Detoxin momma:things are changing for me. - Part 34

By detoxin momma · Oct 11, 2014 · ·
  1. i had a very busy week,and I survived lol...

    but,i just don't feel the same.

    I feel very slow and unsure of myself.

    im really noticing it in my car,particularly in my parking.its hard to explain,but im leaving my car in odd spots in my driveway.places ive never parked before.
    and when I park at a store I do a terrible job.
    parking way before the curb and even parking on the lines.its very odd.
    I literally look at it and think,i cant believe I parked like that.

    I have rescheduled my last 3 psychiatrist appointments because I haven't seen any point in going.
    but im going to actually go this Wednesday and see what he has to say.
    I guess it cant hurt and im curious if any of this is normal.

    im having to think ahead to when baby comes and how im going to handle feedings.
    I plan to breast feed but I know youre not supposed to take any meds when doing that.

    so I wanna talk to psyche doctor about what I should do.
    I cant believe im saying it,but I think I do need some kind of drug to help get me focused and out of this funk.

    I feel like my personality has changed.i feel like I am gone.and im just a vessel going threw the motions at this point.
    it feels like im pissed at the world.
    especially my husband.

    he is the one who wanted to have another child,not me.
    yet I am the one who has to change and get stuck with all the dirty work.

    he gets to go on about his business,popping his sleeping pills, and going to work and popping wellbrutin, without having to be phased by anything.noone making him swallow his issues for the well being of baby.

    I on the other hand cant even sleep or work without taking Tylenol for back pain.
    and I feel like im gasping for air daily because im so stressed.

    im tired of all the doctors telling me how unsafe it is to take anything for any of the issues im having.
    mental or physical.
    its not fair.lifes not fair.
    and im becoming very bitter in general.

    ive passed the half way mark,and im so anxious to get this all over with.

    when I tell my husband how pissed I am,and how unfair all this is,he says he wont take his sleepaids when baby comes.
    but that's not gonna help anything.
    we cant both be tired.we cant both be unfocused at work.we have 2 other kids to think about.

    so,it all comes down to lifes a bitch.

    wish I could say I feel better after getting this out,but I don't.because I know things will just get worse.
    I think im stressed and tired now,just wait.


  1. AKA_freckles
    Hey DM, I hear you.
    I was totally done at 3 kids, and we got pregnant again despite some incredible odds. I told my husband I couldn't do it, that I was stretched to the limit already. I felt like my oldest got lost in the shuffle of having two more babies back to back and I was just getting back my relationship with him. I wanted time with the kids I already had, not a new baby to focus on. As harsh as it sounds, I was totally ready to end that pregnancy but my husband insisted.

    I was so mad at him, he never did the grunt work of raising them, plus I was working 3 or 4 days a week and was just totally overwhelmed.

    It has not been easy, in fact I really did have a breakdown, but now I truly couldn't imagine our family without her. She is the glue that really pulls all the different personalities in our family together. She is the toughest funniest sweetest kid in the world. Apparently my depression didnt affect her in utero. I had a lot of guilt about that, but now I can just let it go.

    I hope this can help you somehow. I just want you to know where I was at, and where I am now.
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