Detoxin momma:things are changing for me. - Part 38

By detoxin momma · Oct 23, 2014 · ·
  1. today I am having a battle within myself.

    I got word tuesday night from my lil sister that our mother is in the very bad shape.
    when her sister she was mooching off died recently she wound up shacking up with a guy down the block from her sisters.noone else would take her in.

    well shes been complaining to my sister for awhile now that she thinks shes dying.cant eat cant sleep cant function.
    I told my sister I would come pick her up and we'd take mother into the hospital next time she complained.
    never happened.the guy wound up literally dragging her into the hospital 4 days ago.

    I stopped in the hospital yesterday because I was in the area.she was having an operation and I didn't even have to see her.but I did speak with her nurse to get the full story of whats going on.

    she was getting a brain tumor addressed while I was there.
    nurse said it was golf ball sized and they had to get the bleeding to stop before they can remove it,and its benign,so not cancerous.

    shes also having serious digestive,and breathing problems.severly dehydrated to.

    their giving her antidepressants and something for alcohol withdrawal.also on a morphine drip.

    shes 62 years old,and has no one to speak for her,or even be there for her.also she has nowhere to go once released,which wont be for awhile.

    their not done running tests on her either.mostly focusing on the dehydration and brain tumor right now.

    the first thing they say is,we have no one down for emergency contacts for her,and she needs a living will and power of attorney.

    this is where I don't know what to do.
    I don't want to be responsible for her decisions,and im not sure if I even consider her a loved one.
    im her oldest full blood brother hasn't spoke to her in 20 years and has no desire.
    my half siblings are all 25 and under.their all a mess as well.

    mostly im worried about my little sister.shes only 22 and she probably will end up being the one that has to be there for her.
    they have more of a relationship than we do.i have a stepmom who stepped in to take care of me when I was just 5,so shes my mom.not my biological mother.

    ive tried over the years to create some kind of relationship with my mother,but we always just end up fighting.the chic is insane and just has no common sense and no matter what the topic of discussion she always makes herself the victim.
    victim victim victim.thats how she always turns it around,and its bullshit.she takes zero responsibility for anything that's ever happened,and it pisses me off.and that's where we always leave it.

    so,im feeling guilty about not being more involved with her care right now.but im not signing my name on anything related to her.sad but true.

    she has nothing.not even a drivers liscense.and im not having anyone calling me about anything regarding her.
    call me a bitch,but it is what it is.
    I just feel for more sister because shes more gullable,plus she never had anyone else step up to care for her as a child.
    she got bounced around in foster care her whole life and she is more hopeful that our mother has some decency in her.i know better.

    so,here I am wondering if I should go to the hospital today.i don't want to.but I cant help but feel sad for mothers situation.its sad to think of her coming out of major surgery and no one there waiting to see her.breaks my heart,but ive learned over the years investing any emotion in her will blow up in my face in the end.

    just makes me feel even more cold and shutoff.and why do I always end up being the one sucking it up and doing the'right thing'....not this time.i cant be spread any thinner.
    someone else is going to have to step up this time.

    yeah right,i bet I end up at the hospital by the end of the day....


  1. Beenthere2Hippie
    This is a tough one. So sorry you're facing it. And sorry that you have nothing but terrible memories of your mom.

    But what I am more concerned with is You and Yours.

    I've been around long enough (will be 62 in February) to have observed that 1) difficult, unfinished life challenges that we shy away from (even out of justified anger and resentment) when they happen tend to stay with us and haunt us years later, sometimes for the remainder of our lives. 2) What you do for yours, will be done for you. Call the second karma, if you will. And the old saying that what goes around, comes around also applies here, to a degree.

    Obviously, it's easy to understand why you have no interest in getting involved emotionally or being in any way responsible for your mom, with all that you've explained about her. It also makes perfect sense that you want no part of the responsibilities of caring for her, tending to her, housing her or being her POA (power of attorney). You have in your own life and responsibilities a-plenty to take care of, along with your new baby on the way as well.

    But --and I hate to But you--but I do feel that knowing you the little that I do, that if you do "nothing" at all for your mom at this point (considering the seriousness of her conditions) that you may carry a lot of guilt about it years down the road, worrying if you could have, or should have, done things differently.

    Thar is why I'd suggest that you continue to keep an eye on mom, at a distance, as you're doing, and help your younger sister whom the bulk of the responsibility will fall on to be as successful as she can helping your mom, with your help, also at a distance. I agree with you that you should not get directly involved with your mom again, unless, by some strange twist of fate she "grows" a new personality, which, as we know, is more than highly unlikely.

    I'm pretty much just reiterating some of what you've already said in your own post earlier about what may be your best way of approaching this. Truth remains, like it or not, you are the eldest child, and the one, it appears, with the most heart and sense who instinctively knows you have some role here, but what is of not clearly defined at this point. Meaning, you'll have to play things by ear and get a feel for how much is the right amount and how much is too much as you go along on this. Otherwise, do not get more involved, is my opinion as well.

    So, do try to be there for your mom in some way, even though she has consistently not been there for you, or your brothers and sisters. You are a much better person than she is; and you have to live with yourself, dear Momma, when this is all over.

    You also have to remember that your own two children are both watching and listening to all aspects of how you deal with this life challenge. Some day, when you're old and needy (not like mom, but in a normal sense of the phrase), they will remember the lengths you went to to be there for a member of your family, no matter the difficulty and straight-out inconvenience of the whole matter invovled. You are the role model for your own kids as well as that woman's daughter. And you, I believe, can make this work, from a safe distance. In fact, I know you can.

    My hat is off to you, sweet dear. Please do let me know how things go, all the way round. You are truly in my thoughts.

  2. Kitts
    Hi Momma,

    I kind of agree with BT2H. I don't think you should completely shut out your biological mother either. And the most important people here are you and that little one. Especially as recently you have been feeling so poorly (good call on that doctor btw).

    Is it possible that you can go through some high-yield actions; things you can do that will be of most benefit to your mom and your sense of duty, but keep your emotions out of it. Expect nothing, treat it as a business transaction - you are giving something to your mother (some time, or phone calls/visit/whatever) to get something back (peace of mind). I would just do ONE thing and then move on and forget about it until your baby is born. If it was me, the one thing I would do would be a visit after an operation, I don't thing you should even think about putting her up at your house, Momma, even though you feel bad that she has nowhere to go. (I'm sure you're not thinking of that anyway.)

    Sorry so many things are happening for you at once right now. Please remember that you are doing a very important job at the moment, arguably the most important job there is. There is no such thing as selfish when you are pregnant. You do what you can, what costs little, and what keeps you feeling happy and healthy. That's it.

    Sending love and best wishes, Kitts.
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