Going on 2 days. I can say with certainty that I’m not craving heroin at all, even the slightest. But my feelings of shame and disgust with myself for making the decision to go back to something which ruins my life, harms my relationships, does nothing but cause pain and build resentment... those feelings are more present than ever before.
Off the dope, and using buprenorphine to help keep my mind at ease. The constipation is definitely not helping, however... hoping Miralax works some miracles, and soon.
Went to an NA meeting yesterday and the day before. Although I was hesitant to returning to 12-step groups, the group conscience and support system have made this transition back into recovery much easier. It helps knowing there are other people who understand, other people who have also experienced first-hand what drugs can do to the mind, body, and spirit. Feeling alone makes the recovery process much more challenging than it needs to be.
I’m a pro when it comes to comparing myself to other people, and feeling like the scum of the earth. I find comfort knowing that I’m not alone. I don’t have to be alone, if I don’t choose to be. A strong support network is essential to me making good and healthy decisions for myself, both in the present moment and in the long-run.
Returning to classes next week makes me nervous, but I know that keeping busy will be good for me, especially with something I’m passionate about. I’ve taken far too much time off over break from playing my instrument. My main concern is how terrible I will sound and play when returning to ensemble rehearsal. I have a lot of fear, which again, stems from comparing myself to other musicians in the program, and feeling inadequate...
Trying to remember that’s not what this is about. I’m lucky to be alive, and to have stopped when I did, so that I am still able to return to classes and go to treatment at the same time. Grateful to have another chance, because I found out that someone I know wasn’t so lucky... using the same dope I did my shot of before falling out, someone I know overdosed and died... it still doesn’t feel real. If I had finished that shot I used half of, I probably wouldn’t be here typing this today. My parents probably would have already dug my grave.
Fuck this demon of a drug.