JD, thanks for the tip, I will definitely get some.
I am sad and lonely tonight. I need to find someone who actually loves me and gives a shit. I am on match, and get about 30 or so emails a week from guys... But I just can't seem to move on from this guy I am with but not with. Who the fuck knows what it is. Just basically talking (a lot) and sex.. I know I deserve better but I just can't seem to move on. I don't even know why I love him.
The only thing I have ever really wanted in life was a best friend that I am attracted to, to go through life with. Where there is attraction, deep love, and best friends. I don't understand why it's so hard to find. I have only come across it 2 or 3 times in my life, where there is a connection that I cannot explain. But, whenever I find it I manage to fuck it up by being too into them. No challenge. I manage to somehow devalue myself in their eyes. All these other guys are interested though. I've had 4 calls tonight from guys that I have just ignored. I haven't had a weekend since I have been on match that I haven't been asked out. I don't go. I don't even know why I am on there.
How do you say goodbye to someone that's in your soul? I don't know how to do that so I stay stuck. I stay with a guy that in 6.5 years had never said that he loves me. Stupid, hu?
I think I need to realize that there is a good possibility that I will be alone. I think I need to come to terms with my aloneness, to be somehow ok with that.
I am doing Ok with the fentanyl. My tolerance has dropped significantly and I am on 37 mcg/hr vs 50. I think it makes me depressed.
Anyway, sorry to dump this all on you. It's just where my head is tonight. Its all pretty pathetic.