wow,again I am impressed by the support and encouragement here.it really does make it that much easier to speak my peace.
I would encourage everyone that ever reads this journal to do the same.
its so much more beneficial than in real life.where everyone judges.
even my psychiatrist I feel I cant trust.if I tell him that im feeling this down and out,and pissed at my situation,i have to worry about him making some kinda report to family services saying that im unstable and unfit parent or some shit like that.
that's what ive been worrying about.ive never been in any kind of trouble.my kids have excellent school records.i don't use drugs,except pot.i have as happy a marriage as one could hope for.and my home is very well taken care of.
but then I got him throwing around terms like bipolar,panic/anxiety,and OCD disorders....trying to dope me up and change my personality.telling me how dangerous an untreated bipolar person can be....
gimme a break.i do not need these kinds of notes being made about me.know what I mean...
but,when I was there the other day he said he didn't need to see me again until after I deliver,and we made an appointment 2 weeks after my due date.
totally confirmed my gut instincts that he really doesn't care to talk.only prescribe drugs.not really surprised.
also I had the glucose testing appointment last Friday.the one where you fast for 12 hours then drink that strange drink and get your sugar tested.no calls so I guess all was normal.
my obstetrician gave me a knee brace and an order for physical therapy to help with sciatica.i start this Friday.
there supposed to determine if I need pain management.
I want that damn injection!
im not out to get drugs,i want instant continuous relief.
it feels like im just being strung along in hopes that i'll quit bitchin and eventually it will be time to deliver and I wont have the pain anymore.
even I feel that way sometimes.like I should just suck it up and hang in there til February and see how I feel then.
but I cant!when im on the couch im on a heating pad.
when im driving or sitting at computer im on an icepack.
ive finished off the creams I had for my leg injury,Topricin and voltaren.
and I take 4 Tylenol a day.
the words"i cant"have become part of my daily vocabulary and im pissed about that.
"mom bring me my backpack",i cant.
"come look at this huge frog in the pond",i can't.
"come sit in the bathtub with me babe",i can't.
"lets go to the river and catch minnows",i can't...
uggghhh.its very hard to not feel sorry for myself at this point.
I quit one of my houses yesterday to.not because the actual work is too hard,not easy either,but because the drive is too far.
its almost an hour drive and sitting in the car pushing the gas pedal for that long is killing me.
the source of my pain is in my right buttock.it feels like theres a fricken rock wedged in between my tailbone and hip bone.
still not sure if its pregnancy or work related,guess it doesn't matter.
im thrilled to be starting physical therapy,anything has to help.
im sure they'll teach me exercises,and im nervous about that though because im 25 lbs heavier than I should be and belly will be in the way.
but,im jumping threw all the hoops,and something has to help.i cant complain if im not going to try.
anyways,i gotta change the subject in my mind before I start crying again.
thanks again for all the optimism everyone.