Downers Addiction Journals

Post your beta blockers / downers recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

  1. Dating While Sober

    Its brutal. Just thought Id throw that out there. Not dating so much as the getting to know you, picking up part of the equation. I dont know If its the acute awareness of emotions and perceptions or the loss of self confidence, but I find myself at the end of a two year stretch of being basically alone. Which is abnormal. I dont know why socializing has become so alien to all of us but I for one would like to reverse the trend.
  2. Restraining order?

    I showed up to work yesterday and my boss pulled me aside to say that a former client is filing a restraining order. Apparently shes been getting harassing phone calls and thinks that its me on the line. Never said a word to me but shes all a wreck about it. Very strange. So now Im probably going to court and pulling my phone records to show that shes a little touched in the head and im just some guy she decided to focus on. Hard to process. I dont even know this person. Never...
  3. Comfort in Pain

    I should say comfort in sickness. Is it that the sickness is a known sickness? I suppose. Its a known sickness and pain, one that ive conquered before, so I fear it less than those things that leave me confused as to where to go. Also its within my control. If I start to experience pain and isolation and god knows what mental hijinks, I can always pop some pills to go into a destructive cycle or a sickness over which I have more control. I Guess that amounts to the same. I tapered...
  4. Post surgery and Kratom

    Im now 4 1/2 weeks out from surgery on my collarbone. Its been slow going. Nothing wants to get better, and when it does it seems like I immediately throw it back out of whack. I really shouldnt complain. I got shoulder surgery covered under my insurance, my parents footed the bill for a dental implant (another bonus was a cracked tooth), and I have plenty of savings at the moment so work isnt an issue. Mainly Im trying to find a useful function for myself. Working as a trainer in...
  5. 2 years later

    Since 3-13-17 I've been eating kratom only since. Had some urges to order tianeptine or get drugs but not enough to act on them. Started drinking 1-2 beers a day before bed a couple weeks ago and vaped/ate some dabs a couple times in the last 2 years. Going to try to keep updates as needed.
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  6. broken bones

    broke my collerbone. typing with my left hand and scared of what comes next. i dont know how best to deal with this but i hope i canm cope without a negative focus on drugs. also im very active so i dont want to lose any mobility. probably need surgery and a plate. ive bnever broken a bone. uphill battle on the way.
  7. The Uphill Journey

    Perhaps happiness is found not in the brief peaks, but in the journey uphill. - Jordan Peterson Set goals and then work toward them. Thats all we can do. I saw a quote from Alan Watts today that said that the meaning of life is simply to be alive. Nice sentiment, but we all know that there are qualities of life. My thought is that the meaning of life is to fight in order to make your own life, and thus the lives of those around you, better rather than worse. Animals seem like they...
  8. Self Sabotage

    Ive been analyzing myself heavily these last few weeks. An MDMA trip brought me into an existensial crisis of sorts. I suppose I wanted to feel happy and carefree and instead I found myself asking, "wheres it all going?". It was odd. I was with a girl who was really into the sexual frame of things and I just wasnt feeling it. Eventually I did but it was more in the way of fooling myself that I cared about her, which is not at all what I normally do. Lifes been going well, but It...
  9. (still) Anti Social

    This is going to be heavy on the self pity. Im going to be all over the board this afternoon, but hopefully it will help to write. Its one of those days when I really dont feel like doing anything. I went for a run, meditated a little, yet I remain ambivalent about everything. Pointless. Things just seem pointless. I hung out with friends last night. All they do is joke about trivial things while they drink and smoke and dont take care of themselves, and Im the idiot because I still...
  10. My Preferred Detox Method from Opiates

    Recommended/ideal method for coming down from opiates: Subutex for first couple days since opiates will still be in your system. Technically, you can still get high from opiates while taking subutex. (obviously, not recommended). On the other spectrum, Suboxone has Nalaxone in the ingredients and you can not get high from opiates while taking it. After subutex, switch to Suboxone. Be sure to taper down from subs as slowly as possible to prevent withdrawals from the subs themselves. There are...
  11. Wild ride,what's to be expected

    Hey DF peoples. It's been a long time for me since I have wrote in this journal. In one word to describe my life since I started using again has been "unmanageable". I quit my job., Lost my place, been turned down for my share of rehabs ( one cost 31,000$$$ a month WTH.... Been bakeracted twice , almost killed by the cops one of those times. I started smoking meth again on my 90th day/night clean off meth (not totally sober). On October 27 it started with two hits of acid that...
  12. So Tired

    My God. I went to a party last night, stayed out til around midnight which is a lot for me. Also I stayed a my parents house, which could have something to do with the carnival in my head. Yesterday I took half a tramadol and a quarter of a klonopin with a little kratom and phenibut and I felt fine. Not amazing, but able to interact with people and have a decent energy level throughout the evening. But man when I got home I laid in bed thinking about the work I had to do in the...
  13. Motivation

    Ive been struggling a lot with motivation and interests. Its not just that im unmotivated, its that I just dont care. I know I need to give it more effort and something will come of it but in the meantime Im bored as hell. Ive been taking small doses of benzos this week. It doesnt help much with the motivation issue. it seems like its not that big of a deal but Im already having trouble quitting when I tell myself to not take anything. I know I should focus on doing productive things...
  14. Is it Just Me?

    I went to the doctors this week and got a prescription for ativan. I really dont miss the experience of having to see an overpaid drug dealer. Recently Ive been trying more and more to put myself out there and get busy with life and have found it difficult. I just really dont care about most of the things in my life. And I think, Is it me? I turn on TV and look for books to read and I keep coming up short. There was a time when I had people in my life filling me with interesting...
  15. Carte Blanche

    Carte Blanche: "The compete freedom to act as one wishes or thinks best." Its a frightening statement for an addict. We get into trouble when we do what we want to do rather than what we should do. Im giving myself a day of carte blanche, we'll see what happens. The last few weeks ive been doing a ketogenic diet, yoga, lifting, bike riding, running, and generally doing what i think I "should" do at all times. Ive been feeling good, especially yesterday, when I made a new resolution to...
  16. Depression After the Fact

    Hi everybody, Ive been living life (semi) clean since whenever this journal began (april?). Ive gotten past the acute symptoms, which everyone says arent as bad as we think, and moved on to the soul emptying depression that goes with quitting opiates. Everyday I get up with a giant list of chores to get done. When the evening comes I feel hardly more accomplished than I did in the morning regardless of my actions. Self doubt pervades everything. What no one told me was the false sense...
  17. hellooo everyone

    how is everyone doing tonight??? if anyone ever needs to or wants to talk feel free to talk to me!!!!! i am here to try and help and support eveyone, i have been struggling with addiction for a while now and i wish i had someone to talk when i was really struggling. hope everyone is having a safe night <3
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  18. Back in hell

    i went back and got myself hooked again. It’s been 3 days without any after being on Xanax since winter. I’m having a terrible time withdrawing and still having to work my day job. Luckily my hours are going to plummet down soon here. I’ll have plenty of time to just sit and ride out the waves of this terrible hell as I call it.
  19. fuck "recovery"

    12 step puritans might crucify me for saying this, but i think the entire culture surrounding addiction and recovery needs to change. i have been to quite a few treatment centers, and there was not a single one of them that didnt force us to go to AA/NA meetings. when i got arrested for my first time, i was court ordered to go to meetings. every single sober living that i have been to made attending meetings a requirement for living there. there are many of us that have been forced to go to...
  20. still scared

    my biggest fear is not dying. not even close. i once wondered if a butter knife was sharp enough to slit my wrists. it was the sharpest thing they had at that detox. my biggest fear is not spiders, snakes, heights, or public speaking. i’m not afraid of going to jail. there have been times that i wish i would get arrested again; that society would save me from myself. i’m not afraid to lose everything on the material plane. i know how it feels to wake up on a park bench. in a shed. after a...
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