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Cocaine Addiction Journals

Post your Cocaine & crack recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

  1. On the road to recovery, with Suboxone.

    Looking back at the progression of my addiction, I started with alcohol and cigarettes at 15. I still smoke the same cigarettes - Belmont- and I drank like you wouldn't believe. I loved beer, then wine, then vodka. I was a vodka connoisseur, as I would try all the varieties. My favorite was Wyborowa, and Grey Goose. When vodka lost its touch (I would drink a whole bottle per night), I switched to Tequila. I would drink about half of a litre a night. There is no doubt in my mind, I had an...
  2. Times enemy

    When our lives are spinning out of control and all the pocket watches passing by us never slow Do we see the warnings floating by or are we moving to fast to see with our little eyes? Can't stop Can't sleep Can't feel Can't think. When our excuses are feeding the diseases and the hands on the clocks are counting down seasons Do we know which way is up or down or are we lost to everything and everyone around? Can't stop Can't sleep Can't feel Can't think. When our motives are driving in...
  3. Tuesday morning and I'm using for 24 hours now

    I didn't go to work today as I am so high it would have been impossible. I've done this before. Go to work high but not as high as I am now. I'm near at 2.5 grams right now and I have a half spare. I am hoping I won't need to consume it now as I have limited time until I'll havd to be at home. I will have to be at home at 6:30 pm. And appear as if I'm just coming home from work. Am in a hotel room alone and trying to jerk off but it's not possible. I would appreciate someone to chat...
  4. Making it through... one last night.

    Making it through... Questions and no answers, Elements left untold, Sitting all alone again, Wondering how it unfolds. Darkness in my mind, Heaviness on my soul, Broken is my heart, Pieces not all whole. Nightmares infest my dreams, Visions while I'm awake, Robbing all the light, Sorrow I can't forsake. Balancing on this edge, Gasping through my tears, Pleading a single hand, Falling with my fears. Defeated I've no will, Demons I can't fight, Haunted by the past, Surrender just seems...
  5. Day One

    I'm sitting in my bathroom, it's 2am and I'm about as far from sleep as it's possible to be. It's been 2 hours since my last line of coke, but I've been drinking mouthwash and smoking cigarettes since then. My girlfriend is asleep in the next room, totally oblivious to my current state. She knows I've got a problem, I've hidden it as much as possible but there have been times I had no choice but to admit what I'd been doing. She went out this evening with friends, and I scored more or...
  6. This Is Limbo

    Don't know how many days past Don't recall the memories vast Don't ponder what the meaning would send Don't have a clue where I have been Can't see what's right now Can't think of a sound around Can't tell the time that ticks Can't feel the breeze playing tricks No plans this time No dreams unwind No seeing any goals take flight No knowing if the future is a plight... Sleeping more like I'm on army drills, with all the time to kill, and no existence to fill. Seconds, minutes, hours...
  7. A New Life is Born-Addicted to Life: One month Celebration

    i reached a month in my sobriety journey, its not my first month, but a month that was very difficult to reach. very exciting day. Today was pretty important, and yet very shocking, a relapse a couple of weeks ago was very close to accuring. It would of changed my entire future. Thank god im hear though. im understanding my god more and more everyday. im paying attention more, because it shows itself too me if i notice, and i do more often then not, but im paying more attention because at...
  8. Broken Promises

    The day I found out about you, I made a promise I tried desperately to hold too. I'm sorry I screwed up baby, I'm sorry your Mama's crazy. Decisions I thought were in your best interest, Couldn't have been further from the biggest, Lie I ever told Myself And now I hold The look in your eye When I saw you cry And say you wanted to move And now I have to choose Between brother and brother Why can't I just be both of your mother My heart is torn to pieces This ache is at its deepest Is...
  9. Anger

    Screaming and raging behind the stone wall, Fighting, and crying until there's nothing left at all. Angry at the way I was born, Angry at how I was left all alone. Angry for the drugs you fed me, Angry with the way you left me. Feeling the fear deep inside, when I woke up alone in the middle of the night. Feeling the hate ringing in my ears, at how it affected YOU all these years. Rage at where you left me for it to happen all again, Rage at how I couldn't tell you that they sold me in...
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  10. Just flew past the 30 day mark..

    I remember once reading that the first 30 days tend to be the most difficult to get through. Physically, mentally and spiritually you are battling to get yourself back to a neutral level. Having just ticked over the 30 day mark I can say without a doubt that it definitely only gets easier with time.. I think the first 1-2 weeks were somewhat challenging if anything (with cocaine anyway) but it really does come down to your mindset, determination and ability to just say enough is enough....
  11. Day what?

    As I had been keeping track of my days, it has occurred to me I haven't even been clean to even start counting days. So this is whatever day it is of me making a "decision" to abstain from mood and mind altering substances. So as my days move forward, I have had some ups and downs,as far as how I feel and the amount of dope I induced. To be expected. One of the things that struck me as to why it has been such a struggle to give this up, is that I'm consumed with fear to not have this...
  12. 20 days clean but it feels so much longer!

    20 days only?? I swear it feels much longer. I guess the substantial changes that have taken place in my life in those 20 days are the reason for feeling this way. Things are going well, I've been continuing the detox, being very diligent with my diet and taking time to really research benefits of various food groups, natural herbs and healthy recipes. I want to share this great detox drink fro everyone to try, it's made with simple basic ingredients and its quick and easy to make. The...
  13. Something is working

    Day 6 of my attempt to kick dope. Did .2 earlier this morning and I felt like total shit. As a matter of fact, I still feel like shit. I've had a better appetite and less desire to do the dope. I have asked God to intervene and help me to lose the desire. Is He really doing this? I know what I believe.. I have some symptoms of withdrawal this morning, but not enough to boot up any dope. I'll try and hold off until tomorrow. I found a needle drop in my area, and they were there until 6. I...
  14. I think I'm on to something...

    I think this is day 5 as yesterday I believe I was off a day when I posted. Normally I would correct any errors for fear of readers judging me on my mistake. Well, here's something that I'll be working on. The fact that I make mistakes and I need not worry about what people think of me and if I make a mistake. Oh the dread I suffer from the fear of judgement. What a waste of time and energy... I think I'll try and put that energy into something more positive. Like giving myself positive...
  15. The struggle is real

    Well I made it through the withdrawals!!! Yay!! All that is lingering are the hot flashes. Last night I had the incredible urge to go get a G, I had it thought out and all, but just reminded myself that I didn't go through this hell for "a break" or to give my nose a chance to heal, I did it because I WANT to QUIT!!! I know these urges will come and go and when they come that's when I need to be the strongest I can possibly be!! I'm about 75% back to my normal self and look forward to 100%....
  16. A new life is born-Addicted to life: Restarting & Fighting spirit

    So I'm back, and I came with a new insight that I didn't have prior to this. I'm not perfect, nobody walking this earth surface is, that's a tough pill that I had to swallow in my life. Its not just me, I feel like deep down everyone wants to be perfect, not making a mistake, always being on time, always doing everything correctly. But that's not a possibility, I have to learn how to get over it. Its not a big deal, just something hard to deal with. I'm so not perfect that I had relapses...
  17. Day 5 no cocaine

    Well today marks day 5!! So proud of myself. It's been a long time since I've made it this far. As of yesterday and today no cravings. The withdrawals are getting easier except for the amount of sleep! I can be watching TV and just fall right to sleep. Still no energy. But with time it'll return. This was the best decision I have made, not only for myself but fo my kids.
  18. Day 3

    Well today is day 3. It's 4pm and I'm starting to lose the strength:(. Yesterday my girls (after the arguing) they did a tremendous job in helping and the one did apologize. Right now it's like I'm so tired of feeling exhausted and just would like a few lines as a pick me up, but I know that's the drug talking. This is the one time I had my husband for support. That's it for now, I just had to right this down and hope that this works.
  19. still in the shit pit...

    Why can't i climb out of this hole im in? I'm ruining myself and I can see it. somedays I'm clean most days im not. I just feel so fucking stupid and helpless. I want help. I need help. I just don't know what to do. Wishing i could wave a wand and go back to who I was before this monkey climbed on my back. somebody save me.....
  20. Day 2

    Well today marks day 2. Usually by this time I'm already thinking about my purchase, and my head is clear right now!!! Last night one of my daughters came home from work and I was sleeping on the couch (slept all day) and she had made a comment " omg she's still sleeping", well that kind of bugged me. Yes I did put this on myself, but shouldn't she be happy that I'm making the decision to quit? Well I talked to her about it and the she says "why don't you just do it then" just because she...
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