Detoxin momma:things are changing for me. - Part 41

By detoxin momma · Oct 28, 2014 · ·
  1. you guys are all awesome and im so relieved no one has said,man youre a bitch that's your mom...because I do hear that inside my head sometimes.

    my sister called last night and said the surgery has been done,tumor completely removed,and they haven't found any other health issues.only mental ones....just kidding,lol.
    and shes going into a nursing home by the end of the week.

    I give it a few days before shes got someone sneaking her alcohol and cigarettes.
    im not sure how strict these places are.if she'll even be allowed to smoke,but I'd highly doubt it.

    then,i get really annoyed with my sister.
    I ask her if the boys have been to see her,and she says no,i haven't even told them I don't want to worry them!!

    are you kidding me!but you want to worry me,and add more stress to me,really...
    I'm pregnant and falling apart physically,and emotionally sometimes,but that's not a factor.

    I don't get hoping its because shes at a loss to,and im really the only one she has to talk to.

    on one hand I feel like shes resentful towards me for not taking the role I would have in a normal family.
    on the other hand I feel shes just a scared kid.

    either way,ahhhhhhhh,i just want to scream,everyone leave me alone!!

    anyways,enough of that.enough of them.i don't even consider them my immediate family,yet they consume so much of me.
    I could go the rest of my life without ever seeing any of them,except sis,and be fine with it.
    sad but true.

    so,yesterday kicked my ass.that fricken charley horse ruined my whole day.
    I was at one of my regulars.a 3 story condo where all the flooring is made of bamboo and has to be polished with a hard wood way around it.even all 3 flights of stairs.

    not a hard thing,but very tedious.
    between my back and my hurting calf muscle I just felt completely defeated.
    I finished all up,then told them I couldn't do it anymore.
    I said I would come one more time,in 2 weeks,but after that I had to pass it on to another girl.

    so that means the next time i'll bring her along with me,show her the ropes,then its on her.
    plus this house is almost an hour drive.
    something that's killing me.not only from the sciatic pain,but because I have to pull over twice to go pee!!
    its getting old.

    also,ive gained 25 pounds already.thats ideal weight gain for an entire pregnancy!
    on a 5'2 frame that's pretty uncomfortable.

    ive even decided Its time to stop smoking pot,again.
    my munchies are just too out of control,and it feels like my metabolism has completely stopped.
    ive also only thrown up one day this entire pregnancy.ive wondered if that to could be a culprit.

    my cravings for cheese are insane.
    nacho cheese with salty chips mostly,but all cheese really.
    string cheese,cream cheese,spray can cheese,block cheese,doesnt matter.
    listen to me!what a fricken pig lol...

    so I thought if I stopped smoking pot maybe my calorie intake will go down and I can stop gaining so much,the less distractions I have the better.
    and I don't want to be craving marijuana with a newborn.i want to be completely content in the moment,not distracted by THC cravings.

    I told my husband I don't expect him to stop,but just don't bring any good pot home and I wont be tempted.
    he says fine.he doesn't care about quality because he only smokes blunts the taste is mostly ruined by his cigar.
    something we've debated over for years lol...

    I smoked just 2 onehits yesterday,and I put my little stash box,empty,way up in the closet.
    out of sight out of mind.

    I don't want to even talk much about this because I don't want to fail,like so many times before.
    so,i figure the less I focus on it the more likely I can just put it behind me.
    not saying im done smoking forever,just for now.
    hope I can sleep tonite.
    im hoping the pregnancy will consume me enough I wont really notice withdrawals.hopefully.

    I gotta change my signature pic.....


  1. mrs.badger
    I'm glad the surgery went well with your Mom. Re: the nursing home and cigarettes. When my two-pack-a-day Mom had to be hospitalized for a few days, they offered her the nicotine patch. Maybe they can do the same. Hope you get a little let-up from all this mental and physical stress!
  2. cren
    Dont let anyone make you feel guilty. Your a good person and already feel guilty anyway but you have been through so much you are a real candidate to have ptsd from your bad childhood, you are only doing what you have to to survive. Its to easy to forget how bad things were in the past. If you sister making you feel bad she has her own issues. All you can do is your best. I read your blogs and you have survived so much no thanks to you mum and carved out a good life despite your past. You have nothing to feel bad about.
  3. Beenthere2Hippie
    Oh, I do remember how difficult my last pregnancy was, and how much energy is zapped from me. But but far the worst was the way the hormones of pregnancy seemed to keep me constantly a bit off-balanced. I don't mean physically imbalanced, more out of tune with myself internally imbalanced. My heart and head never seemed to be at peace during those days, so it's easy for me to understand your feelings, you lack of emotional energy, the little things building up, all of it, Momma.

    How far along are you now, and when is your due-date? Are you guys a Big Christmas family? Do you have the holidays--all so one after another after Halloween--to look forward to?

    Now that Alex is gone, my days (and evenings) have been very empty. I have my brother coming up for Christmas and keeping as busy as my body will allow me for now.

    How's the No Weed stance going? Still feeling better without?

    Sending you much love- (and low-calorie kisses, lol)

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