Detoxing - Fentanyl with hell, my life. - Part 42

By lostlygirl · Dec 19, 2014 · ·
  1. JD, thanks for the tip, I will definitely get some.

    I am sad and lonely tonight. I need to find someone who actually loves me and gives a shit. I am on match, and get about 30 or so emails a week from guys... But I just can't seem to move on from this guy I am with but not with. Who the fuck knows what it is. Just basically talking (a lot) and sex.. I know I deserve better but I just can't seem to move on. I don't even know why I love him.

    The only thing I have ever really wanted in life was a best friend that I am attracted to, to go through life with. Where there is attraction, deep love, and best friends. I don't understand why it's so hard to find. I have only come across it 2 or 3 times in my life, where there is a connection that I cannot explain. But, whenever I find it I manage to fuck it up by being too into them. No challenge. I manage to somehow devalue myself in their eyes. All these other guys are interested though. I've had 4 calls tonight from guys that I have just ignored. I haven't had a weekend since I have been on match that I haven't been asked out. I don't go. I don't even know why I am on there.

    How do you say goodbye to someone that's in your soul? I don't know how to do that so I stay stuck. I stay with a guy that in 6.5 years had never said that he loves me. Stupid, hu?

    I think I need to realize that there is a good possibility that I will be alone. I think I need to come to terms with my aloneness, to be somehow ok with that.

    I am doing Ok with the fentanyl. My tolerance has dropped significantly and I am on 37 mcg/hr vs 50. I think it makes me depressed.

    Anyway, sorry to dump this all on you. It's just where my head is tonight. Its all pretty pathetic.


  1. Jungledog

    I read your post and initially it made me uneasy and I couldn't figure out why....then the ah ha moment hit. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 27 years. I have lived with his mental illness for 24. I have grown weary of the battle. Yes, I love him and honestly he loves me. He is thoughtful, kind, and loving on his good days. On the bad days he is hostile, angry, and aggressive. I sometimes feel like I live with two people....and perhaps I do.

    Why we love someone is difficult to put in words. I think perhaps the real question you are asking is why don't I love myself enough to leave this floundering relationship? I know I ask myself this almost every day. For me I know the answer is my children, especially my grade school aged son. I do not want to rip their lives apart. I know in my heart that in 9 years when he leaves for college if things have not changed, I will be leaving this marriage.

    Anyhow, I am not the one to give advise on relationships! So I will just tell you that I love you and so do the others here. Love yourself...this is what you need to do.
  2. Mr Bumble
    Well done on educing your dose, thats a big step

    I wish I could give you some relationship advice but I have a total fear of commitment and and just generally rubbish as a boyfriend so really don't know what to say except I hope you work it out and find that special someone who will be all you need to feel loved and happy
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