Well it's been a long time since I last came here and I thought I would post an update on my current situation if anybody is interested. Well, when I went to the recovery team after my last post, I had the intention of getting onto Subutex treatment and working from there, but when I got to the appointment, the doctor had already written me a prescription for methadone so rather than wait another week to have my script changed, I accepted the methadone option so as to get off the gear sooner rather than later. Anyway, 4 months down the line, I had a full time job, car, new house, money to spare. I was 100% compliant with my methadone script and was not using on top. I was not having cravings, and life in general improved a hundred fold.
Cue November 2013. A close family member was diagnosed with throat cancer and was given only a few weeks left to live. This coincided with my reduction of methadone dose from 30mg down to 0, reducing at a rate of 2mg a week. When I reached around 18mg, I started to feel ill again. This, coupled with the stress and concern that had been created by the impending death in the family, I relapsed. At first, it was just occasional use, but before long, as ever, I had redeveloped a full blown habit. The problem this time was that because of how well I had done beforehand, I now had so much more to lose and low and behold, I did lose it all. I stopped engaging with the treatment provider, stopped taking methadone, and turned back to heroin.
After deciding that I was done with it, I used subutex that I had bought on the street to detox myself from the heroin. This was in around July 2014. I used Subutex, starting on 8mg and reduced my dose by half each day until I was on nothing. After this, I remained clean for 3 weeks before I was involved in a horrific car accident. When I crawled from the wreckage of the car, I knew something wasn't right. After trying to stand and feeling all the tendons and ligaments in my knee literally tear apart as my kneecap relocated itself onto the inside of my leg, the pain was excruciating. I was taken to hospital in an ambulance and was given morphine. Disaster. I had the taste for it again. I had cravings again. When I finally got home from the hospital, I stumbled my way up to the pickup spot and scored myself some "proper" painkillers, as opposed to the mickey mouse ineffective things they had prescribed me at the hospital. Since then, I have been firmly back on it.
This year, I have promised to myself and my fiancee that I will get back into work, get back off the gear, and fix my now horrendous financial situation. So in about an hour, I will be back at the drug and alcohol recovery service in my local area, with the intention of getting back onto a script and rebuilding again. This time I am determined that I will be using Subutex, as I think the fact I was given methadone the first time I engaged with the service was one of the worst decisions that had ever been made both by and on behalf of myself.
I have occasionally over the last year taken subutex tablets that I have bought on the street. One thing I have noticed is that when I take subutex, I feel better physically and mentally than I do when I have taken heroin. However, for some reason I simply cannot motivate myself to take the subutex most days, because I know it then rules out my ability to smoke heroin if I was somehow able to find the money for it later in the day. I know it's stupid because I don't even feel good when I'm on heroin, but I do when I have taken subutex. Not only this, but the subutex doesn't destroy my financial situation the way that heroin has done. Does anybody else ever have this problem? Knowing that subutex would be the perfect thing to take but just simply being unable to convince yourself to take it? I feel almost like I'm creating some sort of a wanton suffering but it isn't as simple as that I'm sure.
Anyway, hopefully get a script for subutex today and need to make a conscious effort to take it and not be stupid and have gear instead. Sorry for the rambly nature of this post, I just thought I would fill people in with what's happened over the last 18 months so that people can see how my recovery has peaked and throughed over time. I will post updates in the next couple of days once my latest round of treatment is commenced.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. If anyone has any suggestions or tips just let me know. Also, if there is anything I can help anybody else with from my experience, feel free to ask me and I will do my very best to provide you with whatever information you need. Look after yourselves my fellow DF'ers. Stay safe. Stay beautiful.
Cold Turkey Heroin Withdrawal. - Part 4