Other Drug Addiction Journals

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  1. 4th week tapering Kratom

    I've tapered down to 1/2 gram, had one set back when I took a gram after I had to put my cat down. I was devastated, my poor sweet cat had to be put to sleep so she would not suffer. It was the hardest decision I've ever made. Now I'm at 1/2 gram Kratom in the evening and have only been taking 250mg tianeptine sulfate and I have felt very depressed the last few days. I'm considering doing a Ketamine infusion tomorrow, but those are so short lived. I will get approval for more TMS, but...
  2. Time for change (and other updates)

    Well hello again, it’s been a while since I did an update on life. School is out and the kiddo is on summer break, which makes my hours at work hard. Speaking of work, I am forced to seek other employment now. Things at my job are quite stressful and there is way too much drama, sadly, caused by the owner and manager. I’ve worked over 91 hours this last pay period, and almost 200 the last month only to be told I need to start watching my hours. This is quite frustrating because the reason I...
  3. writing, looking for feedback

    It is November 2011. I am 19. I am waking up on day 5 without opiates. my bed is drenched in sweat. my legs kick me awake and continue to kick* for the whole 10 seconds it takes me to decide to get out of bed. My bed simply is not comfortable. i have no energy. i am not hungry. i have no motivation to do anything. nothing sounds appealing. i have no job. i have nothing to do today besides go to my drug class. i have not consistently sold drugs since the summer. i have very little money,...
  4. Tapering Kratom 3rd Week

    Yesterday I dropped down to 1gram Kratom. My tianeptine sulfate dose is about 350mg daily, divided doses. I was advised not to exceed 400mg. I definitely feel an antidepressant effect from the Tianeptine and want to begin decreasing that to a minimum dose after a month off of the Kratom. My alcohol intake though is higher than I would like. I love red wine, and the past few days have had about 2.5 to 3 glasses in the evening. It's spaced out over several hours, and I eat food, so I don't...
  5. Comfort in Pain

    I should say comfort in sickness. Is it that the sickness is a known sickness? I suppose. Its a known sickness and pain, one that ive conquered before, so I fear it less than those things that leave me confused as to where to go. Also its within my control. If I start to experience pain and isolation and god knows what mental hijinks, I can always pop some pills to go into a destructive cycle or a sickness over which I have more control. I Guess that amounts to the same. I tapered...
  6. second week tapering Kratom

    Yesterday I reduced my Kratom dose even more to 1.5grams and I will continue this dose for the whole week, then drop to 1 gram and see how I do. Though this is good, my Tianeptine dose has increased a little bit to 300mgs daily which I do not want to exceed. However, I also don't want my depression to come back full force, especially because I have had such a terrible week at work. I also hurt my back a few weeks ago that I'm finally going it to have checked out as it is not getting much...
  7. Explaining my drug career

    Ok so in my last entry I went into not being able to quit everything once and for all after using heroin and meth for years. So let’s start in the beginning briefly then on other post I can go into details. When I was 11 years old some cousins came over (teenagers) and we walked to the store and that day was the first time I smoked weed, even though I pretended I had done this times before “of course I had”... from that day I didn’t touch anything until I was 13. In middle school was the...
  8. The Road back to health and balance

    I have a history of an eating disorder and meth addiction in my early to mid-20s. This was probably brought on my rough childhood, bad parental role models, and bad choices. I was very fortunate to come out of that relatively healthy and successful with my career. I had a bunch of mental health problems that finally stabilized but left me with very severe depression, but I was nevertheless able to complete my education and fulfill my goal of working in the ER in one of the highest paying...
  9. Post surgery and Kratom

    Im now 4 1/2 weeks out from surgery on my collarbone. Its been slow going. Nothing wants to get better, and when it does it seems like I immediately throw it back out of whack. I really shouldnt complain. I got shoulder surgery covered under my insurance, my parents footed the bill for a dental implant (another bonus was a cracked tooth), and I have plenty of savings at the moment so work isnt an issue. Mainly Im trying to find a useful function for myself. Working as a trainer in...
  10. Slow....

    Yeah, I haven't even BEGUN writing this. As you see, thats how my mind works... I lose interest and motivation quick. And so much has happened since I posted... wow.... SMH, got a new charge, lost my job, totaled my car.... lmao oh and met another ice skater who mind fucked me gooood. And she is still mind fucking me... because I am allowing this to happen to me. WTF, why am I so self-destructive?!
  11. 2 years later

    Since 3-13-17 I've been eating kratom only since. Had some urges to order tianeptine or get drugs but not enough to act on them. Started drinking 1-2 beers a day before bed a couple weeks ago and vaped/ate some dabs a couple times in the last 2 years. Going to try to keep updates as needed.
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  12. The Uphill Journey

    Perhaps happiness is found not in the brief peaks, but in the journey uphill. - Jordan Peterson Set goals and then work toward them. Thats all we can do. I saw a quote from Alan Watts today that said that the meaning of life is simply to be alive. Nice sentiment, but we all know that there are qualities of life. My thought is that the meaning of life is to fight in order to make your own life, and thus the lives of those around you, better rather than worse. Animals seem like they...
  13. Balancing the art of Life

    It’s been a bit since I wrote anything, life has been happening and now I seem to be learning the things I should have learned a long time ago. Balancing it all. Okay it might not be a lot, but it’s the first time I’ve had to learn to balance; parenting, work, self-care, home life, and relationships. I’ve done the whole relationship and work bit, but that was way before I became a mother. I was on disability when I got pregnant with E, and took to stay at home momness with ease. I am no...
  14. Ketamine is over

    Just a quick update about something I've written about in the past. I sought out the help of ketamine when I was rejected from doing more ECT due to memory loss. It seemed the only thing to try other that Deep Brain Stimulation -- and I don't want brain surgery. I had about 20 treatments (by comparison I've had 32 ECTs), and the help it gave seemed to diminish with time. At first my response was great. It seemed to help with my psychotic symptoms too. Ultimately though, I had a...
  15. Started again

    Like the title says. But I am not gonna beat myself up as I quit smoking cigarettes after forty years cold turkey and I think meth had something to do with it. I am not saying it’s a great route to go but it definitely helped. I didn’t have any withdrawals from cigarettes and for some odd reason I have been able to stay away even when previous triggers hit. So for that I am proud of myself. No more cigarettes after forty years of one plus pack a day. I will be stopping the glass pipe...
  16. (still) Anti Social

    This is going to be heavy on the self pity. Im going to be all over the board this afternoon, but hopefully it will help to write. Its one of those days when I really dont feel like doing anything. I went for a run, meditated a little, yet I remain ambivalent about everything. Pointless. Things just seem pointless. I hung out with friends last night. All they do is joke about trivial things while they drink and smoke and dont take care of themselves, and Im the idiot because I still...
  17. 1 Year clean and free from Buprenorphine/Opiates

    1 year ago today, I decided I was sick of my day to day life dependent on having pills. I took my last dose and prepared for a ride through hell. I had read so many horror stories of people trying to quit so I was absolutely scared to death but subutex for 5-6 years and opiates for a few years before that had saturated my body. Something had to give! I jumped from an average daily dose of 24-28mg and these horror stories I read were from people jumping off at less than 2mg a day. I was just...
  18. 5 weeks in my suboxone taper

    I've gotten down to 1 milligram the past couple weeks and now I'm at .25 (1/4th a mg) twice a day. Its day 2 at half a mg a day. I do it twice so at night I will be able to sleep but I've actually been 100% fine as long as I wait a week and a half or so to drop again. I started prozac and wellbutrin just to keep the depression away some because I'm already a pessimist and I dont need any help in getting darker. My goal is to skip a day soon just to see if I can do it...or I may just do...
  19. Smoke this, don't smoke that

    Been using cannabis again, twice in about three weeks. Feel okay about it. Been more open with my therapists so that's helping maintain accountability. Got a new job as a Residential Counselor, it's a four day workweek with one double a week (16 hours). I'm a bit worried about coping with that and last night I laid in bed thinking of what drugs I could do to make that easier. Modafinil? Kratom with DXM? Caffeine Pills? When I talked to my current partner she said that I could tolerate the...
  20. My Preferred Detox Method from Opiates

    Recommended/ideal method for coming down from opiates: Subutex for first couple days since opiates will still be in your system. Technically, you can still get high from opiates while taking subutex. (obviously, not recommended). On the other spectrum, Suboxone has Nalaxone in the ingredients and you can not get high from opiates while taking it. After subutex, switch to Suboxone. Be sure to taper down from subs as slowly as possible to prevent withdrawals from the subs themselves. There are...
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