comment, whatever. But i resist the urge and it goes away in an hour or so. Im greatful for what I have today. My ex girlfriend thinks i look great, normal pupils and healhy face colour. So im feeling good now. Lots of love to you 8all.
  5. This week

    Well I haven’t bought any more meth, or a new pipe so I guess it’s been since oct that last smoked. Feel pretty good overall, but the wanting it still comes and goes allot. Mainly I think because I associated it with sex. Well I’m busy working on the house on my day off and just keeping myself moving and occupied in a good way. Hope everyone is doing good and that the day is a great one for all.
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  6. Day 3...

    My ex has infiltrated the site, and stalks me from it. I could ban his handle from me, and my journal. He’d only create a new one. It’s his way. Sent me a lovely goodbye letter, wherein he leaves me to start a family with his lovely blonde admirer. I hope she has better luck with him than I did. I lay a wreath on the grave of our relationship, and turn back to my husband. Maybe there is a woman out there waiting for me. Who knows. But either way, I cannot continue my journal, as he now,...
  7. Dopamine

    Just wondering. Aren't all addiction linked to a lower dopamine levels in individual's. From food addiction to alcoholism, cannabis, amphetamines, cocaine and opiates. There seems to be a ladder as if when you dont get enough dopamine (and other signal substances) you just up the drug or use more of it. If this was the case then all addicts are born with an insufficiency in their signal substances?
  8. Dopamine

    Just wondering. Aren't all addiction linked to a lower dopamin level in individual's. From food addiction to alcoholism, cannabis, amphetamines, cocaine and opiates. There seems to be a latter as if when you dont get enough dopamin (and other signal substances) you just up the drug or use more of it. If this was the case the all addicts are born wit an insufficiency in their signal substances?
  9. On the edge already....

    My boyfriend just broke up with me because I am trying several days in a row to get pregnant with the donor instead of just one. It didn’t work last month just trying one day. Medical lit shows the few days up to ovulation are the best to try during. So it shall be. I need this baby. But his leaving me is making me want to go get 10’s fiercely. I just asked my pharmacologist friend if it will affect the conception. Awaiting his answer. It’s best we break up before the pregnancy. My...
  10. Last day of debauchery...

    I woke up this morning the last day I won’t be pregnant for the next 3/4 of a year (I hope). Insufflated 3 Perc 15’s and went to lunch w a straight friend. Paid off the man from yesterday and convinced my friend to let me hit a $60 while he drove back roads. First hit was strong. So typical me, I hit a bigger one. Held it in. Suddenly, the voices rose around me in a cacaphony, and they were after me. Things around me in the truck wavered and moved, insuinating they were indeed there. I drew...
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  11. What I call voices?

    When I said I hear voices..... I really don't hear anything. It's just the thoughts in my head that seems like voices. Some thoughts dominate others and become very "loud". Sometimes making it very difficult to attenuate. If this happens. Most times I remember, after some time, to just be still, taking very deep breaths, matching the exhale to the inhale. Trying to clear my mind, somewhat. Of course it would depend on where I am at the time. Now that I'm getting cleaner the thoughts are...
  12. Clean time.

    So enough with the lies. Been clean for 9 days and its all been good. After 1 slipup. Feeling ok most of the time but today i got some sick cravings and by some miracle o didnt act on my thoughts. Been to NA meetings 5 days in a row. Feels as i need them. Still weak as hell. Wonder when my testo bounces up again. Feels a little better but not like before. Lots of love!
  13. Day three?

    Day three or whatever of recovery. Date is November 12th, 2017 Woke up energy medium. Put a few milligrams in a bowl and smoked it. 6 hours later did another 3 mg. 4 hours later did another 3 mg. That's about 9 mg all together. I would be more than satisfied with that. Right now I'm able to keep my mind off of it when I don't have it available. But if this new shipment comes in, that I've already paid for, I will keep reducing with that. Right now it's unbelievable that I have reduced this...
  14. Topic #1 Being BPD...

    Being BPD... I like topics, I can write mountains of words if I had a new topic to write about each day. Otherwise my thoughts come out as random bits of nonsense, or so sporadic as my moods shift minute to minute or day to day. Oh the joys of being BPD. My first topic... Borderline Personality Disorder.... I could probably lists all the criteria to meet this diagnosis, but it would be far more time efficient for those who actually take the time to read my ramblings, to utilize the power...
  15. Blahhhhh....

    ALL I want in life is just to be happy.And others to be happy as well.Why is it so difficult for me?Especially for me. The more I try to slide through my stupid situation so that everyone would be satisfied, the worse it actually gets.Now my girlfriend is not talking to me and I do not even have a clue why. I do not read minds, so I just do not understand this silence and ignorance from her side. If she would have said anything, we could work on the situation. But now I have to guess from...
  16. Lesser of two evils???

    I don't want to leave, but I don't want to stay... Every day it's a fucking battle. Every day it's her trying to control the situation. I can't tell her no about something without an endless stream of bull shit. I don't have to explain my answer, but if I don't I'm this rotten ungrateful bitch. It's not her damn business why I don't want to do something, she hasn't earned the right to know me, because she doesn't give a shit unless it serves her. Ah fuck it. I'm just venting now which...
  17. The things that hit the hardest...

    Everything. Everything I have been through the last year, 3 years, 8 years, 38 years.... Everything points to one person. The most toxic person to ever be in my life. My mother. So I have mommy issues... I'm not sure how that works in a mother-daughter relationship, all I've ever heard take of is daddy issues. And anytime someone mentions a mother-daughter relationship it always entails an ahhh... Response. Like they can possibly understand because they argue with their daughter or...
  18. My recent paranoia... Wanting to make me to quit.

    Sometimes I wonder if anyone else experiences life, close to how I do. Then I get sucked into DF reading the exact same experience as happened in my life that I had forgotten about! Some thoughts on my recent experiences... I thought I had everything figured out in life. Then I forgot to write it all down. I remember some of it though. With the help of some of the supplements that I take. So my aim here is to recreate some of those thoughts. I realized the hold that my...
  19. Today went well. But

    Today went well at work. But there is a catch. I am very sad today. My whole body was wracked with pain on waking. I have a few grams left so I put a few milligrams in my coffee. I think I now am going to wean myself off. I just can't take the pain right now. When I say a few milligrams, I mean a few milligrams. Just enough to fill the tip of a small straw when dipped into the bag of powder and sprinkled into my coffee or water, every few to four hours. Just enough to call back the...
  20. That damn paranoia and The Voices!

    I think I was freaking meth nuts or something. Just getting finished at work and everything went smoothly today. That was my status entry yesterday. But this morning I again have doubts. You see I have been doing two people's work. Saving the company from hiring another employee. All through the use of Meth. But it is so different now. I recently have trained a few new employees to help me. But I could not slow down after getting used to doing those two jobs by myself. I have tried my best...
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