Cocaine Addiction Journals

Post your Cocaine & crack recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

  1. Sunday 24th March

    I didn't keep my word and go to an na meeting. All talk and no do. Need to get past this hurdle. Had the flat to myself so did a spring clean, and picked up to make cleaning more "enjoyable". When the bag ran out later in the evening, I withdrew all I had left in my bank account to get another. It is 3:40am now and I still have about a third left. I feel I have to finish it asap so I can sleep. Leaving it for another day isn't possible for me. 1:30pm - 10pm: 1g 11pm - 3/4/5am.... 1g Since...
  2. Friday 22nd March

    Thursday was coke free. Friday I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. Met two friends for drinks, one wanted to pick up, I was 100% in. Shared 2g between us 3. Drank a lot. 1g 6:30pm - 5am It's now 8:35am Saturday. Feel so numb. hollow. lost my purpose and identity. Since 1st March: 12g If I continue using.... - lose my wonderful, incredible, loving boyfriend, who I do not deserve. It would break my heart if he found out - huge debt and overdraft - ruin my career - I will destroy...
  3. Wednesday 20th March

    Didn't use on Tuesday, had a lovely chill evening at home. As soon as I'd had breakfast on Wednesday I was thinking about picking up around lunchtime.. Picked up a g at 1:30pm, work was full-on so it gave me more motivation. Finished it by 10pm and bought another.. It is 4:55am now. Work in four hours. Will try and sleep from 6am-8am. shit. Since 1st March: 11g Reasons not to do coke: 1) it is ruining me, I hardly recognise myself 2) it makes me a bad friend, daughter, sister,...
  4. Friday 8th, Saturday 16th and Monday 18th March

    Went away for a week last week, it was so good, wonderful, amazing. I was free from cocaine and didn't feel I needed it. HOWEVER... The Friday before, I swore I'd go to my first NA meeting. Then work ran late, and automatically I picked up before a friend's engagement party. 1g (£60) 6pm - 3am. Returned the following Saturday, picked up straight away. 1g (£100) 11pm - 10am. Missed a get together with friends Sunday morning. Made excuses and hid away at home. Lay awake listening for my...
  5. Thursday 7th March

    I am like a bad record. Same again, round and round, on and on. Wednesday was coke free, it was lovely. Thursday I picked up and felt anxious and stressed all evening from it. Missed the gig I wanted to go to with my friends, to stay home by myself for a few hours to binge. It is now 3:45am (Friday morning). For the first time though, I felt bored and done with coke by the end of the night. I can't be arsed with it. It is destroying me. Deleted all dealer numbers. 2pm - 2am: 1.5g I can...
  6. Tuesday 5th March

    Monday was drug free. But I gave into myself this afternoon. It seems I can get through a day or two without picking up, but then I feel suffocated in cravings, and give in. Did lots of work, but turned up late to dinner at our flat. I was so nervous and paranoid when I eventually arrived. Could hardly eat or make conversation. I used to be so organised and proactive. My addiction causes me to be a let down to my friends. Nose is noticeably loud today. Friday after work I will go to NA....
  7. 04/03/19

    First entry..! Got to face the facts. 2g Saturday 2nd March 1g Sunday 3rd March My nose whistles, and is super blocked up. Quite hard to breathe. It is 2:30am (not actually that late compared to usual binges). 1g 7pm - 12. Must bite the bullet, and try an na meeting this week.
  8. The road to nowhere

    I am posting screen shots of the entry I wrote but could not post as my data ran out. The reason I am doing so is because I know if I rewrite it I will edit and it will not be as honest as it was first draft. Please view. I do hope it is legible. Please let me know if it is difficult to read and I will attempt to rewrite word for word. Thanks
  9. Arms of cocaine

    "Some ladies love diamonds Fast cars and freedom Trips to the island Castles in Spain Las Vegas card sharks Blues men that blow french harps But no strings to her heart Just the arms of cocaine. Yeah she likes to run With us high riding cowboys She says she feels a whole lot More at home on the range She can handle her feelings In most all situations She just can not handle The arms of cocaine Hey I'm just a rhymer Writing down new phrases Looking for ladies Who know I'm subject to change...
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  10. Wild ride,what's to be expected

    Hey DF peoples. It's been a long time for me since I have wrote in this journal. In one word to describe my life since I started using again has been "unmanageable". I quit my job., Lost my place, been turned down for my share of rehabs ( one cost 31,000$$$ a month WTH.... Been bakeracted twice , almost killed by the cops one of those times. I started smoking meth again on my 90th day/night clean off meth (not totally sober). On October 27 it started with two hits of acid that...
  11. 2 weeks clean

    Good evening, So this is my first journal entry. Not sure what I am looking for, but will dive in for hopes of helping someone else in my situation. Cocaine has controlled my life for over three years. At first it was very enticing, and provided me relief from any stress, anxiety, or depressive moods I was in. I strictly used in a social setting, but as such with this drug, and as time crept on, I began using frequently. I would go through periods of using everyday to periods of using a...
  12. The beginning.

    Well I’ll take a stab at finally doing this, after only pretty much lurking on the forums for years. I can’t say my present day addictions are purely or even directly the result of conditions during my childhood, but there’s always this nagging feeling that it’s at least partially true, even when I’m at my most honest, down to the level stage with myself...I know I’m not just trying to manipulate my own mind into believing lies in order to get what it wants. There is no way I ever...
  13. The beginning.

    Well I’ll take a stab at finally doing this, after only pretty much lurking on the forums for years. I can’t say my present day addictions are purely or even directly the result of conditions during my childhood, but there’s always this nagging feeling that it’s at least partially true, even when I’m at my most honest, down to the level stage with myself...I know I’m not just trying to manipulate my own mind into believing lies in order to get what it wants. There is no way I ever...
  14. Me, myself and....

    Can you rely on yourself? I often wonder that sometimes about myself. I believe a lot of us think we can. That is a very popular thing this century is self-help,self reliance, and self indulging. Just look at Facebook. People literally spend hours upon hours focused on an internet page devoted to their self. It's crazy knowing people on Facebook or Twitter with 5,000 friends meanwhile the person would not have a true friend in the whole world. When I first quit meth, I...
  15. employment opportunities

    As I sit here after a long day of work, I have my mind on someone. I have known this person for about two months. I know the old and healthy saying goes, "be in recovery for a year or more before you start dating". Which I agree with to an extent. But, yes there is a but,. She's my boss. So I don't know. We laugh and joke a lot. I know she is single and has one kid. I just think asking her out would be "not professional", and I know that dating at the workplace...
  16. So I can check Losing My Job off my list

    Work-related drink approved thing but hadn’t eaten, took a few cold meds. Bad interaction and I blacked out right at the start. Honestly no idea wtf I’m going to do. Don’t even know how to face tomorrow. Don’t know what to tell my kids. Don’t know where to start.
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  17. hellooo everyone

    how is everyone doing tonight??? if anyone ever needs to or wants to talk feel free to talk to me!!!!! i am here to try and help and support eveyone, i have been struggling with addiction for a while now and i wish i had someone to talk when i was really struggling. hope everyone is having a safe night <3
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  18. Your own space (responsibilities)

    Nothing feels better than getting your own place. Your on space. Privacy, having your own company over when you want. This will be the second time in two years I have came up from being homeless to getting into a halfway house or my own place. Of course with help from my family. My living situation has been rough, yes I know I'm half to blame for the arugments me and my father have. Let me tell you it's tough coming off the streets as a opiate/meth/crack user into an alcoholic...
  19. And once again I find myself here in my bed with a mirror and doc

    Im still scared to find help because I’m scared to give it up for good. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s admitting defeat? Loss of control? Weakness? Oh yeah, as I mentioned in a comment under someone else’s entry, I’m afraid of the stern lecture, “truth hurts” approach when I inevitably fail. I’m already hard enough on myself. I can’t bear to hear it from someone else.
  20. Still at it...much to my self-hate

    I’ve tried quitting so many times since my last post. I lost my love but he came back and I still couldn’t give it up. So it looks like it’s over. I think I’m developing serotonin syndrome so I’ve been quite a bit crazy emotional for a while. For some reason that gives me even more motivation to give it up. I want to be who I was before. I’m giving kratom a tryin the morning. Please no negative comments. I’ve read about giving up one addiction for another. But I have to try it. I have to get...
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