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Opiate Addiction Journals

Post your opiate / opioid recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

  1. Todays battle

    So i've been seeing on here that this might be a good outlet to use for going through hard times in recovery so I thought I'd give it a shot. Today was one of the hardest days for me to stay sober. The biggest issue is I don't even know why today was so hard. The constant noise between my ears maybe? One thing I know for sure is I have found temporary relief, helping others going through struggles. Its funny, throughout my years battling addiction, I have used many outlets to achieve...
  2. Making it through... one last night.

    Making it through... Questions and no answers, Elements left untold, Sitting all alone again, Wondering how it unfolds. Darkness in my mind, Heaviness on my soul, Broken is my heart, Pieces not all whole. Nightmares infest my dreams, Visions while I'm awake, Robbing all the light, Sorrow I can't forsake. Balancing on this edge, Gasping through my tears, Pleading a single hand, Falling with my fears. Defeated I've no will, Demons I can't fight, Haunted by the past, Surrender just seems...
  3. Oxy bout. Round 13

    Hello everyone, Day 34. This morning woke up just feeling.... Good, I know hard to believe... And worked up enough energy early to start just kickin butt on chores. And I hate chores lol. Trying to get the house looking good again. Which seems impossible with 2 kids... But I'm doing what I can, and really only after 34 days. I'm actually feeling. Okay/good. Like wow! Honestly I'm far from out of the woods. And I trust me I know how scary day 1 is. Shit it was a month ago. But sometimes all...
  4. Oxy bout Round 12?

    DF, I don't know if this is true or not, but I think the month mark is like. The "getting off the station" point. And someone please correct me if I'm wrong. But today I was even thinking about going to the gym!?! What!?!.... Don't get me wrong. I thought about the "grip" (everyone has a different name lol) today, but maybe only a few times. Yes! I did just say that. A FEW TIMES so little I can't even remember the point where I thought about it. So if I got a month can I get a year?... I...
  5. Vicious cycle

    How do I stay clean? That's a really tough question. Getting clean is easy as fuck. Staying clean is a disaster for me. I've been through opiate withdrawals a thousand times. You would think I would have learned by now. Nope. Working, taking care of children, maintaining relationships, and battling an addiction is almost too much for me. This thing has got me by the neck and won't let go because I can't seem to say no. That's all I gotta do is say no and move on with my day. Instead I say...
  6. Oxy bout. Round 12

    Community, Yes I am still here. And still going okay... Sorry haven't posted in some time, created another thread on the recovery page with little more detailed of problems. Also writing this for Rain.... Your awesome! I don't know where you are at, or what you have been doing. But I'm in your corner! And it maybe a huge reason for this entry. Day 30, An hour ago marks a month clean. Wow.. how did I do it?... It amazes me how the body can heal after so much damage, don't get me wrong...
  7. Change in regimen

    change from 5 days doctor, 2 days weekend take-Home to 2 days doctor, 5 days take home. Time for a bit more responsibility, doc says. BBW
  8. A New Life is Born-Addicted to Life: One month Celebration

    i reached a month in my sobriety journey, its not my first month, but a month that was very difficult to reach. very exciting day. Today was pretty important, and yet very shocking, a relapse a couple of weeks ago was very close to accuring. It would of changed my entire future. Thank god im hear though. im understanding my god more and more everyday. im paying attention more, because it shows itself too me if i notice, and i do more often then not, but im paying more attention because at...
  9. Had a lapse yesterday

    was feeling lousy, got some seeds, made some tea, and drank it. Felt decent for a few hours, but of course regret it. Committing to being back on track going forward - still have a few suboxone strips if I need it, maybe I'll take like 3-4mg/day for a week or two to make sure I don't relapse again, and hopefully move on from this point drug-free. Also got 30 2.5mg Ativan pills, been taking these sporadically when I feel my stress level trending higher. I also tried kratom a few times but it...
  10. Recovery Journal listing what has helped me quit Fentanyl

    The first step in quitting Fentanyl - 1. I wanted to quit for me. There the fear of over-dosing and guilt is mixed in with that, but it was my choice to quit. 2. I had a support system of people that wanted me to quit. Physical Withdrawal Symptoms – 1. Accepting that the process includes feeling intensely sick and remember that it does pass. Read in DF what is likely to happen and how long it takes for the symptoms to pass. 2. Having someone close to me that I trust...
  11. Insert something clever here...

    Well. What do you do when you feel like your life as an addict was so much more gratifying and happy than being sober? That's kinda where I'm at right now. I know I should be thankful to be clean and not dead with the way I was going, but honestly I'm not. I'm waiting for that moment of clarity where it's like, "okay, this is why I got clean and will not touch heroin ever again." I'd probably still be using if not for the fiance saying he was done with it and I had no choice if I wanted to...
  12. Oxy bout. Round 11

    Special thanks to peewwe, and torn! Even the simplest words have huge impacts. I'm rooting for you peewee. I'm in your corner. One day at a time my friend. Day 22. Still feeling the same things. No appetite. Buy I have noticed that I'm actually doing things again. I know if I could have slapped healthy diet, I would feel a lot better, and would be doing a lot more. Anyways still just pushing one day atta time. Koda
  13. Friends that use are not as fun as Fentanyl

    So a funny thing happens when friends find out you're having another surgery. They come over to tell you their problems. May be they think that since you are lame, you are a forced audience. Sometimes they bring things with them - like Maria. She brought over cookies and then ate them while she sat crying on my couch. I didn't have any milk but I did have a full tissue box. She thinks her son is smoking the dope, but couldn't say if that meant marijuana, heroin or cocaine. I scored no points...
  14. Day what?

    As I had been keeping track of my days, it has occurred to me I haven't even been clean to even start counting days. So this is whatever day it is of me making a "decision" to abstain from mood and mind altering substances. So as my days move forward, I have had some ups and downs,as far as how I feel and the amount of dope I induced. To be expected. One of the things that struck me as to why it has been such a struggle to give this up, is that I'm consumed with fear to not have this...
  15. Oxy Bout. Round 10

    Guys, Well I'm still here. Still taking it one day atta time. Day 19... Whew who woulda known. Sorry haven't posted in a few. But feeling back to normal-ish. Just having a couple problems. I posted em on the forum. But energy is finally coming back. Just slowly.... And still struggling with RLS, and sleep, and now eating. If you would have told me at day 1 I was gonna make it 18 more I would have slapped you and laughed in your face. But still just taking it one day at a time. Can't make...
  16. Most things suck.

    I don't feel like I can say "everything sucks" since it doesn't. But, most things do. I just feel like shit all the time, physically and mentally. I feel like I'm just going through the motions every single day. I'm only okay when I'm busy. Ever since I gave up opiates I feel like I have to stay on the go. I can't just kick it like I used to. Given, I was high as a kite so sitting in bed watching Netflix wasn't hard. It just feels like I can't relax anymore. When I do, my mind just races and...
  17. Been a few days

    Well, I haven't posted anything in a few days. Not that everyone was waiting by their laptop for my next post. I feel like complete shit. I have little to look forward to and little desire to wake up. Bad place to dwell in, but I guess this is part of the deal. I used a little dope which makes me feel good for about 2 hours and then I'm back to zero energy. Last night through this morning, I was sweating profusely and now I have that smell. The smell of a sweating detoxing dope addict. I'm...
    Tags:
  18. Day 74

    It's been so long since I've kept track of my time clean that I had to use a date calculator program to figure out how long it's been. Turns out it's been 74 days - about 2 1/2 months. I'm happy that I've made it this far. Honestly, I didn't think I would make it this far. This is the longest I've been clean in several years. But things aren't all sunshine and rainbows. I've been depressed for the last two weeks and I had a using dream the night before last. I've barely left my bed except...
  19. Oxy bout. Round 8

    DF, Yep still kickin the ol' can around still. Also want to say good job to pee! We're doing it one day atta time. Well, day 14... It's kinda sucked. Don't know why. But all day I was like "f it imma just do one. One won't kill me." Then I was at battle with another battle saying "screw that. That's why I have a sub. Imma just pop half of that and be good." But in the end I just took some really big rips, and paced a hole in my living room... Just overall not a great day, especially since...
  20. Something is working

    Day 6 of my attempt to kick dope. Did .2 earlier this morning and I felt like total shit. As a matter of fact, I still feel like shit. I've had a better appetite and less desire to do the dope. I have asked God to intervene and help me to lose the desire. Is He really doing this? I know what I believe.. I have some symptoms of withdrawal this morning, but not enough to boot up any dope. I'll try and hold off until tomorrow. I found a needle drop in my area, and they were there until 6. I...
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