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Opiate Addiction Journals

Post your opiate / opioid recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

  1. 15mg Methadone Jump

    Hello, so just a little history about me, I have been an addcit since 13 years old and I am 28 now. I was an I.V user and is now battling methadone and it's not my first rodeo this will be my 3rd time getting off and I want to get this done with once for all because I've waste so many good moments,memories,friends,family etc...I want my soul and life back as I like to say and I'm sure you do too. So I moved to Europe back in 2012 and it's where my opiate addiction really went full blown mode...
  2. The problem:

    I have a low dose codeine addiction and I need some support and encouragement to kick the habit as after 3 years I’m slowly getting worse and I’m scared for my kidneys and liver. But to be honest I’m also scared to live my life straight. I know this may seem small to some of you on here who are battling much worse and it’s no where near my lowest point thankfully but it’s still a struggle for me. I have been taking neurofen plus. Each tablet contains: ibuprofen 200mg and codeine phosphate...
  3. Three Weeks

    I finally got a glimpse of recovery last week. A new way of doing things, not just in terms of taking or not taking drugs, but in terms of my actual thoughts and behaviours. How powerful changing them can actually be. It was just a glimpse, and I slipped out of it the past 2 days, because of a stressor that I will explain further down this post - but when I slipped in my thinking, I could see myself slipping. I knew my thoughts and therefore recovery was off, whereas before that awareness...
  4. So bloody unfair

    I feel so awful this morning. My sister told me she was pregnant a few days ago, it was very early days but she was excited after having a bad miscarriage last summer. She’s woken up to a lot of heavy bleeding and so has almost certainly lost the baby. We also lost my nephew suddenly in 2012 at the age of 10. She has two other children but has always wanted another one, she felt like she should have 3 children alive y’know? It’s just not fair she’s a good person. I feel so horrible and...
  5. So sick. Jumping out of my skin day 3

    Sick as can be. I haven't been on as I can hardly lift my body to look at my ph. I'm having vivid dreams so scary. Terrible nightmares and can hardly sleep when I try. Caterpres helps legs but only just. It's the worst. Its 40 deg for 2 days here and I'm bloody freezing! Omg what I do to my body again and again. So hoping I don't give in, I've been tempted despite my wanting this so bad. Bless all those going through w/d or a drug detox I think your amazing. X
  6. Childhood and Genetics-One Reason Why?

    How did I first come about to using (and abusing) Kratom? (And before that hydrocodone and tramadol?) Well here’s the genetic reason: ( I’m not blaming my parents or my PTSD fucked up past for my choices. I just want to show the genetics factor here and possibly why I became so flippant with rules for medicines/herbs/plants/whatever. After all, Kratom is safe if you follow the rules on taking days off. Why didn’t I do that? This will hopefully at least partially explain why I didn’t....
  7. W/D's kicking in...

    I'm restless and bored. I was actually partly moved to quit when my mum rang and told me a child I grew up with o/d'd and passed. It was so heartbreaking to hear. Mum also said she can't pretend it's all sweet with me anymore and she knows I'm using again (I never hardly see her, I'm 36 my bf lives with me) she always knows. It broke my heart. I never told her or my lil sister or dad so not to worry them but she begged me not to end up dead and I don't want to either. Plus I'm over the...
  8. Day one, full of rage

    Determined pray I do this or I've got no reason to go on I have to. I sicken myself how I've lived a user for so long, ruined my body my veins my mind my morals. I hate my life I don't recognise myself at all. I live with a bf also user who all feelings but care are gone it's a fucking mess.
  9. Two Weeks

    My clean time is now measured in weeks! Well fucking done to me :) I haven't been posting here as much, had some hard days. Days when it was difficult to get out of my own head and when my mood was low and anxiety high. Sleep a bit all over the place and eating a chore rather than a part of normal life. But then something changed yesterday. My doctor told me to try and "let the light in" and to try and put some belief into recovery, and that someday I will actually feel good again, like a...
  10. Day 11 - 15:05

    The comments on my posts have been so positive and affirming. Truly, I thank you guys so much. It's the most positive thing in my surroundings by far. So I'm on day 11, we'll call it 10 days off the baby-heroin. I did eventually come home and, as expected, mom and dad completely freaked out - and we had a very difficult hour and a half conversation. It really seems like I can't do anything right by them currently and they want me to move out. And thats great, because I want that too , but...
  11. 4 months later

    My dad and a friend of ours came to visit me in august. and i remember talking about methadone and how i was going to try my best to taper down by the following summer and then quit while the weather is nice and while my mood is good (one of the many people who get super depressed in the winter). And even while i was telling them, i had my doubts i would actually be able to. Then, not even two weeks after they left i quit taking it. i had 6 carries or take-homes whichever you call it where...
  12. Day 8 - Friday 19:14

    A week without codeine. Looking back on this week is surreal. So much has happened. I detoxed from codeine successfully! Relations with my parents are at an all time low - was asked to leave the house and stay away for a few days (which I am doing) I had a huge huge fight with my dad right before I left. He had found a detox script from my treating doctor and completely freaked out. Told me I was manipulative, deceitful, careless. When I told him I was clean 5 days he said "I would...
  13. I'm such an idiot

    I'm so disappointed in myself & in desperate need of advice. After quite a few lapses I've now used every day for the last week. I'm pretty sure when I stop I'm going to be back to withdrawing. I'm so scared to go cold turkey, literally terrified. I need to be functional to look after my boys & my Mum. I still have a lot of Suboxone so I could taper again but I think I'm sensitive to them. After taking one I feel ill & freezing cold for around an hour so the thought of starting them scares...
  14. Day 6 - Wednesday 08:35

    Good morning all. 5 days clean. Have headache. I have read all about how people say getting to the gym and exercise is one of the most important turning points for them coming out of active addiction.. That is the LAST thing I feel like doing but I am really going to try. Gym and NA today are my two big goals. Then I have to drive to another city for my appointment with addiction doctor tomorrow. Staying with a friend who is definitely not sober. She loves smoking cannabis I used to smoke...
  15. Day 5 - Tuesday 19:00

    Ugh I feel worse than before. My autonomic firing high humor has dissipated. The conflict at home is wearing away at me like attrition. I can't go back to work and I can't move out until I can go back to work. I'm stuck. Counsellor wants me to go to 3 NA meetings per week. This seems like a lot to me. I'm supposed to go to one tonight at 8pm. I really dont want to. Being sober sucks and I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. I'm not even tired but I want to sleep. This was easier...
  16. Day 5 - Tuesday 15:00

    I'm full of energy. I've been flying around doing chores and bits and pieces that have been piling up unattended to for weeks. It's like I had a cloud of depression hanging over me for the past 5 months and everything I did I had to first battle through that cloud. It was't like I had no energy, more like all of my energy was being expended fighting this despair cloud. Now I have this huge surge of energy. It's definitely part due to the autonomic activation of the end stages of my codeine...
  17. Day 5 - Tuesday 09:44 am

    4 days clean. Had my first test of a truly stressful event drug free yesterday. Entirely my own fault. I was asked by my dad to pick him up in another town about 1.5 hours away. I said yes, although I was still in a bit of withdrawal (dad doesnt know about the detox). I was all ready to go and had my car keys handy and my coat and shoes on when I felt extremely exhausted and decided to lie down for 15 minutes with an alarm set to leave. Of course I never woke up until about 2 hours later to...
  18. A Leap of Faith: My Tale, Part 14 (The Halfway House, Supportive Living)

    Tribulations and Holiday Happenings I made it through the 2015 holidays. They had some nice events as part of the halfway house, including holiday dinners, a holiday party at a local nice community center with really good food, and Secret Santa gift giving, and the House gave every client a gift basket (included some wrapped gifts of a sweater, scarf, and gloves, and a coffee cup with our name on it, among other things like cookies). I saw some clients break down in tears, saying they had...
  19. A Leap of Faith: My Tale, Part 13 (The Halfway House)

    I am a light sleeper and sensitive to sound, and have bad anxiety, so sharing a bedroom with someone I didn't know was difficult. There were many rules and regulations to learn and obey, and lots of structure. The house was based on a demerit system with privilege levels. There was a curfew - must be in the house between ten pm and 7 am. You had to earn your right to have a front door key, otherwise you had to ring the bell and wait for osmeone to let you in every time. There was no smoking...
  20. A Leap of Faith: My Tale, Part 12

    The story so far... By April of 2015, I was on the verge of doing all that I could do from the small village of Livonia, outside of Rochester, New York, while living with my friend Keri. I had lived with her for about seven months after flying there sight unseen from Houston, Texas. I had lived with my parents in Houston my entire life, up to the age of 36, and had never lived on my own, never had a driver's license, not really had any jobs as an adult or completed much college, and...
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