Cocaine Addiction Journals

Post your Cocaine & crack recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

  1. It all comes crashing down...

    3 weeks clean, and an old dealer managed to get my new number last night. He wheedled and made his pitch, I caved and ordered some. But he never showed up. Left me high and dry, with blue balls for the rock. Now I’m in a predicament, I am fiending for drugs with no outlet to get them. I can’t stop thinking about lighting that pipe. Just gotta get through it, to the other side of ok. Fucking dealers. I didn’t realize how fragile my sobriety was till it was tested. I’m having one hell of an...
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  2. writing, looking for feedback

    It is November 2011. I am 19. I am waking up on day 5 without opiates. my bed is drenched in sweat. my legs kick me awake and continue to kick* for the whole 10 seconds it takes me to decide to get out of bed. My bed simply is not comfortable. i have no energy. i am not hungry. i have no motivation to do anything. nothing sounds appealing. i have no job. i have nothing to do today besides go to my drug class. i have not consistently sold drugs since the summer. i have very little money,...
  3. shes pregnant

    would i bring a child into my world? yes, my world. not your world. theyre different. my world appears to me as a shimmering mirage, even as i walk through it. my focus brings one piece of the landscape to life while simultaneously dimming the rest of the scene. if i want "it", "it" becomes all i see. i walk through my world knowing that nothing is made of concrete- not even actual concrete. the whole world smells like play dough, and i am picasso. I walk through my world, a world on fire,...
  4. Wednesday 27th - Sunday 31st March

    I am struggling to remember exactly what I used and when... the last few days have been a blur Wednesday: 2g 5pm - ? (housemate was out) Thursday: 1g 9pm - 3am (pub then made excuses to go home) Friday: 1g 7pm - 4am (friend's birthday) Sunday: 1.5g 2pm - 2am (home alone) Think that's right.. Since 1st March:22g This is the most I've used ever :(
  5. Tuesday 26th March

    4:41am. Exhausted. 1g: 3pm - 10pm. Another g: 10pm - 3am ..sent half back to myself, it will only bite me in the but in two days... Since 1st March: 16g :'( I need to get out of here. But I have a job I really want to keep. And wouldn't be able to take time off. My nose is hard to breath through. Always sniffing. Completely deflated.
  6. Sunday 24th March

    I didn't keep my word and go to an na meeting. All talk and no do. Need to get past this hurdle. Had the flat to myself so did a spring clean, and picked up to make cleaning more "enjoyable". When the bag ran out later in the evening, I withdrew all I had left in my bank account to get another. It is 3:40am now and I still have about a third left. I feel I have to finish it asap so I can sleep. Leaving it for another day isn't possible for me. 1:30pm - 10pm: 1g 11pm - 3/4/5am.... 1g Since...
  7. Friday 22nd March

    Thursday was coke free. Friday I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. Met two friends for drinks, one wanted to pick up, I was 100% in. Shared 2g between us 3. Drank a lot. 1g 6:30pm - 5am It's now 8:35am Saturday. Feel so numb. hollow. lost my purpose and identity. Since 1st March: 12g If I continue using.... - lose my wonderful, incredible, loving boyfriend, who I do not deserve. It would break my heart if he found out - huge debt and overdraft - ruin my career - I will destroy...
  8. Wednesday 20th March

    Didn't use on Tuesday, had a lovely chill evening at home. As soon as I'd had breakfast on Wednesday I was thinking about picking up around lunchtime.. Picked up a g at 1:30pm, work was full-on so it gave me more motivation. Finished it by 10pm and bought another.. It is 4:55am now. Work in four hours. Will try and sleep from 6am-8am. shit. Since 1st March: 11g Reasons not to do coke: 1) it is ruining me, I hardly recognise myself 2) it makes me a bad friend, daughter, sister,...
  9. Friday 8th, Saturday 16th and Monday 18th March

    Went away for a week last week, it was so good, wonderful, amazing. I was free from cocaine and didn't feel I needed it. HOWEVER... The Friday before, I swore I'd go to my first NA meeting. Then work ran late, and automatically I picked up before a friend's engagement party. 1g (£60) 6pm - 3am. Returned the following Saturday, picked up straight away. 1g (£100) 11pm - 10am. Missed a get together with friends Sunday morning. Made excuses and hid away at home. Lay awake listening for my...
  10. Thursday 7th March

    I am like a bad record. Same again, round and round, on and on. Wednesday was coke free, it was lovely. Thursday I picked up and felt anxious and stressed all evening from it. Missed the gig I wanted to go to with my friends, to stay home by myself for a few hours to binge. It is now 3:45am (Friday morning). For the first time though, I felt bored and done with coke by the end of the night. I can't be arsed with it. It is destroying me. Deleted all dealer numbers. 2pm - 2am: 1.5g I can...
  11. Tuesday 5th March

    Monday was drug free. But I gave into myself this afternoon. It seems I can get through a day or two without picking up, but then I feel suffocated in cravings, and give in. Did lots of work, but turned up late to dinner at our flat. I was so nervous and paranoid when I eventually arrived. Could hardly eat or make conversation. I used to be so organised and proactive. My addiction causes me to be a let down to my friends. Nose is noticeably loud today. Friday after work I will go to NA....
  12. 04/03/19

    First entry..! Got to face the facts. 2g Saturday 2nd March 1g Sunday 3rd March My nose whistles, and is super blocked up. Quite hard to breathe. It is 2:30am (not actually that late compared to usual binges). 1g 7pm - 12. Must bite the bullet, and try an na meeting this week.
  13. The road to nowhere

    I am posting screen shots of the entry I wrote but could not post as my data ran out. The reason I am doing so is because I know if I rewrite it I will edit and it will not be as honest as it was first draft. Please view. I do hope it is legible. Please let me know if it is difficult to read and I will attempt to rewrite word for word. Thanks
  14. Arms of cocaine

    "Some ladies love diamonds Fast cars and freedom Trips to the island Castles in Spain Las Vegas card sharks Blues men that blow french harps But no strings to her heart Just the arms of cocaine. Yeah she likes to run With us high riding cowboys She says she feels a whole lot More at home on the range She can handle her feelings In most all situations She just can not handle The arms of cocaine Hey I'm just a rhymer Writing down new phrases Looking for ladies Who know I'm subject to change...
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  15. Wild ride,what's to be expected

    Hey DF peoples. It's been a long time for me since I have wrote in this journal. In one word to describe my life since I started using again has been "unmanageable". I quit my job., Lost my place, been turned down for my share of rehabs ( one cost 31,000$$$ a month WTH.... Been bakeracted twice , almost killed by the cops one of those times. I started smoking meth again on my 90th day/night clean off meth (not totally sober). On October 27 it started with two hits of acid that...
  16. 2 weeks clean

    Good evening, So this is my first journal entry. Not sure what I am looking for, but will dive in for hopes of helping someone else in my situation. Cocaine has controlled my life for over three years. At first it was very enticing, and provided me relief from any stress, anxiety, or depressive moods I was in. I strictly used in a social setting, but as such with this drug, and as time crept on, I began using frequently. I would go through periods of using everyday to periods of using a...
  17. The beginning.

    Well I’ll take a stab at finally doing this, after only pretty much lurking on the forums for years. I can’t say my present day addictions are purely or even directly the result of conditions during my childhood, but there’s always this nagging feeling that it’s at least partially true, even when I’m at my most honest, down to the level stage with myself...I know I’m not just trying to manipulate my own mind into believing lies in order to get what it wants. There is no way I ever...
  18. The beginning.

    Well I’ll take a stab at finally doing this, after only pretty much lurking on the forums for years. I can’t say my present day addictions are purely or even directly the result of conditions during my childhood, but there’s always this nagging feeling that it’s at least partially true, even when I’m at my most honest, down to the level stage with myself...I know I’m not just trying to manipulate my own mind into believing lies in order to get what it wants. There is no way I ever...
  19. Me, myself and....

    Can you rely on yourself? I often wonder that sometimes about myself. I believe a lot of us think we can. That is a very popular thing this century is self-help,self reliance, and self indulging. Just look at Facebook. People literally spend hours upon hours focused on an internet page devoted to their self. It's crazy knowing people on Facebook or Twitter with 5,000 friends meanwhile the person would not have a true friend in the whole world. When I first quit meth, I...
  20. employment opportunities

    As I sit here after a long day of work, I have my mind on someone. I have known this person for about two months. I know the old and healthy saying goes, "be in recovery for a year or more before you start dating". Which I agree with to an extent. But, yes there is a but,. She's my boss. So I don't know. We laugh and joke a lot. I know she is single and has one kid. I just think asking her out would be "not professional", and I know that dating at the workplace...
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