Back to another day 1. Broke down and told my boyfriend about my relapse; he mentioned how proud he was of me... how was I supposed to hold it together? I fell apart, and told him the truth, right then and there.
Back to treatment (outpatient). Relapse sucks. The shame is terrible. But fuck, it feels so good to have it off my back, and to let others know.... just the freedom that comes with no longer hiding something. Especially knowing that what I’m hiding will only hurt those I love.
But it will hurt me, too... 3 days pass with my use, and my arms look like shit. Trying to remember that this is not me. This is not who I am. I have SO MUCH MORE to offer, and I WON’T BE ABLE TO OFFER THIS IF I’M HOOKED ON DOPE. Hell, it’ll probably kill me.
The worst feeling? Not being afraid of overdose. Some times, the fight doesn’t seem worth it. Will I ever NOT miss that high? Idk, but life sober is a hell of a lot better than living a life geared towards getting my next fix. Right now, I don’t want to die. I want to live. Maybe there’s something out there that will make it worth it. But I need to find that sense of purpose, within myself...
I have to be real with myself, now more than ever. If I go back out there, I might not come back. Thanks everyone for the comments. Some times, all that I need is to know I’m not fighting this battle alone.