It has been an interesting week and rather reflective on a whole. Thanksgiving was OK, but it was not the best thanksgiving I have ever had. It was the first Thanksgiving without my oldest daughter, and I really missed her.
My ex always joins us for Christmas and Thanksgiving, its just easier on the kids and we get along ok. We both really try and put the kids first, it's not their fault we are divorced. This year was a little different as I am really, really, really pissed off at him for loosing his job and leaving us with very little income. There was absolutely no good reason that he did what he did, and he really left us in a shitty situation. The only reason we get along OK is because I just let his little nasty comments slide, a learned behavior from my marriage.
This year I just couldn't let it go, and his little snide remarks just really upset me and made me mad. I didn't say much, I rarely do. He is one of main reasons I started abusing drugs in the first place, something I am sure I will have to deal with at some point if I want to stay clean. Interestingly enough, I still cannot discuss my marriage with my counselor. It is that one big black hole that is 20 plus years wide. My counselors not pushing me, but I am sure that will change now that he knows that I have been abusing fentanyl, and that my ex is one of the main reasons. At some point in this journey I will have to discuss it, deal with it, put it away, and move on.
Anyway, the whole day was just one big trigger, and I really did not want to deal with it. I didn't abuse fentanyl, but I thought about it all day. I don't know if having it around is just making it harder for me, even though my plan is to taper until I am off. The only thing that really stopped me was the thought of running out and having to be on high doses of Loperamide to get through the withdrawals. I am not sure if I will be able to get through the taper without abusing it. It was actually easier the 12 days I didn't have the stuff around.
JD, I have been thinking a lot about two of your questions which I found very interesting. 1) How knowable are we to others (and to ourselves); and, 2) If my mother had underlying issues that she was numbing with drugs. I will most likely reply tomorrow, as its getting late and I should probably head to bed.....!
On a bright note, we put up a few of the Christmas lights. I needed to rest my back half way through, and I let my kids have full creative control as long as they stayed off of the roof. The front of our house now looks like 'Christmas Vacation'!! It looks pretty, but boy did they use a lot of lights!!