Downers Addiction Journals

Post your beta blockers / downers recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

  1. Self Sabotage

    Ive been analyzing myself heavily these last few weeks. An MDMA trip brought me into an existensial crisis of sorts. I suppose I wanted to feel happy and carefree and instead I found myself asking, "wheres it all going?". It was odd. I was with a girl who was really into the sexual frame of things and I just wasnt feeling it. Eventually I did but it was more in the way of fooling myself that I cared about her, which is not at all what I normally do. Lifes been going well, but It...
  2. (still) Anti Social

    This is going to be heavy on the self pity. Im going to be all over the board this afternoon, but hopefully it will help to write. Its one of those days when I really dont feel like doing anything. I went for a run, meditated a little, yet I remain ambivalent about everything. Pointless. Things just seem pointless. I hung out with friends last night. All they do is joke about trivial things while they drink and smoke and dont take care of themselves, and Im the idiot because I still...
  3. My Preferred Detox Method from Opiates

    Recommended/ideal method for coming down from opiates: Subutex for first couple days since opiates will still be in your system. Technically, you can still get high from opiates while taking subutex. (obviously, not recommended). On the other spectrum, Suboxone has Nalaxone in the ingredients and you can not get high from opiates while taking it. After subutex, switch to Suboxone. Be sure to taper down from subs as slowly as possible to prevent withdrawals from the subs themselves. There are...
  4. Wild ride,what's to be expected

    Hey DF peoples. It's been a long time for me since I have wrote in this journal. In one word to describe my life since I started using again has been "unmanageable". I quit my job., Lost my place, been turned down for my share of rehabs ( one cost 31,000$$$ a month WTH.... Been bakeracted twice , almost killed by the cops one of those times. I started smoking meth again on my 90th day/night clean off meth (not totally sober). On October 27 it started with two hits of acid that...
  5. So Tired

    My God. I went to a party last night, stayed out til around midnight which is a lot for me. Also I stayed a my parents house, which could have something to do with the carnival in my head. Yesterday I took half a tramadol and a quarter of a klonopin with a little kratom and phenibut and I felt fine. Not amazing, but able to interact with people and have a decent energy level throughout the evening. But man when I got home I laid in bed thinking about the work I had to do in the...
  6. Motivation

    Ive been struggling a lot with motivation and interests. Its not just that im unmotivated, its that I just dont care. I know I need to give it more effort and something will come of it but in the meantime Im bored as hell. Ive been taking small doses of benzos this week. It doesnt help much with the motivation issue. it seems like its not that big of a deal but Im already having trouble quitting when I tell myself to not take anything. I know I should focus on doing productive things...
  7. Is it Just Me?

    I went to the doctors this week and got a prescription for ativan. I really dont miss the experience of having to see an overpaid drug dealer. Recently Ive been trying more and more to put myself out there and get busy with life and have found it difficult. I just really dont care about most of the things in my life. And I think, Is it me? I turn on TV and look for books to read and I keep coming up short. There was a time when I had people in my life filling me with interesting...
  8. Carte Blanche

    Carte Blanche: "The compete freedom to act as one wishes or thinks best." Its a frightening statement for an addict. We get into trouble when we do what we want to do rather than what we should do. Im giving myself a day of carte blanche, we'll see what happens. The last few weeks ive been doing a ketogenic diet, yoga, lifting, bike riding, running, and generally doing what i think I "should" do at all times. Ive been feeling good, especially yesterday, when I made a new resolution to...
  9. Depression After the Fact

    Hi everybody, Ive been living life (semi) clean since whenever this journal began (april?). Ive gotten past the acute symptoms, which everyone says arent as bad as we think, and moved on to the soul emptying depression that goes with quitting opiates. Everyday I get up with a giant list of chores to get done. When the evening comes I feel hardly more accomplished than I did in the morning regardless of my actions. Self doubt pervades everything. What no one told me was the false sense...
  10. hellooo everyone

    how is everyone doing tonight??? if anyone ever needs to or wants to talk feel free to talk to me!!!!! i am here to try and help and support eveyone, i have been struggling with addiction for a while now and i wish i had someone to talk when i was really struggling. hope everyone is having a safe night <3
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  11. Back in hell

    i went back and got myself hooked again. It’s been 3 days without any after being on Xanax since winter. I’m having a terrible time withdrawing and still having to work my day job. Luckily my hours are going to plummet down soon here. I’ll have plenty of time to just sit and ride out the waves of this terrible hell as I call it.
  12. fuck "recovery"

    12 step puritans might crucify me for saying this, but i think the entire culture surrounding addiction and recovery needs to change. i have been to quite a few treatment centers, and there was not a single one of them that didnt force us to go to AA/NA meetings. when i got arrested for my first time, i was court ordered to go to meetings. every single sober living that i have been to made attending meetings a requirement for living there. there are many of us that have been forced to go to...
  13. still scared

    my biggest fear is not dying. not even close. i once wondered if a butter knife was sharp enough to slit my wrists. it was the sharpest thing they had at that detox. my biggest fear is not spiders, snakes, heights, or public speaking. i’m not afraid of going to jail. there have been times that i wish i would get arrested again; that society would save me from myself. i’m not afraid to lose everything on the material plane. i know how it feels to wake up on a park bench. in a shed. after a...
  14. From Down to Up Again--A New Beginning

    Hiya Pals, I'm just going to write a fairly short entry tonight (who, me?), because I have severe "Nocturnal Asthma" now, and it has been preventing me from sleeping much at all this week. I cough and wheeze and sneeze and get acid reflux all night long, and I often worry that I will literally drown in my own juices, and die a very ignominious death in my bed all alone. I was also recently diagnosed with hypothyroidism (low thyroid), and I have been on the hormone replacement medication...
  15. If I could start my life from scratch...

    If I could start my life from scratch... Thirty years has passed in what seems like thirty seconds. Where does the time go? I remember my first experience with a mood altering substance like it was yesterday; marijuana with my best friend Kyle. I was twelve years old at the time. I remember being offered marijuana on multiple occasions and always refusing out of respect for my mother - I didn't want her to find out. To be completely honest I wasn't even curious about trying weed at the...
  16. i don't belong, which is why i belong

    “i got raped by my next door neighbor when i was 6. i didnt understand what had happened. i got raped again when i was 11. i felt broken after that one. thats when i started taking my moms pills. i got gang-raped when i was 14. i was hanging out with the wrong guys, it was my fault. i got sold into sex trafficking when i was 15..” This isnt real. i look around, trying to find a sign that im dreaming. nightmare-ing? is that a thing? i see 4 bland tan walls. the shiny vinyl floor is typical...
  17. normal? we use drugs and die. thats our normal.

    normal? we use drugs and die. thats our normal. I don’t want to be friends with you. Please stay away from me. If you like me, then stay further away from me. Being in treatment is nothing new to me. I was court-ordered to my first Outpatient Treatment and AA meetings after my first arrest at 15. I didn’t understand what the fuck everyone was talking about. Slippery slopes? What? I felt very little real pain as a child. I’ll never forget my very first meeting. This guy started talking about...
  18. Still trying to kick heroin for good

    Ive left lots of gifts for heroinismyheroin at her moms house and letters for her daughter so she can see i did everything for her but she refuses to realize that her addiction and troubles are not my fault. She accuses me of her using here for my own selfish purposes (sex) shes called me 3 times for mear seconds to call me names over the past 4 1/2 months. She refuses to talk to me. She graduated drug class from laurelwood a couple months ago.i told her in a letter how proud i was of her...
  19. He was a prince

    He was raised by the electron. His father chemistry, mother biology. A lonely child with a suicidal mother and an absent father. His closest friend was a computer. His mentor social forums. Entertainment was DOS and Drug-Wars. A child of the modern age. He spoke BASH and jargon. Born afflicted with fire. Writing to strangers on the internet was his passion. Kinky videos from the age of 6 his past-time. A deviant born from free communication, curiosity and wander lust. Aspirations...
  20. Addiction medical regimine

    Benzodiazipine withdrawal has been persistent although milder than normal. Currently need Baclofen and Zolpidem as needed for the anxiety. Working on getting Naltrexone for opioid addiction as well as general cravings. Then onto psychedelic assisted psychotherapy for any residual addiction issues which I am wholly nervous about and am going to start with micro doses of LSD and Mushrooms, possibly 4-HO-MIPT and ALD-52 as they are easier to come by. This will be followed by a drug induced...
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