My name is Matt, and I'm a recovering alcoholic. I've been clean off all street drugs and alcohol since Nov. 25th, 2012. I attend 12-step groups as much as possible, but I still do dabble in "drugs" from time to time. I consider myself clean, but I do still use Zopiclone and Ephedrine. You see, I'm a truck driver, and sleeping and staying awake are crucial when you're a truck driver, so it's quite easy to become dependent on these substances, which I clearly am. When I have a week or two off, I don't use them, but right now I basically have to.
Now, that might sound like a bunch of bullshit to you, but this week I worked 65 hours from Monday to Friday. I basically work 3AM-3 or 4PM every single day throughout the week. Week in, and week out. And going to bed at 5 or 6PM is not exactly the easiest of things to do, as I'm sure you could imagine. What's worse? Is that I'm stuck here. I can't go to another trucking company, because I have a criminal record, which prevents me from obtaining what's known as a FAST card. Thankfully though, after months of work, and about $2000 I've finally completed my pardon process, which will allow me to apply for better jobs. And I can't wait, because the company I work for now is a complete clusterfuck, and that's putting it mildly.
Let's put it this way: They tried to make me work today, and I told them I would, provided they paid me 1.5 times my usual hourly wage. Well, I don't think they thought I knew that was my right, so they balked out. What's worse? Is that they do this to our drivers all the time! They get drivers to work insane hours, and do all sorts of illegal stuff, and pay them peanuts for it! On top of that, the company is a financial deck of cards, owned by a guy who has already went bankrupt once! The guy is a shyster is I *EVER* saw one. I can't help but wonder what sort of other impropriety is going on that I *don't* know about.
So I am what AA folk might call a "dry alcoholic". But I don't like to think of it like that. I think of myself as someone who's out there in the real world, and working every day. A lot of people in AA that I come across.............don't work. Or if they do, it's in a very marginal capacity. No wonder I drank. Dealing with this type of shit would drive anyone to drink or do drugs. Or at least to the brink of insanity. It's tough to cope with shit like this. *OR* I could be like most people, and just not give a flying fuck, but that's never been my attitude. I'm too stubborn, and I take pride in my work. Even if the owner doesn't give a fuck himself.
I'd love to write about my personal life, but at this point, I don't have much of one. When I'm not a work, I'm basically at the gym, at a meeting, or sleeping. Last night, I was in bed by 8pm on a Friday night! Some party animal I am.
I'll keep things coming. I'm gonna' take a little break, but I'll come back with some more stuff later. It's been an interesting ride over the last two years, and I will try to highlight some of it for you guys. I won't include everything, because a lot of *that* material, is going to be saved for my future autobiography.
Good luck to all of you, and I hope you enjoy reading this. I know I'm going to enjoy writing it. Bye! -Matt.
Squizz added 296 Minutes and 24 Seconds later...
I just got back from a meeting, and I popped a 7.5mg Zopiclone. It was a good meeting, too. A guy spoke, and I could identify hugely. He spoke of the hardship he had put his family through as a result of his substance abuse. Losing his job, his house, his car............losing everything. Drugs will do that to you, no doubt. Afterward, I gave an older fellow a ride home. He's 61, and he doesn't have much. He lives in an old age project, and we spoke at length. On the surface, we have nothing in common, yet we have everything in common. It's strange. I've connected more with people like him in a month or two than I have with people I partied with for YEARS.
I should also mention, that this was the second meeting I went to today. I picked up an old drinking buddy to go to it, but he had been drinking. So I dropped him off close to a bar, and went to the meeting. He was frantically apologizing to me for drinking, but I didn't even care. As long as he's happy.
What struck me from tonight though, was the older fella' I gave a ride home to. Here's a guy who clearly doesn't have much, and yet he's content. These days I'm earning upward of $4,000-$5,0000/month CDN before taxes, and I'm not happy. Just goes to show, that money really isn't everything. Sure, it sucks being broke, but this time last year, I was MUCH happier, and I was living off 1/3rd of what I earn now.
Because here's the catch to earn more money, you have to work more. (Assuming you don't want to break the law) Which really sucks. Why? Because around here, all you're likely to get are dead-end jobs, that you are going to be severely overworked at, and severely underpaid. Assuming of course that you aren't in some sort of union. As a matter of fact, in this region we have a 10% unemployment rate. The highest in Canada.
On the bad days, I think stuff like: "Why do I keep killing myself for shit money? I should just go back to dealing drugs, and running drugs." And then I start fantasizing about it. Problem is, what I fantasize, never really ends up being a reality. See, I'm a drug addict: Whatever drugs I buy to sell, I will most likely end up using myself. So that's out of the question.
Or I'll gamble. (Which I still do periodically. Although I haven't in a couple of months.) But even that doesn't make me happy too much these days. One week I won $2500 at the local casino, and I still wasn't happy. I ended up giving $400 back.
Basically, over the last six months, I have not been a very happy guy. I should be, but I am not. Ever since I started this job, it's been a struggle. I've even had five weeks off in that time, but I didn't do much during that time, because I was depressed over an affair I had gotten out of. (Which is a story for my book.)
So I've been feeling like a "dry drunk" lately. But I can't complain, because the period of May/June '13-December '13 was probably the best six months of my life. I really didn't even think I could be that happy again. I would literally have periods of six weeks straight where I would just not have a bad day.
Not these days. These days, I roll out of bed to go to work at 2AM and instantly think to myself, "What sort of adversity am I going to have to deal with today?" Ah well, I'm making money, but all of that goes to bills. And a tax fund I keep in escrow for next's year's tax season. Why? Because the idiots at my work didn't tax me enough until recently. Well here's to hope! This Zopiclone is kicking my ass, which means it's time for bed.