Would you believe that I’ve spent a week in Disney World with my family?
It has been 38 days since my last dose of pst and I’m feeling great. Had some emotional hiccups, but seem to be on the right path. Haven’t had a single craving to drink the tea but I can’t say I haven’t had a single craving to escape, or have more energy, or just feel that euphoria, but even those cravings are few and far between because my mind then immediately goes to all the baggage that comes along with such a disgusting habit.
A few weeks ago my husband (in a bipolar depressed state) decided he needed to leave the kids and I. Now, he has done this before, sometimes not even telling me where he is going and turns his cell phone off for days. It frightening for the kids and I, especially when I can’t hold it together and am an emotional wreck. This time was different though, it was more planned and real. After much back and forth and begging for his return, he cane back as if he never left. I won’t go too much in detail about it all except to say, he had had enough of my shit, and I don’t blame him. The switch just flipped in his mind. He had been mostly caring and supportive but partly due to his bipolar and partly to the reality of being married to an addict, it finally hit him. I think that freak out needed to happen, it’s like he needed to punish me for all the lying I had done. It just didn’t seem fair to him that I should get away so clean. Technically I haven’t gotten away clean. I will eventually need to come off the suboxone. In the last doctor’s appointment I went to, I told the doctor I’d like to lower my dose but he said I should be mentally stable for that. I will admit I was suicidal when my husband was trying to decide if he should divorce me. However, I feel like the doctor has no qualms about me being on this medication for a longer time than I expected. Hell, I wouldn’t mind taking it until Kingdom comes but if I ever want to be a normal person, need surgery, have a unmuted orgasm or drink beer (we own a liquor store), I’m going to need to get off it.
Getting back to my current state. I’ve had an incredible week with my family enjoying the most wholesome of activities and it feels incredible. I was very fearful of how I was going to hide bags and bags of seeds and tea while on a 2 week vacation, so thank God I'm free of that shit.
I did forget to take a pill the first day of being in Disney World. We had just arrived at the park and it took us over a half hour to get there, we were late to our very special breakfast reservation and meeting my very easily angered father. Needless to say, I decided to go the day without the suboxone and managed to make it until 6pm before taking it. It was 95 degrees and 99% humidity and pure torture but I did it and didn’t really feel much withdrawal symptoms until an hour or two before I was able to take it. The sweating was extreme but I persevered with little complaining.
I just wanted to quickly check in and share my ups and downs in the past month. When I have more time and am not falling asleep on the computer, I’ll write a more thought out entry. I find it extremely therapeutic to arrange my feelings and thoughts regarding my addiction, into words. I also find it very helpful to read about other people’s experiences with addiction. I only hope that this journal can not only help me, but help others going through addiction issues and transitions into sobriety. Good luck out there!
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Day 38 on suboxone