Hydroxyout, exactly. That made me cry. Then I looked up the video and it was excellent. The song sounded just as I had imagined it would.
Thats just how I feel. I feel as everything is all wrong somehow. That this wasn't the path I was meant to walk down but somehow did. I got lost somewhere and here I am. And I look all around at what my life has become and I feel so lost. It just doesn't feel right. It's funny because I can look back on my life and see exactly where I went wrong. It makes sense on an intellectual level. I can look at it and say, yup, ABC happened and caused XYZ, instead of DEF. However, I just cannot seem to emotionally process it which is where the drugs come in. They very conveniently make life numb and I don't have to really deal with the sadness and loss.
My mother died from liver failure from years of drug abuse. She was 38. I was 15. My grandparents had died the year before, my grandmother from cancer my grandfather a few months later from a broken heart. My mother died a year to the day that my grandfather died, 2 days after her 38th birthday. My dad really wasn't in the picture, although I did end up living with him for a year or so. I learned to be strong and angry. I hated my mother for dying, and I hated everything her life represented. I wanted to be the exact opposite. Within 3 months of her death I had moved to Sydney with my dad, and eventually ended up in a boarding school in New Zealand. I left home a week after my 17th birthday.
The intense anger at her death, that it was preventable, that she should not have died, that she deserted me made me hate her. It was the only emotion I had at 15, it was the only way I could keep moving forward. I just pretended that she meant nothing to me. The desire to be the complete opposite of my mother who was a part of me, who I loved more than anything in this world, was motivational. Anger isn't a passive emotion and I used it to become everything she would have hated. In a way I was punishing her for dying. And with that choice I was denying what was inside of me, what was innately me.
Denying who you are is never a happy life. Drugs made all of that not matter anymore. Thats why this is such a challenge because getting off of drugs, for me at least, means everything changes. It has to because I cannot deny who I am sober. I can only deny who I am when I am numb.
Hydroxyout, thank you for the song and it is now on my play list. Music has and always will be a part of my life. It is one of the few things I actually let in me.
JD, when my ex was 39 he had a massive 100% blocked MI, at the top of the left defending coronary artery that blocked blood to 2/3rd's of his heart. He was lucky to survive it. To this day I don't know why I called an ambulance as we had no idea he was having a heart attack. He wasn't overweight, didn't smoke or drink and did not take drugs. He coded twice in the ambulance and had a tombstone EKG. From the time the ambulance arrived to the time he was stented was 17 min, and it still killed a 3rd of his heart (that never regenerated). Even the ambulance techs didn't think he was having a heart attack, they thought he had the flu. As an afterthought one of the workers took an EKG. I have never seen 5 men move so fast. Within 2 minutes he was in the ambulance and was gone and I was left just standing there. I have a picture of his heart attack, its kinda cool cause the picture shows the artery completely blocked and gone, and the picture underneath shows the artery completely restored with smaller arteries branching off of it.
The Dr couldn't figure out why he would have a massive heart attack, and after two weeks of coming up with nothing decided to have his blood tested. He has Factor 5 Leiden. In 2012 I had my kids tested and 5 of the 6 have blood disorders. 2 of them had already tested positive for d-dimer's. My youngest has 4 different disorders as well as the cholesterol gene. They are all on aspirin, and when they get old enough they will all be on cumaden (sp?).
Unfortunatly I know more than I ever wanted to on MI's, but I do not know how the electrical wiring of the heart works! I have to run and pick up my daughter really fast. I will be back......
lostlygirl added 65 Minutes and 45 Seconds later...
I am back.....
Day 7: Yesterday I took 25 Loperamide, which was much better than the day before. Physical withdrawals were not as bad as the last few days and I feel like I have turned a corner physically. However, the mental battle has been waging. Wow! I just crave fentanyl. Its fucked up how much I want it. Luckly I don't have any otherwise I wouldn't have made it past day 5. I tried to stay busy, which really helped.
In the evening we attended my son's cross country banquet. The coach was saying to the kids that "Its much easier to stay in shape than it is to get in shape". I was thinking this is a lot like this. It's a lot harder to get off drugs than it is to stay off drugs. At least I hope it is. If it isn't I'm fucked. Which begs the question, "When are we actually clean?". I think for me it will be when I have been off of all drugs, including the drugs I am using to taper, and when all the drugs have completely left my system. Meaning, when all my cells have regenerated. I believe that takes at least 3 months. (JD, does it take 3 months for old cells to die and new cells to take their place?) That means I need to be in this for the long haul.
Day 8: I am trying to do as JD suggests and go down daily on the Loperamide. I have set that as my new goal. I don't care if its just one less pill, as long as it is less than the day before. So far I have taken 17, which leaves me 7 for just before bed (24 for the day). I am going to see if I can manage the night on 5 (22 for the day).
The day so far has been ok. I look like shit. I look like I'm withdrawing from fentanyl. I feel like I am withdrawing from fentanyl. I look haggard. Shit. I wish I wasn't withdrawing from fentanyl. I wish I could just stay on fentanyl forever without having it fuck up my life. I think I fucking love fentanyl. But, and this is a big, fat, huge BUT, fentanyl fucks up my life. It fucks up my life and makes me numb and I do not feel and that is no way to live. I do not want this dead life anymore. I love life more than I love fentanyl.
Next time I want it (which is actually all the time if I am going to be completely honest, except when I totally distract myself and that only lasts for a few minutes) I am going to write a list of all the reasons it fucks up my life. For starters, I cannot completely love my children when I am numb, and if that is not a reason to give it up I don't know what is. They deserve a fully present mother.
JD, yes! I LOVE the 5% club! We are the 5% club! There WILL be a fucking rose parade! (We should start a group on here, for anyone that wants to join. We can discuss ways to get and stay clean....just a crazy thought.)