Opiate Addiction Journals

Post your opiate / opioid recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

  1. Shoppin' for my Tombstone

    1-23-19 Howzitgoin everybody? You know you've gone a lil too far when you turn on the local news and featured on the segment called "U.S.Marshal's Most Wanted" happens to be someone on your speed dial. Last week I had an unexpected house guest for a couple days. I fear Fat Jack ain't long for this world. One of my dealers, Fat Jack (which distinguishes him from two other dealers also named Jack) has the misfortune to be a slave to his own merchandise. When you wanna go shoppin for your...
  2. Suboxone taper day 3

    I've been on some form of drug since 13 yrs old and daily since 15. I'm 40 now. I've been on everything you can name and the past 14 years has been methadone and suboxone. I started suboxone after leaving methadone October 2017. The past 6 months I've gotten down from 16 mgs to 1.5 mgs last Thursday, 4 days ago. Once hitting 2 mgs I started feeling okay once I got settled at that. I've been at 2 for a few months. 16 to 4 was easy and quick. 4 to 2 was harder and I've tried leaving 2 a couple...
  3. Feel and look much better

    I was looking at my old mugshots the other day. Jesus Christ, I looked like a corpse of unidentifiable gender. And was 30 to 40 pounds lighter. I guess when you get accustomed to looking like shit from using, it's not as startling as when you're in recovery. I wish the mugshots websites would get taken down, I really hate being haunted by a visual memory of my lowest point in life. All is well now, fyi. I've been slacking on meetings cuz I'm no longer in IOP......I plan on attending four in...
  4. Trouble with stimulants

    I am an opiate/downers type of guy, never thought I’d have trouble with stimulants. I’ll tell you the story. There are some nights that I work til midnight, get home at 1 am, sleep by 2 am, and then have to wake up at 6 am. Some people maybe can operate on 4 hours of sleep, i sure can’t. I was nodding off while driving and while in class. I came to my doctor with the problem and he prescribed modafinil 200 mg for those late-to-early days. It worked great, only my insurance would only...
  5. DOPE FREE- DAY 2

    Going on 2 days. I can say with certainty that I’m not craving heroin at all, even the slightest. But my feelings of shame and disgust with myself for making the decision to go back to something which ruins my life, harms my relationships, does nothing but cause pain and build resentment... those feelings are more present than ever before. Off the dope, and using buprenorphine to help keep my mind at ease. The constipation is definitely not helping, however... hoping Miralax works some...
  6. I went to therapy

    I went into the therapist yesterday. I left feeling really good about it. She is compassionate and experienced. I just woke up and don’t feel as good about it and I really want to use. I was told that is going to be normal in the beginning while going through this. She told me I have PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, and told me I am full of holes. Like swiss cheese lol. It all makes sense and I am grateful for it. I was 100% honest with her. Held nothing back and let her know that I was ready to...
  7. DOPE-FREE: DAY ONE

    Day one... Almost complete. I'm trying to remind myself that it's not about the time. It's not about getting through each day. It's about living each day, moment by moment... Mindfulness is key, and I guess you could say that withdrawal is a beautiful time to practice. Time to stay in the moment, even if the moment involves some pain and suffering. Perhaps this is what I need to experience, to keep me from going back to what causes all of that pain and suffering to begin with: heroin. The...
  8. Getting honest and facing demons.

    If I am going to do this I am going to do it right. Really commit to it. With that being said I am going to try and post here as often as it feels right to do so. I listened to my phone messages last night and had one from the psychologists office telling me they had an earlier time and day for me to come in. This freaked me out. Why? I am not sure. Or I wasn’t until I thought about it a bit. If I go in earlier I will have to face my demons earlier and what if she is a crappy therapist? What...
  9. Parental Advisory Explicit Content

    1-13-19 shitfuckpiss, howzitgoin everybody! Firstest and mostest my apologies to my friends here for leavin em hangin, especially to the ones I promised crap like "i'll always be here for ya" right before I did my duck dive, or did you even notice my chair's been empty awhile? But yeah I always end up findin a way to fuck up the good things that come my way. Anyway, I left; I didnt say shit, just drifted off. I guess this site is a microcosm of my real life, I've left a trail out here too....
  10. Opioids and Alcohol a 4 year struggle.

    The first time I had an opiate I was 17 years old and had meningitis. They prescribed me 60 Vicodin 7.5’s. I needed it for sure it was to date the worst pain I have ever been in. But as I came down to the last 3 pills I realized something important. I loved these things. I love the emotional pain they took away as well as the physical. Lucky for me it was not overwhelming and I did not chase the high. I was just sad after the last one wore off. Now I know about PAWS and how hard it can be on...
  11. One year off of meth! It sorta flew bye.

    Sitting here, scrolling through the recent activity page, it dawned on me that today is January 10. Last January 10 I was coming down from my intended last hoo-ra with meth. I was staying with the person who supplied me then. He was actually quite supportive of it, as I was on several waiting lists for dual diagnostic treatments and IRTS programs. The leading treatment was a place that after the first 30 days, I would have been able to transfer to a less restrictive building for women with...
  12. 72 Days Methadone Free!

    I wanted to post an update on my journal to look back on and to possibly help others. After 5 years on methadone I can finally say I am 72 days without methadone! I couldn’t be more proud of myself. I took kratom for a little over 3 weeks to ease withdrawal symptoms and then weaned off of that. It feels great to be clean of all substances, but it has been overwhelming at times. I FEEL things now. I feel emotions that I haven’t felt in years. The cloudy brain is gone for the most part and...
  13. A final ketamine experience

    Today will be my last ketamine treatment. At least for now. I know that the doctor will let me come back if it need it in the future; hopefully I won’t. It has been so helpful. I was hospitalized for 21 days in July. The doctor I had there was convinced that no pill could help me. She insisted I try deep brain stimulation — where an implant is placed in the brain, just behind the nose, and and electrical stimulus is run through the brain from a little pacemaker implanted in the chest — or...
  14. Want to know what scares the shit out of me?

    The fact that I can't function without a substance. Granted, this year I went from IV fentanyl to suboxone to tianeptine-I still need something to feel human. When I don't have it, even once the physical withdrawls are over, my brain never quite fixes itself. Prozac worked for a while, but there's a max daily dose they can't go past. Depakote makes me balloon up like a fucking whale, not doing that again. So, I stick to my fast acting antidepressant I get in the mail. I get so nervous...
  15. Some food for thought concerning take-home doses vs. daily Methadone dispensing

    After I went to my methadone doctor every day for over nine months I have had a talk with her about how I want to have my future methadone regimen. It is either staying on daily visits or a single visit per week where I am dispensed that day's dose and get a script for the rest of 6 days. On one hand I was always going there with a good inner feeling because I was occupied for some hours in the morning and because they know how to provide a positive atmosphere, even though one only came...
  16. Sixty days!

    i have 60 days clean! Well 62 today actually, the 60 day mark passed by unnoticed. I guess that’s a good thing in a way? I have been very busy with work and with visiting family. I think the buprenorphine is working well. I am steady at my dose of 8.6 mg (equivalent to 12 mg of suboxone). I see my nurse practitioner in a couple of days. I have no cravings or desire to use drugs, and no symptoms of withdrawal. I think I am going to stay on the buprenorphine for a while now, since in the...
  17. So Tired

    My God. I went to a party last night, stayed out til around midnight which is a lot for me. Also I stayed a my parents house, which could have something to do with the carnival in my head. Yesterday I took half a tramadol and a quarter of a klonopin with a little kratom and phenibut and I felt fine. Not amazing, but able to interact with people and have a decent energy level throughout the evening. But man when I got home I laid in bed thinking about the work I had to do in the...
  18. Motivation

    Ive been struggling a lot with motivation and interests. Its not just that im unmotivated, its that I just dont care. I know I need to give it more effort and something will come of it but in the meantime Im bored as hell. Ive been taking small doses of benzos this week. It doesnt help much with the motivation issue. it seems like its not that big of a deal but Im already having trouble quitting when I tell myself to not take anything. I know I should focus on doing productive things...
  19. I need people to talk to

    here I am again! I relapse about every month or two it seems! Why can’t I stop this? I’m so sick of it!!!! I want my old life back. But the lack of energy and not sleeping keeps getting me!!! I have a two year old to take care of. I need advice and a friend!
  20. Things that would be worse than how I feel right now:

    In the spirit of being an optimist, here are ten things way worse than waiting a few hours for a dose cuz I'm stuck with family, celebrating a holiday I don't believe in: 1-a garden hose colonoscopy 2-being crushed by a falling piano 3-the world running out of black eyeliner 4- finding out the guy you like has a tiny dick 5-running out of gas in freezing weather 6-getting fat 7-getting disfigured in an awful accident 8-cancer would suck 9-if there was no more fast food 10-if...
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