Detoxing - Fentanyl with hell, my life. - Part 11

By lostlygirl · Nov 15, 2014 · ·
  1. Ya, I know what you mean. Perhaps the key is only getting a script for 5 pills a month? That way you would have some on hand for the really bad days, and if you abused it, it would be gone in 2 days tops. You shouldn't have problems with that, nor should you get any withdrawals.

    I did fine on the 50 mcg/patch for 3 years without abusing it. It wasn't until the trigger in Feb that set me on this road. Past coping mechanisms kicked in big time.

    I really think you need to stabilize for a week and give your body a break. It's working overtime and it just maybe needs a break to regroup. Just a thought. (I will post this in your thread, too)

    lostlygirl added 121 Minutes and 50 Seconds later...

    I have a question for you guys. I am debating whether to send a link to my journal to my counselor. He knows pretty much everything except that I have started abusing the fentanyl. What do you think?


  1. Cmenot
    If you are ok with him/her knowing about the drug abuse, the honesty would be good. You could also just print it out (copy and paste) and edit that part out.
  2. Jungledog
    I guess I second asking whether or not you want him to know? I mean the whole point of counseling is to be honest...otherwise why are you there? Hugs, JD
  3. rapter
    Hope you the best, and I'm glad you doing something good for you and your family.
  4. Jungledog

    One of your comments yesterday has been playing in my head. The one about "not being worthy of love." Your mother loved you. You are a Mom. I mean what would you do for each of your children??? She simply got addicted. As you are in the exact same place, think on this. She didn't leave because she didn't love you. She left because she didn't love herself. Use is tied to negative beliefs and then is supported by PHYSICAL dependence. The brain literally morphs to needing the shit. This of course becomes the endless cycle of abuse and attempts to get clean.

    You are not your mother. You carry a part of her and always will. But you ARE stronger than your Mom. I do believe in some higher power and I believe that our loved ones stay with us in some way when they are gone. The funny thing is I don't believe this because of religion...I believe because of what I have seen in practice. I have watched hundreds (probably more) of patients die in the past 30 years. I don't fear death and I find it really pretty amazing what dying patients tell me. Most describe a bright and comforting light. Ones I have resuscitated have actually told me that they "watched" their code from above and were initially pissed that they were forced back into their body as they wanted to stay in the place of comfort. No fucking clue what this all means but I guess I like to think our lives have a purpose besides just suffering and dying.

    Anyhow back to you and Mom. YOU are making the decision to get clean. Your mother is with you and helping you be stronger than she was. She loved you and I love you. Do you feel the love here at DF? It is real. You are worthy of love and have ALWAYS been worthy of love but you need to believe this. I do believe there is someone out there for you who will be your perfect match. But do not look for him. Concentrate on healing and loving yourself. When you do, he will arrive.

    It's funny. When my marriage was crumbling, I had very low self worth and I was so very, very angry. Once we began to truly work on our issues and be HONEST with each other, it was like this peace came to us. I feel like we are back to the initial dating stage. It has been fun and exciting again. I love him more than I can describe but I think what is more important is I have started loving myself again too.

    Just my thoughts. Love to you,
  5. smith9666

    How are you doing today?

    smith9666 added 8 Minutes and 22 Seconds later...

    Just my personal experience with this because I had the same debate a few months back. I have been seeing a therapist since January for PTSD and I pretty Much opened up completely except for this one thing. I decided 2 months ago to just tell him and I can tell you it felt GREAT. I'm not sure why it was such a big relief but he is the one person I probably have been honest with about any issues I have at this point in my life so I was relieved.

    On a side note he wasn't judgemental at all. He barely acknowledged it in that session which looking back on it he did that intentionally. I would say that you will know if its the right time to just tell your therapist but for me I didn't know. I just pushed myself to do it and made it a bigger deal then I needed to.

    I'm sure you will make the right decision either way :)
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