Great advice, Smith, I think I am going to have to start trying them. How are you doing?
How am I? Honestly? Sad. Lonely. Tired. Lost. Frightened. I am also wondering what the point is to any of this, I mean we are born, we live, we die, what's the point (philosophy)?
And, I am not talking about religion, or someone's idea of all of this, or what someone thinks they know, because no one really knows. I just think too deeply about stuff, I guess. I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing. I think I like drugs because I feel too much, almost like I don't necessarily have a filter and drugs make me hurt less, feel less.
If people were to look at me they would never know I carry all this pain with me. Perhaps that's why I can feel pain in others? I can just sense it, and I hate it. I used to think it was a gift, but now I think it's a curse. Other peoples pain permeates through me and I see it and feel it as my own. It makes me feel even more alone, and I have felt alone for a very long time. It's odd really, because this gift of being able to feel other peoples pain should ultimately make me feel more connected to people, when in reality I feel more alone.
Being kind hasn't worked out well for me. It's ultimately not valued in our society. Being kind gets you ignored, gets you treated like shit, and gets you taken advantage of over, and over, and over, again. Repeat ad nauseam. Unless you love yourself as much as you love other people, if you don't your fucked. And, here in lies my problem. I want to be accepted more than I love myself. I am beginning to think fuck that. FUCK THAT. Repeat that ad nauseam.
Ultimately all of us want acceptance, it's human nature. But, how many of us really love and accept ourselves for who we truly are? Honestly, I don't. I don't think I even know who I really am. And, I'm not talking about the image I have created and hide under, but my true self? The person underneath the job, the addiction, the image. Who I really am.
Why is it so damn scary to just introduce my real self to people in all my imperfection? Why is it so hard to introduce myself to me? "Hi, I'm lostlygirl, and I am not perfect or happy all the time, I get sad, and lonely, and scared. I love physics, and art, and people, and life. I love, and breath, and think and feel. I am beautiful, and my soul is kind." Why is that so fucking hard to do?
Why is it so easy to tell others that I love them and so hard to tell myself? And, what's the point of all of this, and does it even matter?
Atoms cease to exist the closer we get to them, quantum particles behave differently when observed, none of this exists the way we perceive, and our brains hold information in a quantum state. This is some seriously crazy shit. If everything is connected, then, what's the point of my loneliness, my sadness, of anyone's loneliness and sadness?
Anyway, just a few random thoughts whilst not being able to sleep at 4 am!