Opiate Addiction Journals

Post your opiate / opioid recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

  1. Explaining my drug career

    Ok so in my last entry I went into not being able to quit everything once and for all after using heroin and meth for years. So let’s start in the beginning briefly then on other post I can go into details. When I was 11 years old some cousins came over (teenagers) and we walked to the store and that day was the first time I smoked weed, even though I pretended I had done this times before “of course I had”... from that day I didn’t touch anything until I was 13. In middle school was the...
  2. Are some people more valuable than others?

    I start my journal out today with a very heavy heart. I'm on the verge of losing another friend. Her death now seems inevitable, but I wonder if her life would have been valued more, if she could have survived. My dear friend Sam. She showed up to the hospital with 3 tumors that had suddenly appeared in 3 different parts of her body. CT scan showed presence of malignant process, but as shown in her results I posted, they decided on an infectious process instead, because she had a history of...
  3. The hot flashes are killing me!

    I've been thinking about the withdrawal symptoms I've experienced when I've tried to lay off the pain meds some days. Mainly, I have stomach disruptions but I have zofran for nausea, and anti-diarrheal meds if it comes to that. My main discomfort comes with severe hot flashes. Feels like I'm on fire on the inside for about 5-10 minutes, then I'm left in a wet puddle. My hair is usually soaking wet and my face looks sun burned. This can happen even when I'm taking my meds properly. It's...
  4. Every 3 hours

    Every three hours, I have to take at least 2 10mg hydrocodone to avoid the withdrawal symptoms. Recently, my doctor prescribed Belbuca in addition to these. I started taking it on a Tuesday. By Thursday or Friday I became extremely sick, vomiting and diarrhea. Initially, I thought I had the flu, but it occurred to me that it could be the Belbuca causing withdrawal symptoms. I don’t know. I stopped taking it about 24 hours later the sickness ended. I was in bed for two days completely...
  5. Opiate and meth ruined me

    Sitting here listening to podcasts talking about drug stories while still “promoting” recovery. And I sit here conflicted on whether my recovery is even a real recovery since even though I’ve been almost 4 months clean from heroin and meth I’m still using kratom and green daily. So am I even in recovery? I think from where I was at you could count it as maybein process to recovery? All I know is that the guilt I’m feeling inside is growing each time I have to buy more of either. I can’t tell...
  6. The withdrawl is over and I finally slept some, but what now?

    I wanted to start this Journal off on a light hearted note with the meme above, but in reality, that's my general feeling about how I have been treated regarding my mental health. A few weeks ago I visited my primary care physician for ongoing post partum depression and was prescribed Lexapro. I took it and fell asleep. Upon waking up I went to the bathroom and noticed my pupils were the size of quarters. I then sat down on the couch and felt unbearably paranoid. I was having an anxiety...
  7. 206 Days Methadone and Substance Free

    I came back to my account today to reread some of my old posts. I tend to do that from time to time to remind myself what I have been through. How could I forget right? Wrong! I’m clean and sober for 206 days now. Life has been great! It seems like life with addiction is a distant memory. I don’t necessarily “forget” about it, it just rarely crosses my mind. I’m actually not too happy about that. I need to remember where I came from. Not dwell on it, but still remember. I have come to a...
  8. Post surgery and Kratom

    Im now 4 1/2 weeks out from surgery on my collarbone. Its been slow going. Nothing wants to get better, and when it does it seems like I immediately throw it back out of whack. I really shouldnt complain. I got shoulder surgery covered under my insurance, my parents footed the bill for a dental implant (another bonus was a cracked tooth), and I have plenty of savings at the moment so work isnt an issue. Mainly Im trying to find a useful function for myself. Working as a trainer in...
  9. I Can't Tell if I've Already Decided...

    It's almost 1am, a time that I've come to really love and really hate at the same time. It's usually much quieter and I can feel more assured that I am alone, which is both the reason I love it and the reason I hate it. I've been off heroin for a few months now, and I've probably lost my bupe doctor for repeatedly failing for meth and missing two appointments (due to work schedule). I feel as though everything I've invested myself into fully eventually is taken away. This has been true for...
  10. Judas Goat

    Howzitgoin? Mutha's day. I guess it's pretty important to some people. Holidays don't mean shit to me. They ain't never meant shit to me, with the one exception during a 4-year period, 2013-17, back when I had somebody extra-special in my life to share them with. I was 53 the first and only time I ever experienced real love. She was 36, a heroin addict in recovery and a victim of sadistic and brutal long-term abuse. She had the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. I knew the moment I met...
  11. After effects of bullying

    [URL]https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.cleveland.com/metro/2016/07/11-year-old_cleveland_girls_sh.html%3foutputType=amp[/URL] The guy in that story, the father, was my biggest junior high bully and the reason I missed two weeks of school following my first suicide attempt at the age of twelve, though I'd been contemplating it since I was eight, when my uncle tried to kill me. He'd been raping me for two years, at this point, and the attempted murder came when I told my mom, cuz he didn't wamt to go to...
  12. The Beginning is usually a good start, right?

    Its been a long 3 years since I started. It was 3am on a Saturday when my wife came back from Shanghai to Singapore after celebrating her fathers 50th birthday. I had told her that I was having a serious cough and because of that the doctor had given me something called Dhasedyl (a 90ml combination of Codeine phosphate, ephedrine HCl and promethazine HCl). We both took half of the bottle each - because we heard from a friend that this stuff was AMAZING - and within 10 minute both of us were...
  13. Buprenorphine again

    Well I’m about to take buprenorphine again. Not because I want to, but to put an end to withdrawal. My supply ran out and didn’t get replenished in time to avoid the agony of withdrawal. I’m 11 hours past my last dose. Heart rate at 88. I’ll give it another hour unless my heart rate goes up to 100. At least this will give me a chance to reconsider whether I still want to continue on the addiction trajectory. I do have drugs on the way so it’s not likely I’ll abstain, but there’s always that...
  14. DOPE-FREE: Day 52, Intense Cravings

    I very much appreciate all posts here on DF. Many of them have helped me significantly in letting go of this terrible heroin addiction of mine... But I must question: have I really let go? Did/do you abuse heroin? Perhaps a similarly-acting opiate? At almost 60 days clean, I'm missing the drug more than I can put into words... so I thought I would ask: if you have experienced this, what have you done to rid yourself of the obsessive thoughts and fantasies? I wish I never tried it. Ever...
  15. An appeal to anyone considering opiates for fun

    To anyone considering a dabble with opiates, I know you probably won't listen to my advice to refrain, but you should. You've probably read a few books or watched a few movies that somehow made the drug seem appealing. Something about it has an allure to you. Maybe it's the element of danger, or the cool edginess of something dark and mysterious, or maybe you're an artist or writer and you feel the obligation to surrender yourself to suffering as others have before you. Whatever the case,...
  16. DOPE FREE: Day 47

    Getting close to two months, it’s hard to believe. But now I have something else to enjoy... suboxone withdrawal. I wasn’t taking much. For about 1 week at least, I’ve only been taking .5 mg to taper off. But now I’m to nothing, and boy, do I feel it... I didn’t even take it that long. How much longer will I have to deal with restless legs? Sweat-drenched nights? Depression? All of it? I mean fuck, I might as well be using dope. I hope this is over soon. I really, really hope it is. Anyone...
  17. Self-Harm and Endogenous Opioids

    This was a weird and shitty thing that happened tonight. I'm not sure why I feel so stressed and depressed, I think I might be physically sick but I can't tell. I wouldn't think the tiny amount of amph I took in the morning yesterday would still have me coming down but that's what it feels like. I got the idea of hurting myself like I used to do as a kid sometimes when feeling really low or stressed out. It's occurred to me plenty of times over the years but this time I picked up a lighter...
  18. Like a Flick of a Switch

    This morning was rough. It's the week before finals so I'm extremely stressed and yesterday took a little bit of lisdexamphetamine for a quiz I didn't feel prepared for. I ended up staying up all night despite only taking a small amount in the morning. This alone isn't too bad of a relapse for me but it gets the gears turning. Later that day the thought of kratom or heroin entered my head and I haven't used either in at least a week so I knew I could use once without getting sick. I also...
  19. An update

    I have not had any alcohol since February 27th, and have no desire to do so. I have been going to all my therapy appointments and it has helped, I am taking my SSRI's as prescribed. Those are some of the positive things I have done and am doing to fight this shit. I had a procedure done, they gave me pain meds. This time I gave them to my wife to dole them out as prescribed. I found where they were hidden on day 4 and took a bunch. I got high and it felt great. Then I went back to my...
  20. A lot has happened but nothing has changed

    A lot has happened since my last entry. Most significantly, my father-in-law died. He had been sick for several years. During his last trip to the hospital about two weeks ago, he decided to stop fighting. He was sent home to die, to spend his last days with family. My husband and I stayed with him, along with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. It was for the best, but one of the most heartbreaking experiences of my life. I also quit seeing my addiction therapist and didn't return to the...
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