DOPE-FREE: Day 2, Take 2

By rj95 · Mar 12, 2019 · ·
  1. So now I'm on day 2. And things are getting hard. I figured that because I only used for 3 days, I wouldn't get sick. Boy, was I wrong. It's not excruciating, and I've experienced much worse... but it's bad enough that I don't want to leave the house. Restlessness, depression, nausea (I can't even get a cup of coffee down), just feeling hopeless...

    To top it all off, things aren't going well in my relationship. My boyfriend is struggling to trust me, and to trust that I want to stay clean. I DO want to, otherwise I wouldn't have told on myself... but he's suggesting inpatient treatment. I know that inpatient would only cause problems. I'm a full-time student, and I'm doing so well in my classes. I don't want to withdraw from them, I don't want to give up... I believe in myself, and know I can stay clean, even as a full-time student. Leaving school would only make this depression worse... and make me want to give up even more. If I can't be in school, pursuing a career I'm passionate about, then what's the fucking point in getting clean, anyway? Is there anything to live for? (SO melodramatic, I know... I need to get over myself and get a fucking grip, right?!)

    Going to treatment for outpatient feels like enough for me right now. I'm on Spring break this week, so I've got some free time on my hands, which is the only issue. But maybe that's what I need right now. This week away from school will give me time to attend meetings, go to outpatient treatment, focus on self-care, and prioritize my recovery.

    My main concern is this withdrawal, and coping with cravings. He tossed all the dope I had (thank God), but I'm struggling. I am considering Suboxone maintenance. I have tried to get clean without any medication, and it doesn't seem to work... I obviously have to put in the work to stay clean, but I feel that some sort of craving management therapy would be beneficial for me right now. I'm struggling. I just want to numb everything and forget about it. But there is part of me that doesn't want to. I can't.

    I could buy Suboxone off the street (I know someone), but that doesn't feel right, considering my desire for recovery. That's illegal. I need to get my shit together and do things the "RIGHT" way (right by our society's standards, anyway). It seems like it's getting harder to find a sub prescription. The doc at my treatment center won't prescribe it because of my seizures. I mean, I get it... but is using heroin better? Overall, I feel very high-risk at relapse right now. I need to try something different. And if that thing is Sub maintenance, so be it. If that helps me get AND stay clean, then I'll embrace it as part of my story...

    Fuck heroin.
    Hopeless78 and PastorFuzz like this.


  1. Mingo123
    I agree - Fuck Heroin and its' lame ass promises of making everything better. Minutes of blackout bliss for all the bull shit that comes along with it. It's a lie.

    Good for you for seeing pass imaginary clouds of bless and grasping the seriousness of coming clean! Best wishes that the withdrawal quickly passes.
      Hopeless78 and PastorFuzz like this.
  2. SeconalClerek
    For OTC Codeine as 'Cocodamol' warns that 'Three days consecutive use may result in addiction'. These Morphine based opiates with 6h half lives if used even for a single dose over three days will cause withdrawal starting in malaise and depression on waking on day four, although minor if any physical withdrawal symptoms exist. Two consecutive days use is the maximum with Morphine like opiates to avoid Malaise (tiredness/lack of energy) and depression on waking on day 4.
      ICEMAN1216 and PastorFuzz like this.
  3. jazzyj9
    Maybe go to another doctor who would prescribe it for you.
  4. Hopeless78
    @rj95 I’ve tried cold turkey off high doses of Oxycodone and it never worked for me — that’s just my experience. Subs were a god send to me. If you’ve never tried subs, I think it’s something to consider. I would go a short taper route. I’ve stayed on subs for way too long on and off and jumping off even at a low dose was really difficult, but it kept me off pills. Another option is trying some anti depressants. I don’t know if you had depression prior to this or not, but just something to consider. Again, just going by my experience. When I came off 2 mg off subs I didn’t get out of bed for at least 3 days — I feel your pain, and everything you’re feeling is totally normal. 3 days of using is definitely enough to send you back in withdrawal, I feel for you girl, and I know how difficult it is.

    It’s too bad your boyfriend doesn’t trust you — I’m lucky to have a boyfriend who’s in recovery himself so we both understand each other when it comes to addiction in recovery. Do you have anymore supports? The important thing is is to know you’re not alone, you’re taking the right steps to getting clean, and you’re not letting a relapse be the end of it. Just stay the course, a day at a time. Xxx
      rj95 and jazzyj9 like this.
  5. rj95
    Hey, thanks for your comment. I’ve actually tried subs in the past, and it helped significantly with my cravings. I’m to the point now where I am 100% willing to deal with constipation, as long as I experience fewer cravings for the drug that will kill me!

    It helps knowing that other people understand. Some times, the only thing I need is to know that I’m not alone. Going to hopefully get subs from a doctor today; I really don’t WANT to buy them on the street, but I will if I have to... these cravings are getting too demanding for me to handle with nothing.
      Hopeless78 likes this.
  6. Hopeless78
    @rj95 No worries girl, this forum is filled with people who understand and are going through the exact same thing, at different stages of recovery and addiction. Good luck with the subs, and you’re welcome here for support x.
      rj95 likes this.
  7. jazzyj9
    It seems like the doctor would be willing to prescribe them as they are safer than Heroin. Maybe if you put it that way, that you are afraid to die from Heroin and the cravings are too intense. Then once you are on the Suboxone, you can focus on finding things in your life you are passionate about. There are remedies for constipation.
      rj95 likes this.
  8. rj95
    @jazzyj9 precisely. I’m going to bring up the fact that I don’t think I’ll be able to stay away from heroin with nothing (and really, I don’t think I can). The physical aspects suck, but the mental aspects of withdrawal are what really take me down...

    I’m so sick of this relapse/recovery cycle. I get clean for a few months, just to relapse for a few days and tear myself apart. What’s the fucking point... I’m only causing myself, and the people I love, more pain. Fact is, I cannot use heroin “casually”... I keep telling myself “oh, I’ll just use a few days a week, and it’ll be fine! As long as I have SOMETHING to take the pain away from daily life, all is well...”

    NO. All is NOT WELL when I go back to the needle. Maybe this is what I needed. Maybe these scars on my arms will give me something to look at, remind me where I came from. I just want a sense of hope... is it possible to stay of the dope? Are there people who have kicked it for good? All I see around me is failure... relapse, overdose, and death...

    Again, fuck heroin.
  9. jazzyj9
    I do think you will be able to find a doctor who can help you. I’m sure there are many people here who have overcome a heroin addiction. I had a prior meth addiction about 20 years ago and was able to stop using it and turn my life around. I still struggle with depression but more or less function. I know heroin is very addictive and hard to quit but not impossible. I’m glad I never tried it.
      rj95 likes this.
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