DOPE-FREE: DAY 1, Take 2

By rj95 · Mar 11, 2019 · ·
  1. Back to another day 1. Broke down and told my boyfriend about my relapse; he mentioned how proud he was of me... how was I supposed to hold it together? I fell apart, and told him the truth, right then and there.

    Back to treatment (outpatient). Relapse sucks. The shame is terrible. But fuck, it feels so good to have it off my back, and to let others know.... just the freedom that comes with no longer hiding something. Especially knowing that what I’m hiding will only hurt those I love.

    But it will hurt me, too... 3 days pass with my use, and my arms look like shit. Trying to remember that this is not me. This is not who I am. I have SO MUCH MORE to offer, and I WON’T BE ABLE TO OFFER THIS IF I’M HOOKED ON DOPE. Hell, it’ll probably kill me.

    The worst feeling? Not being afraid of overdose. Some times, the fight doesn’t seem worth it. Will I ever NOT miss that high? Idk, but life sober is a hell of a lot better than living a life geared towards getting my next fix. Right now, I don’t want to die. I want to live. Maybe there’s something out there that will make it worth it. But I need to find that sense of purpose, within myself...

    I have to be real with myself, now more than ever. If I go back out there, I might not come back. Thanks everyone for the comments. Some times, all that I need is to know I’m not fighting this battle alone.
    Hopeless78 and jazzyj9 like this.

Comments

  1. jazzyj9
    Whatever you need to do to get back to a strong and healthy baseline, do it. You've probably created an imbalance in your brain chemistry that needs to be healed and then perhaps you won't crave it anymore. Your subconscious mind has to be convinced that you no longer want it, that the harm outweighs the benefit.

    It sounds like you are making great progress! Keep up the good work!
  2. Hopeless78
    Just want to give you some credit and encouragement; relapse is part of recovery — recovery is hard as hell, one day at a time.
    I’m recovering opioid addict myself. Good for you for telling your boyfriend about your relapse and going back to treatment. Lots of hugs and positive vibes to you
      ICEMAN1216 and jazzyj9 like this.
  3. jazzyj9
    Yeah, that was cool what she did, told the truth and that's a brave thing to do and accept help from others.
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