Detoxing - Fentanyl with hell, my life. - Part 35

By lostlygirl · Dec 10, 2014 · ·
  1. Hi JD & Werecat,

    I wrote a long post yesterday and lost it. The whole day was pretty much sucky, so that was the icing on the cake.

    Withdrawals are going Ok, as good as withdrawals go, I guess. I woke up at 5:30 am with mild withdrawals and took some Loperamide and amused myself on as I waited for it to kick in. It's just barely beginning to work and I am feeling much better. Loperamide does work, although I think it's just putting off the inevitable. Tapering is definitely for me, though.

    My stupid car (which isn't that old) decided to quit working Monday night, right when I needed it most, ugh!! I think the starter has gone out, and I had to borrow my ex's car to go to the interviews at the college. He leaves for work at 4:45 am, so I asked a friend to drive me to pick up my ex's car later in the morning. My friend ended up being late so I barely made the interview.

    The interview went OK. The lady I interviewed with was the one that took over for me when I walked out on 7 classes. She was telling me that after 3 weeks of her teaching that many of the students left.......that was a tad awkward!! She seems the type that teaches down to people, and gave off a very 'us (teachers, better than)' vs 'them (students, idiots without any prospects) philosophy. A philosophy I do not ever ascribe to. No wonder students left. She seems to 'dumb down' content for them, which is something I will never, ever do. They are paying me to give a university level education, and I will give that irregardless of whether it's a community college or Harvard.

    Anyway, we chatted for about an hour. She said her program enrollment is down (no surprise there), and that she only has 6-8 people per class. They have really lost most of the program, which doesn't surprise me. I will be surprised if she gives me any classes this next semester, although she did want to develop a class around me (hu???), thought I would enrich the program, and wanted to have me guess teach to see my teaching skills (she could just read the student evals when I taught there).

    Anyway, I am not sure if we are a good fit. I don't do well with the status quo, and if I was back there I would want to grow the program. I need a college that is a little more aggressive in wanting accreditations, program growth, etc. I think she likes a small enrolment that only she teaches, as it ensures her job security. If adjunct are better qualified and more successful they may take her job, especially if students liked them, and were treated as adults.

    I would take a class if it was offered, but I think I am going to focus elsewhere. There was a reason I walked out, and I think that reason still exists. I am glad I took the time to find out, and it wasn't nearly as scary as I had made it out to be in my mind. Funny how we do that and stop ourselves living full and exciting lives.....

    I applied for my MFA in Illustration (Masters in Fine Arts) It is a terminal degree, meaning it's the highest I can go, there is no doctorate level studio art degree. This will enable me to teach anywhere I want, as well as vastly improve my artistic creativity. I am very much looking forward to it and will start Jan 26. It will take me about 3.5 years at about 18 credits a year. Its 60 credit hours, about 20 more than a MA (Master of Arts), which is why it's a higher degree then an MA.

    I had to get my car towed, which was unbelievably frustrating, and I am without a car. (The tow truck driver wanted me to facebook friend him, though...???) I think I am looking at a very expensive repair which I am not looking forward to. It's very bad timing, but I need a car.

    Well, that's it, I guess. I have been pretty busy which has actually been fun! I like that. Life can be very good when we decide to take control of it. I think we give up far to much control of it to other people, anyway, I know I do.

    Hang in there guys, we will get through this :).

    lostlygirl added 55 Minutes and 53 Seconds later...

    I am really having bad cravings today. I am glad I don't have any fentanyl around or it would all be downhill. I woke up just wanting the stuff. Its going to be a long day...


  1. Werecat
    *hugs to Lostly*

    I can't stand teachers who have superiority complexes, where is the room for student growth there? Where is the room for the teacher's growth?

    I've encountered the opposite, people like yourself who care very much, who are willing to help and are patient with students and learn in the process. Those teachers are the ones who bring in the best results and we need more of them to help anyone who asks for it, from the ages of 0-99 (or 100+ nowadays ^_^).

    I really think you can make it Lostly, you seem to have so much to aim for so keep going. As always I will keep cheering you and the others here. You can beat those cravings!

    Oh and by the way, LOL at the friend request of the tow truck driver.
  2. Jungledog

    I think going back to earn your degree is exactly the right path. I have no regrets on my has opened and continues to open many doors. I am currently overwhelmed with my university stuff but my heart tells me that I just need to get through this year and get things set up. I have an amazing situation and essentially will be developing and running the program of my dreams. Yes, right now this is an ENORMOUS amount of work but it is basically mine! How often does something like this happen? Like I need to focus on how great this opportunity is!

    You are so right to trust your intuition with the old school and move on. You obviously have amazing skills. Trust yourself. Build those skills, earn the degree you need, and focus on your career. This will give you confidence and then your personal life will fall in to place too! I have no doubts.

    I am realizing that getting clean is actually the easy part. It is the STAYING clean that is the longer, harder path. I kept thinking "just taper and jump and all will be well." Yeah well that is bullshit. I tapered and jumped. I feel like shit and it is scary to realize I have to stay clean. I have to manage my life and my pain with gabapentin, yoga, exercise, and good diet. I can't take "a few opiates" here and there...not without fucking with my head. I am realizing I might need the opiates for pain but I am terrified that using them for pain might lead to use for emotional issues. In the past 4 days, I have had way too many hag visits and it is just totally freaking me out. I thought I had this all together and now I feel confused and unsure. I have felt the need to pull away from DF. Ugh.

    Anyhow, hang in there my friend. Know you can reach out to me if you need to. Love ya.
  3. supermono
    Hi Lostly,
    I hope you are feeling ok today. I know how hard the cravings can be for your DOC. I have no experience of Fentanyl but its an opiate just as my heroin,opium and recently codeine addiction is I think. Sorry if I have that wrong. So I can Identify with how cravings feel and how difficult it can be. They do pass though. I have to distract myself when this happens and at the moment I go for a walk and then go and see my neighbours for a chat and it seems to work well. Keep going your doing really well and we are all very proud that you are turning your life around as we are all trying to do.

    As for the car its a bitch isnt it when they break down. How is lt ? Is it terminal or can they fix it ?
    Hopefully its not to bad. Do you know whats wrong with it ?

    Your doing really well keep going my freind. I,m with you all the way on this one. I,m cheering you on.

    Love and peace to you best wishes Mono :thumbsup:
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