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Opiate Addiction Journals

Post your opiate / opioid recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

  1. The Present

    So where am I today? Well. Now I am currently an addict. Ironic isn't it? My childhood friend died from it, and then my dad. You would think I would know better. Truth is, occasionally when I lived with my dad, he f***ed up badly by giving me some of his pain meds when I was on my periods. My periods were TERRIBLE. I went on birth control on and off to control the symptoms, but the birth control just worsens my depression, it even made me contemplate suicide. So I had to quit it. The pills...
  2. My History

    When I turned 11, my mom and I ran away. She was tired of being hit and so was I. I wanted to be free to make friends, go outside, have a life outside the dark filthy house....(It was a VERY dirty house full of animals that were not taken care of.) We moved into a really bad ghetto though. So bad I couldn't walk home without getting beat to hell by kids of the opposite race for being in 'their turf'. As early as 15, I dropped out for fear of my life. I had a fracture in my tailbone and a...
  3. Family History

    Well. My mom came from a real horrific background. Her mother was an alcoholic, prostitute, dancer, and brought home dangerous and scary men. My mother often witnessed how her mom got her beer money, on their family couch. My mom's step dad beat her, molested her, starved her. While her mother just shrugged it off because she was too scared to lose the only man that would stay with her. My mom's entire side of the family was extremely wicked. I have nothing to do with any of them. As my...
  4. Day 3...

    My ex has infiltrated the site, and stalks me from it. I could ban his handle from me, and my journal. He’d only create a new one. It’s his way. Sent me a lovely goodbye letter, wherein he leaves me to start a family with his lovely blonde admirer. I hope she has better luck with him than I did. I lay a wreath on the grave of our relationship, and turn back to my husband. Maybe there is a woman out there waiting for me. Who knows. But either way, I cannot continue my journal, as he now,...
  5. Dopamine

    Just wondering. Aren't all addiction linked to a lower dopamine levels in individual's. From food addiction to alcoholism, cannabis, amphetamines, cocaine and opiates. There seems to be a ladder as if when you dont get enough dopamine (and other signal substances) you just up the drug or use more of it. If this was the case then all addicts are born with an insufficiency in their signal substances?
  6. Dopamine

    Just wondering. Aren't all addiction linked to a lower dopamin level in individual's. From food addiction to alcoholism, cannabis, amphetamines, cocaine and opiates. There seems to be a latter as if when you dont get enough dopamin (and other signal substances) you just up the drug or use more of it. If this was the case the all addicts are born wit an insufficiency in their signal substances?
  7. On the edge already....

    My boyfriend just broke up with me because I am trying several days in a row to get pregnant with the donor instead of just one. It didn’t work last month just trying one day. Medical lit shows the few days up to ovulation are the best to try during. So it shall be. I need this baby. But his leaving me is making me want to go get 10’s fiercely. I just asked my pharmacologist friend if it will affect the conception. Awaiting his answer. It’s best we break up before the pregnancy. My...
  8. Last day of debauchery...

    I woke up this morning the last day I won’t be pregnant for the next 3/4 of a year (I hope). Insufflated 3 Perc 15’s and went to lunch w a straight friend. Paid off the man from yesterday and convinced my friend to let me hit a $60 while he drove back roads. First hit was strong. So typical me, I hit a bigger one. Held it in. Suddenly, the voices rose around me in a cacaphony, and they were after me. Things around me in the truck wavered and moved, insuinating they were indeed there. I drew...
    Tags:
  9. Clean time.

    So enough with the lies. Been clean for 9 days and its all been good. After 1 slipup. Feeling ok most of the time but today i got some sick cravings and by some miracle o didnt act on my thoughts. Been to NA meetings 5 days in a row. Feels as i need them. Still weak as hell. Wonder when my testo bounces up again. Feels a little better but not like before. Lots of love!
  10. Why couldn't I stay away from the ex for good?

    They say it takes five to six attempts for someone to leave a violent relationship, so I'm pretty much at the limit. It sucks, every time there's any communication, it always ends with verbal or physical altercations. It wasn't all bad, but most was. With the exception of a few weeks at a waitressing job I didn't try very hard at, I refused to contribute a cent after almost three years of doing so, the breaking point being in jail for a few days. I just wonder how people who've put...
  11. Still waiting

    Well I haven't quit yet. I seem to be waiting for something. I just use, feel OK for 10 minutes, then just wait. I wait for tomorrow so I can try to quit again. I am going crazy doing this, and I have to just do it. I looked for work today, and found some, but I can't start work before I rid myself of this fucking destroying habit of mine. It's completely destroying what I have left of a life. I'm glad I can write here and vent. I feel like I am talking to someone, and I need that. I feel...
  12. Topic #1 Being BPD...

    Being BPD... I like topics, I can write mountains of words if I had a new topic to write about each day. Otherwise my thoughts come out as random bits of nonsense, or so sporadic as my moods shift minute to minute or day to day. Oh the joys of being BPD. My first topic... Borderline Personality Disorder.... I could probably lists all the criteria to meet this diagnosis, but it would be far more time efficient for those who actually take the time to read my ramblings, to utilize the power...
  13. Lesser of two evils???

    I don't want to leave, but I don't want to stay... Every day it's a fucking battle. Every day it's her trying to control the situation. I can't tell her no about something without an endless stream of bull shit. I don't have to explain my answer, but if I don't I'm this rotten ungrateful bitch. It's not her damn business why I don't want to do something, she hasn't earned the right to know me, because she doesn't give a shit unless it serves her. Ah fuck it. I'm just venting now which...
  14. The things that hit the hardest...

    Everything. Everything I have been through the last year, 3 years, 8 years, 38 years.... Everything points to one person. The most toxic person to ever be in my life. My mother. So I have mommy issues... I'm not sure how that works in a mother-daughter relationship, all I've ever heard take of is daddy issues. And anytime someone mentions a mother-daughter relationship it always entails an ahhh... Response. Like they can possibly understand because they argue with their daughter or...
  15. Days 15 & 16: Pure hell for pain

    I read that too a while back. Mega huge doses of vitamin C in a study of homeless addicts. They were almost completely completely relieved and this guy/Doctor I think? Had them coming to him for more vitamin C like they were feening for it instead. His success rate was huge. Another rehab leader in the field tested it. Ultimately finding it worked all too well and because of this the people didn’t need rehab. They said too many jobs would be lost and vitamin C was never looked into again....
  16. Groundhog days

    Used again. Woke up in a panic. Got some money. I have more then burnt the bridge with that family member now. I sorta hope so. I would not dare call again I think.. But one thing I did today was got something out of the pawn shop, and gave the rest of the money to my spouse. I basically threw out the security I had for tomorrow's drug day. I am proud of that. I think I am getting closer to ending my never-ending party. My buzz was dull and I was fulfilled for about 5 minutes. I had a good...
  17. Today was better!

    So today was better. I still felt like jumping down someone's throat a little, but all in all it wasn't anything I couldn't easily deal with. I guess I'm lucky because this was pretty short lived as far as withdrawal goes. I wish I could say my energy was back, but I did feel like moving for no reason so that's an improvement! I've been doing stuff but only what I had to the last few days. I've had one day that I was out and about and I paid for it dearly the next day! Had a job...
  18. My husband had a TIA today.

    @LAC & @Lo24 You two are really the best! I just have severe back pain. It’s agonizing but @uzboth said he had the same thing on day 17 after his withdrawals and his did go away. I read it has something to do with the brains opiate receptors being suddenly free and causing pain and hypersensitivity to stimuli. It eventually resolves as those extra receptors all of us opiate addicts have shrink again to a near normal level. That’s the same as when our opiate tolerance goes back down. Oh wow I...
  19. the 2nd anniversary of my Grams death

    Well this is trippy. Here we are mentioning hallucinogens and I spoke to more daughter who tells me that, she loves LSD she’s done it a dozen times. She said she tripped really bad on mushrooms once and hates them though. Going to see her tomorrow at her new apartment. It’s really comforting to have children you can share everything with. Before anyone judges, they are adults. She’ll be 24 soon. She’s talking about trying to have babies in a couple of years too. I can hardly wait to be a...
  20. Update - Nothing has changed V1.2.1 - Groundhog Day

    Another update...I feel very depressed today. Obviously I've used again. I got money from a family member, who hung up on me afterwards. He was very angry and knows whats going on even if I didn't tell them. People aren't stupid and know. I'm throwing them yet again in the past. Something which they had somewhat forgotten. I am ashamed. Always after the fact though. Like I said yesterday, I guess I need to lie at the bottom of the barrel for a while. My spouse will get home later on. I...
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