thanks cren,glad you can relate.and im not delusional,i know im not alone.in a world so large I know theres many that have been there done that to.
but,im feeling like I don't like where this journal has started going.
its supposed to be about the here and now.not the has been,ya know.
I even started wondering how I turned it into a story of the past,but I guess its because that's why they call it unresolved issues...
so,i'm not going to let my mother or her fucked up life keep interfering with how I feel,or think.so im done revisiting her turmoil.i don't even want to go there anymore.
its better left in the past,where it all belongs.
I titled this journal,'things are changing'...so I need to worry about the things that are changing ya know...
I handed 2 of my clients over to another girl,and I actually feel really good about this.
im getting to the point where I just don't feel like bullshittin with anyone.
I don't like how I look or feel right now and its making me want to isolate myself.
so im only going to keep doing the places where no ones home.and im surprised im feeling good about this.
once this little one comes I want her to be my main job.like my other 2 were.a little newborn deserves my undivided attention.and she needs me in a positive frame of mind.
so I am glad I got to vent a bit.it does feel relieving to talk about some things ive never even talked to my husband about.
and my psychiatrist sure doesn't wanna hear it,so thanks for listening and offering support and encouragement,to every one of you.male or female.
but from here on out im done reliving the past,or worrying about things that don't directly effect me.because my expanded family only effects me as much as I let them.
BT2H's member title has given me a new perspective.i can only be optimistic if I focus on the future,and not all the chaos and heartache.
we live in a very close knit,very interactive neighborhood.14 kids catch the school bus right at our mailbox.
most young enough that parents bring and pick them up.half the time im getting called or door knocked on by some parent asking if I could keep their kid until they get back.
its always stressed me out,kids wanna eat and drink as soon as they get home,so I could have 5'6 kids running in here grabbing for snacks.
but I let it slide because I feel like I'd rather have them playing here,then having mine go somewhere else.
theres some crazy people round here.
one day im gonna start a thread just about neighbors......cuz ive got some stories lol....
plus,their all a huge liability.we have a trampoline in the back yard and there can be up to 8 kids on it sometimes.i yell at them to get down,its too many, but everytime I turn around there they go again.
a month ago a little girl got a hairline fracture on her kneecap.
and just yesterday a lil boy broke his arm!im talking broke!the lower half of his forearm was literally hanging the opposite way it should.took everything in me not to puke.
I was sitting on the couch folding laundry and I hear this gut wrenching screaming.i run out back and this 11 yr old boy is hysterical.screaming things like,"theyre gonna cut my arm off,i don't wanna die today!"
I told him get in the car and drove up to his parents where they were yelling at him calling him stupid!
I told my kids and husband,"thats it.these kids are out of control.they don't listen.i been telling them to stop acting like animals all day,and look what happens.the trampoline has to go.period."
we cant sit around and wait for some pissed off parent to sue us because they felt it was ok to let their kid go unsupervised for hours at a time at our house.
this lil boy is one of 5,and they always all come together.its too much,im done with it.if their gonna play they have to come one at a time.gotta do something...ugghhh
I keep worrying about how myself and the baby are gonna sleep.when you have a newborn they tell you to sleep when baby sleeps.
so if im up all night and trying to nap in the day,i cant have neighbors knocking on my door or calling me to help make their lives easier ya know....
so we are debating on making a sign for the front door"DO NOT KNOCK UNLESS ITS AN EMERGENCY!"
and not getting home in time for the bus is not an emergency.not my problem.
I don't want to hurt anyones feelings or make them feel singled out,but I have to.
I wont be able to take care of all these bebe's kids with a newborn to focus on.....
im worried my kids will get bored and start going elsewhere to play,but I have to do it.
plus,don't need all the extra germs coming in with a newborn in here...
anyways,im changing the direction of this journal,and I feel good about it.
thanks again to everyone for being here to listen to me rant.
its been quite a release,and I didn't even have to pay some shrink lol....