By rj95 · Jan 18, 2019 · ·
  1. Going on 2 days. I can say with certainty that I’m not craving heroin at all, even the slightest. But my feelings of shame and disgust with myself for making the decision to go back to something which ruins my life, harms my relationships, does nothing but cause pain and build resentment... those feelings are more present than ever before.

    Off the dope, and using buprenorphine to help keep my mind at ease. The constipation is definitely not helping, however... hoping Miralax works some miracles, and soon.

    Went to an NA meeting yesterday and the day before. Although I was hesitant to returning to 12-step groups, the group conscience and support system have made this transition back into recovery much easier. It helps knowing there are other people who understand, other people who have also experienced first-hand what drugs can do to the mind, body, and spirit. Feeling alone makes the recovery process much more challenging than it needs to be.

    I’m a pro when it comes to comparing myself to other people, and feeling like the scum of the earth. I find comfort knowing that I’m not alone. I don’t have to be alone, if I don’t choose to be. A strong support network is essential to me making good and healthy decisions for myself, both in the present moment and in the long-run.

    Returning to classes next week makes me nervous, but I know that keeping busy will be good for me, especially with something I’m passionate about. I’ve taken far too much time off over break from playing my instrument. My main concern is how terrible I will sound and play when returning to ensemble rehearsal. I have a lot of fear, which again, stems from comparing myself to other musicians in the program, and feeling inadequate...

    Trying to remember that’s not what this is about. I’m lucky to be alive, and to have stopped when I did, so that I am still able to return to classes and go to treatment at the same time. Grateful to have another chance, because I found out that someone I know wasn’t so lucky... using the same dope I did my shot of before falling out, someone I know overdosed and died... it still doesn’t feel real. If I had finished that shot I used half of, I probably wouldn’t be here typing this today. My parents probably would have already dug my grave.

    Fuck this demon of a drug.


  1. jazzyj9
    Try not to feel shame and disgust for yourself, but to treat yourself with the same love and compassion that you would treat a close friend. Heroin is very addictive and causes modifications in brain chemistry that make most users addicted. The biology aspect of the addiction process cannot be ignored, so the fact that you are able to quit is something to be very proud of.
      rj95 likes this.
  2. rj95
    Thanks for your post, jazzyj9! Compassion is something I have always struggled to treat myself with. I guess you could say I’m currently treating myself with compassion through self-care. I’m trying to eat a balanced and healthy diet and exercise regularly, which seems to help me feel better physically and less cloudy mentally. The most challenging aspect of this relapse isn’t craving, it isn’t wanting to use or missing the needle... it’s the shame associated with disappointing my family. I’m embarrassed. I feel fucking crazy for going back to the dope, especially when things in my life were going SO WELL. It caught the people I’m closest to off guard; I think most of them are still in shock, and having a difficult time coming to terms with what happened.

    As you suggested, I’ll be more mindful of my thinking and try to not be so hard on myself. It’s challenging, however, when I start to feel better, I start getting back on track and regaining faith in the process... just to feel doubted by my family. It’s like I’m at square one, all over again. No one trusts me, even to go out and have a smoke on the porch. But this is something which will hopefully get better with time... because it’s very hard trying to live a “normal” life when people are always looking over their shoulder, regularly doubting your sobriety and questioning your motives. I wish they knew how strongly I feel against returning to heroin. But, as I said, only time will heal... I have to be patient and remember that I put myself in this predicament. Using was my choice, and I have to face the consequences.
  3. RaoulDuke32
    Many people say that the emotion that causes them to turn their life around is disgust. Looking in the mirror and not just being down on yourself but disgusted makes for a powerful change.

    Just keep it behind you pushing you forward.

    Using is a choice...kind of. But again so is getting your shit together. You can be ashamed of what you were and yet proud of what you're doing and where you're going.
      ICEMAN1216, rj95 and Pinkbeam like this.
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