Detoxing - Fentanyl with Loperamide...my hell, my life. - Part 2

By lostlygirl · Nov 9, 2014 · ·
  1. JD, thanks so much for your support. It means a lot to me. You are right, it's all just one big mind fuck. Bloody hell, the sleeplessness is killing me.

    I don't know how anyone can actually function on so little sleep. It IS exactly as you say, JD, because everyone says "You must be sleeping, you just DON'T realize your sleeping". Er..yeah, I know when I am sleeping, and trust me, this amount of wakefulness comes NOWHERE near sleep. And, then when I do sleep (funny how I know when I am actually sleeping), I have these crazy ass nightmares that scare the living shit out of me. I want sleep more than anything and yet I am crazy shit scared of it at the same time. Within 30 minutes of falling asleep I'm waking up drenched in sweat and screaming.

    I actually lay in bed last night forcing myself NOT to sleep because it terrified me that much.....If thats not a mind fuck I don't know what is, especially when I am so tired that its all I want. I then start to think "....ahhh, Fentanyl, God's gift to sleep, God's wonderful, amazing, beautiful gift to sleep would make this all go away. Yup, a good nights sleep and I will be mentally prepared to go through withdrawals, THATS what I really need." Shit! What its that??? Mind fucks all over.

    I haven't talked to my doctor about this. If he had any idea I was abusing any drug he prescribed I would be cut off so fast my head would spin. I mentioned that I wanted to get off Fentanyl during my last appointment but he was extremely hesitant. He was OK with me going down, but seemed to feel that my back was so fucked that I would be on some dose of Fentanyl forever. If anything, he wants me on more drugs. There is also a part of me that doesn't want to cut of the source.....I am also afraid that if I had anything other than the Loperamide that I would just end up abusing it, and it would just be one never ending substitution.

    I feel like all my senses are going crazy. Everything smells bad, the light is too bright, the noise is too loud, any touch feels electric, and everything tastes bad, and my head is pounding. My mind is screaming at me to give it Fentanyl RIGHT NOW. I keep sucking on these patches that have nothing on them. Writing that makes me feel really stupid, like I am this crazy person who has no self control that sucks on plastic....bloody hell, I feel like such an idiot, somebody not worth knowing. Drugs have reduced me to this person I don't even know anymore, somebody I don't even like.....and thats ultimately why I want off this ride, I don't want to be this person I have become.

    I am going to post this now, before I erase what I just wrote and pretend to be someone I am not. Then I am going to walk away and grieve what I have become.

    lostlygirl added 53 Minutes and 18 Seconds later...

    On the good side, I have only taken 40mg (20) pills so far in this 24 hr period. I will probably take 10mg more at 6 pm, making the total dose for the second day 50mg, down 30mg from yesterdays dose of 80mg. It seems to be holding my withdrawals pretty well.

Comments

  1. Jungledog
    Lostlygirl,

    First, you are making it through Day 2 of getting off the shit, fucking, strongest ass opiate out there...and you are making it through. Yep, it hurts like fuck both mentally and physically but take it from someone who jumped from some serious opiates (although not as bad as Fentanyl...this last round was 300mg oxy plus 60 MSContin), it DOES end. It hurts, the ride fucking sucks, but it does end. Keep repeating this shit over, and over, and over. You get through it one minute at a time. Don't think beyond the one you are in. If it gets to a really bad place, go to either your doctor or an ER. Tell them you took a trip and lost your luggage containing your Fentanyl. Explain you don't want opiates and that you understand your pain contract but ask if there is something they can give you to help (such as gabapentin, clonidine, some Xanax).

    Next, order some Kratom and have it overnighted. It will not stop the pain but it sure as shit can lessen it. Stay away from Benadryl (diphenhydramine) it will make sleep and nightmares worse. I have no idea whose dumb ass idea it was to market that product as a sleep aide but it sucks. Another antihistamine that tends to work better is Dramamine (the drowsy one NOT the meclizine). Live in a hot shower or bath.

    Then listen to me on a few things. You are an addict. This does not make you a bad person. It means a fucked up company out to make a boatload of cash created the perfect drug called Fentanyl that is sooo strong it can cause cardiac arrhythmias and absolutely is known to cause horrific dependence issues. The company planned this crap. They have the perfect fucking system. Let's give pain patients a drug that will hook them, ruin them but they sure as shit will come back every month to get more. Simply supply and demand. Your job is to tell them fuck you. Fuck you...keep your shit. I don't need it anymore.

    Useless, worthless people aren't brave enough to come here and bare their souls. You are in a bad place but give yourself the credit to realize that you are intelligent, resourceful, and empowered. Take back your life...just fucking do it.

    Lastly, being a chronic pain patient, I know how hard it is to come clean with your pain guy. Here in the US its like a fucking witch hunt trying to get LEGAL prescriptions filled. My doctor is being investigated by the state for overprescribing to a fucking dying cancer patient!!! Can you even imagine? Anyhow, I have two thoughts. I told my doctor that I was thinking about Suboxone. It IS being used off-label for pain. You could lie and tell him you have been having issues filling your prescriptions. Suboxone is scheduled lower and easier to get so this is believable. Or you could say nothing and keep the cycle in motion. What did I do? I am in the unique position of being an advanced health care provider with a license to protect. For some crazy ass reason I have NEVER stepped over it...meaning I have never taken crazy doses of narcotics when working with patients. What I have done though is worked in withdrawal when my mind is hardly the sharpest tack. The MAIN reason I decided I needed off is I knew I would lose the career I have built and I don't ever want to hurt any one...my job has always been saving lives. I can NEVER admit to my pain doctor this...he would need to legally report. What I did do is report my pain had been improving (it hasn't), that I was using acupuncture with decent results (this is true), asked to be weaned of the MSContin and switched to Norco (which is a drug that I hate and find useless). I filled both prescriptions and flushed them. Next time when I go I am just gonna tell him I came off but I still want to see him for my gabapentin and stuff. It keeps the door open. I have a legitimate injury (ironically from a patient) and I am not 100% sure I will make it through the next 50 years without narcotics but right now that is my plan.

    You need to think about what you want and be honest with yourself. Can you manage the back pain with heat/ice, motrin, acupuncture, etc? Or no freaking way? YOU have to WANT off this ride; otherwise the Ferris wheel just keeps fucking turning. You can do it. I know you can because I am and if I can do this shit than anyone can. Feel your courage; you have it. Embrace it and ride it out. I'll be here to listen to you vent.

    Many, many hugs,
    JD

    Jungledog added 329 Minutes and 1 Seconds later...

    I think you are dong awesome on Day 2! You are already droppng pills! I am glad you ordered the yoga book. It actually works. And I know diet, especially a whole food primarily plant based diet decreases inflammation which causes most chronic disease. The cleaner we eat the better our health and when coming off this dhit we need all the help we can get! Keep hanging tough. You can do this!! JD
  2. dating_meth
    Lostlygirl-
    Congratulations for making it two days!! My god I truly cannot even imagine, yet I can. I was on fentanyl patches for about 18 months and did it ever suck. I'd either lose them on my clothes, or worse my husband started abusing them. I'd try wearing the patches that I had for longer periods of time and literally every single time I'd hit the 3 hour mark withdrawals would hit. The last box I got filled I hid them in what I thought was a great spot, went to get my second patch out of the box, and pulled out an empty freaking box! I'd never been so pissed, hurt, and just flat devastated in my life. How could I marry a man that would do that to me....and be dumb enough to still stay?!

    PLEASE pay attention to your body! I was terrified of going to the ER to get help because I didn't want my husband to get arrested and lose his job. I think about that now and laugh. I lived in my bathroom for 3 days literally praying for death. On the third morning I began having seizures and suffered a heart attack. Did my husband call 911? NO. My then 8 year old daughter did. I spent 11 days in the hospital just thankful to be alive!

    Only you know if you can manage your pain without narcotics. Most pain clinics are assholes and won't work with you by doling you out a few days of meds at a time...they simply cut you off. However, a lot of pharmacies Will help you manage an addiction. There's ways around it. Just please be careful and take care of yourself!
  3. JonBenetMom
    Hi Lostlygirl-
    I hope you're feeling ok today. Im going through tramadol withdrawal - I was at a huge daily dose (24+ pills a day) and now I am down to ONE pill a day. But its so mental. Thats the hardest part. I wanted to ask you- have you considered an antidepressant? I starting taking Effexor (which is an SNRI) to help through the withdrawals. I actually can't event tell you if its working but I think if it WASNT I would probably know? The emotional toll of withdrawal is horrifying. You just hate yourself and all of the avoided feelings you went through just pile on top of each other at the worst time! Jungledog suggested Kratom and I wanted to mention that I am using kratom through my taper also. I literally was/am SHOCKED at how well it works. For me- I was obtaining tramadol through online pharmacies which became illegal recently. So I was faced with either breaking the law to get them OR quit. So I take Kratom knowing that it also can be addicting. But Kratom is legal and my choice was made. I have a son that has special needs and I simply cannot do something illegal for tramadol. So- I just wanted to say hi and tell you I support you. I know how gross your body can feel ( I had a heron addiction many years ago as a teen so Ive kicked that before too) So I hope you are doing well today. Eat well and drink lots of water if you can and spend time in the bath tub for the restless legs. Each day will get a little tiny bit better. Also maybe try melatonin to assist with sleep. It doesnt work on me but I know other have had success!!

    Dating Meth- that sure is some story!! What a jerk your ex husband is!!!!!!!
  4. Jungledog
    Hey, how are you doing? Haven't heard and it worries me!

    Hugs,
    JD
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