I haven't been on here lately due to the kids being home on Christmas break.has switched my routine up quite a bit.
instead of getting up and having them on the school bus by 6:45 ive been staying in bed til they get up.
or the couch!!
sleeping hasn't came easy lately.i fall asleep by 9pm most nights just fine because im exhausted.but im up pacing the house all night long.sleeping on the couch a few hours,or trying to.
then getting back in bed and staying there til I hear my kids.
its really hard on the body to.its not a mental thing keeping me awake,its body aches and pains.
so that means I haven't felt like myself at all.
haven't even touched my computer lately.emails are out of control even.
the kids stayed at an aunts yesterday,so my goal is to get caught up on this.
I had a checkup Tuesday.im on to 2 week appointments now.even my doctor recognized that I feel like shit just by my face and how slow im talking.
so he put me on ambien.something I have no experience with.im not impressed at all so far.last night was only my second night.
its not doing what I'd hoped for at all.
I still wake up every 2 hours.still go pee all night long.
it makes me feel drunk to be honest.
but,i didn't go to the couch or pace the house the last 2 nights,so it must be doing something.im not gonna make a habit of it though.i hate any kind of downer.
but I need some rest so im giving the damn drug a chance.
im 35 weeks Saturday.i'll be 37 weeks at my next checkup.my doctor said I could be induced then if I like.
so that means I could have this baby in 2 weeks.
all the bitchin ive done,now that that option is present,im not ready.go figure.
im just so scared of having another c section.im afraid if im induced that my body wont progress naturally and i'll wind up being operated on.
theres so many reasons I don't want to go that route.mostly because of the recovery.
I have too much to do to be healing from surgery.i want things back to normal asap.not in a month or so.
plus,i really don't want the drugs i'll have to take if I get cut back open.may sound petty but its not to me.been there done that.
with my first c section I was so doped up on pain meds they gave me terrible nightmares.im talking pulling my own teeth and hair out nightmares.so realistic I'd have to look in the mirror in a panicked state of mind.thinking theres no way that was a dream.not fun.
this isn't going to be like my first 2.no matter what kind of night I have with baby I will still have to get up to start my other 2 on the right path for the day.
I try really hard to start them off on a positive note each day.
hugs and kisses,telling them I love them and I hope they have a great day.
every single day I do that.no matter how tired or bitter I feel.and I don't want anything to interfere with that routine.
my kids have been my main concern since the day I found out I was pregnant again.i feel like they still need me very much so.im afraid im going to be stretched to thin.and if I thought they felt pushed aside or not as important it would break my heart.
I don't want to take any thing from them.even my time and compassion.
im sure ive said this before.but this is what weighs mostly on me.my kids.
anyways.happy new year to everyone.2014 was a very eventful year.im hoping this year will be much more chill.
first I had to put my 14 year old cat down.it was dreadful,but it didn't completely break me because he was so old and had a good long life.i miss him,but we cant live forever.
then my 5 year old pit got killed by a car.that broke my heart.it was so sudden and expected,and he pretty much got robbed.
but,he had chronic ear infections that he had to be medicated daily for.once in a while he'd get a hematomin(spelling?) on his ear flap from kicking it and I'd have to take him in to have it drained.
he also had something called 'entropion' on both eyes.that meant his under eyelids turned in causing the hairs to rub on his eyes.so he was always squinting.
it was a very very expensive surgery we couldn't have done,so he eventually would of went blind.
plus,he was so big and clumsy I cant imagine how he would of been around a baby.
everything happens for a reason.
then I found 2 kittens,and lost one recently on the damned road,again.
then my female pit damn near got killed by another dog in her own yard.she is doing much better.shes even started to run alongside the kids outside again.she just kinda hobbles one leg.but shes doing good.
ive mentioned my friend with the suffering dog.hes a 7 year old male pit.it all started when she took him in for a terrible looking rough patch on his paw,which she was told was cancerous.so they removed it.
then he started with the bad back.was told his xrays looked like he had been shot with a buckshot.but no wounds on the outside,so that wasn't possible.he started being treated for slipped vertebrae and getting loads of medication.only to keep getting worse.
on his last chiropractor visit he wound up losing all control of his rear end.very sad to see.
on Monday he laid down and never woke up.his cancer had spread to his spine was the final diagnosis.my friend is broken hearted,and all I can tell her is,atleast he has no more pain.
but man my heart goes out to her.she put a small fortune into that dog recently,at Christmas time no less!
watching what they've been going threw has made me reluctant to take my Nina into a vet to.i keep telling myself,she'll heal in time,and I cant afford to have all these treatments if its not gonna help anyway.dogs are miraculous animals,and Ive felt she just needs time.time heals all wounds ya know.
and so far ive not regretted that decision.thankfully.
its actually when I stopped giving her pain meds she started getting better.shes a smart SOB.once she realized I was slipping her drugs she just decided she wouldn't eat then.and I wasn't ok with that.
and we lost my brother in law.still expect the phone to ring each night and hear his drunken voice telling my husband"come down.i wanna get blunted my brother" lol...that's what they always said to each other.its a line from some old school rap song.
but there were also positives in 2014.
my husband is only a week away from being a year sober from alcohol.thats a major thing to be proud of.
and he had some dental work done that gave him a perfect smile.im talking perfect.he could be a fricken GQ model now,lol.
hes had a chipped front tooth since he was in grade school,always hated to smile.but boy you should see him now.
he deserves it.deserves to smile and not feel insecure.
he also got HVAC certified.hes been in the heating and cooling business for awhile now.but he had never taken the test to get certified.so this was a huge accomplishment to.
and of course,we made another life.the first where my husband wont be passing out drunk each night.
as much as ive worried and complained,it really is a beautiful thing.
so,you gotta take the bad with the good.can't have one without the other.
im starting to swell up.my ankles are getting pretty fat.i can't fit my favorite shoes.i cant wear my wedding rings.ive gained 42 pounds.much better than my first 2,and the only difference I can see that's caused this is water.i drink a lot of water now.
the other day my son was laying against me and my boobs started leaking!he actually blushed,it was adorable.
my daughter has started showing signs of concern to.she wont let me carry groceries or laundry.even puts dishes away.tells me,'i got it mom,go sit down'...gotta love it.hope it sticks.
ive said all along im not gonna make it til February 7th because ive felt like this baby is so strong and active that once shes big enough shes gonna bust right threw.
but everyone including my doctor says its just that this is my 3rd child,and im older that I feel that way.
but if I make it to February i'll be shocked.
I told my doctor the other day when he was talking induction that I didn't want to go that route.and he said I may feel differently in another 2 weeks.he may be right,time will tell.
I want to last atleast threw January though,for the babys sake.the bigger the better right.ive been miserable this long whats another month.
also,im not even gonna front and pretend to make some new years resolution that I wont keep.so my resolution is just to continue to be a good mom.and make sure that each family member feels loved and important at the end of each day.four legged included.
what else really matters ya know...
Happy new year everyone....