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Cocaine Addiction Journals

Post your Cocaine & crack recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

  1. Day 3...

    My ex has infiltrated the site, and stalks me from it. I could ban his handle from me, and my journal. He’d only create a new one. It’s his way. Sent me a lovely goodbye letter, wherein he leaves me to start a family with his lovely blonde admirer. I hope she has better luck with him than I did. I lay a wreath on the grave of our relationship, and turn back to my husband. Maybe there is a woman out there waiting for me. Who knows. But either way, I cannot continue my journal, as he now,...
  2. Dopamine

    Just wondering. Aren't all addiction linked to a lower dopamine levels in individual's. From food addiction to alcoholism, cannabis, amphetamines, cocaine and opiates. There seems to be a ladder as if when you dont get enough dopamine (and other signal substances) you just up the drug or use more of it. If this was the case then all addicts are born with an insufficiency in their signal substances?
  3. Dopamine

    Just wondering. Aren't all addiction linked to a lower dopamin level in individual's. From food addiction to alcoholism, cannabis, amphetamines, cocaine and opiates. There seems to be a latter as if when you dont get enough dopamin (and other signal substances) you just up the drug or use more of it. If this was the case the all addicts are born wit an insufficiency in their signal substances?
  4. On the edge already....

    My boyfriend just broke up with me because I am trying several days in a row to get pregnant with the donor instead of just one. It didn’t work last month just trying one day. Medical lit shows the few days up to ovulation are the best to try during. So it shall be. I need this baby. But his leaving me is making me want to go get 10’s fiercely. I just asked my pharmacologist friend if it will affect the conception. Awaiting his answer. It’s best we break up before the pregnancy. My...
  5. Last day of debauchery...

    I woke up this morning the last day I won’t be pregnant for the next 3/4 of a year (I hope). Insufflated 3 Perc 15’s and went to lunch w a straight friend. Paid off the man from yesterday and convinced my friend to let me hit a $60 while he drove back roads. First hit was strong. So typical me, I hit a bigger one. Held it in. Suddenly, the voices rose around me in a cacaphony, and they were after me. Things around me in the truck wavered and moved, insuinating they were indeed there. I drew...
    Tags:
  6. Clean time.

    So enough with the lies. Been clean for 9 days and its all been good. After 1 slipup. Feeling ok most of the time but today i got some sick cravings and by some miracle o didnt act on my thoughts. Been to NA meetings 5 days in a row. Feels as i need them. Still weak as hell. Wonder when my testo bounces up again. Feels a little better but not like before. Lots of love!
  7. Topic #1 Being BPD...

    Being BPD... I like topics, I can write mountains of words if I had a new topic to write about each day. Otherwise my thoughts come out as random bits of nonsense, or so sporadic as my moods shift minute to minute or day to day. Oh the joys of being BPD. My first topic... Borderline Personality Disorder.... I could probably lists all the criteria to meet this diagnosis, but it would be far more time efficient for those who actually take the time to read my ramblings, to utilize the power...
  8. Lesser of two evils???

    I don't want to leave, but I don't want to stay... Every day it's a fucking battle. Every day it's her trying to control the situation. I can't tell her no about something without an endless stream of bull shit. I don't have to explain my answer, but if I don't I'm this rotten ungrateful bitch. It's not her damn business why I don't want to do something, she hasn't earned the right to know me, because she doesn't give a shit unless it serves her. Ah fuck it. I'm just venting now which...
  9. The things that hit the hardest...

    Everything. Everything I have been through the last year, 3 years, 8 years, 38 years.... Everything points to one person. The most toxic person to ever be in my life. My mother. So I have mommy issues... I'm not sure how that works in a mother-daughter relationship, all I've ever heard take of is daddy issues. And anytime someone mentions a mother-daughter relationship it always entails an ahhh... Response. Like they can possibly understand because they argue with their daughter or...
  10. My recent paranoia... Wanting to make me to quit.

    Sometimes I wonder if anyone else experiences life, close to how I do. Then I get sucked into DF reading the exact same experience as happened in my life that I had forgotten about! Some thoughts on my recent experiences... I thought I had everything figured out in life. Then I forgot to write it all down. I remember some of it though. With the help of some of the supplements that I take. So my aim here is to recreate some of those thoughts. I realized the hold that my...
  11. That damn paranoia and The Voices!

    I think I was freaking meth nuts or something. Just getting finished at work and everything went smoothly today. That was my status entry yesterday. But this morning I again have doubts. You see I have been doing two people's work. Saving the company from hiring another employee. All through the use of Meth. But it is so different now. I recently have trained a few new employees to help me. But I could not slow down after getting used to doing those two jobs by myself. I have tried my best...
  12. On choosing to quit and go clean.

    I'm sorry but I've been clean on and off baring a gram or two here and there, for 15 years now. Okay it wasn't exactly clean but it wasn't a bunch of binges either. That is after my first and only year long bing, when I met some good connections, through a woman I met. Until I got busted. Another long story. Up and until this year. A couple times a year. Much of sobriety was do to unavailability. Well I've come to a point, again, to where I want to try to come clean again. Two or three...
  13. Insomnia... And a little lost right now..

    A month ago CPS came and took my kids after they said they weren't doing an investigation, that they were only going to get me the help I needed. I welcomed it gladly... Now... I've been sober, and I mean really really sober, not even pain meds or alcohol sober, I'm over the first part of withdrawals and completely into phase insomnia... Ironic much... That I hate not being able to sleep. I took drugs in extremely high doses so I could stay awake for very long periods, but all I want to...
  14. MINOR setback with 3'20mg oxys.

    hi guys. My ex told me not to talk to anyone in my family for at leat a couple of weeks since they are addicts themselfs and will drag me to hell. so my mo called end asked if i was comi g"home" today and i responded that it is impossible since i am in recovery. I cant take hard wors, critisism, meanness etc. And the she said but hose pills you eat? I said that the only pills i eat are multivitamins and levaxin, hung up the phone and blocked her!!! Started looking for benzos crazy agitated...
  15. FRIDAY THE 3:th OF NOVEMBER / Dragon is slayed, head off, GONE!!! Lucky Day

    Finally I am DONE!!! IT took me 10 years of ocycontin and heroin addiction, but I feel it in my heart I AM DONE. bless you! LOTS OF LOVE / Arkan
  16. Secret life on an addict

    Hi. I´ll tell you some of the level of secrecy involving my addiction. When I was about 27 I got admitted to a rehab in the south of Sweden due to alcohol and cocaine addiction. The only ones that are aware of this are my family (mother,brother,sister and my ex-goilfriend. It was one of those in-house 29 day deals through my work at that time. An Up-scale treatment facility where several sportstars, politicans, celebrieties et.c have taken their refuge as life became unmanagable. The very...
  17. Self Destruction - My Friend

    I was feeling great. Liking who I was without the stuff. Without the anxiety. Without the paranoia. Without the guilt. But I caved anyway. So I have that rattling around my self-deprecating mind. Then the place I usually go to find it had these guys, all selling, surrounding me, hitting on me, telling me to take their number. I won't be heading there alone anymore, and I was lucky a friend happened to be there. I just feel gross right now.
  18. Do I get to count today?

    Technically, no. But I do believe I accomplished something. Of course the night when I decide I'm finished, the night when I used up all my stash plenty early to come down and sleep like a baby, I don't. Sleep like a baby, that is. I was constantly waking throughout the entire night. I hit the alarm right up to the wire. Then I scraped whatever I could and did one line. I mean, I needed it...I was tired. Right? Ha. I made it the rest of the day surprisingly well. Yes, I was fatigued and...
  19. Self Love

    Starting over ain't easy. But that's me again. The song that never ends. I did reach a turning point, however, in the way I talk to myself. During those dark times of anxiety, paranoia, guilt, I am the worst to myself. But today while I was experiencing this, I changed my thoughts to more affirming ones. You will be okay. You are a kind and loving person. This will get better. It helped. And here's a strange thought that may or may not make sense to anyone else...my last purchase,...
  20. Day One: Hasn't Happened Yet

    Last week I spent more on the stuff than I ever could have imagined. I learned of a very beloved member of one of my circles dying of a drug overdose, and for whatever reason, gave me an excuse to binge? No logic behind that at all. I did take a break over the weekend from the stuff and from social media, but as soon as I got home Sunday night, I was back at it. I tell myself that I'll stop once I use up this stash. Then I get more. I'm curious what you, the reader, could tell me of your...
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