thanks so much for the peptalks,and nice to hear your story lostly girl.
and I think youre right about the shrink.hes only interested in money,im sure of it.
I don't believe I have any disorders that warrant medication either.
aside from getting anxiety here and there,thats as bad as it gets.
the times ive hyperventilated were very justified in my opinion.
like the first time I heard the heartbeat.and the first time I saw the ultrasound.
it was shocking!a reality check!and I never thought I'd be going threw any of it again.
so yeah I was a little frazzled lol...
and im not too ashamed to admit that the only reason ive kept in touch with the psychiatrist at all is because im hoping he'll eventually give me some tramadol!
fucked up huh...but it is what it is.just keeping it real.
and I go back and forth on that all the time.i haven't touched any in months,and I still think about the damned drug!
but even that is so I can take care of my responsibilities more effectively.im so productive and upbeat on it I feel like it benefits everyone when I take it.
not that I sit around letting my house fall to shit,never been that type,but,its just hard to explain....
could be complete ramblings of an addiction.i don't know.can I even be addicted after abstaining so long??don't know that either.
anyways,we got thrown a major curve ball yesterday.my husband...ugghhh my husband,he is such a fragile being.i don't even know where to start.
heart of gold.never misses an opportunity to provide for his family.never goes out with friends.has never lifted a hand to me even when ive blown up on him.
takes my verbal abuse when I get in that mood.
in 14 years ive never went to bed without him.he has always been there since when we first met.trying his best to pamper me,even when he hates that I need a cig,he will get them for me.
he is such a walking façade.on the outside hes this tall dark and handsome tattooed tough guy.on the inside hes the complete opposite.so scared,so insecure,like a child.needs constant reassurance.
so,ive always worried about him.he can snap at anytime.something doesn't go his way and he can be down right terrifying to someone that really doesn't know him.
when he was still drinking he'd have a bad day and go out in his truck or 4wheeler and do dangerous things.
so yesterday,when I get a call from his lil sister that his brother,53,was found dead,i immediately worry how hes going to react.
I was expecting him to come in from work any minute when she called,hysterical,saying"i cant tell john,you have to tell him"
he walked in almost right after I hung up the phone.he knew right away something was wrong.
"you're mother died"...."you're water broke"hes asking..
I said"no,no,worse...you're brother died"
he just stood there for a moment,then started making phone calls.
when he did that the first thing I thought was to hide his keys.i was so scared he was going to go right back to old john and head out for a bottle of wine.
but he didn't.he did say several times that he wanted a margarita though.and I told him no,youre brother would be pissed if you relapsed because of him.
so he took Xanax,rolled a few blunts, and that was the end of it.
the thing about his brother,is he just 'kicked it'too hard..drank way too much cheap vodka everyday.took way too many pills on top of it everyday.
smoked way too much weed,and even still smoked meth if it was around.
this man would sit up drinking all night alone,and sleep in til noon everyday.for years and years.i always wondered how his wife could just ignore this.
so yesterday she went to wake him up and he was dead,bleeding from the mouth.thats all we know right now.
everyones shocked,but only because it happened so suddenly.we all have known for years that this guy wouldn't last long in his lifestyle.
he has a 15 year old son to.so damn sad.never spent any time with him.i cant imagine how this poor little guy feels.
wow,wow,wow.what a shame.my husband is officially the only man left from his family.and hes not going to like it at all.
I hope this motivates him to stay on the path hes on,and not fall into depression.
that's my biggest worry.
when his father died he didn't handle it well at all.im dreading the next few days when this all really sinks in.
my husband has major depressive disorder.his episodes are very rare,but when they do come on,they come on full force.
so ive just gotta stay on him to focus on positives.wont be easy,but if I don't our whole family will suffer.
funerals gonna be hard.seeing his brother in the casket is going to be a shock to his system..
gonna be a bad weekend.not looking forward to it.
but,"if youre going threw hell,keep on moving,face that fire,walk right threw it.you might get out before the devil even knows youre there".....