Haven’t checked in on here for a while... figured it was about time. Just over a month clean off heroin. It’s getting easier, better, and I’m reaping the rewards... but some days are harder than others.
The stress of college is definitely a trigger. When I don’t perform as well as I would like, the negative stream of thoughts attacks me. But I seem to typically find my way out fairly quickly, especially with the help of other people in recovery.
I only wonder... will I ever NOT miss heroin? When will I stop craving that high? When will I feel ok without that numbing embrace? There have been plenty of times where I considered, “this is how I will die. I’m destined to be a junkie. I’m destined to fail, I can’t fight any longer”...
But those thoughts fade with time, as long as I keep myself busy and distracted with healthy activities. I have another break coming up, a week with no classes, and nothing but outpatient therapy at a treatment center... I worry about having free time, because the last time I relapsed was over winter break. Having too much time to be stuck in my mind and negative thinking patterns is dangerous.
Well, at least I understand and appreciate this... I would love to just know that there IS HOPE. Even a glimmer would be nice. Will I be able to do this? Can I live a life dope-free? Will there come a day when I don’t miss that high, the escape, the feelings of artificial bliss? Can I go longer than 2 years without this monster of a drug?