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Day 15 - finding strength when you feel like giving up

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  1. These last two days have been HARD - I hate it that when it seems things in your brain start to get better, something switches off and you feel like shit again
    I've been so depressed these last two days, it's really fucking with me. It's not fair - when I am doing everything right. I wish I never fucking touched pills... & I wish my brain would just get it together. It's hard to even get out of bed today. I wish I knew when this pain will go away, I don't do well this mood swings. :(

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  1. Hopeless78
    Thank you @Illdan , it doesn't feel like I am doing good right now, but considering how awful I feel, the fact I can stay away from pills is pretty fucking mind boggling lol. I just keep thinking of how depressed I was toward the end of my relapse before getting clean, crying on the way to my dealer's house - it has to get better sometime right? FYI, I am pretty damn amazed at the fact you were able to stay clean for so long, a year is something to be really proud of - as for a lapse here & there, don't coun them; it's all part of this journey right?
  2. Illdan
    Yeah you're right Jonny. What's done is done and I can't take it back. I need to start giving myself some credit because in the last year or so I've managed to almost eliminate my habit. It's just the boredom from not working and the stress that accompanies being unemployed gets to me from time to time. I'm spending so much time trying to find a job and I'm just constantly getting shitted on. It gets a little disheartening after a while. I'm sure that I'm not gonna use tomorrow though. I really didn't want to do it today to be honest.

    I don't know if I told you or not but I'm back to living in my old neighborhood. I was walking back from this little diner down the street this morning and ended up running into someone that I know who I used to get high with from time to time and that's all it took. Just had a '"fuck it" moment. I only got one bag and the shit was kinda garbage anyway (thank god.) Even with a low tolerance I really didn't get much out of it.

    Hopeless it WILL get better. You're doing so good. Like you said "just remember how shitty you felt and how hard it was to get to the point you're at now." It's great that you have a job that you love. It's important to feel like you're actually contributing to society and doing something with yourself. I know that me not working is my biggest obstacle to overcome. This shit's hard when you have to spend a lot of time alone with your thoughts like I do.

    Jonny, it's probably a good thing that you're gonna be broke for a little while. That may just be enough time for you to get your mind right and to start feeling better physically.
  3. Hopeless78
    Jonny, sorry to hear you're feeling like shit, I definitely hope we both feel better asap - thanks for the support, and I am so glad go hear you got 11 days clean (no need to count that one bag, all that matters is that you're clean right now). Have you ever noticed how when you get clean, bad shit just seems to stack up on top of itself, as if the universe is testing you? I don't know if it's just because when I was on pills, not a whole lot bothered me, or if nothing bad actually happened. I feel like someone out there is fucking testing my strength, especially these last few days because bad things just keep happening which are making me more depressed. I'm not giving up though, I made it this far - I am crossing my fingers HARD for both of us, we both deserve a break man. Really hope you feel better soon, I am working today but I can feel myself crumbling and just holding it together while I am at work.
  4. JonnyBGoode
    Hey Hopeless glad to hear you're hanging in there that's great you're managing to work and keep it together I think that's the healthiest thing to do to stay clean if you're physically capable of working. I'm having a similarly shit time at the moment I've come off Subutex which I've been on for 8 days just a quick taper to take the worst part of the withdrawals away and then for the last 3 days I've had no Subutex at all, apart from smoking one bag two days ago I've been clean since then so it's day 11 today excusing the minor indiscretion of a bag. It's pretty shockingly bad to just be around currently i've also got to work but just have no energy at all and then I'm not sleeping well either might have to get some valium tomorrow if it doesn't approve I've been taking amitriptylines for sleep but they don't work so well as benzos. I'm also hoping by next week I catch a break I don't get paid til the 24th and I am too broke to buy any drugs before then any how so i'll be clean but I hope I feel better. It does sort of go in weird cycles like that so lets hope for an 'up' week for both of us, also congrats on almost 3 weeks off opiates that's no joke.

    @Illdan

    Well you've done it now mate may as well just enjoy the moment while it lasts then kick yourself afterwards, you've done a long stint of being clean mate you've hardly used at all the last almost a year or something though you've had a few major blow outs on a occasion as well. Just get back on the wagon once this has finished and don't go right back on a massive run cos my last 'run' lasted about 8 months and put me in thousands of debt !
  5. Hopeless78
    @Illdan , thanks for checking in; so sorry to hear of your lapse - don't give up, just keep trying! I know how hard it is... I am still here, holding on. Last few days have been particularly bad, but it just reminds me how much harder everything is this time around and the fact that I just couldn't do this all over again, and that keeps me clean. It's also making me realize how strong I am; I am still making myself go out and do things, even though the last two nights have been spent crying away before going to sleep. I have managed to not call in sick for work though - thankfully I love my job & it keeps my mind busy. This week has been fucking shitty, I am hoping I get a break next week and things get a little bit easier - I'll be clean three weeks next Tuesday. I hope you find the strength to fight through and not give up though - I am always here if you need to vent xo.
  6. Illdan
    How are you holding up hopeless? Hopefully better than I am. I'm currently in the process of flushing a few weeks of sobriety right down the toilet! Kicking myself in the ass right now...
  7. Hopeless78
    Thank you @Rainflake , it's been a really hard two days, my depression has really
    taken me by a storm - I keep hoping it will get easier soon. How are you doing? xo
  8. Rainflake
    This happened to me too. I think there is an initial high of feeling your achievement and it wears off. And your brain has a lot of chemical resetting to do until it can find its normal levels again.
    Recovery is a bumpy ride, you will have highs and lows until you can reach "recovered". Maybe even face some demons too.
    But even on days you feel down, you are still achieving! Every day is another day free of the oxy. Another step in the right direction.
    You can do this xx
  9. Hopeless78
    Well, today was fucking tough, I cried A LOT - but I went to a meeting & counselling and didn't take pills, so that's something to be proud of. Goodbye day 15, hopefully tomorrow will be a little brighter.
  10. Hopeless78
    I have so much hope and respect for you Gonzo, I know and read the shit that you have been through in this past while - I truly know in my heart you're going to be able to stay clean during your trip, you're so strong, and remember, YOU have that choice. Anytime you feel weak, send me a message xo

    I'll try some meditation in a little bit here.