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Day 20 - it's been a tough three weeks

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  1. Been a little while since I did a journal entry; this is what happened last time, I stopped posting, stopped talking about it all & then I relapsed. Not happening again that's for sure - I have to be consiously aware of everything this time around.

    Well, I am definitely feeling better then last week. Last week was full of last night crying and wondering what the fuck am I doing & how the hell am I going to make it through. I have noticed my mood has levelled out these past few days & although I am nowhere near normal, I at least don't feel hopeless. I think I am now at the point where I was last time when I relapsed. Now that I don't feel so depressed, I just feel so 'neautral'... or bored I guess? Keeping myself occupied helps but at the end of the night, that uncomfortable 'everything is whatever' feeling is still there. It's only been three weeks - I know it won't feel this way forever. Last time I made it to one month and two weeks off Oxys. This time it will be forever - I will feel HAPPY at some point, right? I have to.

    Thanks for everyone's continued support - I am keeping up with Smart recovery meetings & I got a new therapist. Off to dinner & a movie, hope everyone had a good weekend.

    xo

Comments

  1. OLLIE27
    It gets better. I made it to 106 days and felt great.
  2. Hopeless78
    106, wow - that's awesome; thank you, I just need to keep hearing it from other people who have been there and know it gets better. Are you still clean and counting?
  3. Illdan
    Whats up hopeless?

    It says a lot about your character and your level of self-awareness to have the ability to look back at what you've done wrong in the past and vow to not repeat the same mistakes. That's growth!!! That's what we all need (including myself) if we're really gonna have a shot at defeating this monster. You're doing it beautifully Hopeless.

    To me it sounds like you're at the same stage as myself with this battle. That 'flat' (for lack of a better world) emotional state where everything is just so.... blah!!! That's really a great space to be in though. That's progress. Even though it feels like it at the moment, it will not last forever.

    Whatever you're doing, just keep doing that because it's obviously working for you.

    Keep it up and if you ever feel the need to talk you know where I'm at...
  4. Hopeless78
    Thanks @Illdan , I was having an extra shitty day today, and your comment cheered me up a little bit. It's helpful to hear from others that I am doing well - I am my wn worst critic, trying to be more compassionate to myself but it's hard man! So much easier to give compassion to others... next week I'll be at a month clean and I don't feel nearly as well as I thought I would by now. Last time I relapsed around 37-40 days, so I am hypervigilant of the next several weeks... ugh that 'blah' feeling lol... it WILL go away, right?! It has to... how are you doing?
  5. Illdan
    I'm doing good Hopeless. Still riding the sober train lol. I haven't used since my last little slip-up, so that's always a good thing.

    As more and more time passes and as I continue to 'rack-up' more clean time, the thought of using is slowly starting to lose it's appeal. Slowly but surely I feel like I'm finally learning how to cope with things, such as..., my emotions, my relationships, my financial worries..., pretty much the things that I've always tried my best to avoid during the time that I was actively using.

    It's a process but I'm getting there... and so are you.
  6. Hopeless78
    So proud of you buddy, good for you - how many months do you have now, not counting the little slip up @Illdan ?
  7. Illdan
    I honestly have no idea Hopeless. Over this past year I've only had one small run that left me physically addicted and that was a few months ago. My sleep is only now starting to get back to normal.

    Besides that I've had a few fuck-ups here and there but I've somehow managed to get it in check every time. I think I can count on one hand how many times I've used on consecutive days.

    Fuck these drugs Hopeless... I'm done!!!

    Up wit hope... Down wit dope lol!!!
  8. Hopeless78
    That's awesome man - hearing your story and others' gives me so much hope beating my own shit. Last time I only stayed clean for like a month and one week or so, so I am excited to see how I feel in two months, since I don't know what that feels like, hopefully much better then right now lol @Illdan
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