JD, thanks so much for your support. It means a lot to me. You are right, it's all just one big mind fuck. Bloody hell, the sleeplessness is killing me.
I don't know how anyone can actually function on so little sleep. It IS exactly as you say, JD, because everyone says "You must be sleeping, you just DON'T realize your sleeping". Er..yeah, I know when I am sleeping, and trust me, this amount of wakefulness comes NOWHERE near sleep. And, then when I do sleep (funny how I know when I am actually sleeping), I have these crazy ass nightmares that scare the living shit out of me. I want sleep more than anything and yet I am crazy shit scared of it at the same time. Within 30 minutes of falling asleep I'm waking up drenched in sweat and screaming.
I actually lay in bed last night forcing myself NOT to sleep because it terrified me that much.....If thats not a mind fuck I don't know what is, especially when I am so tired that its all I want. I then start to think "....ahhh, Fentanyl, God's gift to sleep, God's wonderful, amazing, beautiful gift to sleep would make this all go away. Yup, a good nights sleep and I will be mentally prepared to go through withdrawals, THATS what I really need." Shit! What its that??? Mind fucks all over.
I haven't talked to my doctor about this. If he had any idea I was abusing any drug he prescribed I would be cut off so fast my head would spin. I mentioned that I wanted to get off Fentanyl during my last appointment but he was extremely hesitant. He was OK with me going down, but seemed to feel that my back was so fucked that I would be on some dose of Fentanyl forever. If anything, he wants me on more drugs. There is also a part of me that doesn't want to cut of the source.....I am also afraid that if I had anything other than the Loperamide that I would just end up abusing it, and it would just be one never ending substitution.
I feel like all my senses are going crazy. Everything smells bad, the light is too bright, the noise is too loud, any touch feels electric, and everything tastes bad, and my head is pounding. My mind is screaming at me to give it Fentanyl RIGHT NOW. I keep sucking on these patches that have nothing on them. Writing that makes me feel really stupid, like I am this crazy person who has no self control that sucks on plastic....bloody hell, I feel like such an idiot, somebody not worth knowing. Drugs have reduced me to this person I don't even know anymore, somebody I don't even like.....and thats ultimately why I want off this ride, I don't want to be this person I have become.
I am going to post this now, before I erase what I just wrote and pretend to be someone I am not. Then I am going to walk away and grieve what I have become.
lostlygirl added 53 Minutes and 18 Seconds later...
On the good side, I have only taken 40mg (20) pills so far in this 24 hr period. I will probably take 10mg more at 6 pm, making the total dose for the second day 50mg, down 30mg from yesterdays dose of 80mg. It seems to be holding my withdrawals pretty well.