Opiate Addiction Journals

Post your opiate / opioid recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

  1. Day 3 Opiate Taper using Ketamine

    65 year old woman have been on Percocet for 4 years for multiple back problems. Before that Vicodin. I have been weaning down for the past year. Now on about 8 mg/day Percs divided into 4 dose s (pill splitting, etc). Am ready to take the leap. Using alternative approaches to back pain and it’s working! I need support as am jumping off next Sunday. I want to feel again. My stomach is a mess, I get nauseated half the time I take the Percs now, miserable. Just to keep from withdrawing. Such a...
  2. new moods and new meds (part 2)

    So much to tell you. About half a week ago, tired of being on three antipsychotics, I stopped my cariprazine cold turkey, without talking with my psychiatrist. It's an unusual move for me -- as he says, I am "hyper adherent." Here was some non-adherence. I met with him today and talked about it, he said we should just see what happens. So far I have had somewhat increased voices, but nothing too horrible. Most of the time they don't make sense any way. Cariprazine has a super long...
  3. Craving a head change

    The saying if it's too good to be true it probably is...is how I am feeling with the buprenorphine. I have very little pain, I am happy, I have energy, I am sleeping well without the aid of my trazadone or cheeba chew, I exercised this morning and have been wanting to get back to food prepping and eating whole30. Why then, am I craving a head change? I am not craving opiates, but I want something to look forward to at the end of my day. A cocktail or smoking a joint would be nice but the...
  4. My new therapist wants to start emdr

    Over the years I have had at least 6 psychologists. Today, I found the perfect fit. Normally, during a session I cry the whole time. I leave in tears and my whole day is wrecked. Today was different. She explained the emdr and I got very excited. She talked about grounding and mindfulness which I already practice. My homework is to create a "happy/safe" place. For weeks I have been going back and forth about rehab and buponephrine. Up until today I wasn't sure I had made the right choice....
  5. Darkness

    driving home from work late last night I realized what a trigger darkness is for me. I think this is because most of my past drug use occurred under the cover of night. In 2015 I would get off my shift at the hospital at 11:15 pm and make the drive to SF, arriving at midnight. The next two or so hours I would score and then get pretty high, arriving back home around 2:30 am. I would wake up and do the same thing the next day. I never learned how to chip so my days would usually be full of...
  6. Another Break from Quitting - Plus a Looming Responsibility

    For the millionth time, I didn’t follow through on my plans. I’m not necessarily regretful about it right now, but I’m a little embarrassed that I keep fooling myself. I also feel a little guilty for not following through, due to all the support and encouragement that readers of my previous journals posted. I probably made it a little longer than I would have without the support, if that means anything to anyone. Prior to my last journal entry, I seriously thought I would stick with the...
  7. Day 5 on Buprenorphine - Wondering if it’s right for me

    It’s Monday, a week from my last appointment with the buprenorphine clinic. It should technically be day 7, but I waited a couple days to start. My last dose of heroin was on Wednesday and I started the buprenorphine on Thursday, instead of Tuesday. Everything went smoothly though. I was off the H long enough that it didn’t show up in the drug test. I didn’t have to meet with the counselor who lectured me last time. The doctor was a totally different, friendly person, where before she had...
  8. moving in the right direction...slowly

    I was able to ditch my high-concentration nicotine salt vaporizer. I was using the JUUL device with 2.5% nicotine salt vape liquid, which one pod equates to 1/2 pack cigarettes worth of nicotine. I was going through 2-3 a day, sometimes more and became concerned because I had a little chest pain at work the other day, nothing severe enough to check myself in as a patient, but enough to make me realize that I was using too much nicotine. I don't think it's good for the heart and I want my...
  9. Day 1: Take 7 - Caterpillar or Butterfly

    I guess this is technically my first day off heroin. I’ve been on a seesaw of emotions all day. One moment I’m glad I got rid of my dope (by that I mean used every last molecule); the next I’m considering ordering more. Mostly though, I’m sticking with my plan to quit. I don’t want to be addicted. That’s my primary motivation. This morning, looking at myself in the mirror getting dressed, I picked up a necklace I bought in Greenport on vacation - a sterling silver butterfly inlaid with...
  10. new moods and new meds

    i'm not doing so well. and i was doing great! how quick things change. work is dragging me down. cravings for drugs. depression with SI. i just want it to be over. had a good MD appointment, followed by a bupe NP appointment, followed by therapy. i'm starting tranylcypromine, which is a MAOI antidepressant, one of the first antidepressants discovered (1950s). it's kind of like an amphetamine, with a cyclopropane instead of an isopropane. it's the kind of med you can't eat with cheese --...
  11. Rogue Rage

    Howzitgoin everybody? My life continues to unravel and I spend half my time burrowed deep down in my writing and half the time runnin in circles puttin out lil grassfires, ignoring 4-alarm infernos I can't do much to extinguish. I can see em well enuf but what can I do with a garden hose? Do a rain dance? Gotta couple weeks meth-free under my belt, it ain't too bad, still with the anger, but far less of that today mainly cuz I avoided people, places, & things as much as humanly possible....
  12. Last Chance with Buprenorphine

    I finally went back to the buprenorphine doctor today. The therapist and doctor weren’t very friendly towards me and I suppose I’m lucky they even refilled my prescription. The therapist told me I didn’t seem committed and that an inpatient program might be a better option for me. After a lot of lecturing about the dangers of heroin and how buprenorphine doesn’t work if I don’t take it, he recommended to the prescribing doctor that I go on 16 milligrams a day. I was prescribed a one week...
  13. Not sure I’m doing this correctly

    When I started this journal entry it was late Friday night, technically Saturday morning. Now it’s exactly 24 hours later. I was in the pull out bed at my mother-in-law’s cottage. The frenzy of family had subsided. I felt like a mental patient. Like my whole day was a blur of just going along with everything in a state of passive obedience. I felt like a robot with a whacked appetite for nothing but berries and pie. I found no pleasure in my wine or Prosecco. Although I’m getting used to...
  14. Heroin was not my first best lover and worst enemy

    Heroin was not my first best lover and worst enemy. In 2011 I got a prescription for Xanax 0.5 mg twice as day as needed. In a manner of months I was up to 2 mg three times a day, which is the usual max dose. And I needed it every day. The more I took, the less it worked, and the more I needed. By 2012 I was up to 12+ mg a day (not prescribed). I was basically on Xanax every waking hour, usually in a black out. Soon I was getting into frequent car accidents. When I didn't have Xanax my...
  15. My first real day on buprenorphine

    Today was my first day on buprenorphine intentionally, as in I took it because I want to quit my opiate addiction, not because I ran out of heroin. I’m away from home, with family on the North Fork of Long Island where everything is quaint and beautiful and overpriced. $10 for a pint of blueberries! They’re fresh from the farm. I bought a $10 pint of blackberries to keep the blueberries company. We went to the rock beach on Long Island sound. The kids swam in the cold water with their brave...
  16. My Anger is Really Startin' to Piss Me Off

    Howzitgoin, everybody? I chose the 1st of the month so I can chart days at a glance. So unless I fuck up in the next few hours I got 9 days off the hielo. I'm done with the detox phase and I've wasted no time jumpin right into the "abrasive & offputting SOB" phase, which I'm enthusiastic about. I've decapitated a few morons already. When I'm comin down from meth is a bad time to be jerkin me around, or askin me idiotic questions, or interruptin me when I'm busy. And STUPID never fails to...
  17. Pressure, temptation, and vacation attempt round 2

    A friend who knows about my heroin use told me, “It’s time to stop and I’m pretty committed to that.” How lovely it would be if another person’s commitment could bring my addiction to an end. I know his intentions are good and he just cares about me and wants to do something. He’s plotting some sort of intervention, I think, after learning about the vacation plans that blew up in my face last week - a botched transition to buprenorphine. I took the maintenance meds too early and went into...
  18. Time fly! Doing well

    It's been a while since I wrote anything here so I thought I might give you all an update. I'm doing pretty well. It's almost two months since I had any psychotic symptom, which is pretty amazing considering at the beginning of the year it was a daily struggle. I have just started a job I love. It's at a pharmacy, where I always wanted to work. My boss and coworkers are great people, and I'm honored to work with them. Many people say, "wouldn't working at a pharmacy be tempting, since you...
  19. A vacation ruined by precipitated withdrawal

    I’m sitting in a cold doctor’s office at the urgent care. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t need a note to get my airfare refunded - roughly $1,000, according to my husband who insisted I come to this place. I don’t know why but I can’t bring myself to be honest about what’s going on with me. I can’t tell my husband because I’m afraid he’ll be devastated and I don’t want to tell the doctor because I don’t want this on my current medical record. Maybe I would tell my regular general...
  20. Yesterday started off good..ended badly

    Yesterday (Thursday) morning started out amazing! Day 9 cold turkey off 2mgs Suboxone I woke up feeling great! I was a little weak in the knees but other than that, physically and emotionally I was feeling pretty damn good! I showered, and walked to the bank, stopped at the store and picked up a twisted tea to have later in the day. Smiling and feeling grateful all the way! While checking out at the store I saw an elderly woman in a wheelchair ahead of me. She had three very large bags of...
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