Detoxing - Fentanyl with hell, my life. - Part 13

By lostlygirl · Nov 17, 2014 · ·
  1. This has been a tough day. I didn't get enough sleep and that seems to really aggravate withdrawals for me. I see my counselor in about an hour and I am super nervous, although I shouldn't be. It's hard to be completely honest, to bare ones soul and leave it out there for judgement with someone whom I love and care about. It matters to me what he thinks of me. The closer someone is to me, the harder it is to be completely honest (I let very few people in). I mean, what happens if he sees me differently?

    After my mother died as the preverbal fuck you all, I joined a well recognized organized religion that I have been fully active in up until recently. They supplied me with a healthy self loathing that insured I would always attend. My mother would have hated that, because while she believed in God, she HATED organized religion.

    This song has just recently become popular, even though I have been listening to it since 2012. It describes my slow experience with "The Church".

    Rapter, this is for you. Again, the video is excellent.

    Take Me To Church" Hozier

    My lover's got humour
    She's the giggle at a funeral
    Knows everybody's disapproval
    I should've worshiped her sooner
    If the heavens ever did speak
    She's the last true mouthpiece
    Every Sunday's getting more bleak
    A fresh poison each week
    'We were born sick,' you heard them say it
    My Church offers no absolutes.
    She tells me, 'Worship in the bedroom.'
    The only heaven I'll be sent to
    Is when I'm alone with you—
    I was born sick,
    But I love it
    Command me to be well
    Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.

    Take me to church
    I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
    I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
    Offer me that deathless death
    Good God, let me give you my life
    If I'm a pagan of the good times
    My lover's the sunlight
    To keep the Goddess on my side
    She demands a sacrifice
    Drain the whole sea
    Get something shiny
    Something meaty for the main course
    That's a fine looking high horse
    What you got in the stable?
    We've a lot of starving faithful
    That looks tasty
    That looks plenty
    This is hungry work

    Take me to church
    I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
    I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife
    Offer me my deathless death
    Good God, let me give you my life
    No Masters or Kings
    When the Ritual begins
    There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin
    In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene
    Only then I am Human
    Only then I am Clean
    Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.

    Take me to church
    I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
    I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
    Offer me that deathless death
    Good God, let me give you my life

    JD, I have not forgotten your challenge, my friend. I think I am going to write my back story, so some of this stuff makes sense. I will write it up and post over the next few days. Its a long journey and it would be good for me to explore it. I love you and challenge you to do the same. :)

    All of you keep me wanting this. Thank you for pushing me, challenging me, keeping me honest, for reaching me through music, and most of all, thank you for your love.


  1. Jungledog

    Not sure I have that much of a back story...that I haven't already disclosed. I mean I had good parents who loved me but who literally had OCD issues and projected those issues onto me. My parents played "favorites" too. I was my father's favorite and my brother was my mother's. This created a division between my brother and I that we have tried to overcome but there are years and physical distance between us too. Funny part is we get along fine when together...especially when my parents are not around.

    I am not close to my mother. She is a control freak. I like to control things too but this is a whole other me. She is VERY self-centered. I would actually describe her as a narcissist. maybe I do have back issues!!! LOL. Yeah, she makes things interesting. My teen years were awful. The two of us fought about when I was raped, I certainly did not feel close enough to her to tell her. I don't really confide much in her. My brother is like her but not as narcissistic.

    I have a good relationship with my father. We think alike and have similar personalities. We still meet for lunch regularly and he is very involved with my kids. I can confide things in him and when my marriage was crumbling, he is the first person I broke down to. Both my parents grew up in strict, poor households and I think had tough childhoods.

    I learned to be OCD like them...although honestly I am not that bad! I am highly organized but I most certainly do not have an immaculate house, etc. If you go to my parents house, you could probably eat out of the toilet bowl things are so clean. I work two jobs...if you ate out of my toilet bowel you would die of sepsis/cholera/ or the black plague. I think pysch wise they turned me into a worrier...I fucking worry about know cuz everything is supposed to be perfect. So I certainly have anxiety but nothing that I have ever felt the need to treat except once when I was writing Chapter 4 of my dissertation. Then I took Lexapro...graduated and weaned off and was done with that.

    And after I got my ass kicked at work that one night over a decade ago...I have dealt with chronic pain. The pain has stolen my sanity. It makes me irritable, restless, disturbs my affects my life in a very negative way. I think I have tried everything to get it to go is not going to go anywhere. :mad:

    Anyhow, I don't feel like I have deep seeded issues for use beside my marital issues. I used opiates for years off and on after the injury and was using them regularly for the past 6. I started having real issues with them about 3 years ago...right in the middle of my marriage tanking. I have never had an issue before with any other substance, including alcohol. I have always managed my stress with exercise...been kind of an exercise queen.

    How did your appointment go with the therapist? Did he like reading the link? Comments? Did he say "Jungledog rocks!!!"? LOL Hope things went well and that you are feeling better. How many pills you at?

  2. Cmenot
    Also hoping your appt went well, took some serious cajones to send that link... I guess we saw you be brave! It IS super hard to bare your soul to real live people that you have to physically stand in front of. You subject yourself to rejection and heart break. No matter the response from your counselor, I am proud of you!
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