Detoxin momma:things are changing for me. - Part 71

By detoxin momma · Feb 3, 2015 · ·
  1. kitts,thank you so much for your encouragement and support,same to you BT2H....you gals are incredible women and i enjoy reading your post.its comforting to hear from women who've been there done that.

    i have days where i think even i am sick of hearing myself talk,but,i started this journal so im gonna see it threw.

    theres days where i dont have much to say so i repeat things,just to have an up to date accurate journal.thats what its all about right.

    ive seen many journals where people start out strong then let them fizzle out after a week or so.
    and i told myself when i started this i wasnt gonna go that route,if im gonna do it im gonna do it right.

    so,its february,im due this saturday.

    and its lookin like things are gonna go kinda like BT2H just described.alllll the way to the end,with no easy days.

    i feel like i have been in labor for quite awhile.just a very very slow drung out labor.guess thats how its really supposed to be.apparently i got off easy the last times.
    never had any contractions until it was actually time.

    could be my age,could be because its my third one and my body truely knows what its doing this time around.
    i don't know,but boy what a difference.

    i was sitting on the couch last night,tearing up over a contraction when my best friends daughter stops in.
    she has been my babysitter at times to.she is 22 and had a baby last year,the same age i had my other 2.
    she's like,"damn girl,i never felt that way.joseph didnt hurt me at all"

    i said,kinda aggrevated,you know how contractions make you irratible,"you had him 5 weeks early and he was 5 lbs! you got off easy,you just don't know!"

    i didnt feel this way at 22 either.i told her to talk to me when she's 6 days from due date,lol...

    her baby was in kinda bad shape when he was born,it was scarey,woulda been really hard on my nerves.
    he was tiny,and very red.had to stay in the hospital for a week,hooked to all kindsa things.

    when i feel like im unlucky for not going into labor early i think of him,think of how scarey it would be to have one so small.
    i can't even picture my husband handling one that small.
    i sure hope she's 8lbs.

    i asked my doctor if he could tell the size last visit,and he said yes theres way to tell,but judging by my measurements he didnt feel it was necessary.so i guess thats reassuring.

    i told my husband last night if i don't go into labor by saturday,my due date,we are getting induced.
    i say that now because i can barely even sit up anymore without help,but when that time actually comes who knows if i'll really do it.

    gotta checkup tuesday,if i make it that far,and we definatly will not be doing that membrane strip again.no point.didnt do a damn thing for me last week,so why bother so close to due date.

    i bet my doctors gonna be surprised to see me walkin in tuesday mornin,lol...and it better be the last time!

    anyways,im glad you guys are able to pick up on my sarcasm,cuz im laying it on pretty thick....

    i can't even think of what that lines from at the moment,some sitcom i think,"i'm picking up on your sarcasm"

    "well i should hope so,cuz i'm laying it on pretty thick"
    thats funny.

    been told i was a smart ass all my life.theres alot worse things you could be called,lol....this forum has actually helped me to tame it down very much so,the whole rep thing ya know.

    my father says i 'came by it honestly'....hes the king of smart asses.even i blush if i'm in public with him.he's just that kinda guy.my husband is very intimidated by him.
    i guess thats normal for the father/son in law relationship though.

    man what a difference a decade makes.there was a time when i wouldnt even go to family functions because i didnt want to deal with the dynamics going on there.
    so glad time has been able to change that.

    anyways,thanks so much for all the support.drugs forum needs more people like the ones throughout this journal.

    if i could say anything to someone feeling lost,i'd say start a journal.
    its anonymous so theres no reason to be shy,or ashamed.
    there are no feelings or thoughts a person could be having that arent justified.
    in a world of millions, somewhere out there is someone going threw exactly what you are.
    and every person needs somewhere to turn for support,and comfort.or just recognition or to be acknowledged even.

    so,write it down.can't hurt but it could help....

    detoxin momma added 1396 Minutes and 18 Seconds later...*********************************************************
    NOT SURE HOW I MADE THIS INTO ONE POST.PRETTY OUT OF IT LATELY.

    FEBRUARY 2ND

    still pregnant,and losing my sense of humor.

    considering how close to delivery i am, i decided i will post every morning til i do,even if all i say is,still pregnant.so if i dont say anything one morning here real soon its because im in the hospital.

    i can't stand even looking in the mirror anymore.even my nose is swollen!i have huge bags under my eyes,and now im coming down with a cold.

    throat hurts,ears hurt,congestion,cough trying to sneak up on me.
    gimme a break!

    my feet and ankles are so swollen it hurts to even bend my toes if i crouch down.my son asked me to toss him his shoes this morning and i told him i can't!

    it starts.....
    this is what ive been worried about.
    my kids all of sudden having to do everything for themselves.everything ive done for them their entire lives all of a sudden seems so stupid,like they should be doing it themselves.
    even told them to start their own baths and get their own pajamas last night.

    oh wah i know,their perfectly capable.but i just have this,"i'll do it myself" mentality.
    ive known i should of started getting them more self sufficient for months now,but still have kept, 'just doing it myself'

    i'm afraid putting this all off so long will create this resentment feeling towards the baby,and i don't want that for them.i don't want them to feel like their pushed aside because the babies needs are more important.
    i shoulda been working on this for months now,but what can ya do.

    i think i try so hard and hold on so tight because of the issues i have with my mother.she never even dealt with sending kids to school,and all the things that go along with it.

    she never even had custody of a child of hers past the age of 10.

    hell my brother and i were 5&3 when she ran off and started a new life.so she never saw us go to school even once.

    i think all this is why im so over bearing.

    when i was growing up everytime i got into trouble my father would be so quick to tell me how i'm just like my mother,gonna end up just like her.....

    years of hearing that insult really embedded in me,into the adult i became.
    and ive refused to let that happen,i'm nothing like her.nothing.

    it would be easier to get drunk every day and let everyone suffer over it.
    it would be easier to just let the kids run wild,drop where they lay,wear whatevers laying around.let them fend for themselves in the kitchen,etc...

    it would be easier to live that way,with no regard for anyone but yourself.

    lifes not supposed to be easy,and if it is you're doing something wrong.

    i've told my kids many times,"i'm your mother,not your friend.if you like me alllll the time i'm doing something wrong.it's my job to make you do the things you don't wanna do.it's my job to be the bad guy sometimes"

    and i feel like they understand.

    anyways,my mothers been calling me lately thats why i was thinking about her again.
    always after 10 pm of course,when i'm in bed.

    i told my lil sister recently,if she really wanted to talk she'd call at a decent hour.story of our lifelong relationship.

    i had to explain to lil sis that in 32 years of my life,mothers probably been around a combined total of 7 years.thats why i dont feel much love,sympathy,empathy,whatever you wanna call it,towards her.

    my step mom is my mom.shes been there constantly since very young.

    she's actually gonna come to see baby be born.

    it'll be a first for her.her daughter,my step sister,has 5 but were all c-sections.with my other 2 it was just me and hubby.

    so,at 54 years old she wants to see a live birth already!could be last chance she'll have.
    her son,my step brother,has 2 step sons with an asian girl and not looking like they'll have one of their own.
    my brother has none,and they've lost 2 throughout the course of their 11 year relationship,so its looking like his girl may not to be able to have one.

    she can get pregnant yes,but not been able to carry one more than 2 months so far.their getting married in may and plan on trying at the honeymoon.i sure hope they succeed.
    my heart goes out to people that can't have kids,and actually want to.

    some people don't want kids,and i dont feel that makes them less of a women.it takes strength and a stable mind to know that you don't want kids.to each their own....

    i realize i may have said some things offensive to some.i'm sure theres been women out there that have seen this journal and thought,what an ungrateful bitch.
    hell ive thought it about myself a few times.

    well to that all i can do is say im sorry.i dont want to come off as ungrateful,im very grateful.
    not only for my kids,but for my husband to.he really is the deciding factor in my current situation.

    he is my rock,my knight in shining armor as they say.without him i'd be lost.without him i would've aborted this child.

    i know how that sounds,but its the truth.take it however you want.

    so,rather you approve or disapprove of the way i live my life.love or hate the choices i make,you gotta respect my honesty.thats how i feel.

    afterall,we are all just squirrels trying to get a nut.
    hamsters on a wheel.

    lifes just one big chase.a pursuit of happiness.
    if we can learn to truely appreciatte the things we do have,and not take anything for granted,never coveting thy neighbor,i believe we've discovered the secret to life.

    excuse the heavy,must be the hormones,lol...

    detoxin momma added 1406 Minutes and 50 Seconds later...********************************************************

    FEBRUARY 3RD


    i think today may be the day.if i didnt have a 9 oclock appointment i'd e heading to the hospital right now.

    still no 5 minute contractions,still no water breakage,but the contractions ive been having all night are so strong they put everything else i've had to shame.

    had one at 3am so strong it literally made me throwup!

    the pain in my back,and menstrual like cramps are so strong i took a tramadol AND a flexeril at 5am.

    first time i've had them working together in my system.but if i took them as prescribed i'd have them working together everyday,so im trying not to worry about it.

    i feel so different today i'm even thinking when i get to the doctor i may not be coming home.if not by his choice by mine.

    my mindset is so worse off today i'm not even thinking induction may be a bad idea.

    i tried everything yesterday to jump start labor.
    should say we tried i guess.

    sex,nipple stimulation,and spicy food.

    i ate buffalo wings and jalepeno cheetos!

    by 10 pm i was really regretting that.got heartburn so bad i wound up in the bathroom drinking pepto bismal from the bottle!

    that stuff works,genius invention.its been a huge staple for me throughout the entire 3rd trimester.
    all the stuff you read online to help did nothing for me.ice cream,milk,pineapple.waste of time.
    a shot of pepto and heartburns gone.

    anyway,i can't imagine how bad i'd feel right now if i hadn't taken those drugs earlier.

    i'm even sitting here thinking,if i get to the doctor and all the reserved for expectant moms spots are taken i won't be able to walk to the door!
    theres only 3 of those spots!and i need one today.

    my husband has a big job going on right now so he's already gone for the day.he told me to call him if anything happens.
    i think i'm gonna call him here in a minute and say he better come home and drive me.

    i hate to pull him from work if i'm just gonna be sent home.

    but considering i'm only 4 days from due date,and the pain is so much more intense,i'm 90% sure i won't be coming home.
    so better safe than sorry.

    these contractions are still pretty spaced out.but their so strong it takes everything in me not to piss myself.

    i'm having visions of walking into the doctors office,pissing myself.
    i better bring my bag of clothes just incase.

    i even was making sure my ecigs are all charged up.

    when i had to stay overnight awhile back i was hitting that thing every chance i got!

    they can have it when they pry it from my hands.

    pitiful i know.but i'd rather be puffing that thing than worrying about going outside to smoke.

    what a dumb thing to be thinking about right now,but it is what it is.

    anyways,feet are so swollen and sore i can't even tolerate to sit at my desk chair another minute.
    if i don't post anything tomorrow morning it means i'm finally not pregnant anymore.

    i can't wait for that moment when i put my hand on my stomach and its not full of baby anymore.i can't wait...

    (**somehow 3 days of posts merged into one)

Comments

  1. Kitts
    Holy Automerge Batman!! I wish I could separate them for you, I'll see if that's possible.

    Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry these days are getting so rough for you. I know there's nothing I can do, but if you need to vent/chat/I know a few jokes (they are not very good), - anything at all, just get in touch.

    Message for today - let others take care of you xxxx
To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!