Detoxing - Fentanyl with Loperamide...my hell, my life. - Part 9

By lostlygirl · Nov 14, 2014 · ·
  1. Hydroxyout, exactly. That made me cry. Then I looked up the video and it was excellent. The song sounded just as I had imagined it would.

    Thats just how I feel. I feel as everything is all wrong somehow. That this wasn't the path I was meant to walk down but somehow did. I got lost somewhere and here I am. And I look all around at what my life has become and I feel so lost. It just doesn't feel right. It's funny because I can look back on my life and see exactly where I went wrong. It makes sense on an intellectual level. I can look at it and say, yup, ABC happened and caused XYZ, instead of DEF. However, I just cannot seem to emotionally process it which is where the drugs come in. They very conveniently make life numb and I don't have to really deal with the sadness and loss.

    My mother died from liver failure from years of drug abuse. She was 38. I was 15. My grandparents had died the year before, my grandmother from cancer my grandfather a few months later from a broken heart. My mother died a year to the day that my grandfather died, 2 days after her 38th birthday. My dad really wasn't in the picture, although I did end up living with him for a year or so. I learned to be strong and angry. I hated my mother for dying, and I hated everything her life represented. I wanted to be the exact opposite. Within 3 months of her death I had moved to Sydney with my dad, and eventually ended up in a boarding school in New Zealand. I left home a week after my 17th birthday.

    The intense anger at her death, that it was preventable, that she should not have died, that she deserted me made me hate her. It was the only emotion I had at 15, it was the only way I could keep moving forward. I just pretended that she meant nothing to me. The desire to be the complete opposite of my mother who was a part of me, who I loved more than anything in this world, was motivational. Anger isn't a passive emotion and I used it to become everything she would have hated. In a way I was punishing her for dying. And with that choice I was denying what was inside of me, what was innately me.

    Denying who you are is never a happy life. Drugs made all of that not matter anymore. Thats why this is such a challenge because getting off of drugs, for me at least, means everything changes. It has to because I cannot deny who I am sober. I can only deny who I am when I am numb.

    Hydroxyout, thank you for the song and it is now on my play list. Music has and always will be a part of my life. It is one of the few things I actually let in me.

    JD, when my ex was 39 he had a massive 100% blocked MI, at the top of the left defending coronary artery that blocked blood to 2/3rd's of his heart. He was lucky to survive it. To this day I don't know why I called an ambulance as we had no idea he was having a heart attack. He wasn't overweight, didn't smoke or drink and did not take drugs. He coded twice in the ambulance and had a tombstone EKG. From the time the ambulance arrived to the time he was stented was 17 min, and it still killed a 3rd of his heart (that never regenerated). Even the ambulance techs didn't think he was having a heart attack, they thought he had the flu. As an afterthought one of the workers took an EKG. I have never seen 5 men move so fast. Within 2 minutes he was in the ambulance and was gone and I was left just standing there. I have a picture of his heart attack, its kinda cool cause the picture shows the artery completely blocked and gone, and the picture underneath shows the artery completely restored with smaller arteries branching off of it.

    The Dr couldn't figure out why he would have a massive heart attack, and after two weeks of coming up with nothing decided to have his blood tested. He has Factor 5 Leiden. In 2012 I had my kids tested and 5 of the 6 have blood disorders. 2 of them had already tested positive for d-dimer's. My youngest has 4 different disorders as well as the cholesterol gene. They are all on aspirin, and when they get old enough they will all be on cumaden (sp?).

    Unfortunatly I know more than I ever wanted to on MI's, but I do not know how the electrical wiring of the heart works! I have to run and pick up my daughter really fast. I will be back...... :)

    lostlygirl added 65 Minutes and 45 Seconds later...

    I am back..... :)

    Day 7: Yesterday I took 25 Loperamide, which was much better than the day before. Physical withdrawals were not as bad as the last few days and I feel like I have turned a corner physically. However, the mental battle has been waging. Wow! I just crave fentanyl. Its fucked up how much I want it. Luckly I don't have any otherwise I wouldn't have made it past day 5. I tried to stay busy, which really helped.

    In the evening we attended my son's cross country banquet. The coach was saying to the kids that "Its much easier to stay in shape than it is to get in shape". I was thinking this is a lot like this. It's a lot harder to get off drugs than it is to stay off drugs. At least I hope it is. If it isn't I'm fucked. Which begs the question, "When are we actually clean?". I think for me it will be when I have been off of all drugs, including the drugs I am using to taper, and when all the drugs have completely left my system. Meaning, when all my cells have regenerated. I believe that takes at least 3 months. (JD, does it take 3 months for old cells to die and new cells to take their place?) That means I need to be in this for the long haul.

    Day 8: I am trying to do as JD suggests and go down daily on the Loperamide. I have set that as my new goal. I don't care if its just one less pill, as long as it is less than the day before. So far I have taken 17, which leaves me 7 for just before bed (24 for the day). I am going to see if I can manage the night on 5 (22 for the day).

    The day so far has been ok. I look like shit. I look like I'm withdrawing from fentanyl. I feel like I am withdrawing from fentanyl. I look haggard. Shit. I wish I wasn't withdrawing from fentanyl. I wish I could just stay on fentanyl forever without having it fuck up my life. I think I fucking love fentanyl. But, and this is a big, fat, huge BUT, fentanyl fucks up my life. It fucks up my life and makes me numb and I do not feel and that is no way to live. I do not want this dead life anymore. I love life more than I love fentanyl.

    Next time I want it (which is actually all the time if I am going to be completely honest, except when I totally distract myself and that only lasts for a few minutes) I am going to write a list of all the reasons it fucks up my life. For starters, I cannot completely love my children when I am numb, and if that is not a reason to give it up I don't know what is. They deserve a fully present mother.

    JD, yes! I LOVE the 5% club! We are the 5% club! There WILL be a fucking rose parade! (We should start a group on here, for anyone that wants to join. We can discuss ways to get and stay clean....just a crazy thought.)

Comments

  1. Jungledog
    Ok first off I was feeling like COMPLETE shit as I have had only 1.75tsps of kratom in the past 12.5 hours (but who is counting) so I forced myself out on a 4 mile walk. On the way back, while listening to a particular song, I thought of you LG. Don't know why but I checked your thread on my phone. As I read with the song playing in the background, I literally lost it. I am freaking trying to walk by the side of the road crying my damn eyes out. It was like your post released this dam of pent up emotions. I probably looked like I was having a nervous breakdown.

    "Brave" by SARA BAREILLES


    You can be amazing
    You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
    You can be the outcast
    Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
    Or you can start speaking up

    Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
    When they settle ‘neath your skin
    Kept on the inside and no sunlight
    Sometimes a shadow wins
    But I wonder what would happen if you

    Say what you wanna say
    And let the words fall out
    Honestly I wanna see you be brave
    With what you want to say
    And let the words fall out
    Honestly I wanna see you be brave

    I just wanna see you
    I just wanna see you
    I just wanna see you
    I wanna see you be brave

    I just wanna see you
    I just wanna see you
    I just wanna see you
    I wanna see you be brave

    Everybody’s been there,
    Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
    Fallen for the fear
    And done some disappearing,
    Bow down to the mighty
    Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue

    Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
    Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
    Show me how big your brave is

    Say what you wanna say
    And let the words fall out
    Honestly I wanna see you be brave
    With what you want to say
    And let the words fall out
    Honestly I wanna see you be brave

    And since your history of silence
    Won’t do you any good,
    Did you think it would?
    Let your words be anything but empty
    Why don’t you tell them the truth?

    Say what you wanna say
    And let the words fall out
    Honestly I wanna see you be brave
    With what you want to say
    And let the words fall out
    Honestly I wanna see you be brave

    I just wanna see you
    I just wanna see you
    I just wanna see you
    I wanna see you be brave

    I just wanna see you
    I just wanna see you
    I just wanna see you
    See you be brave

    I just wanna see you
    I just wanna see you
    I just wanna see you

    I just wanna see you
    I just wanna see you
    I just wanna see you

    Fitting huh? I think most of us use drugs (whether or not we were legally prescribed them for pain) to numb past pains. Since we are in full disclosure mode, I grew up with not one but TWO perfectionist, OCD parents. I was EXPECTED to be perfect and there was hell to pay (not physically but mentally and emotionally) if I wasn't. Getting a "B" was totally unacceptable. I learned to hate every flaw I had. My first rape was at 17 and the second occurred while drunk at a college party at 19. I blamed myself...you know I wasn't perfect...I somehow let it happen. While intellectually I know I did not cause any of this to happen is feels like I did. Yes, I think I have spent a lot of time in hate mode too but it was self directed. Then of course comes the topper that I was trying to help restrain a 270lb psychotic patient ironically high on meth (I am tiny...well not as tiny as I used to be but when I got married I weighed 104 lbs) in the ER and he got loose and he targeted me. Why? Probably because I was small. Pulled my arm, twisted my neck, threw me against a wall several feet away...stripping the nerves on my spinal cord that feed my left arm. The males I worked with plus the cops who brought him in pulled him off so he didn't kill me but I still fucking have nightmares about this shit.

    I cannot imagine the pain you endured to lose your mother at 15. You NEED your mom at 15. Hell, I still need my mom even though she is an OCD pain in the ass! Part of healing from this shit is finding the strength to forgive YOURSELF, let go of the hate, and move forward as these negative emotions hold us in the past. You are an eloquent writer and express yourself well with words. Continue to be brave and keep letting it fall out. Sara had that shit correct. I think that is really why we are here. This is a journey...to our deepest hell and yet the end will be the resolution and safety we seek. I think coming up on 50 years old makes women (not to let you out Hydroxyout) start to realize that they have spent much of their lives caring for others and most of us have done a really shitty job loving ourselves. I am trying to do this now...it is part of my whole exercise & nutrition thing. I am trying to care for myself from the ground up...something I have never done consistently. Ironically, my diet and exercise were STELLAR when I was on oxycodone. I am still thinking on that one.

    As for your children, it SUCKS that they have this disorder but I am glad that you KNOW they have it. You have the opportunity to be in prevention mode. There are several new drugs on the market that are much better and much safer than Coumadin. I plan to ask a hematologist I know if they would be appropriate for your kids. Xarelto or Eliquis are great drugs and trust me safer than Coumadin no matter what the stupid "let's sue" attorney TV commercials say.

    Please know that even though we have never met...I care about you deeply and want to see you heal. I want to see us all heal and I think we can do it. Bravely facing what hurts is how we move on.

    Hugs,
    JD

    Jungledog added 54 Minutes and 59 Seconds later...

    LG,

    Just saw the second half of your note. The body doesn't regenerate all at the same time. I mean there is literature out there on recovery from traumatic brain injury that states the brain regenerates in 60 days but that doesn't make complete sense to me because then why do we have PAWS? Blood cells take 120 days to regenerate. Skin regenerates in just a few days. The human body is complex. My thoughts are we should start to feel at least human around the 90 day mark and significantly better around the 6-9 month mark. I don't know for sure......but I plan to document this shit so we will all know. :)

    As for the 5% club, yes, I think that would make quite the nice thread and one I would like everyone here to join.

    JD
  2. Hydroxyout
    LG. I'm glad you liked the song. It's certainly one of my all time favorites for the lyrics are so powerful and so fitting. It's hard to imagine the horror and pain that you've been through. Can't wrap my head around it. The past makes the present and the present makes the future so keep fighting. I often thought that there's no way I could be happy without drugs in my system but I was so wrong. I have forgotten what it's like to feel feelings because opiates always put me in the same state of mind. Not giving a shit about anything. Yes I'v said it before, life without drugs looked scary and even now some days it still does, but I know that the future looks brighter than ever. I finally know what I need to focus my energy on. I have ambitions, goals and people who depend on me. I may not know the euphoria of pills again but the feeling I posess now, far outweigh that.

    Remember that you're never alone and that there's a light at the end of this dark shitty tunnel. Stay strong hon. We're with you!
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