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Opiate R&A Journals

Post your opiate / opioid recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

  1. Day 74

    It's been so long since I've kept track of my time clean that I had to use a date calculator program to figure out how long it's been. Turns out it's been 74 days - about 2 1/2 months. I'm happy that I've made it this far. Honestly, I didn't think I would make it this far. This is the longest I've been clean in several years. But things aren't all sunshine and rainbows. I've been depressed for the last two weeks and I had a using dream the night before last. I've barely left my bed except...
  2. Oxy bout. Round 8

    DF, Yep still kickin the ol' can around still. Also want to say good job to pee! We're doing it one day atta time. Well, day 14... It's kinda sucked. Don't know why. But all day I was like "f it imma just do one. One won't kill me." Then I was at battle with another battle saying "screw that. That's why I have a sub. Imma just pop half of that and be good." But in the end I just took some really big rips, and paced a hole in my living room... Just overall not a great day, especially since...
  3. Something is working

    Day 6 of my attempt to kick dope. Did .2 earlier this morning and I felt like total shit. As a matter of fact, I still feel like shit. I've had a better appetite and less desire to do the dope. I have asked God to intervene and help me to lose the desire. Is He really doing this? I know what I believe.. I have some symptoms of withdrawal this morning, but not enough to boot up any dope. I'll try and hold off until tomorrow. I found a needle drop in my area, and they were there until 6. I...
  4. Oxy Bout. Round 7

    Hello all. Yep still here. But I have encountered a little bit of a problem. So this post might be a little lengthy compared to others. So starting out I'm not actually on day 7-9 or whatever. Yes, I went through those days but I'm actually on day 13 (I'll try and catch up the SS's) So day 9 or 10 I actually started to get something back. Maybe a little energy and strength. Still battling insomnia. And RLS. Day 10 All the same as the previous. Just slightly improving every day. Same...
  5. I think I'm on to something...

    I think this is day 5 as yesterday I believe I was off a day when I posted. Normally I would correct any errors for fear of readers judging me on my mistake. Well, here's something that I'll be working on. The fact that I make mistakes and I need not worry about what people think of me and if I make a mistake. Oh the dread I suffer from the fear of judgement. What a waste of time and energy... I think I'll try and put that energy into something more positive. Like giving myself positive...
  6. Oxy Bout. Round 6

    Df Community, Today is the day I truly get tested. The Re-up... Not going to lie pretty damn nervous about that. But I believe that I've put in the hours and days to hold out. My brain is just swimming with ideas. Also I don't know what it is. But my feet hurt! But mainly only the heel. And on the arch sometimes. Any suggestions? Wish me luck. Koda
  7. Early entry today

    Well, here it is day 3. Confusion and fear run ramp-id. As I still am using, I've managed to only consume about .2 today. I guess it's better than a half a gram. My biggest fear is that my money supply is just about run dry (forced detox). This could be a good thing. Rent is due and I have no way of paying it. Oh well, what's the worst that can happen? I live in my van down by the river? (at least I have a little sense of humor) I tried to go to work today, but I sat down in the lounge chair...
  8. Oxy Bout. Round 5

    Community, Wanted to start off by saying thank you to those who's have given any kind of comment, you guys and gals are awesome. Anywho's.... Day 6/7ish Finally maybe coming out of the worst of the storm. (Still in some sort of storm, just not the worst part) still dealing with horrible insomnia. Have to load myself up with weed, or Ambien/soma. This probably isn't the best at all. But 3/4 hours is better than 20-40 minutes. And RLS is still a constant. And now my shins and feet hurt...
  9. I got funding!

    Sorry for going quiet. I relapsed big time, habit got bigger than its ever been and was eating diazepam to get proper put of my face. used with my ex a lot and she would keep the naloxone kit next to her incase I went over. I was really out of control. but somehow I made it to all the meetings and interviews I had to do for the funding panel and somehow I got it! So I'm day 2 into my cluck and as soon as the worst is over I'm of to rehab. I'll only be allowed my phone for an hour at...
  10. A new life is born-Addicted to life: Restarting & Fighting spirit

    So I'm back, and I came with a new insight that I didn't have prior to this. I'm not perfect, nobody walking this earth surface is, that's a tough pill that I had to swallow in my life. Its not just me, I feel like deep down everyone wants to be perfect, not making a mistake, always being on time, always doing everything correctly. But that's not a possibility, I have to learn how to get over it. Its not a big deal, just something hard to deal with. I'm so not perfect that I had relapses...
  11. The big lie continues

    Here I am day 3 of the most abysmal attempt to quit the dope. It sounds so good to be clean and free, but I just can't seem to get out of my way. WHAT makes me think I can do this on my own? Oh,ya, my delusional thinking.. At what point did I think I was God, and just stop using? My ego haunts me daily. My delusional thinking has me convinced that I am capable to stop using. I may be the weakest human being when it comes to willpower. I know God is the only source that will relieve me of...
  12. FUBAR - U.S. Military term for screw-ups

    I would rather go through the physical withdrawal 100 times, then deal with the depression that come afterwards. I thought I had a plan, but it was no where enough to get past how low I feel. The pain hit me with a vengeance. Alternative means of dealing with pain just didn't work. My doctor wants to use Gabapentin as a means to deal with chronic foot pain. I don't get it and so far it's not working. He has not cut my prescription of Oxycodone - yet, but I know he is planning on it. I think...
  13. Oxy Bout. Round 4

    DF Community, First off thanks Heart, and Aem. For the support and advice. Maybe when and if I can scrape together some cash I'll be able to get some extract. Anyways... Day 5 It's a very very late night and very early morning. Probably about 3 hours of sleep. If that. And the RLS is still just daunting. But I am still holding strong. Can't make any promises of how long I'll last. But.... My mind is different this time around. Maybe that's the "X" factor. Thanks for reading Koda
  14. Oxy bout. Round 3

    Hello again Community, Yes still here. I was up at a wedding 800 miles away. Man that was a trip (without anything!) Day 4/5 so yes I'm still doing okay. The sleep has still been bad. But the RLS is still worse. I've been coping with the sleep due to Ambien. Which I really hate taking. Because I know of the consequences. Leave it at that for now. Req, thanks for the feedback. Appreciate that a lot. And for the bath. It's kind of hard to around my home. Especially every hour. But I do...
  15. Every day struggle.

    So I decided to start a new journal, since my first was about my most recent relapse and I feel I'm past that head space. I last used in late March (opiates, anyway) and I've been doing fine staying away from them even though the cravings are still near constant. Buuuut, me being a moron I have gotten wrapped up in a less deadly but more toxic relationship with an A-PHP derivative...fuuuuuuck me. I naively thought that I had enough of a handle on myself after pulling myself off the DOCs to...
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