Detoxing - Fentanyl with hell, my life. - Part 20

By lostlygirl · Nov 23, 2014 · ·
  1. Yes, polio vaccine, that's exactly it. I too have found myself crying years after an event. Drugs make us feel somewhat immune to it all, as if its happening in someone else's life and not our own. That we are merely viewers rather than participants in our own lives.

    That reason is why I ultimately want to be free of this. I want to feel my life again, participate in it, experience life in its unaltered, pure state.

    I finally let my dog in to see the kittens after hours of her crying by the door. She nuzzled the three kittens and realized one was missing, and instantly started running through the house frantically looking for him. She then tore back to the kittens, started barking at the momma cat and attempted to get her to go and look for the kitten. I am in here with her now and she is crying by the kittens. It's heartbreaking. The momma cat is now licking the dog in an attempt to comfort the dog.

    My first thought last night was to grab a patch and start to suck on it, but I didn't. I held and let the moment pass. It was really, really hard. I mean, I really, really wanted too. In fact it scared me how much I wanted to.

    My goal before starting to taper is to know I have the strength to not abuse the patches. I want to only use the patches as prescribed. and un learn the habit. Apparently it takes 3 weeks to learn a habit. It's been 2 weeks since I last sucked on one, so I figure I will give myself until after thanksgiving.

    I am in the mood to write today, and will most likely get started on my back story, or what has lead up to this being my life.

    On a side note, I am absolutely fascinated with physics. Quantum physics to be exact. My oldest daughter is currently pursuing a PHD in physics. She is still at the undergraduate level right now. Life in all its aspects is unbelievably interesting to me.

    This morning I was reading an article that was discussing the latest findings (that mathematics has alluded to all along) that the atom is actually made up of nothing. Let me repeat that, the atom is made up nothing. The closer one gets to an atom wall, the more it begins to deteriorate, meaning the physical properties no longer exist. If you're not sufficiently blown away at this point, let me explain further. Our universe, everything we know, doesn't actually exist the way we believe it exists. Our world is only made up of physical properties because we perceive it as such. Our perceptions determine our reality. Sufficiently blown away yet? (I wish I could post a link. Am I allowed to post a link?)

    The second article I read was on consciousness, and how certain aspects of our brains are actually designed to hold items in a quantum state. WOW! Do you get that? Our brains are designed to hold items in a quantum state! A state that exists indefinitely. That blows my mind! This is one of the first actual discoveries that firmly suggest we exist outside our bodies. That our bodies are only a small fraction of our actual selves and limit our understanding of our immense spiritual capabilities. The findings also point to the idea that we are constantly changing and limiting our perceptions/futures to our narrow, limited view of consciousness.

    Therefore, according to physics our perceived reality isn't what we believe it is. We have infinite control over all aspects of our perceived reality through use and understanding of consciousness than we actually believe we do. Think and it is.

    Hugs, xxoo


  1. Jungledog

    Well seeing as I just had to kill one of my cats, who was only 6 months old and who is the SECOND cat I have had to kill that was my son's in less than 2 years, I think I know what you are going through.

    I know this is going to sound awful and cold (it is the detached health care provider in me) but animals and their lives and deaths teach our kids about reality. They learn that it is OK to love and ultimately loss is OK too. I think children who have had the opportunity (yes opportunity...all the shit we go through good or horrible is an opportunity to grow and learn) to experience the death of an animal do MUCH better processing and working through the death of a human. This experience will help your kids deal with much more difficult emotional shit in the future. I am not making lite of what they face right now.

    My son spent about 5 days in anger mode. I finally told my husband to set up the punching bag in the garage and turned my son loose on it. That helped. Then we slipped into the sadness and tears. He is processing it. Yesterday, he got a condolence card in the mail from the vet clinic that put him down. He read it and put the card next to his bed. He asks if he will see the kitten in heaven and it breaks my heart.

    Hang in there. How are you doing detox wise? Any decisions made? I have a feeling you are leaning toward loperamide.

  2. smith9666
    So sorry for what happened last night :-(

    Don't have much time to write right now but in this last post you said that it scared you how much you wanted to re use the patches in the wrong way. You seem to focus a lot on the fact that you were wanting to soo bad which is understandable. I hope you aren't beating your self up for that. From a different perspective what I see is that you should also focus on the fact that you didn't EVEN though you wanted to so bad and at the moment you could have came up with a million reasons to do so. Every time you do that and can still say that you resisted the urge should make you feel stronger, not bad about having the urge.

    I hope your puppy will feel better soon. That has to be heartbreaking to watch. As well as the kids :-(
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