Detoxing - Fentanyl with hell, my life. - Part 46

By lostlygirl · Jan 1, 2015 · ·
  1. Hi guys!

    Thank you so much for your great words of encouragement. They mean so much to me. Sorry I haven't been posting quite as much, the holidays are always really busy for me. I usually reply to other peoples threads first, and after replying this last week I run out of time to post on my own. Today I figured I had better do the opposite and write here first. It's beginning to slow back down for me, and will get back to normal when the kids go back to school on Tuesday.

    Kitts: Aww, thanks. Your posts are always so positive and kind. It means a lot to me. I think we are always so much harder on ourselves than we need to be, I know I am. Thank you. :) (Think of that smiley face as a big, beaming, silliest silly face ever!)

    Mono, Smith, Mel & JD: You guy's are my hero's! Whenever things get tough I think about both of you and you help keep me strong. Your love, wisdom, and support really help me. Smith, your PM's keep me on the straight and narrow! Thank you.

    Lady Vicodin: Thanks for such a great and knowledgeable post, it's very much appreciated. I had never heard of COQ-10. I did a quick google search and am planning on buying some today. I do think it will be something that is beneficial and thanks for the info. I don't think my heart beats correctly all the time and it had me a little concerned, I think the rhythm is slightly off.

    All in all it hasn't been a bad holiday season. Testosterone Replacement Therapy had worked wonders for me. I have done more in the last week than I have in months. Getting my hormone levels up to the correct dose was the smartest decision I have made for myself. I had no idea how much of a difference it makes. I have been on testosterone for about 10 days. I first noticed an improvement a few days later, although I now wonder if that wasn't a little bit of a placebo effect? It typically isn't supposed to work so fast, although my levels were so depleted that perhaps it did. My energy, outlook, mood, and social interaction have all significantly improved daily. Each day has been a little better than the last.

    (I am typing this on my phone and it looked like my phone was going to die. Being the smart girl I am (hahaha) I decided to post this before I lost it all to the phone demons that love messing with our posts. The post is not complete and I am finishing it now, and will post the rest shortly..... :) )

    lostlygirl added 43 Minutes and 51 Seconds later...

    Interestingly and curiously, the change in energy really messed with my head. I didn't know what to do with all of the energy and the temptation to abuse the patches was through the roof. By Friday it was more than I could stand, and I drove my patches over to my friends house. Its a little inconvenient but its much better than having them around. I need to get to the point where I just hate the stuff, but I am not quite there yet.

    There are a few things that are keeping me stuck. Energy levels and a general overall feeling of unwellness is one of those, although I feel as if I am addressing that through getting my hormone levels where they should be. I also need to get back into walking regularly and making sure I am eating well. My body is less forgiving at this age and its not going to keep taking the abuse I have been dolling out. My goal for 2015 is to get physically healthy.

    Another thing that's keeping me stuck is the guy that I am seeing. Somehow I have convinced myself that he's the perfect guy for me and that we have some kind of strong, amazing connection. In reality he just doesn't give a shit. Our ability for self deception is vast (my ability for self deception is vast). But, here's the thing. I love him and it will break my heart to let him go, but I don't think I have any other choice. I've tried everything I can and nothing has worked. Its time to let go. Its time to love myself instead.

    lostlygirl added 40 Minutes and 49 Seconds later...

    Mel: Somehow I missed your post. 30 days sober is AWESOME!! That's so crazy great, you are the BOMB, girl!! I know it hasn't been easy for you, you determination is an inspiration to EVERYONE on DF! I am so proud of you!


  1. Jungledog

    Relationships are so tough. I am sorry your heart is hurting. You are doing so well. I have no doubt you will succeed. Wishing you a very Happy New Year. Love you,
  2. supermono
    Hi Lostly, How is life treating you my friend ? Sorry about the relationship problems. For me they are worse than detox and withdrawl.
    How is the taper going ? Have you set yourself a time scale to get clean. I think your next on the list Lostly. To get clean mate. I do think about you and the rest of the gang. Everyones being doing really well and I would like to see you clean to amigo. There is an expression I have heard in rehab. You hit the nail on the head when you said "First I have to love myself". Brings goose bumps to me and its true. I,m right here cheering you on. If you ever need any more support then just ask me. keep going. Your doing a grand job.

    Lots of love to you Lostly

    Peace Mono :vibes:
  3. marathonmel7
    Hey Lostly, how's the detox going? Sorry I haven't been a part of your thread more. I haven't had the energy to really catch up on everyone because i've been so sick. I hope you're doing ok. You can do this just like the rest of us. It takes a lot of work and a lot of love for yourself but it's doable. I am 32 days clean and am getting happier and happier everyday. Things are looking up slowly.

    I just want to lend my hand in support. Fentanyl is no joke. I've detoxed from it before cold turkey. I find that getting things over with is the easiest route but I like pain too haha. I'm not normal I know. But, you can do this. Just keep fighting the good fight. If you need anything DM me. I will always be here for you no matter where you're at with your fight. It feels so liberating to be clean though. I know you can do it.

    Hang in there girlfriend. Keep your head up and keep fighting. Love to you and yours.
  4. poppybreath
    Hope your new years went well. I've been in those same shoes where you feel like the significant other just couldn't give half a shit. They may make you feel worthless or like your feelings are based on pure delusion. I've found the significant others of recovering addicts like to act like they're the perfect ones, like everything they say is right and like everything we say is wrong.

    Now, it can't be easy for good family and friends to see us all like this. Hurting, running to them trying to get that stuff the heck out of your way. Good for you for on doing that and keep it up if you have to. Those who support you physically and psychologically will prove themselves worth your time.

    You only have one life, a set number of minutes - hours - seconds, left breathing on this earth. Time is a a resource no one can recreate. There will never be another 1/3/2015 @ 6:53 where I am. Do what makes you happy, be with the people who make you happy, don't waste your valuable time on things that only provide fleeting happiness. I know it's a lot to think about, but part of us staying sober is really about wading through all those shitty feelings so that we can tackle them and give them a big ol "screw you".

    I know how you feel about the hormone levels being screwed up. Mine have been out of whack a very long time and it can really mess with you if you aren't proactive about the issue. Hoping when I get mine under control again, things will be a wee bit more normal.
  5. smith9666

    Where are you at? I finally feel better and am getting caught up on posts but there isn't really much to catch up on :(

    I'm sorry about the relationship issues. Hopefully you will get peace with the decision you have already made with time.

    When I was reading the part about you having so much eenergy that you didn't know what to do with it and how it made you want to abuse the patches my heart was seriously beating so fast because I thought that you were going to say that you relapsed! But you didn't and you did the responsible thing and removed them from easy access. It makes complete sense because you actually will have to drive somewhere to get them now.

    Please post more when you feel up to it. I miss your posts. :(
  6. Jungledog
    You are making me worry my friend. Where are you??? I know you well and sense when you hurt. We think and feel alike. Know I care.

    Love to you.
  7. lostlygirl
    Hi guys! I've been submitting my portfolio for review.... It will be completed in about 4 hours (YAY) and I will have some time to post and update then :). See you all soon & lots of love always.
  8. Mr Bumble

    Lostly's got to come first
    You need a man who "gives a shit" for sure

    Easy to hide from the truth when were high but reality can't be ignored once sober thats for sure
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